I shook my head, “Come on. You’re kidding right?”
“Not even a little. It still drives her bonkers that she loves me. Control is important to vampires, and even more so to Penny because she’s walking a tightrope, and any second something could knock her off. In her mind we are just something that other people could use to hurt her. She believes that she might be able to stand losing one of us, but if she opens herself up to both of us then losing us might just kill her. So she’s trying to mitigate the potential suffering that she might endure by keeping you at arm’s length, but it’s a mistake. You can’t really control who you love. She thinks she’s avoiding pain, but she’s just really cheating herself out of the chance to be really happy. If her father stepped in, she’d still hurt every bit as much, only right now she’d add all that regret of never actually acting on her feelings for you.” Grim said it calmly. He really knew her, and I had to admit that he really did understand people much better than I did.
“Aren’t you…jealous?” I asked nervously.
“It’s not how I planned my life.” Grim said with a sigh. “I always hoped I’d find a good woman, marry her, and raise a few little squirts. That’s just not in the cards, but that’s life. I did find a good woman, and I love her. She loves me, but she also loves you too. So I’m left with two options. Either I can accept it and try to adjust to a very different life than I ever planned so that she can be happy, or I don’t accept it and we go our separate ways. I think it’s pretty clear what my decision has been.”
“That didn’t really answer my question.”
“Are you asking if I wish that she just wanted me, and me alone. Hell yeah, but what good would that do. For our relationship to work there has to be a third person. I mean that is unless I want to walk around like a half-drunk Capri Sun, and eventually I’d end up dead like that. So there has to be someone Penny can feed on besides me, and well you’ve been fed on. So you know how that feels. Because vampires have an extremely hard time separating food and sex, anyone that they feed on consistently is almost guaranteed to end up being a lover. So it’s polyamory and a long happy relationship, monogamy and a very short life, or break up and go our separate ways. I love her too much to just walk away, and I’m in no hurry to hit the off switch on life, so I’m a monogamous boyfriend trying to roll with a lifestyle I’m not completely comfortable with. I’m making the best of my situation. It’s not easy, but she’s worth it. Besides, sleeping with beautiful women isn’t the worst thing in the world.” Grim laughed and wiggled his eyebrows playfully.
I laughed, “Come on, you’ve humped everyone here but me and your sister. You’re trying to tell me that you want the wife, the picket fence, and the little ankle biters that come with being normal?”
Grim got very serious, “The first time I slept with Janine, I thought I was having a dream. After that we were just friends with benefits. I wasn’t even dating anyone at that time. Danika bonded to me, and when she turned that first time her inner wolf didn’t exactly give me an option. It was either fuck her or become a snack on the way to probably eating Niki, and then going after Penny and the rest. Penny probably could have handled her, but she’d have killed Niki long before then. I would never talk like this to Danika, and if you ever say anything to her about it, then I’ll never forgive you, but that night wasn’t exactly consensual on my part. I made the best of a really bad situation. Danika doesn’t know that, and I don’t ever want her to know that because if she did, it would break her little heart. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like some sappy ABC movie of the week where some girl gets attacked by her boyfriend. I wasn’t hiding in a shower scrubbing myself because I felt dirty. I didn’t really mind it too much, but if you took a look at my to-do list, you wouldn’t have found 'bang my sister’s girlfriend' anywhere on it. I started having sex with Katy because we needed a Pet, and Penny was pretty sure she was the best choice. Now I know that she was a terrible choice, and I know why Penny wanted her instead of you. The only person you could have said sleeping with was a goal in my life is Penny. I wanted to sleep with her, but I wanted a romantic relationship with her.”
“So humping everyone else has just been…what?” I asked.
“Fun, mostly. Danika was actually pretty scary. Talk about pressure to perform. I was going to have to be inside her one way or another. Either sexually or as dinner, and all I can say is thank God biology operates on its own away from emotion, because if I’d had to come up with romantic sexual feeling for Danika when she was all hairy and sharp teeth, I’d have been up shit creek without a paddle, or even a canoe, for that matter.”
“Does Niki mind? That you and Danika are bonded?”
Grim shrugged, “She’s in the same boat I’m in. I think it’d be a lot harder for her if Danika’s wolf still wanted to have sex with me. Instead, her inner wolf seems content on snuggling up and just spending quality time together about once a month. Sometimes Danika looks normal as you or me, and sometimes the wolf wants to snuggle. That’s a little weird. Snuggling a werewolf is like holding a big hairy ball of fur with razor blades mixed in. It’s the one night that my little sister can’t even get a kiss on the cheek without having to almost beg for it. My little sister tries to make the best of the situation that she can. Niki jokes that I’m the equivalent of Danika’s period.”
I laughed, and realized that normally, when Grim talked to me it had always been to cheer me up, or to get me to relax. We really never had conversations, and it was because I’d been a bit of a snob. Somewhere along the way I’d let it creep into my head that Grim wasn’t really able to hold an intelligent conversation. So we just joked and goofed off together. I never let the conversation turn serious between us, and right now I was kicking myself for having done that. He was already the best friend I’d ever had, and if I’d opened up to him like this, and more importantly, just listened to him instead of just discounting his thoughts as that of a half crazy horndog, then maybe I wouldn’t be feeling so guilty about it now. Well, that was going to change from now on.
“Grim, can I ask you something?”
Grim’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, “I have the distinct feeling that I’m not going to be happy about this next question, but go ahead.”
“Well, I know that when you were being tortured that your men did stuff…sexually to you, and I get that you didn’t want that. What I don’t get is Marcus? I mean clearly, you’re not homosexual, and unless I really missed something along the way, I’m pretty sure you aren’t bi. So how could you just sleep with him?”
“Like I said, I wanted to escape. Marcus is…well was, a pedophile. He was a scumbag, a murderer, and frankly the world is a better place without him. That being said, he was also a sneaky little bastard that had escaped six sanitariums before I’d met him. The guy was like freaking Houdini. He wasn’t interested in just helping someone escape. He wanted a little quid pro quo, if you catch my drift. He wasn’t interested in friends, but he was interested in getting his rocks off. I’m not proud of this, but considering that at the time I was getting treated like a fucking test monkey by a shrink that thought electroshock therapy was too blasé…and because of some of the medication, I couldn’t handle my own bodily functions. Shit, they controlled when I ate, what I ate. The pills they gave me made it where I had to wear a fucking diaper and they shoved a catheter into me so I couldn’t even control my own piss. I’d been tortured, abused sexually, and damn near beaten to the point of death more times than I could count, but that sanitarium was just somehow worse. Maybe because they were trying to help me in their own fucked up way, but it just kind of rubbed salt into the wound, and made a bad situation even worse. Plus they didn’t believe a word I said. So it all screwed with my head pretty good. I know they meant well, but they were taking the only thing I had left. They were taking my dignity. So I had a choice. Stay in that place and let them keep doing what they were doing to me, or let Marcus have his fun with me in exchange for showing me a way out of the place.
Since staying actually seemed like a fate worse than death, I made my decision and never looked back. I can’t say that in hindsight I’m happy to know that I let a bunch of demons fuck me like a two dollar prostitute, but at least it got me out of that hell hole.”
I could tell this wasn’t a topic that Grim was particularly okay with discussing, and that really spoke to the man’s character that he’d still open up to me about it. You just couldn’t help but love the big guy. For all his faults, and for all the terrible things he’s done, he was still a decent, even sweet guy, if you gave him half a chance. When you talk with him, you just know that he really cares about you. I’m not sure that if I’d gone through even half of what he had, that I’d still be able to do that. I think I’d just have stayed hidden in a dark room and cried for the rest of my life, but Grim just kept embracing life. It was pretty amazing that he could overcome it all and still keep that goofy smile on his face, or that he could want to keep going at all for that matter.
“How do you do it?” I just had to know.
“Do what?”
“You’ve been tortured, raped, abused mentally, and pretty much been life’s punching bag, but you’re still standing. You haven’t given up, and you just keep…trying. How do you do it?”
I watched as he gave me a confused look, “You mean I have a choice? There’s some complaint department that I can call where I can ask them to quit using me as karma’s diaper?”
“Well, you do have an in with Jesus. That has to be worth something?” I asked. I’d never really wanted to discuss God with him before. I’m just not that comfortable with the topic, but I didn’t want our conversation to end. I believe in God, but I felt like we weren’t exactly on the best of terms. So a lot of the time I just paid lip service to him. I might lead the prayer occasionally, but I never really felt it.
“You’d think that, but no. The big man upstairs is kind of a mystery when it comes to that. I mean he listens, and he’s always there to be a shoulder to lean on, but it can be pretty frustrating when dealing with him sometimes.”
“What do you mean?” I said, and then cringed internally. I really didn’t want to know that much about this.
“Well, let’s just look at you.” Grim said, and I felt my stomach knot. I really would prefer we didn’t discuss me. In the last year my mother had died from cancer, I was part of a group that tried to take over America, I nearly spent the rest of my life in prison because of it, and that would have absolutely ruined my sisters’ lives. How would they get into college when every college interview would eventually come back to “tell us about your sister the terrorist”? Thankfully, Grim convinced them I was on their side. I felt my chest clench with all the pain I could have caused my family if Grim hadn’t stepped in when he did. If all of that wasn’t enough, now we have The Darkness trying to kill us. I was pretty sure Grimmy’s God had washed his hands of me a long time ago.
“Grim, I know you and God are tight, but in case you haven’t noticed, my relationship with him hasn’t been so hot. He plays favorites, and I’m just not one of them.” I said nervously. Starting an argument with the big guy right now would be a pretty jerky move considering all he’d done for me, but I just couldn’t pretend that I felt the same way about hconterolim that Grim did. Doing so felt like I was insulting the memory of my mother.
“Wow, I never realized you were on the fence like that.” Grim looked at me sadly, but he wasn’t angry.
“Grim, I prayed every night for him to save my mother from cancer. It never happened. God might listen to your prayers, but he clearly doesn’t listen to mine. So if you’re expecting me to run around being a cheerleader for Jesus, then you’re kidding yourself. I believe, but that’s the most I can say about it. We aren’t on good terms. He made it pretty clear he didn’t care what I wanted when he took my mother away.” I nearly started crying right then and there. The pain of losing her was still so close to the surface that it threatened to bubble up almost immediately. I sounded angry, and if I was honest with myself, I felt pretty angry.
Grim pulled me in, and gave me a hug. It wasn’t one of those “get in your pants” kind of hugs most men usually tried to sneak in when they have a vulnerable woman. It was just a normal, comforting hug. Even still, I wanted to hit something. The pain was just too much, and it finally sank in that maybe I wasn’t as okay as I’d been trying to act. I hadn’t really been able to mourn the loss of my mother. Staying out of jail, and all the craziness of our new-found popularity has kept me so busy.
“I’m sorry.” Grim hugged me tighter, and I felt wetness come down onto my cheek. I thought they were my tears, but when Grim finally pulled away, I realized he’d been crying with me.
“Why, what do you have to apologize for? You’re the reason I’m not in jail. If anything I should be thanking you. Grim, you practically saved my life.”
“No, I’m sorry that you don’t know how much God loves you. DD, how many red lights did you hit going in when I met you at the hospital that day?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” I couldn’t hide the irritation in my voice.
“For the record, it was all forty-six of them, and the traffic jam that tied you up made it where you were almost an hour late. Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you had made it on time?”
“I’d have gotten an extra hour with my mother before she died.” I said, and I didn’t even try to contain the bitterness in my voice.
“No, you’d have never seen your mother. I was there to interrogate you, get you to tell us everything. Remember, you never would have made it inside the hospital if you’d have been on time. Instead, I came in, sat down, and had a chance to see why you were working for Elizabeth. DD, if you had shown up like normal we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I showed up that day with every intention of torturing and killing you.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t. I’m not really seeing what this has to do with anything.”
“Seemed awful convenient that you’d hit all those red lights, and that traffic jam doesn’t it?”
“It’s just coincidence.” I snapped.
“Don’t be so sure.” Grim gave me a sly smile.
“It was a coincidence. You can’t really expect me to believe Jesus tied up traffic for me. He talks to you directly. If he wanted me safe, he could have just told you not to kill me.”
Grim shook his head, “It doesn’t work like that. God loves us. All of us, even you, and he loves us enough to let us make our own decisions. He could have said leave you alone, but do you think I’d have trusted you? That came only after talking with your mom. I might have followed orders and not killed you because it’s what he wanted, but how much better is it that I met your mother? I saw why you were doing what you were doing, and I cared about you because you showed how big your heart is. You might still have been alive because it’s what he wanted, but you’re my friend because after getting a glimpse of your heart, I made a choice to associate myself with you.”
I was shocked. He was right, of course, absolutely right, but that doesn’t mean I have to admit it. Of course he was nice enough not to push or maybe he was just smart enough that he knew exactly how fragile I felt. We sat in silence for a little while. He was just being patient with me. Finally Grim cleared his throat and said, “It’s getting pretty late. Can I ask you for a favor, well, maybe a couple of favors, actually?”
I nodded, “Oh fine, but don’t squeeze them too hard. They’re sensitive.” I pushed the twins up as high as they would go, and then started laughing as Grim’s eyes locked onto them. The man is sweet, loving, and sometimes dangerously vicious under the right circumstances, but if Superman’s weakness is kryptonite, Grim’s are ta-tas. I watched as Grim’s intellect drained away as the blood flowed from his brain to another area. I had to fight the urge to glance down. I was pretty sure he was already growing erect, but one of us would catch heck from Penny if I did anything with the big lug. I believe that she had definitely cal
led dibs, and I’m not sure which one of us would be in bigger trouble. I let my twins fall back to their normal bouncy position, and Grim shook his head to clear his thoughts.
Chapter 22
“What was I saying?”
I laughed and kissed him on the cheek, “You had favors to ask?”
“Oh yes…” Grim’s eyes glazed over as he tried to find his train of thought. Eventually a spark of recognition flared in his eyes. “Can you please bring Janine back in here? She’s got to be getting bored out of her mind by now.”
I slipped back out of bed, and brought Janine back into the room. I plugged her in, and left her facing us. Janine was excited, and she was talking a mile a minute, but I couldn’t really understand what she was trying to say. I eventually got her to calm down and then had her start from the beginning.
“I figured out how to use the computer!” Janine’s voice was quaking with excitement.
“You already know how to use one.” I answered.
“No I mean from inside here. I didn’t have anything better to do while I was in the bathroom. So I started tinkering around in here. I finally figured out how to use the computer from inside here. It’s amazing.”
Grim sat up, “In what way?” I looked at him, really looked at him, and saw two very different Grims. On the surface was the kind, gentle Grimmy that was excited because Janine was excited. He was being loving, kind, and supportive. Then I took a closer look, and realized there was Joseph. He was analyzing the situation, and attempting to determine what to make of things. He was already trying to decide how to make use of whatever she was going to tell us. One side, the Grim side, was a loving friend. The other side, Joseph, was clinical, and preparing to use cold battlefield logic to determine what was the best course of action. I’d always just taken him at face value, but now I was seeing the whole man, and not just the surface. Immediately, I became aware of two things. The first was that I really didn’t know the man. I only knew a part of him. The second thing was that after seeing the whole man, I don’t think I could ever accept only part of him again. I wanted the whole man, and I had to turn away from him immediately, because I now realized a third thing. I really, really wanted him. I felt an ache between my thighs, and I had to remind myself that Grim was still sick. I was here to take care of him, but right now I really wanted him to take care of me. I bit my lip, and did my best to ignore my growing urge to slide into the bed and…think unsexy thoughts…think unsexy thoughts…think unsexy thoughts!
Midnight Squad: The Ties That Bind Page 37