Seasons of Her Life

by Fern Michaels

  “I seem to remember being there for you, too,” Dixie sobbed in return.

  “You ran away. You sold your goddamn house. All you had to do was make one phone call, send one letter, a fucking note, telling me you were okay, that you had a problem you had to deal with. Five minutes out of your life, but I wasn’t worth the effort. Get out of my face, Dixie. I’m sick of you and your excuses,” Ruby said shrilly. “You said we were a team, better than sisters. You said we were going to grow old together and sit in rocking chairs and reminisce. That was all bullshit of the worst kind, because you knew it was a lie. I believed in our friendship. You didn’t and that’s the bottom line.”

  Ruby sat down on the sofa and dropped her head into her hands. She couldn’t stop the flow of tears. The dogs inched closer, eyeing Dixie warily. Doozie was on the mantel, hissing and snarling.

  Dixie walked across the room. She dropped to her knees, careful to stay far enough away from Ruby so the jittery dogs wouldn’t spring at her.

  “I couldn’t handle the success, Ruby. That’s what my shrink said, anyway. I couldn’t seem to get a handle on anything after Hugo died. All I did was exist, mark time. Even when I got sick, I couldn’t bring myself to go to the hospital for two years. I just didn’t care. I didn’t want any more troubles, any more problems. When you don’t know what to do, do nothing, right? I was so damned tired of being a burden to you and to myself.”

  Ruby raised her head, tears rolling down her cheeks. “You expect me to buy that bullshit? You marked time for five goddamn fucking years? Stuff it. I’m not stupid. You hung me out to dry. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave now,” Ruby said wearily, the tears drying on her cheeks. Sick? What did she mean?

  “I was never as tough as you, Ruby,” Dixie said sadly. “I couldn’t stare it down and pull up my socks.”

  “I would have helped you. That’s what friends are for. Why now, after so long?”

  “Well, I thought if I came here now, at this time of year, you might feel more charitable toward me. At least I hoped so. Because I need you. I need someone to take care of me. I’m dying, Ruby. I have breast cancer. I had a mastectomy three years ago, but the tumor has come back.”

  Ruby’s head whirled. She felt faint, sick. “Who told you you were going to die?”

  “I’ve been to five different specialists. It’s not spreading, Ruby, it’s galloping through my entire body. Each day I ... I don’t have long, Ruby. A month at the most. I’m taking massive ... Look, I don’t want to die alone, and you’re all I have. I didn’t mean to come here and spoil your Christmas. Ruby, I am so sorry.”

  Dixie was dying and she was apologizing for it. Ruby looked at her old friend, really looked at her. She opened her arms and Dixie stepped into them. All the bad was gone, the years wiped away. Ruby swore later that she felt her broken heart snap back together.

  “I wanted to tell you ... so many things,” Ruby said. “About myself. About us, our friendship. I wanted to clear all the negative out of my life. I spent a lot of time being angry with you. The reasons I came here aren’t important, but this place, these animals and some very nice people, helped me to get back on track. And Andrew has been wonderful. Hard to believe, huh? My God, of course I’ll ... take care of you. I’ll do my best, but are you sure you don’t ... wouldn’t you be better off in a ...”

  “No, Ruby. This is right for me, if you can handle it. If you can’t, I can walk away. As you always say, I’m good at that. Only promise one thing. I don’t want a place. You have to agree to that.”

  “No place! Oh, no, Dixie, I can’t agree to that.”

  “No place, Ruby,” Dixie said stubbornly. “I know you. You’ll go there all the time and weep and wail, and before you know it, you’ll be blaming yourself for my death. No place. Promise me.”

  Ruby sniffed, the tears rolling down her cheeks. She nodded.

  “Everything is taken care of legally. I’m not leaving you a mess to deal with. Ruby, I think I love you more than anyone on this earth. I’m not just saying that because ... I’m saying it because it’s true. Do you think I could lie down for a little while?”

  “Lie down,” Ruby said stupidly. “Oh, lie down. Yes, yes, of course. Can you make it up the steps? I can help you. Lean on me, Dixie.”

  In the guest bedroom, Ruby turned on the electric blanket. “Sit here and don’t move.”

  Ruby ran to her room for one of her long flannel nightgowns and a pair of heavy wool socks. Within minutes she had stripped off Dixie’s clothing and bundled her up in bed. Dixie was so emaciated. Skin and bones. Tears rolled down Ruby’s cheeks.

  “Don’t cry for me, Ruby. I cried enough for both of us. I hate to ask this, but could you get me something warm to drink? I have some pills I have to take, and they go down easier with tea. That’s silly, isn’t it?”

  “No, not at all. Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it. I’m going to make a fire for you. The room will be toasty in a few minutes. The wood is really dry. It’s cherry, and it smells so nice. See, it’s sparking. Oh, Dixie, I wish there were something more ... you should have come sooner,” she babbled. “I’ll be right back with the tea. Do you like the flavored kind? It’s all I have.”

  “It’s fine, Ruby. Hot water would be fine, too.”

  In the hall and on the way down the steps Ruby cried. For all the would-haves, the could-haves, the should-haves. She was still crying while she waited for the water to boil. Without thinking why, she picked up the phone and called Andrew. She sobbed in misery as she told him what happened.

  “Andrew, I need you to come here,” she told him. “I need someone nearby, someone I can count on to ... to pick me up if I ... if I falter. I know it’s asking a lot. You can help Andy with the ice-rink project he’s working on for that hockey player. I need a friend, Andrew.”

  “I’m packing as you speak. I won’t be able to get a flight out till morning, unless you want me to charter one. It’s your call, Ruby.”

  “Go for it, Andrew. Just get here as soon as you can.”

  Andrew walked into Ruby’s kitchen the following afternoon looking haggard. “Jesus, you could have told me you had two feet of snow,” he blustered good-naturedly. The animals circled his feet, yapping and barking to be petted. He obliged, his eyes on Ruby.

  “Coffee?” she asked.

  “Hell yes, and something to eat.”

  Ruby broke down. She started to shake, tears rolling down her cheeks. Andrew wrapped her in his arms.

  “Jesus, Ruby, what can I do?”

  “I don’t know, Andrew. Maybe nothing. Just be here for me, okay? If you see that I’m ... you know ... not cutting it ... kick me in the shins, anything to get me ... I have to do this, but I’m all screwed up. There’s one little part of me that won’t let go of the hurt and the anger. Say something, Andrew. Help me.”

  “Ruby, you can’t save the entire world by yourself. You are a born giver, but you’re not perfect. No one is. You’ve told me yourself the reason you failed in your relationships is that you expected too much from other people. But you haven’t figured out that you also expect too much from yourself. You’re allowed to falter now and again. It’s no big sin, Ruby. I think it’s okay for you to hang on to that little bit you don’t want to let go of. It’s who you are.”

  “But, Dixie ...”

  “There is no doubt in my mind that she loves and trusts you more than anyone in the world. She knew you would come through for her. She knows you better than you know yourself. Don’t worry about forgiving her. Just open your heart all the way to her, Ruby, even if you’re still angry. All the way or you won’t get through it.”

  “Andrew ... Andrew ...”

  “Yes,” Andrew drawled.

  “I never ... I never thought about it like that. You mean that I could be so angry with her and still love her? How did you ... how did you get so smart?”

  “How the hell should I know? We both know I’m a selfish bastard. I don’t want to talk about this, Ruby,” A
ndrew said.

  A long time later Ruby said, “It’s almost Christmas. What kind of holiday is this going to be?”

  “It’s going to be whatever you make it. I hope you bought me a great present.”

  “What kind of present are you giving me?”

  “Something you will treasure the rest of your life.”

  Ruby snorted. “I’ll believe that when I see it. Marty told me you started watching the shopper’s channel. You better not be giving me something you bought over the TV, Andrew.”

  “It’s a meaningful present,” Andrew said.

  Sam took that moment to appear in the kitchen. He tugged on Ruby’s pant leg before he raced back upstairs. “Dixie’s awake. All she’s done is sleep. Sometimes she doesn’t ... she’s back in the past ... this morning she didn’t know me for a little while. I called the local doctor and he came by earlier. He said he was sending over a stronger painkiller. I feel so helpless. I need to do something for her.”

  “You are. What you’re doing is making her last days as good as you can make them. You, Ruby, not some nurse, not some stranger.”

  “Come with me, Andrew. I know Dixie would like to see you. We’ll say you came early for the holidays.”

  “Look who’s here, Dix,” Ruby said cheerfully when they came into her room.

  “Dixie, it’s good to see you,” Andrew said, leaning over the bed to kiss her cheek. “Sorry you’re under the weather.”

  “Andrew, it’s nice to see you. Are you here for the holidays?”

  “Yep. You’re stuck with me for a while. For now, though, I’m going to let you ladies talk. I think if I want to be fed, I’m going to have to do some snow-shoveling. You do have a shovel, don’t you, Ruby?”

  “It’s on the back porch.”

  “Can I try one of the new pills?” Dixie asked when Andrew had gone.

  “They didn’t get here yet, Dixie. There’s a lot of snow out there. I don’t know if the main roads have been plowed.”

  “Then can I have two of the others? The pink ones.”

  “Sure.” Whatever it takes, Ruby said to herself. Did it matter now if Dixie got two or three pills instead of one? “Can I get you a book, or would you like me to turn on the television? Are you warm enough?”

  “I’m fine, Ruby. I think I might like some sound, though.”

  “Music? I can bring in my portable radio. Would you like that?” Dixie nodded.

  A little while later Ruby was back in the stifling bedroom, trying to make Dixie comfortable.

  “Ruby, don’t try so hard,” Dixie whispered.

  “Am I doing that?”

  “I think so. Talk to me, okay? Tell me everything from the time ... from the time I left. Don’t leave anything out.”

  Ruby talked until her voice grew raspy.

  It was late afternoon when Dixie said, “What will you do if you sell the business?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll think about that when the time comes. I do know one thing, though. I’m never going to leave this place. I might go away, but this is the home I’ve always wanted. I belong here. Money isn’t an issue for me, my children, their children, or their grandchildren. I’ve provided for generations still to come. If I said I was going to do good deeds, would you laugh at me?”

  “No. I’d say good for you, Ruby. If you ever get tired of doing that, you’ll have the brownie recipe. Maybe you can do something with it. I wish I’d tasted one.”

  Ruby broke down then and howled her grief. “It’s not fair,” she bellowed. “Why does it have to be you? Why not some criminal, some person who deserves to ... why you? You never did anything wrong. You’re a good person. It isn’t time for you to go. I need more time with you!” Ruby cried out, totally losing control.

  Down below, on the first floor, Andrew knocked over his coffee cup and then took the stairs two at a time.

  Inside the bedroom Ruby was screaming, tears flooding her eyes. She’d flung herself on the bed, her hands clutching Dixie’s.

  “What the hell ...”

  “Shut up, Andrew. Just shut the fuck up,” Ruby wailed.

  Andrew watched then as Dixie comforted her friend, mouthing words he’d heard Ruby say to their children. His wife calmed almost immediately under Dixie’s gentle touch. He continued to watch as the Yorkie licked her tears. He was seeing something here he’d never seen before, something he knew he would never experience no matter how hard he tried. True, loving, devoted friendship. The kind that comes along once in a lifetime.

  “Now, Andrew, you can speak,” Ruby said, sliding off the bed.

  “Ah, the man from the drugstore dropped off Dixie’s prescription.”

  “Would you please fetch it?” Ruby said calmly.

  “Sure. I just made coffee, can I bring you some?”

  “Yes, coffee would be nice. Dixie?”

  “Thank you, but just half a cup.”

  “Dixie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to go off on you like that.”

  “It’s okay, Ruby. You feel better now, don’t you?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “To answer your question, since God isn’t here to answer it for you, it’s my time, Ruby.”

  “I know,” Ruby said, biting down on her lip.

  “I made a decision today,” Dixie said. “I decided that it’s okay to have a place, but there are ... certain conditions. Promise me you’ll give me a hell of a sendoff.”

  “The biggest and the best,” Ruby said. “Are you agreeing to this because of me? If so, don’t, Dixie. I can handle it.”

  “No, not for you, Ruby,” Dixie lied. “For me.”

  “Okay, but just so you know I can handle it,” Ruby lied in return.

  “All the big things are settled, then,” Dixie said tiredly.

  “I think so. Okay, open up, here’s your new pill. Easy now, just a little sip.”

  Dixie fell back against the pillows. “Ruby, tell me again about Biddy and Mikey and the preserve you had built. I think that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard. You should do one in New Jersey, maybe down by the pine barrens. It’s your way of giving back, isn’t it? I’d like to contribute if you do. Why don’t you decide now so I can sign ... you know, while I still can.”

  “You got it. Andy should be finished with his skating-rink project in January. I’ll get him started on it right away. I think I’m his best client.” Ruby could deny nothing to this woman she called her friend.

  “Tell me about Biddy and Mikey,” Dixie said.

  “Well, it was like this ...”

  A new routine was established in the Blue farmhouse the day after Dixie’s arrival. It was Andrew’s job to walk and feed the animals. He prepared sketchy meals for himself and Ruby and even dusted and wet-mopped the kitchen floor. Ruby’s duties consisted of caring for Dixie, changing her bedlinens, washing her, combing her hair, changing her oversize diaper, and singing lullabies that made her friend smile.

  Ruby sat in a deep, comfortable chair that Andrew had carried upstairs. She talked constantly while she held Dixie’s hot, dry hand. Her monologues started with her earliest memory and worked forward. She spared herself not at all. Often Andrew found himself listening before entering the room with coffee or a cup of tea. More than once he walked downstairs with tears of frustration in his eyes. He worked out that frustration with the wet mop and the dustcloth. He broke so many dishes, he went into town to buy a new set.

  Ruby’s devotion was total, all-consuming.

  Christmas and the New Year passed quietly. Dixie grew weaker, until she was unable to lift her head from the pillow. On the tenth day of the new year, with Ruby holding one of her hands and the old local country doctor holding the other, Dixie Sinclaire took her final breath.

  Ruby walked dry-eyed down the stairs to her kitchen, Andrew’s arm around her shoulder.

  “Let me make the arrangements, Ruby.”

  “I have to do it, Andrew. Thanks for offering, though.”

  “Are you okay?”
<
br />   Was she? Would she ever be okay again? Yes, in time. “She didn’t deserve the heartache she suffered. I contributed to that, and for the rest of my life I will carry that around with me. She is ... was a better person than I’ll ever be. I’m going to miss her, Andrew. She told me to bury her here in Pennsylvania so it would be easier for me to ... visit. I will, too.”

  “I know you will, Ruby,” Andrew said, hugging her.

  The Oliverie and Son Funeral Home was a two-story, pale-pink brick edifice with four white columns supporting a stark white portico. Small circular flowerbeds, barren now, dotted the half-acre of frontage along with beds of holly and shrubbery which looked as if it were pruned and clipped with manicure scissors.

  Two hearses, one white and one black, sat in the driveway.

  Ruby’s movements were like an old woman’s when she climbed from the Range Rover. Andrew stumbled behind her. Together they made their way to the gleaming white door. The interior was cool and dim. She was aware of dark colors, somber colors, dull-looking brass, and the sickening scent of flowers. Music of some sort was playing softly in the background. Maybe it wasn’t music. Chirping birds and the sound of a waterfall wasn’t really music. Paradise. Eternity. It was a crock.

  A woman dressed in a three-piece suit was sitting at the neat- .est desk Ruby ever saw. She rose to greet them. She looked, Ruby thought, like one of Oliverie’s customers, with her waxy makeup and round circles of rouge. She smiled a greeting that barely stretched her facial muscles.

  “I’m Ruby Blue.”

  “Yes, of course you are. We’ve been waiting for you. Follow me, please. She turned smartly, the skirt of her gray suit fussing about her knees. It hiked a little. Ruby fought the urge to bolt and run.