Hard Choices

by Ellson, Theresa

  “So you ended it?” Matthew asked quietly.

  “No, actually,” I looked up at Matthew, smiling bemusedly. “He walked out, if you can believe it! Our youngest graduated from high school last year, and a month later he went off to the Coast Guard. Right after the holidays, last January, Scott sprung it on me: he was in love with another woman,” I shrugged. “I wasn’t even mad, which was weird. I just… didn’t care. I read somewhere that the true death knell of a relationship is indifference. Apathy. We had definitely reached that point. I mean, Scott did not want to intentionally hurt me; he’s not cruel. We just really didn’t care whether each other was happy anymore, you know?”

  Matthew was quiet for a minute. “When Amanda left, it was like a sucker punch. I walked around for about six months feeling like I’d had the wind knocked out of me.”

  I didn’t know what to say. “I’m… I’m so sorry, Matthew.”

  “It was a long time ago,” he took a deep breath.

  “Why didn’t you ever remarry?” I asked. “I know I’m being nosy, but… well, while we’re spilling secrets here…”

  He laughed and ran his hands through his hair. “I came close once. But I just needed to focus on Audrey. I couldn’t do that to her, you know? She had two stable parent figures in her life – me and my mom. I couldn’t ask her to adjust to another adult telling her what to do. She was about twelve at that point. It seemed like a recipe for failure,” he shook his head. “After my almost-engagement ended, I never introduced anyone else to Audrey. I told women flat-out, I wasn’t interested in anything serious. I had a great relationship like that that lasted for more than six years.”

  “What happened?”

  He shrugged. “She hit the point where she was ready to get married and have kids. And she did. She married a great guy. We’re all still friends.”

  “Wow,” I said, surprised, “That’s very… progressive of you.”

  He laughed. “I loved her. I still love her. But I wasn’t in love with her. Nor was she with me. She was focused on her career, too – which she gave up to be a stay-at-home mom. I’d thought she’d go nuts, but she’s happy.”

  “I can understand that – just wanting something easy for a relationship,” I said thoughtfully.

  “I’m kind of past that now,” he said quietly, “not wanting anything serious.”

  I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. “Really? It sounds great. No commitments, no ties, no obligations…”

  “Obligations aren’t always a bad thing.”

  I shrugged. “I spent twenty-two years feeling obligated. I guess I’m still enjoying my freedom,” I said hoping we’d steered clear of that iceberg. “Maybe in another twenty-two years, I’ll be ready for a commitment again!”

  He looked at me searchingly, and I felt trapped in those warm, green pools; I couldn’t look away. “Well, it’s late,” I said suddenly. “I have to get to work tomorrow,” I said, opening the car door. “Thank you for the ride, Matthew, and for being such a gentleman.”

  “But I’m not even walking you to your door.”

  “No, but you listened to me and respected my wishes,” I said as I climbed out, “that, sir, is being a gentleman. Have a good night, Matthew. Goodbye,” I closed the door gently. I felt like that “goodbye” had been so final, but this guy honestly scared the hell out of me. He was gorgeous, respectful, smart… and way too good a listener – and he was tired of screwing around and wanted to settle down. I needed to run in the other direction as fast as humanly possible.

  ***

  Matthew watched Lyssa walk up the front porch, admiring the view. She had to be at least forty, he knew, though she looked much younger. But she had all the maturity and confidence that was so appealing in women closer to his age; he’d never understood why his contemporaries chased after much-younger girls. What the hell did they talk about? He could have talked with Lyssa all night. He wondered if he’d been too obvious that he was trying to keep the conversation going.

  There was something so… vital about her. He’d heard her singing as he was finishing up his solo dinner in the restaurant. She had a decent voice, but what had caught his attention was that she sounded like she was having so much fun. She’d kept laughing into the microphone, probably without even realizing it. He’d been drawn into the bar, feeling like he had to see the face that went with that infectious giggle.

  When he’d first seen her on the stage, he couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was lithe and fit, with beautiful wavy hair cascading down her back… but it was her smile that caught his attention. She was so full of joy. He couldn’t believe his luck that not only was there an old friend to introduce him to her, but then he’d gotten to drive her home. Such a perfect intro. And then he’d almost blown it.

  As he watched her walk away, though, he felt pretty sure he’d gotten back on track with her. Once she was inside and her porch light was out, he felt comfortable driving home. It had been contrary to all his instincts not to walk a woman to her door, but he needed to respect her boundaries after trampling all over them in the first place.

  He glanced down at his dashboard and debated whether or not it was too late to call Alan; he knew Alan would give him the scoop. So he took a chance and hit Call on Alan’s contact as he drove away.

  “Hellllllooo,” Alan trilled in to the phone. Matthew rolled his eyes, but smiled. “Why, Matthew! How nice to hear from you. What could you possibly be calling about at this late hour?”

  Matthew laughed but said, “All right, all right. You got me. Lyssa’s amazing. We had a great talk, so what do I… you know, what do you think I should do next?”

  Alan was quiet for a moment. When he answered, he spoke in his normal voice, sans any sarcasm or teasing. “Honestly, Matthew, at the moment, I’d say, take it slow with Lyssa. There are… there are some things going on in her life at the moment that… that might make jumping into something with her a little… weird for her.”

  Matthew frowned. “Yeah, she told me all about her divorce,” Matthew said slowly. “That was pretty recent – “

  “Really? When did she tell you that? Did you guys have coffee or something, after we all left?”

  “No, I drove her straight home. She made it very clear, though, that I would not be walking her to her door, or be invited in.”

  Alan started laughing. “God, I love that woman.” He sighed.

  Matthew smiled. “Yeah, she’s pretty great,” he said quietly. “Anyway, I drove her home and we sat in my car talking. Must have been, I don’t know, an hour?”

  “That’s great!” Alan said enthusiastically. “As first dates go, not bad, huh?”

  “I refuse to count that as a ‘date,’ Alan. When I take a woman out on a date, it at least involves dinner,” Matthew said dryly.

  “Whatever. But just… go slowly, Matthew.”

  Matthew sighed. “Well, I found out today that I finally got an offer on the Port Orchard house, so I am heading back over in a day or two. I need to pack it up and everything.” Matthew groaned. “That’ll take at least a week.” He paused. “Should I call her before I go?”

  “Yeah, sure. Did she give you her number?”

  Matthew suddenly stopped. “Oh my god, no. I forgot to ask. She didn’t offer, though. I forgot to even ask if I can call her.” Matthew exhaled sharply. “I am so out of practice! I am so bad at this!”

  Alan chuckled on the other end of the line. “Calm down, Tiger. This is not the end of the world.”

  “She’s really great, Alan. I don’t want to screw it up.”

  “She is really great, Matthew. Lyssa is also sane, and is not interested in any stupid dating games. What’s more, she is not going to sit around waiting for you to call. So stop panicking, and follow your instincts. I will text you her number.”

  Matthew bit his lip. “I don’t know, Alan. I already was too pushy by driving her home. Why don’t I let her ask you for my number? I don’t want to be some aggressive asshole, you know?”r />
  “Hmm. Good point, actually. Like I said, moving slow is probably better right now anyway.”

  “Not really my strong suit, but I will trust you.”

  “Trust me? What the hell do I know? I’m an old married man! I don’t know how you kids date these days!”

  Matthew laughed again. “Thanks, Alan. Listen, I am about to lose you behind a mountain, so I will talk to you later.”

  For the rest of his drive home, Matthew couldn’t get his mind off of Lyssa’s smile – and, when he was honest, how good she looked walking away from him. He definitely needed to figure out a way to get to know her better.

  Chapter 15

  “Oh my god, my head,” Molly moaned into the phone.

  “You’re not seriously expecting sympathy from me, are you?” I chuckled.

  “No,” Molly yawned. “I’m only rousing myself at the crack of ten to see how your night went.”

  “Went? My night went to bed, Molly,” I paused a beat. “Alone.”

  “Hmm. Interesting.”

  Part of me wanted to ask her about Matthew, wanted to know anything she knew about him. But he scared the living hell out of me. And I had three more nights with Aaron. Just three more.

  “Are you going to see Aaron tonight?”

  “That’s the plan,” I said smoothly.

  “Oh. OK.” Her tone was odd. Hesitant. Sort of wary.

  “Why, Molly?”

  “Lyssa, don’t take this the wrong way – I know you’re a big girl, and you can take care of yourself. I’m just… worried about you.”

  I sighed into my office phone. “Honey, that is totally valid. If our situations were reversed, I’d be worried about you.” I hesitated.

  “But mind my own business?” Molly asked.

  “No! Not at all! I just don’t have any platitudes for you. Look, we both know I will be all right. You really helped me work some things through last night. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. I think my biggest fear – that all the newfound things that I like about me would go away with Aaron – I think you helped me see that doesn’t have to be true. It’s still scary. I’m still sad to say goodbye to him, but it’s a season in my life that’s ending.”

  She was quiet for a moment. Then she said, “Sometimes you’re so mature and rational, it kind of pisses me off, you know that?”

  I laughed. “Not so much. All I can really think about is fucking that kid’s brains out for the next three nights.” Her bark of laughter probably hurt her head. “There, feel better?” I laughed.

  “Yes! OK, you, my dear friend, have a fan-fucking-tastic few days. I will talk to you Thursday!”

  “Let me call you, OK? I plan on taking Thursday off,” I said it with a leer in my voice, but really, I knew I’d need a day to recollect myself.

  “OK, sweetie. I love you, Lyssa, you know?”

  “I know. I love you, too.”

  I hung up and looked up to see Aaron standing in the door way to my office.

  “Wow, I’ve already been replaced? You have another secret lover?” he put his hand over his heart and pretended to be almost crying.

  Laughing, I said, “I was talking to Molly, you idiot,” I shook my head. “Come on in.”

  “I have no reason to be in your office,” he came in and closed the door, “I am bored, and I wanted to kiss you. But,” he turned around, “I see your blinds are still up. You still don’t trust me in your office, do you?”

  I smiled at him. “Nope,” I said quietly. “I don’t. But mostly, I don’t trust me with you in my office. Do you have any idea how well you wear a suit?” I leaned forward in my chair. “I’ve spent the last three months exercising a great amount of control in not ripping it off you. Every. Damn. Day.” Aaron could tell I wasn’t joking. I wasn’t trying to be funny. I knew he could tell by the flush of his cheeks and the heat in his eyes. He wasn’t smiling. He was breathing harder than normal.

  “Let me close the blinds, Lyssa.”

  “No.” He knew my rule. I was in charge of this office. I needed to maintain a level of professionalism in the office. At least during the day. He knew our dance: we flirted, in secret, all day at work… then spent the evening working off all the lust we built up during the day. I loved the anticipation almost as much as I loved finally tearing his clothes off.

  “How long are you going to make me wait?”

  Make him wait? Hell, I couldn’t hold on until after work. With a sudden inspiration, I said: “Why don’t you ‘go out for coffee’?” I said, using air quotes. “You leave first. You know where I hide the house key. Meanwhile, I have to ‘run to the bank.’”

  “All right,” he said, his voice husky as he stood up. I sat in my chair, and watched him walk out to Jean’s desk as he pulled his keys out of his pocket. I saw Jean smile, and though I couldn’t hear them, I knew he was taking her order. He’d have to actually stop for coffee on his way back.

  I waited a few minutes, glad my arousal was a little easier to hide. I headed out the door. “Gotta run to the bank, Jean. I shouldn’t be long,” I tossed the comment over my shoulder. Jean called out an acknowledgement that she’d heard me as I let the door close behind me.

  I got to my car and looked in the back seat. Aaron was sitting there, suit coat off, shirt unbuttoned, arms spread across the back of the seat. He looked magnificent. My eyes didn’t make it up past his tanned washboard stomach and perfect chest. “What – “

  “Drive.”

  “Where – “

  “I said, drive.”

  I was so aroused, I didn’t argue. I knew what was going on. I’d been in control in the office, and he didn’t like that. And it wasn’t that Aaron wanted to be in control of our situations; he just liked me out of control.

  I drove out of our parking lot and down the street. A few blocks down the road sat an industrial facility that was currently vacant. Aaron said, “Turn here.” Again, I didn’t argue. “Pull around back,” he told me, “and park.” I pulled around back. We were surrounded by buildings, completely hidden from the main road. “Now come back here,” he demanded.

  I parked the car, got out of the front seat, and slid in the back.

  “So… what?” I asked, “We’re going to do it in a car like a couple of teenag – “ Aaron cut me off by grabbing me and kissing me. Not gently. He wrapped both hands around my head, entangling his hands in my hair and pulling me close to him, kissing me hard and not letting me go.

  I reached down and found his belt, reaching with both hands to undo it as quickly as I could. I grabbed onto his pants, and he lifted off the seat, just enough to let me pull his pants down to his knees.

  He released me from the kiss and said simply, “Ride me.”

  It didn’t even occur to me to argue. I saw a condom sitting next to him on the seat, so I ripped it open and put it on him. Then I reached up under my skirt, pulled my panties off, and straddled him. I was tempted to tease him. I was tempted to try to take back some control. But Aaron must have sensed it, because suddenly he grabbed me and kissed me again. He pulled me to him and said into my ear, “I told you to ride me. Get on me, and fuck me. Now.” He was matter-of-fact, not insistent, as though it didn’t occur to him I wouldn’t obey. We’d played this game a bit, and he knew I liked it.

  I slid down onto him, letting him fill me. It was exquisite. It had only been last night that he’d bent me over and filled me up, but it still felt like I’d been months without him inside me. Every time was that much pleasure, that much release.

  I moved slowly up and down. He rolled his head back, moaning as I moved up and down, still with his hands wrapped into my hair, rather than gripping my hips. This was his way of giving me back some control – letting me set the rhythm.

  Suddenly, much sooner than I expected, he cried out and jerked. His hands shot down to my hips, and he held me down on him, grinding himself into me. He moaned again, loudly, and his body shuddered under me as his head fell forward, his forehead against my
shoulder.

  “Oh my god, Lyssa, I’m sorry,” he laughed a little. “You got me going so much in your office, I knew I wouldn’t last long, but hell!” he laughed some more, “I didn’t think I’d give out on you that fast!”

  I stayed where I was and started moving again, grinding against him. “Well, one thing I’m sure of: you will make it up to me later,” I said.

  “You keep that up, and you won’t have to wait,” he said huskily.

  “No, I think that will hold both of us over until ten minutes after we leave the office for the day,” I leered at him.

  He looked up at me and smiled, lopsidedly. “I may – may – make it to lunch, but I make no promises,” he said, “and I am taking you all the way home at lunch time, and fucking you like you deserve to be fucked. Or, we could just not go back to the office for a while.” He ran his thumbs over my bra, across my nipples.

  I leaned my head back and ground against him again. I felt him get hard again, inside of me, and that really got me going. It still amazed me that I had the ability to excite him – this incredibly beautiful, vital, sensual creature. He wanted me. That was incredible arousing.

  He moved his other hand on the top of my thigh. He squeezed, knowing what having his hand that close to my clit would do to me. I moaned, and he moved his thumb in, teasing my clit with it. My breathing got faster, and I felt him get harder. I moved slowly, up and down him, as he worked my clit with one thumb, and pinched my nipple with his other hand, through my bra. My head was still thrown back, lost in the ecstasy that my body could give me. That Aaron could give me.