If Only (Captured)

by Louise J

  That statement was unexpected. I’ve never heard her talk that way before, about soul mates, yet, I’ve always thought of her as mine.

  At least I can understand her better now, but where exactly does that leave me?

  “I know it probably sounds terrible, like I played him. I didn’t, I just handled it all wrong. I should’ve let him go a long time ago.” She falls quiet again, looking down at her hands in her lap. I can’t help but feel there’s more she wants to say. I’d give anything to know what she’s thinking about.

  She glances at me and then looks up to the night sky. Closing her eyes, she exhales.

  So damn beautiful.

  For the first time in all the years I’ve known her, I don’t stop myself from doing what I want to do right now.

  I move toward her.

  Thirty One: Callie

  Soft, warm lips press against mine. He’s kissing me. My eyelids fly open, I pull away. Joe cups the back of my head with his hand, bringing my face to his. As stunned as I am, I can’t pull away again.

  I want more.

  I open up for him, the tips of our tongues connect and heat surges through me at the speed of lightning. Overcome, a moan of need escapes me. Our kiss rapidly becomes greedy and passionate, like two people who’ve been starved of each other. Joe has a firm grasp on the back of my hair and his other arm is around my waist, holding me tight to him. I fit into his lustful, possessive embrace. His skin is on fire, it feels smooth and firm, but so hot. I can feel him everywhere, consuming me, I almost can’t breathe. This is amazing, overwhelming. His mouth tastes of newness, freshness and beer mingled together. His tongue caresses mine, deeply, thoroughly.

  Oh, my God, I’m kissing Joe! Yes, yes, yes, he is definitely a good kisser. Too good, I will regret this.

  Before I know it, we’re no longer sitting up facing each other. I’m flat on my back with Joe on top of me, one of his legs between both of mine, his erection pressing against my hip. Erection! What. The. Fuck. Oh, oh wow. I’ve never experienced so much passion in a man before and– holy fuck, my shirt is off. What? How did that happen? Maybe drunken sex, too? I start to moan, gripping his hair with my fingers and thrusting my pelvis against his.

  No, no, no.

  Reluctant and overwhelmed, I break our contact by turning my face to the side. I’m gasping for air, I feel as though I’ve been held under water for too long. “God, Joe,” I just about manage to say. “We can’t do this,” I pant.

  “Why?”

  Kisses start dancing along my jaw. Shit, shit, shit.

  “Because we can’t, Joe, we’re friends. Let’s not make this messy.” I shove him away using all the physical, and mental, strength I have and keep him back from me with my hands to his chest. I can feel his fierce heartbeat pounding away under my palms. It’s as heavy as my own.

  “I love you, Callie,” he says, his gaze claiming mine.

  My entire body becomes as still as a clay model. I can’t move. I can’t believe my ears.

  Would he really go so far just to fuck me?

  I drive him farther away and sit up. “What the hell, Joe? You can’t do this. Go put that shit on someone else, don’t you dare try it with me.” I’m furious and confused; confused by his words, and the raging desire still within me, and furious because I don’t know why he’s saying this.

  This man does not do love, and I’m no fool.

  “I’m serious, you have no idea how much I’ve wanted you.”

  I can only stare at him. Speech is impossible, I can’t even blink. Before I become mobile, his lips are all over me, my nose, my mouth, down my chin to my neck. I still can’t move. Why is he saying this? Warm mouth covers my nipple.

  Shit, shit, this is way too much.

  I move away and this time I stand up. “This is fucking ridiculous, Joe, you can’t be serious. Do you really think I would buy this shit?”

  There’s a rustle in the bushes to my left. Joe jumps up and takes up a defensive stance in front of me, both of us looking to the noise.

  Gerard leaps out.

  “Bastard!” I shout at him, as I bend down to pick up my shirt and start putting it on. I’m not embarrassed about being dressed in only my panties, but right now I feel more naked than ever before. For the first time ever, I need to be away from Joe. I can’t comprehend the crap he’s trying out here.

  Gerard walks toward us, slowly, with his hands raised like it’s a stickup. He stops still on the spot. “Sorry, guys, I didn’t mean to scare you. I heard raised voices, so came up to check on you. I see you’ve finally made moves on each other.”

  “What?” I spit at him. “What the fuck does that mean?”

  “I’m just sayin’ it’s about time is all. I see I’ve gotten the wrong idea, though.”

  “Yeah, you have,” Joe says.

  “Please, fuck off, Gerard,” I say, turning to pick up my stuff.

  He makes a quick exit, and I feel nothing but anger now. I can’t believe Joe would drop that love shit on me. I’m aware of him standing there, behind me, watching me. I’m rolling up my sleeping bag, ready to return to the tent. I’m leaving tonight.

  “Look, I’m sorry, please stay. I won’t say another word, or do anything.”

  “You just can’t do that, Joe, it’s not fair,” I whine. I feel quite fucking pathetic now.

  “I know, don’t go. Let’s just forget I said anything.”

  I want to stay. Why did he have to do this?

  Sighing heavy with frustration, I replace my sleeping bag on the ground. I slip into it, zip it up, and lay back with the top pulled up to under my armpits. My arms folded over my chest, I stare up at the stars.

  Joe sits down. I know he’s watching me, probably waiting for me to say something. I close my eyes. I can’t look at him, or speak to him.

  Why would he try that with me, he can have any woman he wants? I didn’t, for one second, think Joe was like that. Confused, I sigh as light as I can, so he won’t hear me. Shit, this is messy. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Before I can stop myself, I exhale hard with annoyance. Dammit.

  I replay it all in my head; his actions and his words.

  Is it really possible that he … that we? It seems too good to be true, but is it? I’m sure he wouldn’t mess me around, we’re too close for that. He’s not like that. When Paige said she loved him, he ended things, so he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t mean it. But he said he didn’t want anything that deep, that’s why he ended it. He hasn’t gotten close to any of the women he’s been with since then, and there’ve been more than a few, I can tell you. None of this makes sense.

  “Joe?” I whisper. I don’t know what to say.

  “Yeah?” he answers, in a voice level with mine.

  I lose my nerve. “Nothing.”

  Thirty Two: Joe

  Damn it, what did she want to say? I can’t believe I screwed up like that. What an almighty fuck up?

  I lie back on my sleeping bag, arms folded behind my head. If she’d rejected me and said she didn’t feel the same, I could find a way to deal and move on. I’d have no choice. But the problem seems to be that she doubts me, she doesn’t believe me. She even kissed me back.

  She kissed me back.

  Not only that, her passion matched mine – she wanted it just as much as me.

  Looking over at her, biting down on her bottom lip, brings the memory right back. I can still taste her. That was so much more than I ever imagined. I never intended on kissing her as hard as I did, not for the first time, but the feel and taste of her took me over. That mouth was beyond any I’ve experienced before. Maybe it was too much. Maybe I should’ve spoken to her first.

  Allowing my gaze to linger, I can see her beautiful eyes, now open, sparkling in the low light of the lantern. I’m right back at her mouth. I know for certain it won’t be possible for us to move forward from what’s happened tonight, not without talking about it. No matter what, we have to resolve things. “Callie?”

  She covers her face
with both hands. “Please, not now, Joe.” Shit, she sounds so confused.

  I will get her to talk to me, I still have all night. Somehow, I need to make her realize that not only do I mean what I say, but she can trust me. I’m disappointed she believes I’d play her like that, I thought she knew me better.

  We remain in silence for some time, us each with our own thoughts. I’ve never wanted to know what she’s thinking as much as I do right now.

  “Joe?” she calls, just above a whisper.

  “Yeah?” I keep my gaze aimed up, and I can see that she is also.

  “Do you … do you remember the night I took those Jujutsu photos of you? After we talked in the parking lot … then you escorted me home?”

  “Of course I do.”

  I hear her take a deep breath. “That’s when I knew for certain that I loved you.”

  I stop breathing. Now my heart starts to thunder. What the … did she really just say that? I prop myself up on my elbows and look over at her. “What did you say?”

  “Nothing, forget it.” She closes her eyes and turns her head away from me.

  “Not likely. Callie, look at me.”

  After a significant pause, she does. I can’t believe what she said, that goes way beyond anything I’d even hoped for at this stage. She loves me?

  I move over to lie next to her. Supporting myself on my forearm, I stare down into her eyes, which shift from mine and squeeze shut. I know she meant it. I don’t need to hear it again, it was right there. It was right there along with her fears and her doubts.

  Somehow, I have to find the words. She needs that.

  Thirty Three: Callie

  Is this really happening? If this is a dream then I’d like to wake up, please. Right now! I’m hoping it’s a premonition telling me how not to do things with Joe.

  It’s not a dream. It’s not a premonition, either. Shit.

  Using every shred of determination I can muster, I open my eyes and I look into Joe’s coffee colored depths, which are darker, more intense. His face is inches away from mine. My respiration halts, as he moves closer. His lips barely touch mine. He waits. I place my hand against his cheek. And kiss him.

  Unlike before, this time we’re reserved, hesitant. It’s nothing more than a simple press of our lips. It’s perfect.

  I want to stay like this forever.

  Moving from my mouth, Joe softly pecks the tip of my nose. We stay silent, our gazes locked, my hand curled around the back of his neck. I don’t think either of us can find the words right now. He did mean it. I can see it. For the first time, I can see it.

  The worst thing is – it’s always been there.

  How did I miss it? Recognizing that intensifies the love I feel for him. Breathe, Callie. I close my eyes and inhale.

  Joe breaks the silence. “If this was just about sex, I’d have made a move long ago.” His voice is low, gentle, wanting. I look at him. “It’s so much more than that. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

  I can’t believe this. “Why haven’t you said anything before now?” I whisper.

  “You were with Nick. And I wasn’t sure you were ready for the type of relationship I wanted with you. All your resistance with a guy you said you loved and then that rebound thing with Jackson. I wanted something that could go somewhere, and you needed to be ready for that, or so I thought. I was waiting for the right time.”

  “Joe … you were my problem. I couldn’t stop loving you, even though I wanted to. I saw the way you were and I thought I could never have you, so I tried to make it work with Nick. Loving you made that impossible.”

  He pauses, disbelief clouding his expression. “You gave me no clue,” he says, shaking his head. “I didn’t see it. If I had, I’d have said something from the start; I wouldn’t have waited all this time. I’ve wanted you since the first day you came into BlackArt, no way would I have waited until now if I knew. You are so fucking right for me, in every way. All those one night stands and flings were just because I wanted to be free the moment you were. None of those women came close to you, so I didn’t invest time in them. You set the bar, Baby cake.”

  Just when I thought he couldn’t surprise me anymore, he went and said that. I pull away to sit up. I look down at him, still lying on his side, propped up on one elbow. “Joe, seeing that is what kept me away from you. I didn’t think I could have what I wanted with you, it seemed like you sought the total opposite. Saffron said you weren’t interested in commitment, when I first met you, and that never seemed to change.”

  “Before you came on the scene the last thing I wanted was a relationship, but that wasn’t because I was against them, or couldn’t have one. I just didn’t want to deal with anything too intense at the time. That changed when I met you, but I couldn’t exactly tell you that.”

  “This is unbelievable. I … I don’t know what to say.” This is surreal.

  Sitting up to face me, he clasps my waist with one hand. “You said you love me, too. We both feel the same and we’re both available.” He shrugs his shoulders like it makes absolute sense. And it does, of course it does. I can’t believe this is happening.

  “I do love you, Joe. I just wasn’t expecting any of this.” I was praying he’d like me as more than a friend. I’d have been satisfied with that, for now.

  He skims his lips across my cheek to my ear. “You want me, right?”

  “Yes,” I whisper, with a shiver running through me in response to the caress of his tongue down my neck. “Damn it, yes. Yes, Joe.” Goose bumps attack my skin and I’m certain my nipples are about to rip through my shirt. I take a deep breath, inhaling only him. Joe. My exhale becomes a moan before I can suppress it.

  As he starts to lay me down, I place a hand on the ground to keep myself up. “We can’t have sex.” I said that pointing at him, probably to try and make up for the pathetic tone that even I didn’t find convincing. All I can think of is the open silence that surrounds us and I want to embrace every second of my first time with him. I can’t do that out here. “I’m not saying you’re lying or anything. I just need to not go there with you yet, even if I do really want to.”

  He presses his lips to mine. “This is okay?” he asks. My kiss back is the “Yes” to his question. I hope to heaven and back that I am awake.

  The zipper to my sleeping bag is lowered and the top peeled away. Joe lays me down on it, positioning himself at my side. He kisses me deeply, but remains slow, patient. I thread my fingers through his silky-soft hair and anchor him to me. Time and anything that isn’t us fades away.

  His touch slips under the hem of my undershirt, working up the center of my body, pushing the cotton layer up over my breasts. I release my hands and place them on the ground, above my head, in invitation. I gasp when he frees my lips. “I never forgot what you looked like,” he says, against my mouth, his voice low with the undertone of yearning. His intense-admiring gaze lowers to my mounds. With his forefinger, he circles my left nipple, and it achingly hardens in response. “I’ve always wanted to kiss them. Suck them.” His stare is unwavering, his voice unchanging. I can’t speak, I can just about draw air, or I’d beg him to do it. My need for him is agonizing.

  He lowers his head and trails his warm, wet tongue around my hard peak, one delayed sweep. Reclaiming my hold on his hair, I arch as he grips my bar between his teeth, tugs it lightly, and sucks my flesh into his mouth. “Joe,” I whimper. I’m going insane, I want him so bad. I just want to open my legs and clamp him between them. I want him inside me.

  His palm travels down to my panties, stopping over them, and he clasps my crotch tightly. His responding groan vibrates through me and I moan. “Fuck, you’re so warm,” he mutters against my breast, sounding tormented. I now know for certain that I’m not the only one going crazy here.

  I tilt my hips, pushing against his grip, seeking relief from all the pulsating tension. Biting my bottom lip, I suppress the moans fighting their way out, but it’s impossible not to writhe b
eneath his touch. I wish we weren’t out here. Remaining outside my underwear, he presses his two middle fingers between my soaking wet folds and strokes my clit. Heaven help me, I’m truly losing my mind. As I feel the pleasure start to build and almost succumb to the verbal release, Joe’s mouth captures mine and I cry out into his.

  He breaks our connection and rolls me onto my front. My shirt still up around my chest and upper back, he kisses hungrily down my spine, all the way to my butt, and pulls my panties partially down. The combination of warm breath, licking tongue, and grazing teeth across my ass overwhelms my mind and body. I’m close to begging him to take me right here, hard and fast, so fucking hard and fast, especially now that he’s pulling my underwear off. If we had condoms I’d do it, screw where we are, I don’t care anymore.

  As I urgently fist my sleeping bag, Joe flips me over on to my back, hooks one of my legs over his shoulder and pushes the other one wide. His face right in front of my pussy, he inhales deeply through his nose. “Holy-fucking-shit,” he mutters, pressing his cheek against my inner thigh, his eyes squeezed shut and a tight frown tugging at his brows. “I can smell your arousal.” His grip on my hip tightens, almost painfully, his deep groan a sound of desperation, a reflection of my own. “I’m going out of my mind.” He looks up at me, across the contours of my body, his face partially obscured by his hair falling like open drapes. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Joe,” I sob, over-aroused. I can’t say anything more.

  I swallow hard, against my tight throat, and as I attempt to speak again, he says, “I wanna taste you.”

  Um, what do you say to that? I give a small, pleading nod. He looks ready to devour me. I reach for the shirt he brought with him and hold it tightly over my face, to muffle the sounds already coming from me. I’ve never felt this aroused, or desperate, in my life.

  Heaven is fucking torture.

  He licks me once, slowly. I arch and whimper and flex my toes. He licks me twice, slower, the entire length of my pussy. “I love the way you taste,” he whispers, his cool breath caressing the spot he just stroked. As his tongue delves into me, over and over again, the rough texture combine with his ravenous invasion has me parting my legs wider and thrusting into his face. Teasing, slick swirls over my clit, spearing in and out of me with persistence, it feels like he’s intentionally delaying it, yet he’s so determined and unforgiving about it.