Whisper My Last Goodbye

by Karen Woods

  *

  Harpur sat looking in the mirror at the end of her bed. She’d made an effort tonight and she knew once Neil clocked her he would start to ask questions. She needed to be ready to deal with anything he threw at her, have answers ready. Her clothes were smart but casual, just a pair of jeans and a floral blouse. She looked lovely. Even her make-up was on point tonight. Fastening her shoes, she knew it was time to go. It was now or never. Harpur stood up from the bed and looked at herself for the last time. It was time to face the family.

  “Nana, you look nice,” Joseph stated as soon as she walked into the room.

  Joanne nodded her head too. “Whit-woo. He’s right. That new hair colour really suits you.”

  Neil was examining her. She was uneasy and wondered if he knew what she was up to. “Yep, my darling wife looks stunning tonight. Come here and give me a great big kiss before you go out.”

  Harpur looked over to where he was sat. Was he taking the piss or what? Why was he throwing compliments at her all of a sudden? She’d have much preferred him to have said nothing. At least then she could have gone out without a guilty conscience. Harpur walked over to where he was and casually bent down to peck him on the cheek. There was no way he was getting a full-blown necking session. As she placed her lips near him he gripped her and dragged her onto the sofa with him. “Gorgeous aren’t you. Why don’t you stay in with me tonight and watch a film? We can have a date night. The football’s over in an hour so, come back early from Bridget’s if you want?”

  Was he having a laugh or what? What planet was this guy on? There was no way she was playing second fiddle to a football match, he could shove his date night right up his arse as far as she was concerned. She pulled away from him and she could feel Joanne’s eyes all over her.

  “Thanks, but no thanks, you watch all the football you want. Tonight’s a girl’s night.”

  Neil smacked her arse as she walked away. “Well, don’t say I didn’t offer.”

  Harpur snarled over at him. He was getting right under her skin and nothing he could do was right, they were heading towards dangerous ground and sooner or later these two would be separated. “Right, Joseph give Nana a kiss before I go.”

  The boy ran towards her and swung his arms around her neck. “I love you Nana,” he whispered into her ear.

  Harpur’s eyes clouded over as she looked directly into the child’s eyes. “I love you too. To the moon and stars and back again.”

  Joseph ran to his mother and dived on her. “Can we go to the shop please, can we? Can we?” Joanne was too busy on her phone and pushed him away from her. She never looked at the child once while she spoke. “Yeah, in a bit, just relax for now.”

  Harpur picked up her handbag and looked around the room one last time. “See you all later, I might be late so don’t wait up.” Neither Joanne nor Neil even flinched, they were both too busy doing their own thing. She was gone.

  *

  Bridget filled the glasses up again. It was nearly time to Skype with Dessie. Harpur kept fidgeting in her seat, walking to the mirror, reapplying her pink lip gloss. Her head was all over the place and it was fair to say if she carried on the way she was, she could very well have a heart attack. Bridget was trying to calm her down. “Just chill out. God, it’s not like you don’t know this guy. You have history together so at least you’re not going to be stuck for something to talk about. Just go with the flow, it will come naturally to you once you start talking again.”

  Harpur swigged another mouthful of red wine and sat cracking her knuckles. She changed the subject. “I’ll have to go and see my mam tomorrow too. I know we’ve had words but she’ll be sat on her own.”

  Bridget smiled gently. “It wouldn’t be half as bad if she apologised but she’s a right battleaxe and she never gives in does she?”

  “You can say that again. Stubborn isn’t the word for her. She’s just so bitter sometimes, stone-faced. I swear, if I end up like her just shoot me. Put an end to my misery.” The girls were laughing and then Harpur looked at her with a serious expression. “I’m sure Joanne is seeing somebody else on our Sam. I just have a gut instinct about her. You know when you know something is going on but you can’t put your finger on it?”

  Bridget plonked down on the chair next to her and patted the side of her arm. “Stop worrying about what everyone else is doing. Let them all piss off! This is your time so concentrate on making yourself happy for a change. Let them all sling it, you do enough for them all anyway. If they mess up, then leave them to deal with it.”

  Harpur was staring into space, she was in a world of her own, away with the fairies. Her mobile started ringing, a Skype call from Dessie was alerted across her screen. She swallowed hard, panic set in. Bridget was screaming at her now. “Answer it, bleeding hell, hurry up before it goes off.” Harpur held the phone tightly in her hand, debating, worrying. Bridget repeated herself; she was trying to grab the phone from her to answer the call. Harpur shoved her handset back in her handbag. “I’m not ready. I’m sorry, I thought I was but the timing isn’t right for me at the moment. If I start talking to Dessie it will only end up in misery. That man has trouble stamped all over him.”

  There was a text alert. Harpur shot a look over at Bridget but never flinched. “Bleeding hell, the suspense is killing me, see if the message is from him.” Harpur reached for her phone and scanned the screen.

  “Shitbag, aren’t you? Love Dessie X”

  Bridget read the message with her and shook her head. “Are you really not going to speak to him? He could be your destiny, the one, everlasting love.”

  “Oh will you piss off with your predictions, bleeding Mystic Meg. There is no such thing as a happy ending in our world. Give your head a shake and realise once and for all that Mr Perfect doesn’t exist.”

  Bridget spat her dummy out and gritted her teeth tightly together. “Oh, is that right Mrs Negative? He does exist and that’s who I’m holding out for. I’ll tell you what should I?” She poked her finger into Harpur’s arm. “You stay in your little bubble and see how long you last. What, are you going to sit about until you’re old and grey and can’t move about to do anything about it? Don’t say I didn’t tell you so when you’re a pensioner and I see you still miserable and bitter just like you say your mam is.”

  These were harsh words indeed and they hit a nerve. Harpur shrugged her shoulders and knew her friend was right. Necking the rest of her wine, she flicked her head over her shoulder. “Right, okay. I’ll ring him back. Just back off and let me do things at my own speed.” Harpur was sweating, small beads of sweat were forming on her forehead. Sucking in a large mouthful of air, she picked her phone up and went into the bedroom. She was raging inside and had something to prove now. She was still daring and she still believed in Mr Right. “Here goes”, she whispered as she dialled the number. Harpur straightened her hair and sat with the phone in a position where she could see her old flame. It was ringing and ringing. Come on Dessie, answer the call. The sound changed on the connection and an image started to appear on the screen. Harpur twisted her fingers rapidly and got ready to see her first love. They both looked at each other for a few seconds and Dessie started laughing out loud.

  “So, you finally plucked up the courage then did you?”

  “I don’t need courage to speak to you, Dessie Ryan.” So here it was, their first date, first Skype call. The start of their friendship, their affair.

  Dessie moved closer to the screen and examined every inch of her. She could see him digesting her. There was no way she was moving, she was making sure she kept a straight face. “So what have you been up to?” He asked. Harpur just started to talk and it was funny how calm she was when she spoke. There were no nerves, no jitters, she was confident. “Just working I suppose. I’m pretty boring really, not like you living in the sunshine.”

  Dessie smiled and she melted inside as she started to remember his smile from when he was younger. “I can’t imagine you ever being b
oring. And as for me living in the sunshine, it’s not all it’s made out to be. I’ve got a good tan though haven’t I?” Dessie yanked his grey t-shirt up and revealed his stomach area. Harpur’s jaw dropped low. The guy was ripped with a six-pack, he was toned. She swallowed hard and tried not to look impressed. “You must be a right sun- worshipper. I bet you’re a right poser over there.”

  Dessie held his head back and chuckled. “Why would I be a poser? I’m pretty shy I am.”

  “Since when have you been shy Dessie Ryan, stop chatting shit.” Harpur covered her mouth with her hand. She was trying her best not to swear but it just slid out. He must have known she was common now and had never bettered herself.

  Dessie raised his eyebrows. “I see you’re still a straight-talker then. Some things never change do they.” These two had chemistry, right from the start this couple clicked. It was like someone had given them a sip of love potion for each of them to drink and they were besotted with one another.

  Bridget opened the bedroom door and sniggered. There was no way she was missing a glance off him. She marched forward and waved at the screen. “Are you alright Dessie, long time ay?”

  Dessie studied her for a few seconds and burst out laughing. “That’s got to be Bridget for sure. Oh my God, you’ve not changed one little bit.”

  Bridget blushed and blew him a kiss before she left the bedroom. She got Harpur’s attention before she left. “Hottie or what? Get hooked up, arrange a meeting,” she whispered. Harpur tried ignoring her best friend and flicked her eyes back to the screen. The pair of them spent around forty minutes chatting and they filled the gaps in the years that had passed. Harpur looked at her wristwatch, she needed to go but she was enjoying herself like she hadn’t in years. Dessie lit a cigarette and blew smoke towards her through the screen. Harpur was glad he was still smoking and lit a fag up too, she was gasping for a fix of nicotine. Even the way this man smoked sent her head spinning, he just had something about him that she was instantly attracted to. “I’m home at the end of next month if you want to meet up. We can have a date, a catch-up?”

  Oh, she hadn’t been expecting this. What was she going to say? She choked, became lost for words. “I’m married Dessie and you have a wife or girlfriend don’t you?”

  He let out a laboured breath and shook his head slightly. “Ssshhh, stop being a shit-bag. I’m just saying it would be nice to meet up that’s all. I’m not saying we will dive in bed with each other,” his eyes were wide open and he smirked over at her. “Well, not unless you wanted to and then I’d need to think about it.” He roared laughing and she did too.

  “Get over yourself Dessie. The days are over when you could have me. You’re punching above your weight and you know it.” Go on girl, she was holding her own and giving it him back.

  Dessie licked his lips slowly and his voice was quiet. “I’m just saying think about it and see if you fancy it. No pressure.”

  This was getting out of control, she had to end the call, give herself some time to think. “Maybe I will. Maybe I won’t. I’ll let you know when I’ve thought about it,” she quickly checked her wristwatch. “Dessie, I’ve got to go. It’s been nice speaking to you and I’m glad everything has worked out for you in your life. But it’s late.” Bleeding hell, what a speech that was, why on earth had she said that. She should have been cool with him, kept him on the back burner, teased him, made him beg her. She cringed and played with the corner of her blouse as he started to talk.

  “My life is anything but perfect Harpur. Perhaps I’ll explain to you one day when we sit down together. There is some stuff I need to tell you. Can we talk again?”

  Harpur just wanted rid of him now. Her arse had fallen out and she was starting to feel guilty. “Let’s see. I’ll let you know.” She looked at the screen and waved at Dessie. “Goodnight, it’s been good catching up. Take care. Speak soon.” Dessie was about to say something else but she ended the call before he got the chance.

  Bridget ran straight into the room and dived on the bed. “You did it. How easy was that! See, what was the harm in a little chat with an old buddy?”

  Harpur gasped her breath and rubbed her hot sticky palms together. “It was easy, I just felt at ease with him. I swear he’s got me all, erm, oh, I don’t know but he makes me feel good and sort of reminds me of the woman I was.”

  “Come on, did you fancy him, did he give you butterflies?”

  “Derr.. did he ‘eck. Come on Bridget, I’m not a kid anymore. It will take more than a video call for me to ever be interested in Dessie Ryan again, he’s just a friend now. Nothing more, nothing less. Just let’s say he made me smile again.”

  Bridget followed Harpur back into the front room. Her phone was getting lots of text alerts. Harpur was cool and never once looked at her phone. Dessie Ryan could wait, there was no way she was jumping through hoops for him, not now not ever. Harpur kicked her legs up on the sofa. “Come on then, get them tunes on. I fancy a dance.” Bridget didn’t need asking twice. She pulled out her ABBA CD and waved it in the air. “Come on then, let’s get a groove on.” Bridget loaded the music and danced over to her friend, singing as the song began. “Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine, oh yeah.”

  *

  Later, as Harpur lay in bed looking at the back of Neil’s head, she reached over and touched the back of his neck. Was she being fair on him? Was her marriage that bad that she had to find fun and excitement somewhere else? Checking her husband was asleep, she picked up her phone and started to read the list of messages from the night before.

  “You looked amazing Harpur. You took my breath away. I didn’t expect to feel like this. What the hell have you done to me I can’t get you out of my head. Love Dessie X”

  There was no way she was replying yet. It was too risky. Neil could wake up at any second. Placing her phone on silent she shoved it back onto her bedside cabinet. Harpur snuggled down to sleep, she had a warmth rising through her body, a feeling she’d not felt for a long time. She jerked her head forward a bit and kissed Neil’s back, he never flinched. He was fast asleep. Harpur closed her eyes and started to drift off. Tonight she was at ease with the world, her problems seemed to have melted away. Dessie Ryan must have sprinkled her with love and cured her. All she could think about was him.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Harpur drove inside the cemetery and headed down the path to where she could park her car up. She needed to talk to her brother, ask his advice, let him point her in the right direction. He always knew what to do in a crisis. Brady had always been good like that. It was quiet here today, there was an eerie silence and a slight chill in the winter air. Harpur plodded along the path and crossed the grass verge to where her brother was laid to rest. She quickened her pace. There were new flowers on Brady’s grave, bright blooms of colour. Bending down slightly, she read the small white card sticking out from the flowers.

  “Always Melanie XX”

  Harpur gripped the card tightly in her hand and squashed it up in a tight round ball. How dare she come here! Why was she coming to see him now he was gone? She’d never seen sight or sound of this woman. Hold on, yes, Sam had mentioned this name to her when she was on a visit with him. Harpur needed to find her, find out what she knew. It was obvious she thought a lot of Brady, otherwise why did she come to his grave and bring him flowers? Harpur inhaled deeply and plonked down on the floor near Brady’s headstone. It took a few seconds before her words began to flow. “It’s a mess our kid. I need your help. I’m just getting myself in deeper and deeper but I can’t stop myself anymore. You know Neil will always just be Neil don’t you? Well, I need more. You said yourself that he wasn’t my type when I met him but I thought I knew best and ignored you. For crying out loud, what’s happening to me? I should just be happy that I have a man who adores me.” Harpur started laughing and touched the headstone with her fingers. “You said I needed a bad lad, a gangster, someone who kept me on my toes. Bloody hell, it was the last thing I need
ed after that lunatic I was with, wasn’t it? Do you remember when you attacked that idiot for me? Orr, he was a big bastard too wasn’t he. I can still see you now jumping on him, throwing punches. You were only a kid too wasn’t you? But I loved you for that Brady. We were there for each other no matter what, through thick and thin,” she held her head to the side, thinking before she spoke again. “I ask myself do I even love Neil any more and I don’t know Brady. Honest, it’s sad but true. Everything he’s doing lately is just getting under my skin. He’s bugging the life out of me and he knows it. Sex is like watching paint dry too,” she smiled gently and made sure nobody could hear her. “We can talk about stuff like that me and you can’t we? We can tell each other anything.” Harpur paused and just looked down at the soil beneath her. Was he really gone, was her brother really lying underneath her? “I’ll never forget how you always stood by me our kid, especially when nobody else would. Thick as thieves we were. And I suppose you were the sister I never had. Do you remember jumping on our mam’s bed with me when we were younger, flying kicks and all that? The way I bounced that high I nearly went through the bleeding ceiling. They were the good old days weren’t they?”