by Karen Woods
Harpur looked up at the sky above and her eyes clouded over. “I think you have been coming to see me haven’t you? I lay in bed this morning and I woke up smelling you. It was the Lynx body spray you used to wear. I swear to you I could smell it all over my pillow. It’s nice of you to visit me, it shows you still care.” Harpur looked at her surroundings and started to pull the dead petals from the flowers. “I’m going to see mam soon, she does my head in too. You know what she’s like when she sees her arse. Can’t you send her a new man or something, anything to cheer the miserable cow up. She’s kicked off with me again, no surprise there. As you know she always starts on me when nobody else is about. I wanted to rag her about. Honest Brady, she winds me up so much. Every day is a struggle with her lately and I’m sure she blames me somehow for you not being here.” There was anger now, frustration, bitterness. “I need to find out what was going on though, Brady. I just know you wouldn’t have left me without saying goodbye first.” A tear streamed down her cheek as she continued. “I miss you so much our kid. I play your Talking Heads CD a lot too. It just reminds me of you. There is a track on it called Heaven, it just makes me cry when I listen to the words of that song.”
Harpur started to sing softly and the tears were coming now, she was sobbing. “I’ve started talking to Dessie Ryan again Brady. Don’t go mad at me, just try and understand me. I just needed a bit of something to help me through this bad time. And he does, honest, he takes me away to a place where there are no problems, no misery. I can see your face now saying, ‘Why him, he hurt you once before, don’t give the tosser the time of the day,’” her fingers touched her brother’s face on his small photograph on his headstone. “Orr, you sat with me nearly every night after Dessie cheated on me didn’t you? Wiped my tears away you did. I’m just going to see what happens and to tell you the truth, if it helps me through the day then I can’t see what harm it is doing can you?”
Harpur stood and stretched her legs, she was getting anxious. “I’m scared Brady. I can’t remember your face anymore, brother. It keeps fading and I panic. Nobody knows what I’m going through but you. I need you to guide me, help me get my life back on track. I’ve got my counselling appointment later today too. I’m sure he thinks I’m a lunatic. You should see his face when I tell him stuff about my life. He’s gobsmacked, you can tell he’s never lived in the real world like us.” Harpur got a text alert on her phone and she smiled at her brother’s headstone. “That will be Dessie, here, look at his photograph and see what you think.” She flicked to Dessie’s profile picture and held it to face her brother. “What do you think? He’s not changed much has he?” She read the message out aloud.
“I loved seeing you last night. My heart has been pumping all day thinking about you. Can we do it again? Love Dessie X”
“See what I mean, Brady. He makes me feel alive. I’ve never felt like this before in my life. He makes my heart skip a beat. Even when I met Neil I never had this kind of feeling inside me. This man takes my breath away.” She covered her mouth with her hand. Had she really just said that? Harpur sat back down and folded her arms across her chest. “Okay, I’m going to come clean and tell you how he makes me feel. It’s like a warmth riding through my body when I think about him, I get butterflies. He feels like home if that makes sense.” Harpur was pouring her heart out here and she shocked herself that she was talking so openly about her feelings. This was her secret though, only her and Brady would ever know how she truly felt. Her heart needed to be protected. Dessie Ryan had already broken it once before and she could never let him do it again. She was older now and a lot wiser. Or so she thought. “I’ve got to leave you now. I will call again soon. And if you are coming to visit me again, please don’t do any spooky shit to me, you know that I hate anything like that,” she smiled and looked at his photograph one last time and smirked. “No, seriously. Don’t mess about with me. Just send me some white feathers, that’s enough for now.” Harpur stood and straightened the flowers in the pots nearby. She kissed his photograph and stood looking at his resting place for a few more seconds. “I love you, our kid. I miss you so much.” Harpur was gone.
Harpur sat in the car and flicked the engine over. She looked at her phone and smirked. She was in this now and there was no backing out. It was a do or die situation. Her fingers were itching to get started. She began to type her reply to Dessie.
“Hi there, I enjoyed our chat too. I can’t say my heart has been pumping about all day though like yours has. You have always been a bullshitter and I never believe a word you say to me. I’m immune to you I think. You’re a player Dessie Ryan and that will never change. Love Harpur X”
She pressed the send button and stared at the screen for a few seconds. Harpur knew this was wrong but what the hell, she had to get her kicks somewhere didn’t she? She checked her wristwatch and sighed. Harpur had fifteen minutes to get to her appointment with Mark. Pulling out onto the main road, she joined the traffic. Neil had said earlier that it was a date night tonight too and he was going to put something together for tea. He must have sensed that she wasn’t happy with him. Too little too late she thought. He should have done something months ago. This was all his doing.
*
Mark sat facing Harpur and he seemed a bit moody today. Perhaps he should have had some therapy, help ease his own troubles, the miserable get. His tone was different too. He was speaking as if he just wanted to get this session over with; he was snappy, rushing, not digesting anything. Harpur shot a look over at him and spoke in a low tone. “Is everything alright Mark, you seem a bit stressed today, a bit down even.” How funny was this? Here she was with troubles of her own and she was the one doing the comforting.
Mark crossed his legs and he was doing his best to be as professional as he could, but his own dramas were taking over. “Oh, just ignore me Harpur. I’ve just got out on the wrong side of bed today that’s all. It will all sort itself out anyway.”
Harpur dipped her eyes and sniggered to herself and tried to hold a straight face. Mark coughed to clear his throat and told her the usual confidentiality rules. Harpur sat back, she was relaxed today. Her words seem to flow and she had no difficulties opening up. Mark sat back in his chair and chewed on the end of his black biro as he began speaking. “So how are you feeling? I must admit you do look a bit happier than the last time I spoke to you.”
Harpur nodded and smiled. “I suppose you’re right. I seem to be coping with stuff a lot better than I normally do.” Mark began to take a few notes and he continued to listen to her. “Mark, I think I might be a bit closer to finding out what happened before my brother’s death. There is a girl who might know more than she is saying. Once I find her I’m sure she’ll tell me what she knows and then I can put all this to bed once and for all. He might have had woman troubles I think.”
Mark thought she was pissing in the wind if he was being honest and raised his eyes as he continued. “Maybe you should just leave her be. I mean, say she tells you something that you don’t want to hear? Brady was in a bad place from what you’ve told me and people do things they wouldn’t normally do when the need for drugs becomes stronger than anything else.” Harpur looked at him and you could see she was getting angry. Why was he judging Brady when he knew nothing about his life? Yes, he was a junkie but he was a human being too! She retaliated. “No Mark, no matter what’s gone on I need to know the truth. My mam’s like you, she keeps telling me to leave it alone but if you knew our Brady, you would know he would never do anything like this without something pushing him over the edge. He would never have left me without saying goodbye. It doesn’t make sense. Night after night I sit wondering if I’ve missed something, some little detail that would put my mind to rest.” Mark let her finish talking. He’d heard all this before and just sat listening. He was getting bored, hiding his mouth as he yawned. Harpur was thinking out loud. “It would all make sense then wouldn’t it? It would help us deal with it better. At the moment it’s like a jigs
aw but nothing seems to fit. Do you know how frustrating that is?” Mark never said a word. She sat thinking for a few seconds and suddenly changed the subject, just blurted it out. “I’m speaking to my old boyfriend too. Is that classed as cheating? I’ve only had a chat with him on Skype. We haven’t had sex or anything. Just chit-chat really.”
Mark was interested now. This was something new and not the normal doom and gloom she spoke about. “Obviously you know it’s wrong, otherwise why have you just told me about it?”
Harpur tilted her head to the side a little. It wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. Mark needed to loosen up for once and see things as they really were. If she was getting a buzz from chatting to some man, then so be it, what harm was she doing? Harpur sat up straight in her chair and crossed her legs. “For once in my life I want to do something for me. All my relationships in the past have been, well, decided for me if you know what I mean.”
Mark was into this conversation and he delved deeper. “Can you explain what you have just said, your relationships have been decided for you? I don’t understand what you mean by that.”
Harpur sighed and rolled her eyes. “When I met Sam’s dad, well, I was sort of on the rebound and I was probably searching for a quick fix, a fling, just some fun. But I got what I deserved and it served me right for being such a dickhead. I should have known better. And the same thing happened when I met Neil. I was broken and he was there to fix me. I suppose I was damaged goods in a way. Well, that’s what I think.”
Mark tapped his pen on his teeth rapidly. “And this new man, would he be a rebound from your husband?”
Harpur sat forward in her seat and cupped her hands around her knees. “No, there is no rebound this time. My marriage has just gone stale. We’ve drifted apart. And you can save your words by saying try working at my marriage because I’ve already tried that. Nothing works. I have to face it, it’s over.”
Mark was such a do-gooder, he always had to put a dampener on it. “Does Neil know it’s over?”
Harpur was sad now, her bottom lip was trembling, her yes welling up. It hurt her inside to even think of seeing her husband upset after all they had been through together. “No, he just thinks we’re just going through a bad patch. He doesn’t seem bothered really. He tells me he loves me all the time but he doesn’t make me feel safe anymore. He's taken me for granted for so long and he just expects me to carry on like everything is rosy in the garden.” Harpur folded her arms tightly across her chest, she was on the defensive. “Mark, I’ve tried for years to make my marriage work. God knows I’ve tried everything but when it’s gone it’s gone isn’t it? It would break his heart if I left him so I just plod on. Every day is a struggle. But what about me, don’t I deserve to be happy?”
“And, this new man. What do you expect from him, can he make you happy?”
“I expect nothing, we’re just talking. What would I want from Dessie anyway?”
Mark could see she was getting agitated. “I think you should take things slowly. Don’t be jumping into anything too quickly. From what you’ve told me in the past, Neil is a good man and perhaps you should just give it one last go. I mean, just to see if it is really the end.”
Harpur snarled at him and he knew she didn’t like what she’d just heard. He was judging her, thinking she was a slapper, a slut who jumped into bed with the first man that came along. She sighed heavily, deflated. “I’m not leaving Neil. I’m just telling you how I feel that’s all. That’s part of your job isn’t it, to listen?” Harpur clammed up straight away and there was no chance she was talking about her dilemma with him anymore.
Mark dipped his eyes and continued. “In our last session, we spoke about the domestic abuse from your ex-partner.” Harpur had never told Mark her previous partner’s name and even now she would never tell him. Her lips burned with hatred every time she used his name and if she was ever speaking about him, she always referred to him as ‘the prick’ or ‘dickhead’. It was funny because everyone knew who she meant, even Mark. Harpur was losing interest. She didn’t want to talk about her past anymore. It would only put her on a downer for the day. At the moment she was just ticking over and she didn’t want a dark cloud above her head anymore. The two of them sat talking about everyday life and how her son was set for a new life when he came home from prison. She spoke about Maddie too, she never really saw her anymore. Her daughter just bobbed in every now and then, staying the night when she was bored. Maddie had always been independent, she never needed anyone, she only ever needed money. But something had changed with her lately, she seemed withdrawn. Perhaps her uncle’s death had hit her more than she was letting on. The pair of them were close and they got on well. The session came to an end and Harpur picked up her belongings to leave. A waste of a session it was, nothing to report really, no life-changing decisions made.
Just before she left, Mark knew he’d probably been a bit too hard on her regarding her new friend. He stood up and coughed to get her attention. “Harpur, I do believe everyone deserves to be happy. And like you said, this is your time. Just think things through. I just don’t want you jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire that’s all. Love is a beautiful thing and is sometimes found when you’re not looking for it. When it’s real, you can’t fight it off, it just gets a grip of you and you don’t think straight. Just remember that will you?”
Harpur raised her eyebrows. Mark must have known she’d spat her dummy out and perhaps she’d been a bit off with him since he gave his opinion. But anyway, the air was cleared now and they were both back on track. “See you next week Mark, and thanks for listening. I know I do your head in sometimes but I just need to get stuff out of my head every now and then. You do understand don’t you?”
Mark sniggered, “Of course I do. Remember, it’s my job.” Harpur swung her bag over her shoulder and left the room. Mark sat back down in his chair and sat staring into space for a few minutes. Harpur was right, he did have something lying heavily on his mind.
Sheila sat near the back door smoking her head off. The back gate opened and Harpur strolled inside. “What are doing sat there, you never usually move from your chair when the television is on.”
“You’re a cheeky bleeder you are. Of course I move. Who do you think does all the cleaning in this place?”
Harpur twisted her head back over her shoulder and from the corner of her eye she clocked a pile of black bags in the corner of the garden. “What’s all that?” she asked as she walked inside. Sheila stubbed her cigarette out quickly.
“It’s all a load of old shite. It’s the last of our Brady’s stuff. I’ve rooted through it and there is nothing worth keeping. Just crap really.”
Harpur plonked herself down on the sofa and by the looks of her she wasn’t happy. How could she just throw his belongings out without talking to her first, she might have wanted something out of it? “Well, I might want to keep some of his stuff. I’ll have a look through it myself. You know what you’re like for throwing stuff away.”
Sheila hesitated, the colour draining from her cheeks. “No love, just leave it alone. I’ve sorted through it and it’s just a pile of shit really, old letters, old socks and trainers. Nothing worth keeping. You know what he was like for hoarding stuff.” Harpur could see she was distressed and never said any more about it but she watched her every movement, she was hiding something for sure, she was edgy. Sheila walked into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on. “Do you want a brew, I’ve got some nice cakes in?”
Harpur looked shocked, she’d never treated her like this before. Her mother was actually being nice. “I’ll have a coffee please. I don’t want a cake though, Neil’s cooking tea tonight so I’ll have to leave some room for that.”
Sheila walked back from the kitchen holding a white envelope in her hand. “Marion from number six called here before. The neighbours had a whip-round and they all donated some money to help with the funeral costs.”
Harpur smiled, “that’s ni
ce of them isn’t it?”
“It is considering our Brady probably robbed half of them!” Harpur sniggered, her mum had such a way with words, she just said it how it was sometimes. “There’s one hundred and sixty pounds here. I was thinking we could buy him a pot to go on his grave, perhaps, another black and gold one to match the others.”
“Yeah, that would be nice. I went to the cemetery earlier Mam and there were some flowers on Brady’s grave from someone called Melanie. I’ve never heard of her, have you?”
Sheila popped a fag into the corner of her mouth and walked back into the kitchen. She shouted behind her. “Oh, yes, I know her. That’s nice of her isn’t it?”
Harpur was puzzled. “Who is she mam? I’ve never heard you mention her before. Did Brady know her?”
Sheila came back into the front room holding two cups hooked around her finger. “Quick, grab one of them cups before I scold myself.”
Harpur quickly gripped one of the mugs and placed it on the floor near her feet. She needed to get back on the subject of this Melanie girl. Sheila spoke as if she knew her. “Yes, anyway, the flowers were lovely from her. They must have cost an arm and a leg. Did you know Melanie?”
Sheila scratched the side of her head. “I didn’t know her as such, but I heard Brady mention her a few times. And she was always speaking to him at night on his phone when he was in bed. Well, that’s if he came home.”
“Where does she live, is she from round here?”
Sheila shot a quick glance over at her daughter and she must have realised what she was saying. She became cagey and dismissed what she’d just said. “Our Diane’s on her way over. Apparently, she’s met the man of her dreams and wants to tell me all about it. I mean, what do I want to know about her love life for? I’d rather have a nice pot of tea than listen to her talking about the next perfect man she’s found. She’s better off staying single if you ask me. Men are nothing but trouble!”