And that’s how I feel in his arms. More than human. His fingers hold some kind of magic that sparks when he touches me.
When it’s over, and a soft blanket of bliss covers us both, I lean my head on his chest and let out a soft sigh. He growls in return, trailing his fingertips over my scalp.
I shift away from him, grabbing a small sketchbook from my purse. I arch an eyebrow at Finn, smiling hopefully.
“Can I draw you?”
He flings the sheets off his naked body and folds his hands behind his head. “Thought you’d never ask.”
I laugh, taking a seat at the end of the bed, and start drawing. When I put my sketchbook down, Finn’s cock is hard again.
My eyes flash, and my mouth starts to water at the sight.
A while later, I fall asleep in his arms, feeling whole for the very first time in my life.
24
Finn
I know things will change when Sweeney comes back. They have to. I’ll have to talk to him, man to man. Either that or stop seeing Esme—which isn’t an option at all.
Even though I know it has to happen, it still makes my gut twist into uncomfortable knots. What kind of person does that make me? I’m not afraid of jumping out of planes or launching myself off a radio tower, but I don’t have the balls to talk to my best friend about dating his sister.
Esme and I spend the next few days in each other’s arms. I get her a toothbrush and clear out a drawer at my place for her to keep a few things. She blushes when I show her, and my heart hammers. Every look she gives me sends me into a tailspin.
I’ve never felt like this before. It’s like I’m just barely clinging onto control over my own emotions. We’re in free fall together, but there’s no ground rushing up below us. It’s just constant bliss. Being with Esme is jumping out of a plane, all day, every day. She’s a permanent skydive, and I’m hooked.
After two weeks, Sweeney calls to say he’s on his way back. Esme comes over for dinner that night, wrapping her arms around my waist as I stand in the kitchen.
“So…” She tilts her head.
“You’re wondering what we’re going to do when your brother is back,” I finish. Esme nods, and I suck in a breath through my teeth. Finally, I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“We should tell him.”
I nod.
She tilts her head. “You don’t want to?”
“I do. It’s just…”
She stares at me with those big, bright eyes of hers, and it’s hard not to crumble. I run my fingers over her temples, feeling the fuzz of her hair as I move my hand behind her ear.
“It’s just I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t want him to think I’m being my old self with you. That I’m treating you the way I’ve treated other women in the past.”
“He’ll be able to see you aren’t.”
“Will he, though? You’ve heard how people talk about me.”
Esme bites her lip. “You want me to talk to him?”
I shake my head. “I have to do it.”
She nods, wrapping her arms around my neck. I place a gentle kiss on her lips, and then watch as she pulls back, staring deep into my eyes.
“Why is it that people say things about you? Have you always treated women badly?”
I sigh, shaking my head. “I wouldn’t say so. I’d say I treat women exactly how they treat me. I’ve just always pursued something more”—I hesitate—“casual.”
Esme nods, her eyes drilling into mine. “And with me? Are we casual?”
My heart stutters. I gulp, trying to find the right words. Being with Esme feels anything but casual. It feels like the most important thing I’ve ever done.
Finally, I shake my head. “This isn’t casual, Esme. This feels too good for me to want it to end.”
Esme’s face breaks into a smile, and she stands on her tiptoes to place a kiss on my lips. “Good. Let’s eat. We’ll deal with Kit tomorrow.”
Our meal feels like a last supper. In the morning, things will change. We’ve had a week of bliss. A week of peace. A week getting to know each other, inside and out.
Tomorrow, her brother comes back. I’ll sleep alone until I grow the balls to talk to Sweeney. We’ll have to keep things quiet until we find the right time to tell him the truth.
And what is the truth?
As I eat dinner across the table from her, I search my heart for answers. It thumps against my ribcage, begging me to listen.
And for the first time in years, I do. I listen to my heart and I hear its message, loud and clear.
The truth is, I care about Esme more than I’ve cared about anyone before. She fills the void in my chest that I’ve been trying to plug with cheap thrills and adrenaline. She calms me down. She gives me purpose. Hope. The desire to see how the future plays out.
When we make love later that night, I look in her eyes and I want to say it out loud. I want to tell her what my heart has been screaming since the first moment I saw her. I want to tell her how she makes me feel.
Those three little words that carry so much meaning. Words I haven’t spoken since I was in college, when they were thrown back in my face with a laugh.
I love you.
Simple, really. Esme completes me. She makes me feel like I’m on top of the world. With her, it feels like I’m jumping out of a plane every minute of the day. She’s the very thing that’s been missing from my life. The thing I’ve been chasing in all the wrong places.
She’s the love. The lust. The pleasure. The happiness. The smile, first thing in the morning. The hope that today will be a good day, and tomorrow will be the same.
When I wake up in the morning, though, I know today won’t be the same as yesterday. Esme smiles at me, but there’s a hesitation in her eyes.
Today, her brother comes back. Our bubble will burst, because even if Sweeney approves—which is unlikely—it won’t be the same as it is right now. We’re safe with each other. Our budding relationship is a secret that only we share. Our affection is private. It’s tender.
It’s not that I want to keep it a secret. I’d walk down Main Street with my arm around Esme. I’d tell everyone I know that I care about her. Love her.
But telling her brother that all I want to do is be with his little sister every night until the end of time?
That’s different. It shifts something not only with Esme and me, but with Sweeney, too.
Esme stretches in bed before turning to look at me. “Cheer up,” she says. “It’s not that bad.”
“Nothing is bad about this.”
She laughs, kissing my cheek. Pulling away, she sweeps her hand over my jaw. I groan, closing my eyes. Her touch feels like heaven.
She kisses my lips. “You don’t have to tell him today.”
“I want to tell him. I don’t want you to feel like I’m keeping you hidden or that I’m embarrassed. I want…” My voice trails off. I let out a sigh, shaking my head. “I want you.”
Esme’s smile widens. She nods. “I know. I do, too. But I also know that my brother is going through his own problems, and maybe the timing isn’t right. If he’s worried about his mother, he won’t be in the right state of mind to hear about us.”
How is it that she can know exactly how I’m feeling, and say exactly the right thing? Being with her is so easy. She knows how I’m feeling even when I can’t quite say it out loud. She understands what needs to be said.
It’s unlike any other relationship I’ve had—if you could call my previous trysts relationships. Being with Esme, simply put, is better than being alone. That’s not something I thought I’d ever say about a girl.
When she swings a leg over my body and straddles me, I groan.
“You’re going to kill me, Esme.”
“Not a bad way to go out,” she smiles, grinding her hips against me. I grin, hooking my arms around her thighs and hauling her up toward my head. She squeals, giggling, as I bring her center to meet my face.
“This is
better, though,” I growl.
She gasps when my lips touch her wetness, but it doesn’t take her long to grip the headboard and ride my face. She pants my name and comes on my tongue, the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted.
When the bliss fades, we get up and get ready for work, knowing that Sweeney will arrive in a few hours. We’ll have to hide our affection for each other. Sleep in our own beds. Kiss in secret.
“It’s only for a short while,” Esme says. “Just until we see how Kit is coping with his visit to his mother.”
“Yeah,” I say. “We can sit him down later in the week and tell him about us.”
Esme’s eyes shine, then, and she hooks her arms around my waist. “So, us is a thing? You and me?”
I chuckle, touching my nose to hers. “Us was a thing before we were a thing. As soon as you started mean-mugging me from the shop doorway, there was always going to be an us.”
Esme smiles, kissing me softly then pulling away. “Good. So, we act normal around Kit, gauge how he’s feeling, and we find the right time to talk to him.”
“It’s a plan.” I sound more certain than I am. As we head down to the shopfront and start opening things up, I know that things are never that simple.
Especially not where women and I are involved. Especially not when the woman happens to be my best friend’s little sister, and his anger could jeopardize my entire business.
No, it’s not a foolproof plan. It’s not simple. But even if things don’t go smoothly with Sweeney, I have to believe that it’ll be worth it.
25
Esme
I start my workday keeping my eye on the door. Kit will be here any minute.
My heart thumps uncomfortably as I wait for him to arrive. Glancing at the time on my phone, I take a deep breath. His plane should have arrived by now. He might stop at home, but he’ll be at the shop soon enough.
Then, my phone rings. It’s a video call from my brother.
“Hey, Kit,” I answer.
“Hi, Esme.” Kit tries to smile for the camera, but I can tell he’s shattered. His voice is flat. He looks exhausted.
Why is he video calling me?
“You okay?”
Kit runs his hand over his head and scratches the back of his neck. He takes a long breath, not answering.
“Kit?”
“I’m still in California.” Kit lifts his eyes up to the camera, and my heart squeezes.
“Oh.”
“She’s dying, Esme. I can’t leave. Not until it’s over.”
I don’t have to ask who she is. He hasn’t seen his mother in about fifteen years, and now he has to deal with her passing away.
Guilt worms its way through my heart, burning my flesh from the inside out. My cheeks burn. I struggle to swallow.
I’ve spent the past while in bliss, tangled in Finn’s arms. I’ve spoken to my brother a couple of times, but I haven’t really given him much thought.
Not beyond ‘how am I going to tell him about me and Finn,’ anyway. I haven’t really considered what he’s going through. How much he’s suffering. What a shock it must have been to see his mother—and newfound sister—after so many years apart.
How do you deal with grief when you’ve already partly grieved someone leaving? I always thought he’d moved on from his mother leaving Woodvale, but the look on his face says otherwise. He’s heartbroken.
And I’m here, sleeping with his best friend. What a wonderful sister. I should get an award.
Kit stares at me. “I’m guessing the beanie is gone for good, then?”
I grin, running my palm over my scalp. “At least until winter.”
His eyes crinkle. “I’m proud of you, Es.”
My heart warms, but a hint of shame spatters over my cheeks. How could I tell him that it’s Finn that gave me the courage to bare my head all the time? It’s his attention, his affection, his love that showed me I don’t need to hide behind a mean attitude and an assortment of hats.
Being with Finn has made me better. It’s made me feel whole—and hopeful. It’s made me feel like life is worth living.
But I can’t tell Kit that now. Not while he slumps down in a chair and catches his head in his hand. I can tell his heart is heavy and his mind is full of dark thoughts.
Leaning against the reception desk, I stare at my phone screen. “How has it been?”
Kit lifts his eyes to mine and gives me a tight smile. “Weird.”
“Fifteen years since you’ve seen her?”
He nods. “Dad got custody of me just over fifteen years ago, yeah. She moved away from Woodvale a few months later. I heard she’d gone to California, but I didn’t know she’d started another family. I didn’t know she was sick.”
“How do you feel about that?”
Kit lets out a long sigh. He pinches his lips together, then lifts one shoulder up and lets it drop. “I don’t know.”
“She doesn’t have long?”
He shakes his head without answering.
I take a deep breath, looking for something to say. Then, I remember my first day in Woodvale. “How about your mystery woman?”
Kit frowns. “Who?”
“The girl you were texting when I first got here. Are you still talking to her?” I give him a hopeful smile, thinking that maybe, if he has a girlfriend, it’ll make me feel better about the fact that I’m seeing Finn.
If Kit isn’t alone, doesn’t it make it okay that I’ve found someone, too?
But Kit just sighs. He shakes his head. “I broke it off with her. It was just casual, anyway. This whole ordeal with my mom was too much.”
My heart squeezes. I’m a terrible sister. I’ve been here, falling for my brother’s best friend while Kit has been suffering. He’s not only losing his mother, but he lost a new relationship too. I should have called him more. Checked in on him more. Asked him how I could help.
I know I can’t tell him about Finn and me. It’s not the right time, and he’s going through so much.
What would I even say? Oh, sorry about the impending death of your estranged mother. By the way, I’m sleeping with your best friend.
Yeah. That would go over well.
Kit clears his throat. “How have things been there?”
“Good,” I say, keeping my eyes on the screen. “Busy. With more tourists in town for summer, Finn says it’s been the best week of sales in the history of the business.”
My brother smiles. “That’s good. I knew you guys could handle it without me.”
“When are you coming back?”
I regret the question instantly. Kit’s face darkens again. The camera shuffles as he moves, and he repositions it so his face is off the screen.
“I don’t know,” he says, his voice muffled. He shifts the camera again, and I can see the sadness in his eyes. “She’s almost gone. I’d give her a week, tops. I’ll probably stay for the funeral, too. I’d say I’ll be here another three weeks.”
I gulp. “Okay.”
Kit takes a deep breath, forcing a smile onto his tired face. “I’m proud of you, Esme. I mean it. I know you were nervous about leaving home, and Lydia didn’t exactly fill you with confidence. But now, even with me gone, you’re thriving. You don’t need to worry about your future. You’ll going to be successful in whatever you choose to do.”
A lump forms in my throat. My eyes mist, and I nod. “Thanks, Kit.”
“It’s the truth. Whatever you decide to do—college, art school, whatever—you’ll be fine.”
“Maybe Woodvale is good for me.”
“I’ve got a spare room.” He smiles, and my heart squeezes.
If things keep going the way they’re going, I won’t need a spare room in my brother’s house. There’s a warm bed right above the skydiving center with my name on it. The door to the back of the shop opens, and Finn steps through. I glance over my shoulder, pointing my phone toward him.
“It’s Kit.”
A twitch near his mouth betrays h
is anxiousness at seeing my brother, but he manages to keep his face steady.
“Hey, man.” He jerks his head toward the back office, and I nod. Finn retreats, taking my phone with him. I let out a sigh, leaning back in my chair.
The shop phone rings, and I almost don’t have the energy to answer. But I pull myself together and pick up, putting on my cheeriest voice as I say, “Woodvale Skydive.”
As I take a booking over the phone, my eyes prickle.
The last thing my brother needs right now is more turbulence. He needs a friend and a sister and a stable business. I know in my heart that it’s not the right time to tell him about Finn, but it still hurts to think about hiding it from him.
With my brother dealing with his own grief, I can’t add to it. Finn and I will have to keep our relationship to ourselves for a little while longer.
When their conversation is over, Finn brings me my phone and squeezes my shoulder. I look at him, brows arched. He shakes his head.
“I didn’t tell him.”
“Me neither.”
“When he didn’t yell at me, I figured as much,” Finn chuckles. “I need to go to the airfield this afternoon. See you in a few hours?”
I nod. Finn leans down to lay a soft kiss on my lips, and a thrill pierces my belly. Watching him walk away, I know it’ll be worth it to tell my brother about us. I can’t imagine not being with Finn now. He’s as much a part of my life as Kit is.
A while later, the shop door opens. Jackson and Willow step through, smiling at me.
“Hey, chica,” Willow says with a smile.
Jackson grins at me. “Where’s the brooding hottie that owns this place?”
“Who?” My voice squeaks as I try to sound innocent.
The two of them exchange a glance, and then Jackson turns toward me. “Don’t play dumb, Esme. Finn hasn’t been in the Blue Cat Bar for ages, and we stopped by your house on multiple occasions over the past two weeks. Doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.”
My cheeks burn. I’m pretty sure my scalp is red, too. I clear my throat, shaking my head. “Don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Can't Have You: A Stand-Alone Brother's Best Friend Romance Page 15