Living Backwards

by Tracy Sweeney

  “Jillian was just giving me a taste,” I replied, smirking at the expression on Jillian’s face. “Weren’t you, Jill?”

  It was almost unfair. If she hadn’t been torturing me, I’d feel bad because the pain in the ass actually looked speechless.

  “Jillian,” I began, swinging my free arm around her shoulder. I felt her body tense up under the weight of my arm, and gave her a squeeze for good measure. “This is my Aunt Grace.”

  “It’s so nice to meet you,” Grace beamed as she extended her hand. “Carter tells me we share a common passion.” Jillian’s eyes grew wide and darted over to me. “I can’t wait to hear all about your Pad Thai recipe.” I felt her relax a bit and square her shoulders.

  This was fun.

  “Oh, yes,” she agreed hesitantly. “I love Pad Thai. It’s one of my favorite dishes. Thank you for having me,” she added in a shaky voice. I hadn’t even gotten started yet.

  “It’s our pleasure, really,” Grace replied, moving behind me to close the door.

  “Yes,” I added, whispering in Jillian’s ear. “It’s my pleasure.” I heard her breath hitch.

  “Now, I’ll leave Luke to show you around. I have some veal to attend to.” Grace left the room, and I anticipated the wrath of Jillian.

  “What the hell was that?” she hissed as she yanked my arm off her shoulder.

  “I was going to ask you the same thing,” I replied, feigning concern. “You seemed like you were struggling with something back there. Should I open a window? You’re a little pale.”

  She eyed me suspiciously. I could see the wheels spinning as she tried to figure out my angle.

  “Just give me the damn tour, Luke,” she began as she narrowed her eyes.

  “So impatient,” I said, shaking my head. “Dying to get a look at my bedroom, I see.” I headed towards the stairs, suppressing a grin as I heard her grumble behind me.

  “Are you taking me to your bedroom?” she hissed again.

  “Do you always demand to be taken to the host’s bedroom when you’re invited for dinner?” I could tell I was really pissing her off, yet she continued to follow me. This was a lot easier than I expected.

  “You knew what I meant, Luke,” she sneered.

  I rounded the corner at the top of staircase on my way to my room, but as I walked inside, it occurred to me that there was a major flaw in this part of my plan. The real Jillian would be in the room where Dream Jillian had been visiting me every night for the past week. I wasn’t prepared to have my worlds collide, but now it was too late to turn back. She was already leaning against the door jamb studying the layout.

  “Luke Chambers makes his bed and there’s nary a sock on the floor. You’re pretty good at keeping the living quarters neat and tidy,” she commented with a small laugh.

  “I’m pretty good at a lot of things,” I replied smugly. Ignoring my response, she walked slowly into the room while gazing at the pictures on the wall before stopping at my desk.

  “I meant to ask you yesterday,” she began cautiously. “What’s the story behind the phoenix?”

  “It’s not very interesting,” I replied, trying not to sound like I was brushing her off.

  “It obviously means something to you,” she added, looking at me intently. “So it’s definitely worth hearing, but if you’d rather not talk about it, I understand.”

  The last thing I wanted to do was talk about any depressing shit so I managed a small smile, but didn’t elaborate on it. She continued on with her inspection of my things, flipping through the stacks of CDs I had organized next to my computer.

  “Did you download all of this from Napster?” she asked, examining the jewel cases.

  “Most of it.”

  “You have dial-up, right?” she added with a smirk.

  “What else would I have?” I replied, baffled by the direction of the conversation.

  “Must have taken a long time,” she mused. “Just don’t upload your music unless you plan on spending some time in the pokey. You’re just too pretty to go to prison, Luke.”

  “What are you talking about?” I meant the pretty part, but I didn’t know what her problem was with Napster either.

  “Just trust me,” she replied. “It doesn’t end well.”

  “And you know this…how?” I asked, not even attempting to hide my sarcasm.

  “Just trying to offer some advice,” she added, picking up a case. “Lots of hard rock here.” I decided against cracking any jokes about being rock hard. Hit too close to home.

  “I don’t see any Britney,” she teased. “Bet she has a tramp stamp, too.”

  “She’ll be in rehab in six months.” For some reason, Jillian found this hysterical.

  “She’s dating the kid from N’Sync, you know?”

  “Did the crystal ball tell you that, too?”

  “I have people, Luke,” she said with another laugh.

  “Are these real people, Jillian, or the ones you hear in your head?” I asked sarcastically. “What else do the voices tell you?”

  “That Meg White isn’t Jack’s sister. She’s his ex wife. Hey, do you really like Limp Bizkit or did you just download this accidentally? Because if you meant it, you just lost some serious cool points.”

  It became apparent that somewhere along the line, I lost control of this conversation, and I wasn’t going to let that shit happen again. She was facing me while she leaned back against my desk. Holding a CD in her hand, she continued reading the list of songs I’d recorded. I walked towards her, stopping only inches from where she stood. Her neck was tilted slightly and I was distracted by the smooth, pale skin. I had never left a mark on a girl before. Hickeys were an amateur’s calling card, but something about Jillian brought out the caveman in me. I couldn’t stop thinking about my lips on her neck.

  Moving closer, I reached behind her to grab a CD on the desk, leaning completely over her in the process. I heard a small gasp as she angled back further, fighting to create some distance between us. I stood back up and handed the CD to her, noticing that her face was flushed. The maneuver was worth it even though my dick was now making its own “hard as a rock” jokes.

  “You’ll like this one,” I said smirking, as I handed her the CD. It had some Buckcherry and Staind on it. “They’re pretty good.”

  I didn’t step back, standing closer than I would have under normal circumstances. The blush had yet to dissolve from her cheeks. As happy as I was to finally have an effect on her, it was working a little too well, and I was having flashbacks of the night before when she ran before I could kiss her. Now here she was in my bedroom, beautiful and blushing, staring at me with those deep brown eyes.

  “Jillian,” I said softly. She leaned towards me slightly, and I noticed that she seemed to be having a hard time breathing again. I tried regulating my own breath because I’d be damned if I let her get the best of me this time.

  “Yes.” Her response was barely audible. It was more of a sigh than a word.

  “You’re sitting on my Chili Peppers CD.”

  As soon as the words left my mouth, Jillian’s body jerked back. I didn’t even attempt to mask the smirk on my face, wanting her to know that whatever act she was putting on hadn’t fooled me. She was as into this as I was. I was sure of that now. I just couldn’t figure out if it was another guy or something else that was holding her back.

  I expected some type of snide comment or remark, even another shove. Instead, we seemed to be locked in some type of sick staring contest where neither one of us wanted to be the first to look away. It was probably only thirty seconds, but seemed so much longer. I only looked away when I heard Grace calling my name.

  “Are you still upstairs, Luke?” she yelled from the downstairs landing. “Dinner’s almost ready.”

  “Can’t keep auntie waiting,” I said softly before walking to the door. I was already halfway down the stairs before I heard her footsteps following.

  Grace was carrying a large plate of veal i
nto the dining room as Carter finished setting the table. I heard Jillian walk up behind me. I’m not done with you yet.

  “Sorry we took so long,” I announced. “Jillian really wanted to see my bedroom.” I stumbled forward as she shoved me in the back. Feisty.

  “So glad you could make it, Jillian,” Carter greeted her. “Have a seat.”

  She pulled out a chair and made herself comfortable. I took the seat next to her as Grace returned with a pitcher of lemonade.

  “So Jillian, Carter tells me that your Pad Thai was a success. What else do you enjoy making?” Grace asked enthusiastically.

  “Well,” she replied. “I took a class on making sushi. I don’t get to do it often, but it’s a lot of fun.”

  “How often do you get to…do it?” I asked before taking a bite and slowly pulling the fork out of my mouth.

  “Not nearly enough,” she sneered, glaring at me.

  “Well then, I have a great recipe for California Rolls for you to try,” Grace added, oblivious to the game I was playing.

  “So tell me, Jillian,” Carter chimed in, “where are you headed in the fall?”

  “NYU. I’m actually leaving in a few weeks. There’s a writing workshop that I’m taking part in so I’m staying after the Summer Freshman Orientation. I’m majoring in Journalism so it’s a good head start for me.”

  That news surprised me. I hadn’t realized that she was leaving before the end of the summer. I was going to Seattle on Sunday so I shouldn’t really care. I wouldn’t be around either, although if she was in Reynolds, she’d only be a few hours away.

  “NYU?” Carter sounded surprised and his eyes darted over to me. He needed to seriously stop that shit. “That’s a long way off.”

  “Some of my friends are going too so I won’t be all alone out there.”

  “I’m sure your parents will be anxious for you to come home to visit,” Grace added with a warm smile.

  “I’ll miss it here.” Her voice seemed far off. “But I’m excited about New York. I wish I had a little more time, though.”

  “That reminds me, Luke,” Grace interrupted. “Did you call Jonas to make arrangements for the move?”

  “I’ll call him tomorrow,” I replied quickly. I couldn’t focus on Seattle with Jillian sitting at the table. It was too much.

  As they continued questioning Jillian about her living arrangements and class schedule, I found myself getting more and more irritated by all of the New York talk. I couldn’t believe that it hadn’t come up just once that she was going to be leaving for the summer.

  When Grace brought out Jillian’s cheesecake, I decided to distract myself by torturing her a little more. While Carter and Grace discussed the merits of fruit toppings versus whipped cream, I seized my opportunity. Taking another hearty bite of the strawberry, I once again let the juice drip along the corner of my mouth. I took another quick bite and sucked at the spot where I had just bitten in, extracting the juice from it. When I looked up, Jillian was darting her tongue out towards the corner of her own mouth even though she hadn’t even taken a bite herself.

  “God, Jillian, these berries taste delicious. Sweet and juicy,” I groaned. I thought I heard a moan, but I wasn’t sure. She caught me watching her and squared her shoulders, playing it off like she hadn’t been staring at my lips.

  “So,” she began once she regained her composure, “are you really going to wear a tux or will you be showing up at my doorstep with your leather jacket on?”

  Crap.

  I heard the gasp from Grace first. “Luke! Are you taking Jillian to the prom?”

  “It’s not a big deal,” I explained. “Jillian has this friend…”

  “Oh my goodness!” she exclaimed, ignoring me entirely. “Jillian, you need to let me know what color you’re wearing so that Luke can get you a corsage. Oh, and Luke, we’ll need to make sure your tie matches, as well.”

  “What?! What do you mean we?”

  “Well, I’m coming with you to get measured,” she replied firmly. Um, no you’re not.

  “Grace, I think I have this under control,” I cautioned.

  “I think he’s perfectly capable, Grace,” Carter added while laughing.

  “I really think he may need my help, especially if he needs to choose a color—”

  “Actually,” Jillian interrupted. “I haven’t decided on a color, so he can probably hold off on getting the tie done tomorrow.”

  “Oh,” Grace added, clearly disappointed. “Well, I guess you can go on your own if they’re only measuring you. Do you have it narrowed down, Jillian? Maybe I could help?”

  Grace was nothing if not genuine, but I needed to intervene before this got out of control. Jillian was staring down at her empty plate uncomfortably. I decided that she had enough torture for the evening.

  “Actually, I promised I’d help Jillian with a final paper she’s working on. We should probably get started. I don’t want to put it off much longer.” Not catching on, Jillian looked at me curiously.

  “What’s it on, Jillian?” Carter asked. She froze for a minute, and I was about to spout off some bullshit before she beat me to it.

  “Um, it’s on…Joan of Arc,” she managed to reply. “I love…Joan.”

  “Oh, Joan of Arc,” he replied, as he raised his brows. “She was a remarkable girl.”

  “Yeah,” I replied looking at Jillian. She was.

  “Well, it was a pleasure meeting you,” Grace added. “And I’d love to see you all dressed up on Thursday. Maybe you could stop by here on the way?”

  “Of course,” she agreed. “I mean, if that’s okay with Luke.”

  “That’s fine,” I quickly replied because we needed to make our escape as soon as possible. “Let’s get out of here fast before she offers to take you dress shopping,” I whispered to her.

  Jillian said her goodbyes and headed toward the front door.

  “We’re going this way,” I corrected her as I walked through the kitchen.

  “That was a great save in there, Chambers,” she added. “You probably should’ve warned me to keep my mouth shut about the prom, though.”

  “No big deal,” I said as I opened the door to the garage. I grabbed my extra helmet and tossed it at her. She caught it and stared at it wide-eyed.

  “What are you doing?” she asked, panicking as I fastened mine on.

  “We’re leaving,” I replied.

  “On your bike?”

  It was nice to see her drop the bravado for a change. “What is it with you and my bike?”

  Swinging my leg over the seat, I sat down and looked over at her. She was still staring at it like she’d never seen a bike before.

  “You gonna hop on?” With a final look of determination, she strapped on the helmet and stood before me nervously.

  “Um, I don’t…I’ve never done this,” she stammered.

  “Put your left hand on my shoulder and swing your right leg over so you’re straddling the bike.” Or me, whichever you like.

  I braced myself for the impact and the assault on my senses. I knew I’d have to contend with the weight of her hand on my shoulder, the smell of perfume surrounding me, and the heat from her body as she struggled to get comfortable. I wanted it.

  “Hang on,” I added, adjusting to the feeling of her body molded against mine. She placed her hands lightly on my hips. I knew once we took off, her grip would tighten and I would lose my mind, but I wanted this. I wanted to feel her wrapped around me.

  I hopped up to kick-start the bike and felt the familiar rumble. Jillian tensed up behind me. I knew where I was taking her. I just didn’t know if it was the right call.

  “Remember,” I called over the roar of the engine, “hold on tight.”

  Just as I suspected, as I took off out of the garage, Jillian let out a small yelp and wrapped her arms tightly around my waist. My need for the girl made me dizzy.

  “Where are we going?” she yelled from behind me.

  “You wanted
to know about my tattoo,” I replied. “I’m gonna show you.”

  I headed for the cliffs and prepared to tell her what I hadn’t spoken about in almost five years.

  CHAPTER 11

  Luke

  I could find my way to the cliffs blindfolded. Coming here with Carter as often as I had, I knew the landmarks as if they were in my own backyard. With Jillian trailing behind me, I ducked under the bushes in the corner of the parking lot and walked along the trail towards the hollowed out tree I’d passed many times. In silence, we followed the path as it twisted and turned before slowly giving way to a clearing, hidden away from the highway not two miles from here.

  No matter when I came here, alone or with Carter, it was always completely undisturbed, free from discarded bottles of Ole English and cigarette butts. Maybe there were others who chucked their trash off the ledge and sent it plummeting into the ocean below. Maybe we weren’t the only ones who came here. But it felt that way.

  Once the path opened to the rocky ledge, I heard a gasp from behind me. “We haven’t been walking very long,” she marveled. “I couldn’t even hear the waves from where we parked.”

  “I know. It’s crazy,” I replied, looking up at the sky. It wasn’t dark enough yet. “It’s completely silent. That’s one of things I love about this place.”

  “I don’t understand, though. What does this have to do with your tattoo?” she asked. She sounded so sincere. It seemed like such a crime to dampen the mood, but she had asked so I’d tell.

  “It has a lot to do with Carter. I didn’t always live with them…Grace and Carter,” I began slowly. “I moved here when I was thirteen. Before that I lived in a small suburb a few hours outside of Boston with my parents. My dad is…was…Carter’s brother.”

  I glanced over to gauge her reaction. She sat down cross-legged on a small patch of grass by the rocky ledge with her gaze fixed on me. Our conversations were usually pretty light, and I didn’t know if she had any idea what she was getting into by asking the questions she had. She seemed anxious to hear the rest so I sat down next to her and took a deep breath before continuing.

  “My parents probably shouldn’t have gotten married. I’m obviously not an expert on marriage so I’m not judging anyone, but they really weren’t…right,” I began, struggling to find the words. It had been so long since I had spoken about them to anyone aside from Carter. It wasn’t easy to say certain things out loud, even this many years later.