Thirsty

by Joel Creasey

  I read this, turned to everyone in the booth and yelled, ‘I fucking hate humans!’

  People watching at home were completely unaware that we were in a hot little box in Ukraine, people yelling at us, people grabbing at cords, unable to hear each other, all the weeks of preparation and notes totally out the window – it was seriously a nightmare. All the jokes I’d planned, gone. It was one of those horror days at work. And it devastated us, because we so badly wanted to do a great job.

  The broadcast finished at around 1 am, after which we filmed a cross to Karl Stefanovic and Lisa Wilkinson on The Today Show, where the line dropped in and out once again. Completely shattered, being smashed online, shaking and at times in tears, Myf and I sat silently beside each other in the delegation bus back to the hotel. Some producers (all of whom were lovely) kindly asked if we wanted to have a drink, which we declined, going instead to Myf’s hotel room where we decompressed with a beer and a Xanax.

  Then I went back to my hotel room and collapsed into bed as my phone was flooded with messages along the lines of: ‘Thanks for ruining Eurovision, arsehole!’ (Which I thought was a bit harsh coming from my grandma.)

  The great part about that first night is that Myf and I realised the next day (over a dirty burger at the local fast food joint ‘Star Burger’ around the corner) was it literally could not get worse than that. Nothing more could actually go wrong, our show could really only go up from here.

  During the second semi-final, our commentary booth was watched like a hawk. We could’ve had the Crown Jewels in there and they would’ve been perfectly safe. And by the grand final, we were flying and the sentiment online had begun to change as we won them back.

  It’s funny, but when something goes wrong during a TV or radio broadcast, people assume it’s all the fault of the hosts, because you’re the face of the program. People genuinely thought it was Myf and me who had patched our commentary booth wrong. We are only people who talk for a living. I don’t know what plug goes in where. Just ask the first (and last) girl I slept with. She’ll tell you.

  Our disastrous first night in the commentary booth aside, Eurovision was some of the best fun I’ve ever had. I was delighted to return to Australia where people would stop me on the streets to discuss their favourite acts or Slavko’s ponytail. And I was thrilled to make a friend for life in Myf.

  After Eurovision, my publisher called me and told me that I really needed to finish my book, as it was now a year overdue. I responded by saying, ‘Well, if I’d delivered it on time, you’d never have had that exciting Eurovision story, would you?’

  They didn’t reply, so I figured I’d better just shut up and get on with it. And that’s where I leave you.

  I’m not an author, I’m not an intellectual, I’m not an actor or singer or philosopher, I’m just a boy from Perth who loves to show off and tell jokes. So I’m really not sure how to wrap up a book. I tweeted JK Rowling and asked for advice but she never responded. She’s a bit busy trolling Donald Trump to be honest.

  So I thought I’d end with ten interesting facts about me that I haven’t covered in the book. It was either that or an acrostic poem. But I thought that might be pushing it.

  1. I did, at one stage in my life, have my boat licence. I love boats and we had one for many years growing up. Getting my licence meant I could drive the family boat that we used to go to Rottnest Island off the coast of Western Australia for summer holidays on. Our longest and most beloved boat was called Anacapri – a 44-foot Randall that we’d renovated. My dad managed to run it aground on a sandbank on our first trip . . . only metres away from the yacht club. I believe the story is now legend and Dad’s mates still tease him about it.

  2. I am rather obsessed with the actress Jessica Chastain. I think she is one of the most beautiful people on the planet and check her Instagram every second day just to stare at photos of her. Is that weird? It’s a bit weird, isn’t it?

  3. When I was twelve years old I owned my own business. I decided I wanted to be a DJ and got a loan from Mum and Dad to buy the equipment. I used to DJ family friends’ functions under my official DJ and business name ‘Joel Jivin’. I started to get bookings for school discos and when I ‘retired’ at age fourteen, I had quite an impressive system. Dad used to drop me off at the discos and help me set up. At times I was getting a couple of hundred bucks a gig! There wasn’t that much to it – I just played the So Fresh 2002 album and said no to anyone who requested anything else.

  4. I wear a bracelet or a ring of some description on my left hand when I’m on stage. I’m not sure why, but I can’t go on without it now. On the rare occasion where I’ve forgotten to wear one, I quickly grab anything I can find backstage – an elastic band, a piece of string – and whack it on.

  5. I’m allergic to mango. How exotic and pathetic at the same time. I discovered this rather awkwardly when I was eighteen years old and flirting with a boy around a hotel pool. We ordered mango daiquiris (in case there was any confusion over our sexuality), which they made with fresh mangos, and I started to blow up in all the wrong places. It’s safe to say the date didn’t end with us getting it on. I am quite embarrassed to tell people about my mango allergy because I realise how silly it is and often think I’d rather have the reaction to the mango than the reaction I get when I tell people. The most perplexing part is I don’t know how I got through eighteen years of life without trying a mango! I blame Jenny.

  6. I am quite the aviation geek. I love planes and always have. At one point I even entertained the idea of being a pilot. I still do, really. I could be Australia’s answer to John Travolta, but with my original face. If you point to an aircraft I can probably name what make and model it is. Given that I fly so often, I actually love going to the airport and instead of sitting in the lounge, I’ll sit by the departure gate and watch the airlines (particularly the international ones) come in and out. I also . . . um . . . oh God . . . I also collect plane figurines. There! I said it.

  7. I’ve mentioned earlier in the book that I love drag and drag queens. I should just clarify I will never do drag myself. I’m afraid I’ll love it too much and will never get out of drag. My drag name would be Sara Tonin. She would never show up for work on a Sunday and be a total nightmare of a person on a Wednesday.

  8. I once vomited in a bin in Times Square on the way home from a one-night stand. I was also missing a shoe, and a bunch of tourists asked me to take their photo before they realised what a wreck I was and quickly hurried away. Is it bad that I’m proud of this story?

  9. People who say, ‘I’ll give it one hundred and ten per cent’ annoy me. You can’t have more than one hundred per cent. If you just give it one hundred per cent, I’ll be thrilled. If you give me one hundred and ten per cent you’re giving me something I didn’t ask for. Also, people who scuff their feet – please pick up your feet. It’ll ruin your shoes and it just looks silly.

  10. I once smacked Barry Humphries on the bottom on stage and it was one of the proudest achievements of my life. I’ve also pashed Magda Szubanski on stage, held hands with Joan Rivers and been slapped by three separate Real Housewives.

  So there you go. That’s it. I’m not sure what else to tell you. All I can say is thank you for reading this. Thank you for (hopefully) enjoying this. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for letting me LIVE MY BEST LIFE (okay, I’m getting a bit Dr Phil now) and thank you for helping me on my quest for fame, fortune and world domination.

  I need to stop writing now because I’m rambling.

  Really. I must stop.

  Now.

  Ever your humble(ish) court jester,

  Joel x

  What a poser.

  My family: Mum and Dad, me, Alice (centre) and Holly (right).

  A typical Creasey family photo with my grandparents.

  Hair game on fleek.

  I was always a big Ginger Spice fan.

  Wearing my sister’s uniform better than she did.

  My short-liv
ed career with Applecross footy.

  Keeping busy.

  Livening up my parents’ dinner parties as Magical Mafisto.

  Check out the popped leg with Daniel and Ashleigh.

  On stage at North Lake Children’s Theatre.

  I loved tennis for years, until it got in the way of my quest for stardom.

  Mixed doubles dream team with my partner Holly Brindle.

  Just a ball boy at the Hopman Cup, about to profess his true love to Kim Clijsters.

  My first Montreal Gala, televised and everything!

  The fierce world of Hong Kong karaoke. L to R: Me, the mic-hogging host, Anne Edmonds, Luke McGregor.

  My ‘shirtless spread’, still doing the rounds on other peoples’ Grindr profiles I might add.

  Costume party with my friend Kyle.

  After a Gala with Mum.

  My business partner, comfort blanket and writing soulmate Janelle Koenig.

  With Thomas.

  With Thomas (in drag).

  The gay coven. (Gay comedians assemble!) L to R: Craig Hill, me, Stephen K. Amos, Paul Foot, Rhys Nicholson.

  A night at Adele with this power posse. L to R: Nazeem Hussain, me, Urzila Carlson, Julia Morris.

  My best friend Chrissie Swan.

  Pashing Magda Szubanski.

  God.

  Cuddles with Carrie Fisher.

  On stage . . . What was I saying?

  Hosting Eurovision 2017 with Myf Warhurst.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  Many thanks to my whip-cracker and partner-in-crime Janelle Koenig. My gorgeous family, Mum, Dad, Holly, Alice, Nan, Pop and Bella. My management team Melissa Le Gear, Mark Klemens and the smokin’ hot team at Profile Talent. Bec Sutherland, Katie Minchin and the babes at Live Nation Australasia. Mr Andrew Taylor, Heather Tyas and Jeff Green. My life partners and the best friends a narcissist could wish for, Ashleigh Bell and Thomas Jaspers, not to mention the divine Kyle Minall, Brad Donovan, Max Corstophan, Chrissie Swan, Bradley John, Em Rusciano, Jack Stratton-Smith, Lynette McGivern, Carlos Mangubat, Marita McCausland, Bec Williams, Laura Ruddle, Di Rolle, Fiona O’Loughlin, Matt Gilbertson and Karl Chandler. My personal trainer Andy Brand, and the only man who will ever touch my hair, Stavros Tavrou, and the team at Rakis. My airbrusher Shannon Dean (I’m actually 67), Matt Wood, and my US manager Jodi Lieberman. The people who always make sure I’m kept out of scandal, Kelly Black and Karen Griffin – thanks, or please let me have just one? Haven’t decided. Susan Provan, Bridget Bantick, Gideon James and the wonderful people at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Andy Mac and Nicole Dixon at Rocket Science and Ted Robinson at Good News Week Productions. Thanks also to Brad and Fiona Stannard, John and Jane McAllister at the Comedy Lounge in Perth, and Greg Brindle and David Steadman.

  To every single person who has bought this book or ever bought a ticket to see me live, stopped me on the street and told me I’m funny, asked for a photo or even given me a big wave . . . thank you a million times over. To Jeffery and every man who has broken my heart . . . cheers for the material. To my gorgeous publishers who made this happen, Roberta Ivers, Fiona Henderson, Dan Ruffino, Anabel Pandiella at Simon & Schuster and editor Kylie Mason – thank you! And thank you to Celine Dion for guiding me through the darkest of days with your bizarre talk-show appearances, outrageous fashion statements and flawless vocal performances.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  JOEL CREASEY has known he wanted to be on the world’s stage since he was in short pants, and nothing was going to get in his way. After his first stand-up performance at 17, he had to follow his dream – that is, to always have the spotlight on him.

  SIMON & SCHUSTER

  simonandschuster.com.au

  authors.simonandschuster.com/Joel-Creasey

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  THIRSTY: CONFESSIONS OF A FAME WHORE

  First published in Australia in 2017 by

  Simon & Schuster (Australia) Pty Limited

  Suite 19A, Level 1, Building C, 450 Miller Street, Cammeray, NSW 2062

  A CBS Company

  Sydney New York London Toronto New Delhi

  Visit our website at www.simonandschuster.com.au

  © Joel Creasey 2017

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission of the publisher.

  National Library of Australia Cataloguing-in-Publication entry

  Creator: Creasy, Joel, author.

  Title: Thirsty: Confessions of a fame whore/Joel Creasy

  ISBN: 9781925310771 (paperback)

        9781925310788 (ebook)

  Subjects: Creasey, Joel.

           Comedians—Australia—Biography.

           Entertainers—Australia—Anecdotes.

  Cover design: Christabella Designs

  Cover photograph: Mark Lobo Photography

  Typeset by Midland Typesetters, Australia