Hard Choices

by Ellson, Theresa

“Oh man! Really? Robert already rejected him?

  “Nope. Hired him on the spot.”

  “WHAT?!?”

  “Jesus, Molly! My eardrum!”

  “Hired him on the spot? Did he consult you at all? Robert has never done that. He deliberates for days, sometimes weeks, before he hires someone.”

  “I know, but the kid’s got great references.”

  “Crap! My next class is starting. OK, Primativo tonight. Your house. Six. I. want. details!” Molly hung up as I sat there chuckling. She and Robert could not be more different – which was probably why they’d always been so close.

  I was already looking forward to sharing all the details of my day with her. I shook my head and saw, out of the corner of my eye, a new email in my inbox.

  The subject line said: “I can’t wait after all.” Return address was sellers.aaron. He’d already pulled my email off the business card Robert had given him. He must have been emailing me from his phone. Intrigued, I clicked on it.

  Lyssa,

  I have to get back down to school tonight. But I can’t stop thinking about those long legs of yours, and that million-dollar smile. If I come up this weekend, will you let me take you out?

  --Aa

  I stared at the computer. If he was playing me, he was doing a damn good job. I was hooked. But I… I just wasn’t ready. I typed and re-typed an email back, deleting and starting over about six times. I couldn’t think how to explain things to him. Finally, I relied on the easiest thing: the truth.

  Aaron,

  You asked me if I was single, but I never really answered. I just got divorced from my husband of 22 years. He moved out 2 months ago. Very suddenly. Found his true love, apparently.

  If I said I wasn’t interested in “celebrating” with you, I’d be lying [I hoped he remembered that part of our conversation], but this weekend is just too soon for me. I hope you understand. I look forward to seeing you again.

  --Lyssa

  Less than five minutes after I hit Send, I had a reply in my inbox.

  He left you for another woman?!? Sounds like a complete idiot. He clearly does not deserve you. I do understand. I look forward to seeing you again. Can I email you again?

  --Aa

  My reply was immediate.

  Yes.

  I smiled to myself and tried to get some work done.

  ***

  Robert had been busy all day, so we’d never talked again after our morning meeting with Aaron – who, I had decided, was the Universe’s karmic gift for me being such an adult in the way I’d ended my marriage. Even if nothing ever happened after today, I had thoroughly enjoyed his attentions.

  I finished up for the day, and went to log off… but I doubIe-checked my inbox first. There was one more email from Mr. Sellers:

  I’ll be coming up for the weekend at some point before school gets out and I start my new job. I say we celebrate early.

  Heat suffused my body as I typed out my answer.

  We’ll see. If you’re good.

  I hit send before I could talk myself out of it. Shaking my head at my own brazenness, I logged off and headed home.

  I walked into my house and headed straight into my bedroom to change into something more comfortable. Tossing my blazer on my new bed, I looked at myself in the floor-to-ceiling mirrors that were my closet doors. I turned this way and that, examining myself in the mirror. I did look good. Damn good. I’d always been more curvy than lean, even at my trimmest. But I’d decided long ago to stop obsessing over “that last ten pounds.” J.J. had once told me, emphatically, that a woman comfortable in her skin was the sexiest thing to a man. I’d taken the compliment for what it was – a male friend complimenting a female friend. Having men who were truly just friends had been a revelation for me. It was one of the nicest things about getting a little older, a little more mature. I wondered if I was mature enough to take this thing with Aaron all the way.

  I slipped into some comfy clothes and headed into the kitchen to grab some wine glasses when I heard a knock on the door.

  “Come in!” I called.

  “Can’t! It’s locked!” Molly called back.

  I ran down the half-staircase to let Molly in. “Sorry! I started locking the door.”

  She shrugged. “I don’t blame you. It’s a big house, and you’re all alone here. Look! Our favorite!” she held up the wine bottle and headed up the stairs.

  “Actually, the real reason I started locking it was that I was sick of Kyle bursting in!” I said as I followed her. “Scott hasn’t been by since that last time, but Kyle doesn’t even knock. What if I’m taking a bath? What if Big Ed and I have a date?” Molly guffawed. “I mean, a girl needs her privacy, you know?”

  “I do know, honey! Why do you think J.J. and I have never moved in together?”

  “Because he’d be jealous of your Big Ed?” I said deadpan.

  “Ha! No! Because I like to pee with the door open sometimes!” We both laughed as she headed into the kitchen for a wine opener. “All right. Enough stalling. Sit. DISH!” She commanded. I laughed, and started to fill her in on the day. Her commentary had me laughing even as I felt flushed and excited recounting my morning with Aaron:

  “Wait – so you walked into him? Smooth, Lyssa. Very smooth.”

  “He said, ‘Don’t be long’ right in front of Robert? Ballsy. I like it.”

  “He just… looked at you? That’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Holy shit! How did you not go weak in the knees when he leaned into you like that?”

  And finally, “Oh holy hell. He wants to email you? Please, I’m begging you – forward them on to me!”

  “Molly! No! Of course I’m not showing them to you! What is this, high school?”

  “Come on!” she pleaded, but I knew she was kidding. “Fine! So when does he start? June? That’s three months away! I need to buy you a case of batteries for Big Ed,” she leered at me.

  “No kidding,” I sighed. “Oh my god, Molly. He is so beautiful! I don’t even think I’d know what to do with him.”

  “Trust me,” Molly held up a hand, “you will figure it out. In fact, I’m fairly sure that boy will teach you a few things.”

  “God, I hope so,” I murmured.

  Molly and I had no secrets. She knew my sex life with Scott had gone from hum-drum to non-existent. She knew Big Ed got a regular workout. And she knew me well enough to know that I was truly nervous in these untested waters.

  “Lyssa, look at me.” She commanded. I did. “You are an amazing woman. You are sexy and fun and smart. Sure, Aaron’s a player – but he’s a gorgeous player. And he’s interested in you. Hello! If you don’t believe me that you’re attractive, will you believe him?”

  I wrapped my arms around myself. “I know this sounds insanely insecure, Molly, but there’s a part of me that thinks he’s just playing me. I don’t know why.”

  “Who cares!?” Molly bellowed. “He probably is! He probably just wants to use you for sex! How awesome is that?”

  I felt my jaw drop open. Molly was right. He just wanted sex? Great! I could use some. God knows it had been too long – and god knows I wasn’t interested in anything else. But I was still anxious.

  “I just don’t know the rules here, Molly,” I said uncertainly.

  “The rules are, there are no rules. You make them up as you go along. You’ll figure it out. People do this all the time. No one will get hurt. You’re single. He’s single. He never needs to meet your kids or come to Thanksgiving – “

  “Oh dear god – my kids! What will they think?”

  “How will they even know?” Molly asked quietly.

  “Because… they… I mean…” I stammered.

  “Lyssa, before I started back to school, I had a bopping buddy, as I called him. He and I got together every Tuesday night for about an hour after my shift was done. He never met Jared. He never met Robert or Alan. He was a single dad who also couldn’t be bothered dealing with datin
g. I never met his kids, either. It was great sex, and we were friends. We really enjoyed each other’s company, and we made an agreement not to see other people. I mean, if he’d been dipping his wick all over town...” she shuddered, “Gross. But it was a fantastic arrangement. Scratched an itch for both of us without adding any drama or baggage to our lives.”

  “What happened? And how come you never told me this before!” I wasn’t at all shocked that Molly had had a boyfriend like that, but I was surprised she’d kept it a secret.

  She shrugged. “I didn’t deliberately keep it from you. It just wasn’t important. He moved away, and we ended it on good terms. We didn’t even keep in touch.”

  “Was it… was it weird if you ran into him somewhere?”

  “No. Not at all. Like I said, we were both single, so it wasn’t like we had something to hide. We weren’t doing anything wrong,” she shrugged. “It was… nice. No strings, no commitments, no obligations. I already had a family: Jared, Robert and Alan. I saw no reason to try to bring anyone else into the mix. And,” she looked at me pointedly, “the sex was fantastic! Jared’s sperm donor [we never referred to him as Jared’s father – he hadn’t earned it] was the only other guy I’d been with at that point – and god knows that douchebag had no clue what to do with a woman. I had no idea sex could be so… uninhibited. So much fun! J.J. owes that guy a debt of gratitude, let me tell you!”

  I took that in, and was silent and thoughtful for a moment. Then I relived Aaron and my last handshake and felt a thrill of excitement course through my body again. “Great sex with a billboard model. Yeah, I think I can give this a shot!”

  “That’s the spirit! To Lyssa!” Molly held her wine glass aloft. “May Big Ed get a much-needed vacation as she releases her inner cougar! Rarrr!”

  We laughed and clinked glasses, and I tried to tell myself that yes, this really was OK.

  Chapter 6

  As the weeks went by, it was clear: Aaron was on a mission. He didn’t mess around. His emails were short, sweet, and tantalizing.

  He started with friendly, first-date-type questions like, “What’s your favorite restaurant in town?” and “Have you seen that new movie?” that quickly gave way to: “What are you wearing right now?” He’d started asking me that every day. At first, my answers were short and unoriginal; he’d ask what I was wearing, and I’d say something boring like, “Black pants.” I just didn’t know what to say! But it didn’t take long for Aaron to teach me my first lesson in email sex.

  What are you wearing today?

  My favorite red suit.

  Is it as hot on you as that red dress you were wearing when we met? Only problem with that dress: it was way too long. I want to see the rest of those legs.

  Play your cards right, and you’ll see my legs all the way up.

  Oh my god, you are killing me.

  On another day, I started our text conversation:

  You know the problem with you in a men’s suit coat? It’s really hard to see your ass. I got a hint that it was spectacular, but just a hint. I’m looking forward to a better view.

  Why just look? I do not have a “look but don’t touch policy.” I really hope you don’t either.

  I knew what he was getting at: all this online flirting was great. But when the time came, and we actually saw each other again, he wanted to know if I was going to chicken out. I didn’t know either.

  After a few days, he asked again:

  What are you wearing?

  This was after about six weeks of flirty emails. I don’t know if it was the phase of the moon, or warm spring weather, but I finally got creative.

  I’m wearing a short, black skirt. No one can tell, but underneath it, I’m not wearing anything.

  I don’t know what got into me. I felt like I was coming out of a cocoon. All those years of being staid and safe. This guy made me feel sexy. I don’t think I’d ever really felt sexy. I’d had kids when I was barely out of my teens, and then spent years in a decent, but sexually unimaginative marriage. I found myself thinking of things I’d like to do to Aaron, things that would have freaked Scott out. Hell, everything had freaked Scott out. He accidentally found Big Ed a few years ago, and I had just shrugged helplessly and told him the truth: a girl has needs.

  Now I was dreaming about Aaron, and waking up moaning.

  Plus, emails felt so… safe. I mean, what was the harm in online flirting, right? And so compartmentalized. The only person who knew what was going on was Molly. Or so I thought.

  Right after I sent the email announcing to Aaron that I wasn’t wearing any panties (even though I was), Robert asked me into his office. He sat on the couch and gave me his, “Get comfortable” gesture. I plopped into his wingback chair and propped my feet up on his coffee table.

  “Oh, thanks!” I sighed. “My boss is a slave-driver! I could really use a break!”

  “Very funny, smart-ass,” he shook his head at me. Robert shifted a little uncomfortably in his seat. “Lyssa, I have a weird question for you. I got our spam report, and I happened to notice that there were emails from an account that probably belongs to Aaron Sellers, which were sent to you,” he said slowly.

  I felt the blood drain from my face. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. I loved Robert, and considered him one of my best friends, but I didn’t want anyone seeing those emails! Despite Molly’s pleading, I had not forwarded them on to her. I must have looked horrified because he said quickly, “I didn’t read them! It was just that once I saw a couple, I checked our overall email traffic and noticed that you and he had exchanged several emails a day.” I felt the blood rush back to my face as I blushed the deepest shade of red that was humanly possible.

  “I… uhhhh,” I stuttered.

  Robert looked even more uncomfortable. “Lyssa, relax. All I want to know is if you want his attentions. If he’s harassing you via email, I will rescind our job offer to him.”

  His protectiveness touched me deeply. I put my feet down, leaned forward, and took his hand. “You are the sweetest man, do you know that?” I felt his concern like a warm blanket of love around me. “I love you, you know. And I love that you worried about me.”

  “I love you, too, Lyssa,” he said quietly. “You know that. So I take it Mr. Sellers’s attentions are invited by you?”

  “Hells YES!” I said in my most fabulous voice.

  He shook his head. “You know, a lot of women, after coming out a marriage that took up their twenties and thirties, would be a little reticent. I should have known you would come out swinging. Or prowling, as the case may be,” he said wryly. I laughed. “I would tell you to be careful, but I know you’re too smart for that. I don’t have to worry about you falling in love and running off with some idiot.”

  “Nooo,” I said emphatically. “You do not. I won’t run off with him… but can I play with him? Please? Just for a little while!” I held my hands together, pretending to beg.

  Robert shrugged. “He won’t be working for you, so what two consenting adults from this office do is none of my business,” he held up his hands in a position of surrender. “And I can’t see how any woman could possibly resist that,” he said, shaking his head.

  Now I really laughed. “OK, Robert. ‘Fess up: he charmed the crap out of you, with all his earnest talk, didn’t he? You would have hired him on the spot no matter what his references were!”

  “Pish. He’s not that gorgeous. But I never got to tell you that I talked to some of his professors before the interview. Apparently, he’s just as smart as he is pretty.”

  I whistled and nodded, “Good to know. Of course, he has excellent taste in older women, so he’s clearly a genius!”

  We both laughed, but then Robert said, “Come on – you ‘fess up. Isn’t a little scary to think about dating after all these years? If, god forbid, I found myself suddenly single… I don’t think I could dive back into that pool so fast.”

  “Meh. It’s just emails. I’m not so much diving in as I am dippin
g my toe.” I thought for a second. “Honestly, Robert, if I stop to overthink it, I’m sure I will terrify myself out of enjoying it. I’ve been so careful and methodical all these years. I was always so focused on the kids, or school, or my work. Everything is finally settled in my life. I’m ready to have some fun!”

  “Atta girl,” he cheered, sounding just like Molly. “Sadly, I won’t be privy to your tales of fun. If you and Aaron do move this thing along, please do not share details with me. I have to sit at a conference table with this man. I do not want to be thinking about his enormous schlong when we’re talking to clients.”

  My jaw dropped. Robert was always so proper; it was always Alan, Molly and me being total idiots. Finally, I burst out laughing. “Oh my god, Robert, did you just say that out loud!?”

  He laughed too, but said, “I’m serious. I know you’ll fill in Molly and Alan, but keep me out of it. I am his boss. It would be more than inappropriate.”

  I smiled at my friend. “Deal,” I said. “OK,” I stood up, “By the time he starts, who knows? Maybe our interest will have run its course by then,” I shrugged.

  “I hope not,” Robert said standing up, “you deserve some good sex.”

  “Robert! You are in a shocking mood!” I said in fake prissy British accent.

  “Enjoy yourself, Lyssa,” he smiled as I walked out his door.

  I grinned and winked at him as I left his office.

  Wow. Even proper, particular Robert was telling me to have some fun with this kid. No one ever had to know. Not my co-workers. Not my kids. It could really happen: I could have a torrid affair with him, just for the hell of it. No strings. No complications. No obligations. Just… fun. This was a revelation to me.

  I said down at my desk and saw that I had a new email: