That apparently wasn't enough for Greg. "It's not just the looks of it. Or the colors. What do you think of the copy? One of my ad people thought it was too formal and not friendly enough."
She couldn't read the paragraphs under the photos. Normally she could pick out a word or two. But when she was stressed, letters just ran together and blurred, almost dancing on the page. She couldn't even begin to do this. She shouldn't have even started.
Up until now, she and Ben had spent most of their time outside. Comfortable everywhere on the ranch, she knew what the signs said. She could recognize the feed labels. The medicine for the animals was arranged in the cabinet a certain way so she knew exactly which bottle was which. Here in the house with papers and text in front of her, she felt humiliated and inadequate, dysfunctional and backward—all the terrible feelings that had plagued her during her whole life until she'd come to live at Twin Pines. Now she realized she'd begun a relationship with Ben under false pretenses, and that had been wrong.
Ben and Greg were staring at her and she was starting to sweat. Suddenly she stood, said, "I think I'm feeling a little queasy. I'm going to get some fresh air." Before either of the men could make a comment, she fled the room, ran through the kitchen and out the back door.
She'd only reached the porch when she heard the storm door open and close behind her. Then Ben was clasping her shoulder, keeping her from galloping down the steps away from him.
His voice was deep and vibrating in the dark night. "You can't read, can you?"
Whether he meant it to be or not, his question sounded like an accusation. His words were a judgment of who she was, what she did, and how she did it. She remained silent, regretting the fact she had to face him, knowing she couldn't run to the barn and hide.
"I finally put it all together in there. You depend on Loren for all the computer work. You didn't even want to think about learning a new program, even though it would have made your bookwork so much easier. You let him handle the mail, which I thought was odd. Your office is bare except for the documents Loren works with. Maybe you page through decorating magazines, but there's not another scrap of reading material anywhere. Cassie, why didn't you tell me?"
Ben sounded a little outraged, shocked, maybe even betrayed. She wasn't sure which one of them to address. All of them had to do with his reaction, not how she was feeling at being discovered, at being forced to admit her failings. She felt hurt he hadn't asked how it had happened...how she'd survived...how she handled daily life. She was hurt he didn't care about her embarrassment in front of his colleague or how she'd handle Julie when his little girl found out her secret. Most of all, she was hurt she'd made herself vulnerable to him by loving him and yet she didn't know how he felt in return.
Hearing the edge of exasperation, anger, and disbelief in his voice, she felt as if the bottom had dropped out of her world. Maybe not the bottom...just the new dreams.
"I slipped through the cracks," she explained, wanting to answer his question, yet knowing he couldn't understand unless he knew her history. "I went to kindergarten shortly after mom died and I couldn't concentrate on much, I guess. I was in the group home then. I always loved pictures but I could never figure out words. The teachers just thought I was slow—at least, that's how they labeled me. They put me on the bottom of their list and didn't spend much time with me. One year passed into the next. One foster home passed into another. The people I stayed with didn't care if I got my homework done. I threw away the notes teachers sent home. After all, I didn't want to get into trouble. What did it matter anyway? By the time I reached high school, I was truant. The thing was...nobody seemed to see...or to care."
One thing she'd always liked about Ben was his perception where she was concerned. But now she wasn't so sure about that as he asked more gently, "So what happened to change your life? Obviously something did."
All her life she'd felt that something was wrong with her...that she should have figured out how to get her feet under her sooner. But she hadn't, and she knew she had to tell him the rest. "The last foster home I was in...well, the husband was creepy. The couple didn't have kids. They mainly took me in so I could do everything they didn't want to do—cleaning, cooking mostly frozen meals, yard work. They both worked. The wife worked more hours than her husband and sometimes didn't get home until very late."
Stopping, she just wanted to skip the rest. But that's what had sent her here. "I'd stick dinner in the microwave and have it with Mr. Cromwell when I couldn't escape to my room. As the days went by, he started getting a little...too friendly. I began locking my door at night. One night after supper, he made a pass. I ran out. Then I circled back, hot-wired his car, and took off out of Laramie. I didn't know exactly where I was headed or how far I'd get. I was going to ditch the car in Cheyenne and figure out what to do from there. But the roads were icy that night. Outside of Cheyenne, I was in an accident—a pretty serious one. Social workers got involved. And then Tina Christopher stepped in like the fairy godmother I'd never had...like the guardian angel I'd always needed. Somehow she got any charges against me dropped. My guess is that she threatened to go public with what had happened. I don't know. I only know that once she brought me to Twin Pines, it felt like home. When I met her, I looked into her eyes and I knew she was a kind person. I knew I'd finally found someone with the same qualities my mom had. Tina told me if I worked hard, I could become anything I wanted. But all I wanted was her approval. All I wanted was to learn about and take care of her horses, the cattle and the ranch. I learned so much more."
"Cassie, I'm so sorry."
Yes, he was. She could see that. But she could also see something she didn't want to see in Ben's eyes—pity. He pitied her! That was worse than anger or disapproval. She didn't want pity, especially not from him. She'd survived, found a life and was doing just fine.
He looked as if he wanted to comfort her in some way...to make up for all she'd gone through. But only one thing could do that. She needed to see respect back in his eyes. She needed him to still see her as an equal.
When he asked, "Tina knew you couldn't read?" Cassie realized he didn't.
"It didn't take Tina long to figure it out. But she said I had to want a high school diploma. I had to want to figure out how words made sense. I didn't need to do that here."
"I understand why she let you be. But especially after she died— You might have escaped juvie, but you've created a closed world for yourself here. Why wouldn't you want to learn to read?"
How could she make him understand? "A deaf person who's never heard music doesn't know what he's missing. A blind person who's never seen color, doesn't miss it. I had what I'd been searching for after my mother died—a safe place and people who cared about me. Why would I need more?"
She couldn't decipher Ben's expression. Under the glow of the porch light she could see the nerve in his jaw work and she understood he was trying to figure out how to convince her to change her life. He'd be disappointed in her if she didn't.
How could a man like Ben O'Donnell ever have feelings for a cowgirl who had never graduated from high school? Who couldn't put letters together to form words? Who didn't care about life beyond this ranch?
All she could think to say was, "You'll never understand."
She couldn't look at him anymore...and wish everything had been different...see the death of even more dreams. A sense of loneliness and isolation fell on her again. Those were feelings that hadn't haunted her for so long.
Spinning away from him, she ran down the porch steps and across the lane to the barn. She didn't look back when he called her name.
Chapter Twelve
As Ben drove Greg to the airport, neither man had anything to say. At least that’s what Ben thought until Greg commented casually, "So there’s something going on with you and Cassie?"
Ben cut him a glance but didn’t respond.
"It’s about time."
Knowing he needed to cut this conversation short, he sa
id, "I’m not over my divorce. It’s still too soon—"
"To move on? To make a new life, a different life for you and Julie?"
After a moment of quiet, Ben said tersely, "It’s because of Julie I can’t just jump into anything."
"Julie seems attached to Cassie."
"That’s why we have to leave. I made that decision last night?"
"Because Cassie can’t read?"
Last night Ben had handled everything all wrong. But he’d been shocked by Cassie’s revelation. He’d also felt foolish that he hadn’t caught on sooner. Wrapped up in the chemistry between them, he’d been blind to everything else. Except how Cassie and Julie had bonded. Still... Why hadn’t Cassie trusted him enough to tell him? As intimate as they’d been...as passionate...as vulnerable. At least he’d felt vulnerable.
"No, not because Cassie can’t read," he answered tersely, feeling as if his decision to leave was the wrong one, yet not knowing what else to do. "It’s just time, that’s all. My life and work are in Vermont!"
"You haven’t thought about changing that?"
"Not for a woman who keeps secrets," he blurted out, giving Greg the real root of the problem. "Melinda kept secrets and look where that got us. If I had known she was as driven as she was, that nothing would get in her way, not even her daughter, I never would have married her." The bitterness and resentment he hid for Julie's sake still gnawed at him.
Greg waited a beat before asking, "What secrets did she keep?"
Never telling anyone, because telling would make him feel more of a failure, he finally admitted, "Before she left, she spilled everything. She told me she’d been unhappy for years. She admitted connecting with other men at work, telling me she was working late when she was having drinks with them or God knows what else, believing she was never meant to be a mother, convincing me our marriage had been a sham. Oh, I knew she’d pulled away. I knew sex was..." He gripped the steering wheel tighter. "A duty for both of us."
He studied the road ahead with more concentration that was necessary. "So why would I ever want to think about getting married again?"
"I didn’t say anything about marriage," Greg reminded him. "I just said you should move on." He paused. "But you are the marrying kind. You’re a one-woman man."
"I’ve had enough of this conversation," he muttered.
"Do you care about Cassie?"
Apparently he'd had enough, but his friend hadn't. "I’m confused about Cassie. We got close, Greg. So how could she have kept so much hidden from me?" There was pain in his voice and this time, he didn’t care if Greg heard it.
A stretch of road peeled by.
"You’re right," Greg finally responded. "Melinda kept secrets. It sounds as if she was dishonest about a lot. But do you think Cassie’s dishonest? Or do you think she was just afraid your reaction would be exactly what it was? My guess is she’s known a lot of rejection and felt even more judgment."
If Greg was right, that wasn’t something he could fix now. If what he’d said had hurt Cassie deeply, she’d never forgive him. It was a mess the whole way around. And the only way he knew of keeping Julie safe from getting hurt was to leave before she bonded even more deeply with Cassie.
***
All Ben could think about as he drove back to Twin Pines was that he and Julie had to leave quickly. This trip had done them both a world of good. But now it was time to go home. Except the idea of going home felt...empty.
It didn’t take much of a search for him to find Cassie and Julie in a corner of the barn, sitting on bales of hay. Both had a napping cat on their laps. They were talking and, out of sight, he stopped to listen.
"Somebody could teach you how to figure out letters and numbers," Julie was telling Cassie, a most serious expression on her face. "There are good teachers at my school."
Apparently Cassie had revealed her problem to Julie and they were discussing it.
He watched as Cassie laid a gentle hand on Julie’s head and stroked her hair. "I don’t know, honey. Since I’m older, it might be a lot harder for me to learn."
With a frown, Julie thought about that. "You sometimes teach older horses new things, don’t you?"
"Sometimes. But habits are hard to break."
"But you could try to learn, couldn’t you?"
Deciding this conversation was too personal for him to be eavesdropping on, Ben rustled his boot against a hay bale and both Julie and Cassie looked up.
He smiled at his daughter, though it was the last thing he felt like doing. "Honey, can you check to see if the water trough is filled?"
"Okay. If it isn't I'll turn on the spigot for a little while. C’mon, Tiger, you come with me," she said to the cat. As Julie scampered across the barn to the door, the yellow tabby followed her.
Rising from the bale, Cassie approached Ben, looking wary. "Greg’s on his way back?"
"Yes. And..." There was no easy way to say it. "I think it would be a good idea if Julie and I left, too. While I was at the airport, I made reservations for us for tomorrow."
"Tomorrow? That soon?"
"I think it’s best, don’t you?"
The yellow tabby ran down the walkway toward them and jumped up onto a stall gate. Ignoring the cat, Ben felt an ache in his chest that he attributed to lack of sleep, chopping wood, anything but the emotions swirling inside him.
Cassie looked dismayed for a moment. But then her chin went up, her eyes grew flat, and she said in a cool voice, "You have to do what’s best for you. If that's leaving, then leave. I knew you would. After all, you have a life in Vermont."
He took a step closer to her. "Cassie—"
She crossed her arms over her chest. "You don’t have to say anything else. I understand why you want to take Julie home sooner rather than later."
Although Cassie was acting as if she didn't care, he wondered if she really didn't. Had the time they'd spent together mattered to her? He suddenly realized how much it had mattered to him. Still, he couldn't give in to something so new, to something that might bring a repeat of the heartache he'd experienced in his marriage. "I have to get Julie settled back in Vermont before school starts again. She needs stability and routine and everyday life."
"I thought that’s what you were trying to escape," Cassie said matter-of-factly. "She was unhappy in your routine, wasn’t she?"
Cassie's challenge made him defensive. "She was unhappy because her mother left and didn’t want her."
"That hasn’t changed."
"No. But I think we’ve both gotten a better perspective on all of it."
"Really? Do you know she’s afraid to go to your ex-wife’s house? She’s afraid Melinda won’t want her. She’s afraid when she gets back you might not be there."
"When did she tell you that?"
"Look, Ben. She told me a lot of things, things she should be telling you. Maybe she doesn’t because she’s afraid you’ll disapprove."
"What else hasn’t she told me?" Cassie was hinting around at something and she might as well tell him whatever it was.
But she answered, "Nothing important. Just something she needs to get off her chest. We all keep secrets, Ben. We do it to protect ourselves from getting hurt. "
Suddenly a loud male voice sailed through an open stall door. "Cassie! Ben! Come quick. Julie opened the gate, took Buttercup over to the fence and climbed on before I knew what she was up to. She rode off toward the north pasture. The stream's over that way and you know how Buttercup likes to go sloshing through—"
"She’s never going to be able to stay on without a saddle," Ben said, rushing outside with Cassie.
"She rode bareback for a little the other day," she reminded him. "She might be okay."
Ben had okayed that ride around the corral, knowing Cassie would never let his daughter fall. But Julie doing it on her own...
Cassie didn’t hesitate to cluck to a chestnut in the corral. She grabbed the horse’s lead and hiked herself onto his back. "Saddle up with Loren," she calle
d to Ben. "Loren knows where Buttercup likes to go."
Ten minutes later, Ben's heart was in his throat as he urged his horse ahead of Loren's. He let instinct guide him as well as a plume of dust he glimpsed now and then from Cassie's horse. Mere minutes later, he pulled his horse up short.
Jumping from the saddle, he ran to Cassie and Julie who were huddled on the ground. Buttercup was standing in the stream, nosing the grass along the edge.
He dropped to the ground beside Julie. "Are you hurt?"
She was holding her arm and tears were flowing down her cheeks. "I don't want to go home, Daddy! I don't want to."
"She fell off when Buttercup veered toward the stream," Cassie explained. "From what I can tell, she chased Tiger into the barn, hoping to carry her back out and shut the door. But she heard us talking."
Apparently Julie had overheard that he'd booked tickets to fly home. But again she'd told Cassie what had happened. His daughter was staring up at him as if he'd disapprove of her again. Had his concern for her been coming across as disapproval? Was that possible?
Settling on the ground beside her, he asked gently, "Does anything besides your arm hurt?"
Julie shook her head.
He tenderly brushed dust from her cheek. "Can you tell me why you rode away?"
Staring up at him with huge green eyes, she said with a certainty that broke his heart, "You'll be mad."
With a cold splash of reality, he realized he needed a lighter touch with Julie. Building his company from scratch, he'd become matter-of-fact, stoic, even hard at times when he had to make tough decisions, negotiate contracts, fire employees who weren't towing the line. Maybe too much of that had spilled over into his personal life. Maybe walking in someone else's shoes had become foreign to him. Maybe his divorce had added protective armor that had prevented more pain but had also prevented him from really communicating with Julie.
Cupping her chin, he said quietly but firmly, "I won't be mad. I promise."
She still hesitated but finally revealed, "I thought I could ride away and hide. If you couldn't find me, then we'd miss our plane tomorrow and we could stay longer." She glanced at Cassie. "You want us to stay longer, don't you?"
Cassidy's Cowboy (Search For Love) Page 11