"You miss them."
"Yes."
"That doesn't make you a bad person."
"I'm not happy about my brother's engagement."
"Still." She climbs out of her seat and shifts onto my lap. Her ass hits the steering wheel. Her chest presses against mine.
She's inches away. It should put me off, the champagne on her breath, but it doesn't.
Her fingers curl into my hair. She brings her lips to my ear. "What did I tell you about this car not being big enough?"
"I'm not going to fuck you."
"I know." She wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my chest. "We're talking. Trust me, talking doesn't usually lead to sex. Maybe for smoking hot rock star sex gods. But not for normal people."
I press one palm against the space between her shoulder blades. I use my other hand to run my fingers through her hair. It's an instinct. My body responds to hers.
It wants hers. There's no doubt about that.
But the way she's purring in my lap. The way she's holding me…
She's seeing an ugly part of me. And she's not running away.
It's intense.
It's not like when I'm onstage or in the studio, singing lyrics about ugly things in a beautiful way.
I'm not in control.
I can't hide behind artistic license.
I can't hide behind sex appeal.
I'm a fucking guy in a fucking car.
She looks up at me, her brown eyes full of understanding. "I don't have a brother or a sister. I'm not sure I've even loved anyone as much as you love Piper and Ethan. But I… I guess I've never had the experience of someone not needing me anymore. My mom… that's still complicated, but she does need me. And my dad… he trusts her when she doesn't deserve it, so he needs me too. But I don't think you're wrong."
"I should be happy for him."
"Are you?"
"No."
Something in her expression changes, something I can't place. She presses her lips together. "I'm guessing you don't want to talk about it."
"Logan was right. Beauty and brains."
"You needed him to tell you that?"
"No."
"Sorry. I get a little mouthy when I'm drunk."
"I thought you weren't drunk?"
"Tipsy. Whatever." She scoots back a few inches, until her ass really is against the steering wheel. "You should get a bigger car."
"Nobody fucks in the driver's seat."
Her eyes light up. "You really—"
"No." I run my hands through her hair. There's something nice about looking up at her like this. Nice is the only word I have. Either blood is rushing to my cock at an alarming rate or I'm losing my way with words. "It's your turn."
Her voice drops to a whisper. "I don't want to say it."
"I know."
"I… I haven't told anyone this." She looks down at her thighs. Then at mine. "I… I was with Adam for four years."
I nod.
"He was my first. My only until you. We were slow about sex at first. It took a few months. And that was fine. It seemed smart. I was eighteen and I wanted to have sex, and I wanted to have sex with this guy I really liked, loved even, but I was nervous too. The first time was awkward. But it was okay. The first year, it was okay. Then he started having technical difficulties…" She plays with the hem of her dress.
She stares at the fabric like it has the answers to every one of life's mysteries.
Her voice is a whisper. "He couldn't get it up. For years. Because he didn't want me. Because I wasn't desirable. Because… I don't know. Usually it didn't work. Sometimes it did. He wouldn't talk about it. He wouldn't get help. I kept trying things, working out, wearing lingerie, whatever. But it didn't matter. I was too… too something." She blinks back a tear. "I snapped one day. I couldn't take it anymore. So I found an apartment and I told him it was over. I didn't say it was sex, but he knew…"
"Lacey…" I pull her into my arms. "It's not you."
"But… He… for years. He watches porn. He masturbates. It must be me."
"Lacey, you're fucking irresistible." I run my fingers up her thighs until she purrs. "The way you react to me is so fucking beautiful."
"But you just… you just rejected me."
"I didn't want to." I stare back at her. "But you're drunk. I can't have that."
"Okay." She nods. "I… I just…" She blinks back another tear. "I don't know if I'm ever going to believe it."
"You will."
"You promise?"
"I do."
By the time we get back to my place, Lacey is asleep in the passenger seat. She looks peaceful. Calm. I hate to wake her, but I'm not about to leave her out here.
She stirs as I unlock the doors and undo her seat belt. Her brown eyes fix on mine. All that shame and tension is gone. I'm sure it will be back, but for now, she's unburdened by her past.
"Sorry," she murmurs as I take her into my arms and lock the car. "Alcohol always makes me sleepy."
I have to set her down to unlock the front door. She's tired, not pass-out drunk. The former is adorable. The latter is a problem—I can't trust someone to say when to pain or need or pleasure if they can't say when to booze.
I can't trust someone with my body if they refuse to take care of theirs.
She slings her arm around my shoulder to step inside. Her body is soft and warm and all I want to do is carry her to my bed and leave her there forever.
She's opening herself to me.
She's looking at me like she needs me.
I know better than to fill this empty space with the first thing I find. This is just sex. And it should stay that way.
Otherwise, we'll both get confused. I'll get ideas about how being needed matters more than anything else.
She's different.
The way I feel around her is different.
But that's not enough to change things.
I help her up the stairs and lay her down in my bed. She clutches at my arms with soft moans.
"Mal… I… I really do like you." Her eyelids flutter open. She smiles the smile of an old lover. "I'm sorry things are complicated with your brother."
"Life is complicated."
"That's true." She tugs at my arm. "Come to bed with me."
"You're direct when you're drunk."
"I know. That was when we got into the most fights about it." She opens only one eye. "Just sleep. No funny business."
"Funny business?"
She makes an o with her thumb and forefinger and slides the first two fingers of her other hand between them.
I can't help but laugh.
"It feels good, someone holding you. Even if you're only friends with benefits. Or only friends. That's how it felt with Adam, like we weren't even lovers anymore. We barely hugged or kissed. But sometimes he'd hold me, and I still felt that warmth in my chest." Her eyelids flutter together. "Don't tell me you're scared to try it."
"Am I that easy to bait?" I kick off my shoes and slide out of my jeans. "Take off your dress."
"What about the funny business?"
I laugh. "The bra too."
"If you touch my boobs, you better make me come."
"You think you can make any demands?"
She nods as she pulls her dress over her head. She makes a show of peeling off her bra and running her fingers down her chest and stomach. Her fingers skim her panties. "These too?"
"Up to you."
She slides her panties to her knees them kicks them off her ankles as she rolls onto her side.
I lose my t-shirt and take my place behind her. "I don't cuddle."
"Try it for five minutes. If you don't like it, stop."
It's a fair request, even if it terrifies me.
I slide my arm around her waist and pull her body into mine. She lets out a soft sigh of pleasure as I drag my fingers up her torso.
If I get her off, this is just sex.
I need this to be just sex.
I
cup her breast and play with her nipple with my thumb.
She groans, grinding her ass against me. "Mal, you better…"
"I better what, baby?"
She sighs with pleasure. "Mal…"
I'm not about to deny her.
17
Mal
Lacey falls asleep in my arms. But I don't fall asleep in hers.
I get out of bed. I attempt to find something entertaining on TV. I read. I sulk around the house for far too fucking long.
Eventually, I brush my teeth and fall asleep next to her.
I wake up next to her. It's strange, having someone in my bed. Wanting her there. Wanting her to stay.
I try to push the thought away as I go through my morning routine and head to the gym.
There's too much in my head. Sweat isn't doing shit to drown my thoughts.
I get home from my workout tired instead of energized. It's early and I'm running on little sleep. But it's not my body that's depleted. It's my head and my heart.
A shower, eggs, and tea do little to help.
Maybe I'm a mess. But I'm not going to fuck this up for Ethan. And neither are Mom and Dad. They're due to call tomorrow. But I need to tell them now, to at least talk them into a little enthusiasm.
I find my laptop in my room, set it up on the counter, and I ping Mom on Skype.
Mal: Can we talk early? I have news.
Mom: We're busy today. There's a lot to get together for a trip this long.
Mal: What?
Last time Mom mentioned their visit home, she referred to days, not weeks. Certainly not a long enough trip that they'd be bringing their shit home.
Mom: There are things we need to do in Southern California. We're not sure when we'll be back to South America.
Mal: That's good, right?
Mom: It will be nice to see you, Ethan, and Piper.
Mal: This news should be on the phone.
Mom: I can't, sweetie.
Mal: Ethan asked Vi to marry him.
Mom: Vi… yes, the nice girl with the tight dresses and the eyeliner.
She only knows Violet from the pictures. They were together three of the last five years and Mom only knows Violet from pictures.
She barely remembers Kit—she seemed confused when I told her Piper was engaged to our bassist. I think she met him twice. And that was when he was heavier, not that he was ever heavy. Just soft. He didn't take care of himself when he was using. Since he got clean, he's been working out more than I do.
Mom: That's great news. We have news too.
Mal: Let's celebrate. You still get into LAX on Saturday morning?
Mom: Yes.
Mal: We'll go out Saturday night, to some place with a view of the beach. Someplace nice. I'll tell Ethan to bring Vi. And Piper can bring Kit.
Mom: No, sweetheart. This is family news.
There's no sense in telling her that Ethan and Piper don't consider Mom and Dad family. That Violet and Kit are more family than they've been for years.
Mal: I'll let Ethan decide.
Mom: Trust me, sweetie. It's better if it's just the five of us. Just the Strongs. I have to go. I'm exhausted. I love you.
Mal: Love you too.
She goes offline before I can send my message.
I stare at it for twenty fucking minutes. I'm Charlie fucking Brown, lining up to kick that football again.
Doesn't matter it's been pulled out from under me a thousand times.
I still go in for the kick.
For most of an hour, I tune out TV on the couch. This ER rerun isn't grabbing my attention. I'm tempted to wake Lacey up the fun way, but I resist. I flip channels until I find something entertaining.
Gossip Girl. Tightness threatens to seize my chest again. Piper left before we could finish this show. I don't give a fuck about what Blair, Serena, and Chuck are up to. But the reminder that I'm fucking alone here—
That stings.
And it stings worse that fucking Gossip Girl is the knife in my side.
This isn't anyone's fault. It's the way life works. It goes forward. It's supposed to go forward.
Even when it would be better if everything could stay the same. Or go backwards. To when we were an actual family.
Mom and Dad are coming back.
Maybe things will be different.
Probably worse.
Maybe…
I grab my cell and call Piper.
She answers with an ugh. "This early, someone better be dead."
"It's ten," I say.
"I'm a college student. I'm supposed to sleep in."
"You home?" I have to force home from my tongue. This is supposed to be her home. I'm not ready for her to be an adult.
"Yeah." She calls out to someone, Kit probably. "More coffee please."
He calls something back, but I can't make out the details.
"Turn on channel 17," I say.
She does. "Oh, Chuck better not fuck this up."
"He always does."
She laughs then her voice gets dreamy. "Wasn't it romantic? When Ethan asked me to help pick out the ring, I figured he was going to wait until after your next tour. Or until their new anniversary. But doing it at that show—"
"Ethan asked you to pick out the ring?"
Her voice gets shaky. "You know me and fashion. And me and Vi. She loved it. I knew she would. She wants to get this amazing lace up corset dress, all purple satin with black tulle. It's going to be like a haunted fairytale."
"I thought they wanted a beach wedding."
"They were going to do the pier, but once she saw, um, what's it called… let me check." There's silence for a few moments. "Kimberly Crest House and Gardens. In San Bernardino. It's beautiful, a real castle. They're going to do it fast, an Autumn wedding at dusk." She squeals with delight. "She asked me to be a bridesmaid."
"That's sweet, Pipes."
"Yeah. You know, Vi… if Ethan didn't marry her, I would."
Kit calls out something. Then she's laughing. And he's laughing.
"Hold on, Mal." She squeals, "Stop it," in that please go voice.
That's more than I need to know about their sex life. Not that I can talk. Joel has been using my taste for bondage as a way to torture Piper since she was old enough to care.
It's August.
Autumn is two months away.
"Sorry." She lets out another dreamy sigh. "You know what it's like when you just have to torture a woman. Oooh, that Lacey girl was cute. Do you know where she got that dress?"
"No."
"Yeah. It would be weird if I wore your girlfriend's dress."
"Really?"
Her voice is quiet. "It could have worked."
"We're having fun."
"But you do like her?"
"I do."
She squeals. "I knew it!"
I let her soak in the joy for a minute. It's sweet that Piper wants me to find someone. It's not going to happen, but it's sweet. "I have to tell you something that you're not going to like."
She groans. "Then don't tell me."
"Let's conference call Ethan."
"He's probably hungover after last night."
"He should know his limits."
"He just got engaged! But, okay, I'll conference him. Hold on." She puts me on hold. A few moments later, the line clicks. "He's cranky."
"Fuck off," Ethan groans.
"At least we can tease Mal now. Wasn't Lacey cute?" she asks.
"Too cute for him. What's your game with that?" Ethan asks.
"No, no, he likes the sweet ones. More fun to 'break them' or whatever," she says.
"Who told you that?" Ethan asks.
"Who do you think?" she asks.
"Joel doesn't know shit," I say. "I want to get to this."
"You're never in a rush. Unless…" Piper squeals. "Oh my God, is she there? Did she sleep over? Is it that serious?"
"She's here," I say.
Piper squeals again.
Ethan groans. "She was smart with the video shit. That's what, a month away?"
"Two weeks, ideally," I say.
"You keeping her around that long?" Ethan's voice is tinged with concern.
"Ethan! He likes her. Don't say shit like that. They're cute. And Mal never likes anyone. I don't remember him ever liking anyone," Piper says.
"When he was in high school," Ethan says. "There was one girl he really liked who wouldn't give him the time of day."
"I don't remember that," Piper says.
"You still thought boys had cooties," Ethan says.
"I haven't thought that since I was eight," she says.
"That might be right. How old are you again?" He teases.
"I'm flipping you off right now," she says.
Okay, I can see this isn't going to end.
This is where I feel home, with my family.
But I need to say this shit about Mom and Dad. I need to convince them while they're in good moods.
"Mom and Dad are moving their trip up," I say.
"Okay…" Piper clears her throat. "That's nice."
"I talked to Mom. She's excited you're engaged, Ethan," I say.
"Yeah, I bet she remembers Violet's name and everything." Piper huffs. "I don't want to fight about this again."
"One dinner. Saturday night. The five of us, or you can bring Kit and Violet," I say.
"No," Piper says.
Ethan makes that hrmm noise.
"They have news." I don't have a clue what it is, but I doubt it's bullshit. They don't try hard enough to bullshit.
"Sure they do," Piper says.
"You want to bring Kit and Violet or not?" I ask.
"Violet will want to come," Ethan says. "You should bring Lacey. Will that get you to come, Piper?"
"Are you really that serious about her?" Piper asks.
"I'll bring her if it gets you there," I say.
"Hmm." Piper sighs. "Okay, fine. But I'm not staying for dessert and coffee."
"I'm making the reservation for eight at that place by the harbor," I say.
"Sure." There's a smile in Piper's voice. "Mal and Lacey sitting in a tree—"
Ethan chimes in. "F-U-C-K-I-N-G."
"Gross." Piper groans.
"You started it," he says.
"Brat!" she teases.
"Speak for yourself."
Dangerous Fling: A Rock Star Romance (Dangerous Noise Book 4) Page 14