I expected my family to finally come around after the first month and started nagging me about not caring about them enough to visit, however, that was not the case. I heard from my parents, but it was only to ask if I was OK. They asked no further questions and I provided no further information. My siblings were a different matter. They were still on the attack, letting me know how selfish I was for hurting the family and not even caring. It was becoming too much to handle and Kathy had to step in and shut down all communication with them in order to protect me and the baby. My phone number was changed, and I used a private line to contact my parents and my grandmother, however, they had been so cold toward me that I had stopped calling altogether.
My family had no idea I was pregnant and I planned on telling my parents soon. Depending on their responses, I would know whether or not I was completely exiled from the family. At this point, I would rather them be overbearing and doting than the silence I was experiencing with them. I knew they would be shocked that I was having a relationship with a woman, but I did not believe that they would be upset about it for so long and wanted nothing to do with my wife. It was so unnecessary and stupid of them to cut me off because of their primitive beliefs. A part of me was grateful that they took this stand because Kathy and I could get a chance to live our life without their meddling, but the other part of me missed them and wished they could be a part of my experiences.
I took a sip of my water and came out of the pool then laid on the chair in the shade because the sun had become too hot for me to handle. I picked up my phone and as always there were no messages because no one had my number. I looked through the photos and smiled at all the silly pictures I took with Kathy. There was a beautiful one of the completed nursery that was fit for the princess our baby was destined to be because Kathy made no secret of her intent to spoil our daughter. I caressed my belly and smiled at how lucky my baby was to have Kathy as her mother, and to have grandparents who would spoil her worse than we would. They weren’t a part of the experience now, but I was confident that they would be because they wanted to. That was different from what I was facing with my family.
I closed the phone and closed my eyes. So many images were running through my head. It felt good to be home and not having to rush to work, which Kathy told me would happen, but I was not used to it. After I left my job, which was a drama in itself, she had taken me on back to back vacations, even as we prepared for our pregnancy. The first one to Kuala Lumpur, I spent most of that time talking about how disappointed the people at my job were to find out that I was leaving. I didn’t understand why they were so mean and spreading false rumors about my marriage but wanted me to stay just the same. Kathy said they hated the fact that I was putting an end to their entertainment, then added jokingly that they were just jealous that I hit the jackpot. I smiled at the memory.
I heard Kathy opened the door to the pool and turned my head so she would realize that I wasn’t sleeping. She sat beside me and gave me a long kiss then smiled at me with so much love like she always did.
“I can’t believe you’re mine. It still gets me,” she whispered as she caressed my hair.
“Will we tell our daughter how we met?”
“Never. Maybe when she becomes an adult. It’s not high on my list of things to tell her about my past,” she said, and I felt bad for causing the smile to disappear from her lips. “Will you?”
“Only if and when you’re ready.”
“I’ve made a decision on her name,” she said and the smile returned.
“I was so sure she was going to be walking around nameless. Kat, we have been through a hundred. Just name her whatever you want and I’ll be fine with it.”
“See, that’s the attitude your mother had why you ended up being named River,” she said, and I laughed.
“OK. Let’s hear it.”
“Lucille, and we’ll call her Lucy,” she said excitedly, and I went up on one elbow.
“Are you out of your mind?” I asked in disbelief at her choice. “Really? No way my baby will be named Lucille.”
“Oh my God! Why do you shut down every fabulous name I decide on?”
“That name is not fabulous.”
“Do you have one in mind?” Kathy asked.
“I’ve had numerous in mind and you said no to them all. Now, I’m blank.”
“Let me think,” she said and started playing with the ring her grandmother gave her, a habit she was unable to break out of whenever she was concentrating.
“I have a brilliant idea!” I shouted and her head popped up.
“What?”
“Let’s name her after your grandmother! What was her name?” I asked and Kathy’s face lit up.
“Elizabeth.”
“Love it!”
“Hate it! I love it for my grandmother but not for my daughter.”
“Lizzie! Lizzie-Mae Poland!”
“Love it!” she cried out and my heart rejoiced. Months of back and forth had finally come to an end.
“You are a genius! Oh my God, I love it! Lizzie-Mae...no,” Fuck! What was it this time?! “I don’t want it hyphenated. “I want it like mine; separate. Lizzie Mae Poland.”
“Kathy Mae Poland and Lizzie Mae Poland. I realize I am left out of this whole naming put-together, including no mention of the Callaways.”
“Oh baby, I’m sorry. We could add Callaway. Lizzie Mae Callaway-Poland,” she said.
“Poor girl. No. I was just kidding,” I said and smiled.
“Are you sure?”
“Babe, I don’t even have Callaway anymore. Good thing my parents and I are not on good terms because they would be so mad that I dropped the family name.”
Silence followed as it did every time I mentioned my family. Kathy felt horrible that they were not a part of our lives because she believed so much in family. She felt worse about mine than hers because she knew all she had to do was open the door to them and all would be fine.
“Why don’t you tell them about the baby? Maybe that would bridge, or at least, narrow the gap,” she suggested.
“Remember you had to change my number…”
“I know but that didn’t mean we wouldn’t try again.”
“OK. I’ll think about it,” I replied.
Kathy kissed my belly then kissed me.
“Don’t wait, babe. Do it now,” she said and handed me my phone.
I started to panic because it would be the end if they rejected my baby too, but I couldn’t let Kathy see that on my face, so I smiled and nodded.
I decided to call my mother’s number instead of my dad’s.
“Hello,” she greeted.
“Hi, Mom.”
“River! Oh my God!” she exclaimed. “Hogan! Come. It’s River!”
“River?” he asked in surprise and I felt so bad because they must have been wondering about me for months.
“River, did you change your number?” my mother asked, and I was ashamed to admit that I did.
“I had to.”
“That was a selfish and horrible thing to do, River,” my mother started. “We did not raise you this way. How could you do this to us when you know we would be trying to reach you and would get worried if we couldn’t.”
“How did you expect me to react when you rejected me and my wife…”
“Do not throw your ungodly life in our faces, River!” she attacked, and I breathed slowly.
It took everything out of me to not end the call, but Kathy was encouraging me along, rubbing my belly to remind me of the reason I called them.
“I called you guys for a reason,” I started.
“You’re getting a divorce?”
“No, Mom. Kathy and I love each other,” I said then continued. “I’m pregnant.”
“What?!” Both my parents exclaimed at the same time.
“Almost six months, and I hate the fact that you are not a part of it.”
“What do you mean you’re pregnant?” she asked excitedly. “Rive
r! Oh my God! Are you really pregnant?”
“I am, Mom.”
“Congratulations, River,” my dad said laughing. “I’m happy for you...but how did this happen?”
“Is it a boy or a girl?” my mom asked.
“A girl.”
“Our granddaughter!” she laughed and clapped her hands, and I could see her in my mind’s eye because I knew all her expressions.
“How did you get pregnant?” my dad asked. “You're married to a woman."
"There are ways, Dad."
"It's our granddaughter, Hogan," my mom said. "It doesn't matter how."
My parents were getting too excited and it was making me nervous. I decided that I needed to tell them the whole truth and if they were still excited after that then they earned my forgiveness, and I would welcome them into our life. Kathy knew what I was about to do and shook her head in objection but I had to do it because when the baby came with her big eyes and dark hair, they were going to know that something went down and that would be a whole new set of drama.
"So what they did was fertilized Kathy's eggs and…."
"Wait...what?" my mother was shocked out of her happy moment. "What the hell was wrong with your eggs?"
"Nothing, but it didn't matter whose eggs we used, we are both the parents.'
"Then if it didn't matter, why the hell didn't you use yours?!" the volume went up.
"She's prettier," I said, and Kathy rolled her eyes and fell onto my chest.
"So we should accept that baby as our grandchild when it doesn't have your DNA?"
"If I used my eggs then she and her family would have to accept it as theirs, so what's the difference?"
"This is the reason why we shouldn't marry the same gender!" my mother gave out.
"I'm sorry, River, but this is not our grandchild," my dad sank the knife deep into my soul.
"Wait until your sisters and brother hear about this," my mother said. "There is something mentally wrong with you and you need to…"
Kathy took the phone away from me and disconnected the call. I was grateful because I did not have the strength to do it. She hugged me to her as I cried.
"It's OK, baby. I'm here. I'll always be here," Kathy said, as I cried in her arms. “I won’t ask you to do this anymore. I’m sorry I took so long to get it. Now I do.”
This rejection was more painful than all the others, and I realized that Kathy and our baby were all I had. It was over. Never again would I contact them, and I was happy I had decided not to bring them to my home to meet my wife. Therefore, they had no idea where to find me, if they would even try.
"I'm not doing this anymore, Kat," I cried.
"I agree, honey. It'll be OK. I'll take care of you and I won't let anything happen to you. I promise," she said and held me tight. "Come on. Let me run you a nice warm bath, and I'm taking you on a date tonight."
"Really? Where are we going?" I asked as I looked into her eyes, tears still running down my face.
"It's a surprise," she smiled and wiped my eyes.
"I love your surprises," I said as Kathy helped me to my feet.
"And I have an even bigger surprise when we get into bed tonight," she said and kissed me.
"My favorite."
Kathy led me upstairs and made my warm bath. She helped me in because she knew this was therapy for me. A warm bath had the power to ease my mind and soothe my soul, but Kathy was always worried that I would fall asleep and slip under so she would sit and read while I soaked. However, I started to demand my alone time.
"Do you need your alone time?" she asked and I nodded, so she kissed me and left.
I settled deeper into the water then tried to block my family from my mind. I was successful for the first ten minutes then the shadows reappear, refusing to let me go.
I had a brand new life on the way and I tried to focus on that.
"Hi, Lizzie," I smiled and caressed my belly. "You and your mommy are my world."
I started crying again, and I wished Kat had stayed with me.
"Kat!" I called as I cried, hoping she was in the bedroom. "Kat!" I called again, but nothing.
I was feeling very emotional and overwhelmed, and wanted Kathy to stay with me, but she was somewhere in the house and could not hear me. I rinsed the bubbles off my body and slipped into a robe to go get her, and I hoped she was not further than the balcony outside our bedroom.
“Kat?” I called as I entered the bedroom, but she was not there nor was she on the balcony.
I headed out of the bedroom and pressed the button for the elevator but it was not working. This had never happened before. It was as if the buttons were locked. I went to the nursery to see if she was rocking in Lizzie’s chair like she always did, but she was not there either. I decided to do something I had never done before and was not looking forward to doing; I had to take the stairs. I tried to be careful because I did not want to tumble down in my condition.
As I got to the top of the stairs, I heard a man’s voice, then I heard Kathy’s. It was her father! I was so happy that she let him in. It sounded like they were arguing, but even that was better than the silence between them.
“I already made myself clear to you. I will protect my family at all costs, even from you,” she said through clenched teeth.
“But can you protect her from the public, Kathy? I was trying to tell you this would happen. Look at this!” he said and pulled a magazine from inside his jacket. “Look! Have you told her?”
“I don’t need to,” Kathy said, and inside me went cold at the fact that she had been keeping secrets from me.
I wasn’t upset with her because she might have been trying to save me from anything traumatic because I was pregnant, however, she should have found a way to let me in on what was happening. Poor Kathy. She had a lot of anxieties about me, the baby, her family, my family, just a lot going on at once.
“So you are going to keep her in the dark forever?” he asked.
“I’m not keeping her in the dark, I’m protecting her and our baby. My wife is taking a bath and I am going to make sure she’s OK. You need to leave,” she said angrily, and I almost asked her to let him stay but decided not to interfere because she had never done that with me and my family.
“We have to fix things, Kat,” he said in desperation. “You are my little girl, and I love you with all my heart. I was just trying to protect you because I just didn’t think it was wise to bring the juror from your trial into your life knowing what you and I know.”
What you and I know? What did they know? What are they talking about?
“I love her.”
“I understand that, but…”
“She saved me. I almost went to prison because of you and she saved me. You should have been the one on trial, and I endured that hell because of you. I got a second chance and it came with love and a family that you rejected, so leave me alone.”
“So this is how it will be between us? You will never forgive me?” he asked.
“I’m sure I will, Dad. I just can’t focus on you right now,” Kathy said. “Please leave.”
Chapter 15
I had slid to the floor with my hands over my mouth as I held my cries in. My entire body shook in fear. I needed to get away so Kathy and her father wouldn’t notice me standing there because the last thing I wanted was for them to know that I overheard them. However, I could not stand up. I pulled myself back on the wooden floor until I was out of sight then held onto the wall and stumbled into the bedroom.
“Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God...what have I done?”
I could not see because the more I wiped the tears from my eyes, the more they sprang forth. I needed to think...but I couldn’t. I needed to leave. I went into the closet, but the suitcases were stored somewhere else, so I chose a travel bag then ran to my chest of drawers and started pulling clothes out. Maybe I shouldn’t take any clothes with me because Kathy would never allow me to leave with a bag of clothes without asking questions
. I returned the bag to the closet and tried to fold the clothes neatly as they were before, so I could return them to the drawer, but I was too late.
“What are you doing?” Kathy chuckled. “Are you trying to find something, honey?”
“Yes...I’m...there’s a top,” I said, as I continued to fold and not look at her.
“Those don’t fit you anymore, babe. Your maternity tops are in this drawer,” she said. “Let me choose something pretty for you.”
I continued to fold because I did not want to look up at her because the fucking tears would not stop running from my eyes, and it was impossible to stop shaking.
“Leave those, honey. Rita will take care of them,” she said and started putting them back into the drawer. “I thought you were going to take a long warm bath.”
“I have to go to the bathroom,” I said and quickly turned away so she wouldn’t see my eyes.
“Are you OK?”
“Yes,” I replied.
As soon as I stepped into the bathroom, I locked the door. I needed time to calm down, so that I could think how to get out of here without Kathy knowing that I heard her conversation with her father. I didn’t want to process what I heard because I would not be able to pull this off.
“Honey?” Kathy called and tried the handle of the door. “Why is the door locked? Open the door.”
“Give me a moment,” I said in as calm a voice as I could manage.
“I’m right here. Just let me know if you need help, OK?”
“OK. Thanks, babe.”
I looked down on the ring that she placed on my finger on our wedding day, and I wanted to throw it as far away from me as I could. It might have been an intuition that prevented me from getting rid of my apartment, no matter how much she begged. She knew where it was, but I could just ask that she not be allowed in. Well, she has a key if the security was not as his post and she made her way up, however, I could lock the door from the inside and she would not be able to get in. I had to play this carefully because if she and her father found out that I knew their secret, my family would be in danger because Kathy knew where to find them. Look at what they did to that poor woman. They could be capable of so much worse and would probably harm my parents to keep me from talking.
The Juror Page 15