“DD?” Grim’s voice snapped me back to reality. Which was an improvement because I don’t care how unsexy you try to make your thoughts, a naked Joseph in the background of your mental image stroking his throbbing, pulsing, veiny…well it just made unsexy impossible.
“Yes?” What was meant to be a calm collected answer, sounded instead like I was ready to start working as a phone sex operator.
“Earth to DD? Are you okay? You kind of drifted off there.” Grim smiled a lazy smile. Keep reminding yourself that he’s sick, he’s been poisoned, and any bouncing would most likely result in him puking halfway through. That last thought helped me gain a little control of my libido.
“Yeah, I just dazed off a little. It’s pretty late. What were you both saying?”
“Janine figured out how to access the computer. She’s able to use the computer s hardware, software, and even has access to the hard drive and memory. Janine has instant recall of the computer’s memory. She figured out how to send her consciousness out through the internet. It’s amazing.” I nodded, but all I could think of was curling up on top of him and kissing him, and maybe even biting that bottom lip a little.
“Yeah, I was worried I was trapped, so I was panicking a bit. At first I thought this would be like being in a prison, but instead it’s like exploring a whole new world. I can read a book in the blink of an eye, and I retain every bit of the information as long as I leave it on the hard drive. Even if I delete it I still remember it. My mind hasn’t changed, but I can use the computer as a kind of memory boost. I can surf the web, actually travelling through it. I’ve been jumping around through the internet. It’s a whole new world to me. I can’t say that I’m happy to be without my body, but this definitely has some perks.” Janine kept talking, but it just droned out as I watched Joseph’s muscular chest rise and fall with each breath. I wanted to curl into that chest, and maybe run my hands across it. Actually, there was no maybe to it.
Grim finally interrupted, “That’s all wonderful, but we need to get some sleep. Now DD, about that other favor.”
“Yes!” I sounded ready to pounce on top of him. Crud, it was not exactly my smoothest moment. I stood there as patiently as possible, but inside every part of me was chanting, “Please say do me…please say do me…please say do me!” I’m not proud of that, but at least I was the only one that knew what I was thinking. Then I saw Joseph’s eyebrow lift up slowly. Oh crap! Somehow he just knew. Am I really that obvious?
Grim’s expression returned to passively neutral, “Can you please help me up so that I can say my prayers for the night?”
I moved around the bed, and helped him up to his feet. I then helped him down to his knees. It felt kind of weird seeing him down like that, and so I got on my knees beside him. I suddenly felt a little more relaxed. Standing over him while he was praying to God just felt kind of wrong.
“Please look after us while we try to survive what seems to be an attack from all sides. Please guide us. They seem to be coming from everywhere, and I need all the help you can give me. You know what’s happening. You know everything. You know someone is playing us like a fiddle. Someone knows our every move, and has been able to predict what we are going to do. Look after Katy’s parents. Whoever put them there knows that Katy would stay until she could get them somewhere safe. They know that we wouldn’t leave Katy here alone. Please help me out, because I am just not good enough on my own to get us through this.”
I turned to him stunned. He was respectful, but he just talked with God like he was holding a simple conversation. There were no “oh most magnificent lord” this, and “holy” that. He just chatted with him. Grim kept talking. Sometimes it was like he was just chatting with an old friend. I was used to thinking of God as this powerful entity that ruled, and kept you in your place. Grim talked to him like an old drinking buddy.
“What?” Grim turned to me. He looked a little irritated. I guess I’d been staring for a while.
Well, there’s no point in backing down now, “How can you talk to H-I-M like that?” I actually spelled it out and pointed up in the air, like God is just on the other side of our ceiling listening in, and that he’s apparently illiterate.
Joseph started laughing. I glared at him, and that only made him laugh harder. By the time he stopped he was holding his ribs. “DD? He is the Lord. He is the king of kings, but don’t you think he already knows that? He loves us. He wants us to love him back. He went to great lengths to tear down the wall between us. He wants a relationship. Don’t you know that?”
I stammered a little, but finally spat out, “Yeah, but…it’s God, not some dude you go fishing with on weekends.”
Grim’s face softened, “DD, that’s just it. He wants to be that guy you go fishing with. He wants to be that guy you go drinking with. God wants to be the best friend you’ll ever have.”
“Yeah sure, but…then there’s all that smiting and stuff.” I snorted.
“DD, have you ever been around a yes man?”
“You mean one of those corporate jerks that just do whatever they’re told and never have an opinion, or even a thought for themselves? Yeah, of course.”
“What did you think of them?” Grim asked patiently.
“They were assh…they were jerks. It was just annoying to be around them.”
“Okay, so if they annoy you, how much more annoying do you think they are to God. He took great pleasure in building the human mind. Don’t you think he wants us to use it?”
I’d never really thought of it like that. “Grim, I just don’t think I’m ready to be so chummy with the G-man.”
“Because of your mom?” Grim asked, and put an arm around me. I couldn’t even speak, I just nodded and tears began to run down my face.
“Have you ever told him about it?”
“What!” I spat out. I was shocked. What kind of idiot would tell God they were mad at him? That sounded like a surefire ticket to a very warm place.
“Try it.” Grim spoke softly, his voice was soothing.
“No. I can’t.”
“Why?” Grim’s voice was gentle.
“I’m afraid.”
“Of?”
He wasn’t going to let it go, “Fine, I’m scared that if I start telling him how I feel that I’ll tell him how angry I am, and then maybe I say something that he won’t forgive me for. I’m afraid of Hell. I’m afraid that once I start telling him how I feel, that he’ll know how much I hate him for taking away my mother. How angry I am that I had to raise my sisters when I should have just been a kid. I want to punch him, but he’s God. You can’t win an argument with God. Even as angry as I am, I know that. Also, if I tell him how I feel, what happens if he doesn’t care? What happens if it turns out that he doesn’t love me, or that he’s already washed his hands of me? Grim…” I was crying. I buried my face into the bed and began sobbing.
I felt gentle hands on my shoulders. Grim was trying to soothe me, but I was beyond any comfort, “Grim, why does God hate me so much? What did I ever do to have him take my momma away? Why did she have to have cancer? Why?” I was practically screaming it into the bed. It just hurt so much.
Janine answered, “God doesn’t hate you. He loves you. He loves all of us, but sometimes we don’t feel it. DD, I know it’s hard, but people die. We could discuss original sin and all that, but what’s the point? The reality is that people die, and horribly bad things happen in this world. This is a broken world where even God could be tortured, suffer horribly, and then die. Some days I think this world might have been better off if it never existed, but thankfully I’m not God. He loved us all so much that he built a world where we could be born. Maybe the whole purpose of this universe was just God’s way of designing somewhere that he could bring life into being. It was a place to give us life, a place for souls to start their existence. Maybe as screwed up as this world is, it was the best way to bring us all into being. Think about that for a moment. He may have built everything in the univers
e just because he loves us. The stars twinkling in the sky, the sun setting in the evening, flowers, everything he built is just to give us the opportunity to live. The whole universe, as messed up as it is, might just be something God made to show you how much he loves us. Look at the lengths he went to bring us all into the world. God didn’t kill your mother to punish you; he took her home to take away her suffering. In heaven she’ll be happy, and cancer free forever. It’s like he created the whole universe just to give birth to us, and this life is just the contractions we all have to endure until we are finally born.”
“That’s kind of how I explained it to my sisters…except for the whole birth stuff, and the whole universe is an expression of God loving us stuff. I told them God loved their mother and wanted her to come live with him.” I sniffled.
“Yes, but the best part is that even though it’s an explanation that sounds a bit childish, it’s completely true. The simple truth is that your mother is in a much better place, and someday you’ll be able to spend eternity up there with her. Just hold on to your faith in God.” Janine sounded so certain, and strangely…I believed her.
“I wish I had your faith.” I said, and wiped the tears away.
“Faith is just trust. When you were a kid you trusted your mom, why?”
“Well.” I searched for an answer. Was it because she loved me? Yes, but it was more than that. Was it because she always looked after me? Again the answer was yes, and again that answer didn’t cover the answer. I sat there for a long time racking my brain about why I trusted her, and no answer truly covered it completely. Finally I just said, “Because she’s my mom.” Strangely that seemed to answer it perfectly.
“Well, it’s the same with God. Try it. Try opening yourself to God. Tell him how you feel. He already knows, but he loves us enough to want to hear how we feel about things. It’s just like your mom. She probably knew how you felt about things, but she still wanted to hear about things from your own mouth, and do you know why?”
“Because she loves…loved me.” I croaked.
“No, she still loves you. Just because she’s up in heaven doesn’t mean she stopped loving you. Just because she can’t come down and tell you how she feels doesn’t mean she stopped loving you. It’s kind of the same way with God. He loves you. He’s loved you since the beginning, and that’s mind boggling. To think that before you were born, God was making plans for you, and that before your soul even existed…God knew you, and already loved you. He loves us all, and he wants us to love him back. That’s one of the reasons that he doesn’t force his will on us.”
I started blubbering again. The way Janine talked; I just knew she was right. I’d heard that same song and dance a thousand times, by hundreds of people, but for some reason her words sank in for the first time.
Grim gave me a hug, and I felt a lot better. I smiled, “Grim would you pray with me…please?”
We sat there on our knees, and for the first time in a long time I said a prayer that wasn’t just going through the motions. I actually talked to God, or at least at God. I poured out my heart, and by the time I finished I felt so much better. I was a little raw emotionally, but it was like someone had just taken a heavy weight off my shoulders. I wasn’t quite ready to call God a friend yet, but by the time I finished my prayer I didn’t feel like we were at odds. At least I didn’t feel like he hated me, or was out to ruin my life.
I finished, and then Grim finally got to finish his prayer from earlier. I didn’t expect him to wait on me to finish, but he actually did. He was supporting me, and to be honest I probably needed it. I leaned over and kissed him on the side of the head. It was a quick peck, but Grim gave me a sideways glance, “I’m not finished.” It was a stern warning, and I sat back on my feet and waited patiently for him to finish. I felt like I’d just been put in my place, and it made me a little nervous. I was worried that I’d offended him by interrupting his prayers.
“Lord, look after us, keep us safe. Also, please keep DD from snoring. Protect me from her morning breath. Secure me from any billowy wafts of stankness that might come out from her fudge factory in the middle of the night. Finally Lord, please keep her icy cold feet off of me…as you know they are colder than a Yeti's twat in a blizzard, and Lord protect me from her-“
I punched him in the shoulder, “Jerk!” I laughed. The big goober was setting me up.
“What?” Grim said with mock innocence.
“What nothing! Now get your butt into that bed. I have cold feet that I need to warm up.”
“Sir Fuxalot fears not your tiny feet! No matter how cold they are, nor do I fear your velociraptor-like toenails.” Grim smiled, and I felt all gushy inside. He was just an easy man to love, but I still slapped his shoulder on principle. Nobody gets away with talking smack about my toenails. I cast a glance down at my tootsies, and cringed. Yeah, they probably could stand a pedicure.
“Sir Fuxalot, oh, Penny wouldn’t like hearing you say that.” I laughed.
“Sir Fuxalot doesn’t fear Lady Caterwaul. Sir Fuxalot fears no mere woman, even if her jubblies are large and somehow magically defy gravity.” Grim said in a stuffy old English accent as he slipped under the covers.
There was a loud thump on the door. “Mere woman!” Penny sounded extremely irritated.
Grim pulled the blankets up to his nose, “Beware Lady Gazungas, for the dragon is waiting outside the castle gate!”
“Lady Gazungas?” I laughed.
“Is it the name you dislike or the title? If it’s the title we could make you the Groom of the Stool, but I don’t really think you want that position.” Grim’s eyes glimmered with an almost childlike playfulness.
“I can work with Lady Gazungas. Sir Fuxalot.” I chuckled as I curtsied.
“Mere Woman!” Penny banged on the door a little harder.
“Should we let Lady Caterwaul in?” I teased, and heard Penny huff in irritation outside the door.
“Heavens, no! For Lady Caterwaul must have been cursed, and she has now turned into a dragon. If you let her in then she might kill us all with her fiery breath and threats of painfully decadent sex.” Grim teased.
“One of you two idiots let me in right now! I will not be mocked.” Penny sounded really upset. I looked back to Grim, and he gestured me to open the door.
“No, Lady Gazungas, do not let the dragon inside. We have almost no defense for her dragon ways.” Grim was laughing so hard that he was butchering his fake English accent, and now he sounded like an Australian after a stroke.
I opened the door, and Penny stomped inside. “Mere woman! I hope you weren’t too fond of your ass there mister, because I’m about to kick it up around your ears.”
“I warned you. See how the dragon rages. It might destroy us all, but stay back dragon, or I will defend myself the only way I can.” Grim was laughing so hard that his face was red. It was good to see him feeling a little better.
“Could you please stop acting like you ate paint chips as a child?” Penny growled, and I couldn’t help myself. I just felt the sudden urge to join in.
“Sir Fuxalot, save us. The dragon is going to eat me.” I said, and my stuffy English accent didn’t sound any better than Grim’s. In fact it sounded a lot like I was doing a really bad southern accent with a head cold. It was like Scarlet O’Hara had the flu.
Penny glared at me, “Don’t tempt me.”
For a moment I actually thought she was serious, but then I saw it. It was a slight tremor of her lips. She was fighting back a smile. Well, if that’s how she wants to play it, then my years of Dungeons and Dragons playing wasn’t going to go to waste.
“No stay back! Sir Fuxalot, save me from the evil dragon. It’s leering at me, and the only thing I have to defend myself with is my chest of holding.” I pressed my chest together and gave a little shake. The twins swayed back and forth, and suddenly the room got very quiet.
“Ummmmm-“ Penny was stuck, and it was hilarious. Apparently, she was a lot like Grim wh
en it came to breasts, as well. You could actually look at her and see that while the lights were still on, nobody was home. I watched her eyes follow my chest as it moved right and left.
“I thought I was the only one that did that. You know, it’s pretty funny when I’m not the one whose brain turns to mush when someone does that.” Grim laughed.
Penny snapped out of it and grumbled, “Shut up. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just had my mind on other thin-“ Penny froze again as I pressed my twins together and all but shoved them into her face.
“What’s wrong Penny? See something you want?” I had my chest inches away from her face. Penny wasn’t even trying to be sneaky about it. She wasn’t even trying to hide her ogling. I leaned over and made sure Penny had an easy look at my cleavage. “Come on, does Lady Caterwaul see something she wants.” I cooed at her.
“Yes…please.” Penny didn’t sound angry anymore. In fact she sounded ready to do whatever I told her. I can’t say it wasn’t a huge ego boost, but I had to remind myself that on some level I was, in fact, basically poking a bear with a stick. She’d eventually realize it, and I started getting wet with the thoughts of what she might do to me after she snapped out of it. Regardless, Grim was still sick, and I needed to get her out of here while I could so Grim could get the rest he needs.
Midnight Squad: The Ties That Bind Page 38