I washed my face and took a deep breath, but nothing could get the tears to stop. I opened my eyes under the running water, but it did not help.
“Baby?” she called and I did not answer. “I’m getting nervous. Are you OK?”
“Yes, I am.”
“But why don’t you want me to come in?”
It was starting to look suspicious because I had never done this before. I would just have to let her in and play off my crying as something hormonal. I opened the door.
“Oh my God! Honey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” she asked as she brushed my wet hair from my face.
I didn’t want her touching me. Her hands felt cold, and I refused to look into her eyes.
“I don’t know...I’m just a little...I just need to get some air,” I said and walked away from her.
I took a dress from the closet and slipped into it and Kathy brought panties and held them for me to step in. I did, but took them from her hands and pulled them up.
“Riv...do you need me to do something?” she asked worriedly.
“No. I’m going out for a drive…”
“I could go with you,” she offered.
“No. I just want to be alone for a moment.”
“OK. Remember we have a date tonight,” she said. “So don’t be too long, OK?”
“OK,” I replied and left without brushing my hair.
Kathy followed me to the brand new BMW she had bought me, and I wished I hadn’t gotten rid of my old car. I didn’t feel safe and everything that had to do with her was making me extremely uncomfortable.
“Baby, please be careful,” Kathy said as I sat around the wheel. “Do you have your phone with you?”
“Yes,” I said and avoided looking at her.
She leaned in for a kiss but I did not offer my lips, so she kissed me on the cheek. The feel of her lips against me was like ice, and I just wanted to scream at her to leave me the fuck alone.
“Pregnancy is hard, honey, but you are not alone,” she whispered on my face. “I’m here for you. Just tell me how you’re feeling and we will work it out together, OK?”
“OK,” I said and she stood up and closed the door.
I pressed the button for the garage door to open and drove out onto the long driveway of the house I used to call home. I pulled onto the main road and screamed as loud as I could.
“Fuuuuuuuuuuuck!” I yelled and started crying. “She is fucking guilty! I let her walk fucking free and let her into my fucking life!”
I cried so hard that I could no longer see the road so I pulled over to the side.
“I married her!” I cried and ripped her ring off my finger and threw it against the screen. “I’m fucking carrying her child...her life inside of me!”
I tugged at my belly, not wanting the baby to be there anymore. But there was nothing I could do about it, and I felt violated that she deceptively planted her child inside of me and I was being forced to keep it there. Maybe an abortion. How old was too old? No. She would kill us all.
“What have I done?!”
I took deep breaths and tried to calm down but I could not stop crying. I could not think because the pain in my soul was so all-consuming that I could not concentrate on what to do next. Was it best to talk this through with her then let her know that I could no longer be in this marriage? Should I just keep this to myself and pretend that all was well? That, I know for sure, was impossible. I could never pull that off. If I let her know that I know, she would tell her father and he would encourage her to get rid of me, and if she didn’t, then he would. My life and the life of my family were in danger, no matter which way I looked at it.
I started to have flashbacks to the deliberations. All the other jurors were convinced she had something to do with the crime. I convinced them that it was not our job to send someone to prison without being sure that they were guilty, and it was up to the prosecutors to convince us of that. I told them how sloppy and lazy the prosecutors were and there was not enough evidence to convict Kathy. They saw what I could not see. I was wrong. I made a mistake.
“Noooooooo!” I cried out again. “Kathyyyyyyy!”
How could this be? How could I fall in love with someone so cruel that she would beat a woman, permanently damaging her physical abilities and appearance? How could I be married to someone like that when I did not possess a violent bone inside my body? I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Her father said something about the tabloids, which Kathy had kept from me and said she was just protecting me. What was the story in the tabloid he held up? I could easily guess that it was about the juror who married the defendant. Maybe they were questioning whether or not we knew each other before.
I wanted to escape and go as far away from Kathy as possible, but there were so many things that would not allow me to just run away. One, I was legally tied to her. Two, my family could be in danger if they knew that I was aware of their secret. Three, I was carrying Kathy's child and there were legal rights that she had to the baby. Four, I had no idea what investigations were going on behind my back. There were so many reasons, and at this point, it made more sense to know what I was up against. I could be leaving blindly without the knowledge I needed to protect myself.
I could just have the baby and give her to Kathy then ask her for a divorce. I could tell her that I was no longer in love with her and thought it would be best if we went our separate ways. That could work. I just had to hold it together for another fourteen weeks then maybe three more to breastfeed...fuck! Every angle I looked at it, there was no way out except to confront Kathy about what I heard, then give her a chance to explain and to understand the reason why I could no longer be with her. I could no longer feel that love I had for her and wondered if it was real in the first place, or if anger was not letting me feel that at the moment.
I wiped my tears and turned the car around. I was married to the woman and was having a child with her, so running away was not the best solution. In fate’s twisted game, it made me carry the baby instead of Kathy. If she was the one pregnant, I would be gone and wouldn’t have to worry about anything except a divorce. I had to get answers then make a decision about the future as it related to the child because, at this point, I just wanted to give birth and hand the baby over to her.
As I got closer to the house, my heart began to race and I was not sure if all of this was good for the baby. Probably not. I had never regretted anything in my life like how I regretted using Kathy’s eggs. If I had used mine, I could just...no, she would still be legally the other parent and would want to be in the baby’s life. Because she loved me so it wouldn’t matter to her whose biological child it was.
Yes. Kathy loved me, and that was the only thing I was absolutely sure of. She made a good choice in falling in love with me, despite what her father said, but I made a terrible choice in falling in love with her. Her father’s words had come to pass. He knew it was a risk with her marrying me because the chance of me finding out was extremely high, and she was mad at him, yet here we are. He predicted the negative publicity she would get from this and that also became a reality. This whole nightmare, I could never have predicted because I thought I had found paradise with Kathy, and she loved me so much that it would be impossible for anything to go wrong. Now my paradise was going up in flames.
I drove into the garage and Kathy burst the door open and ran to me. This would usually bring the biggest smile to my face, but now it only brought on sadness. She tugged on the door handle that was still locked because I didn’t want to face her. I didn’t trust myself to keep a cool head and pretend that I didn’t overhear them so that I could take some time to think about the best way to approach this nightmare. I fought hard to remember my earlier decision. Right. I had to talk to her about it in case there were any legal matters that I needed to be aware of so that I was not blindsided when investigators turned up at my door.
“Riv, open the door,” Kathy kept saying, but I kept it locked. “River
, please, honey. What’s wrong?”
I knew I had to go out to her and there was no point delaying the inevitable, but I didn’t want her touching me or even being in the same space with me. I felt like such an idiot that Kathy was guilty all along, and I let her off the hook. She must have been laughing at me the whole time thinking how stupid I was. I kept talking to her about her innocence and she never said a word, instead, she played along, telling me how grateful she was that I set her free. She married me knowing the secret she kept and the betrayal burned deep inside me.
“River! Open the door right now!” Kathy shouted and that was when I realized the tears were running down my face.
I opened the door and tried to get out to run to one of the guest rooms and lock myself inside, but Kathy held on to me.
“Oh my God, River, what’s wrong? Why are you crying? Is the baby OK?” she asked worriedly.
“Let go,” I said, pulling away from her. “I need to be alone for a second.”
“Riv, you’re scaring me,” she said walking behind me as I entered the house. “Riv, what’s wrong?”
I could hear her voice trembling and I was not sure if that was because she realized that I knew or if she was just concerned for me. I couldn’t let her believe that I knew because I didn’t want her to call her father so they could plot my death. The first thing was to convince her that I was fine, so I stopped and slowly turned to face her, looking in her eyes for the first time since I overheard the conversation. She was worried. I knew her concerned look, and I knew her look of love. They were both in her eyes. I didn’t know the evil side of her that would beat a woman to a pulp; I only knew the good side of her. Those eyes were what caused me to make such a horrible mistake; they caused me to lose my sense of duty and my ability to see her for what she was.
“I’m fine, Kat,” I said gently and I wondered if she had the ability to read my eyes the way I could hers.
“Then why are you crying, honey?” she said, caressing my face.
“I don’t know. I guess it's...hormones,” I lied.
“It’s OK, baby. Let me take you to bed, and I’ll bring you some toast,” she said because during the early stages of my pregnancy, the only thing that could make me feel better was a huge plate of toast with butter.
“No...I’m going to stay in one of the guest rooms…”
“What?” she asked, shocked.
“I just can’t be around anybody right now. I just want to be alone.”
“Absolutely not! I’m responsible for you and our baby...I can’t see you in this condition and leave you alone in a room...no. You are going to bed. Our bed,” she said and led me to the elevator.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Everything was suffocating me. I didn’t want her touching me or being close to me, and I had to endure it. How long did I think I could keep something like this to myself? It would mentally destroy me. I needed to address this right away because I needed to go home. I couldn’t stay here, however, I had to be careful not to make a second mistake. I needed to approach this thing with caution. I definitely needed more time to think, so I would sleep on it and in the morning I would have a better approach. Who was I kidding? No way could I sleep tonight with so many raging ideas of how to approach this. I had to decide on one.
“Toasts would be nice,” I said to her with a forced smile.
“I knew it would be. Here. Let me help you into…”
Kathy’s mouth flew open and slowly she stepped away from me. I had never seen a look like that on her face, not even when she was on trial and about to go to prison. I wasn’t sure what was happening...until I followed her eyes. The ring!
“What...where’s...where’s your ring?” she barely got out and her big eyes were filled with tears.
I wanted more time, but my stupid mistake of not returning my ring to my finger forced me right into battle.
“They are somewhere in the car,” I said calmly because I didn’t want to anger her. I was not sure who she would turn into so the best approach was to play on whatever emotions she had for me.
“Why?” she cried, and the tears were now streaming.
I walked over to the rocking chair in the room and sat. Slowly she walked over to me frantically twisting the ring that her grandmother gave her. She kneeled down waiting for me to respond.
“I...I think...I don’t think this is going to work for me, Kat,” I said and her face transformed into the saddest image. “I think we should get a divorce.”
“No,” she whispered with her eyes closed as the tears poured from under her lids.
“Don’t worry about the baby. I’ll have her and give her to you. All I’m asking is that I return to my apartment for the duration of the pregnancy...then I’ll…,” I couldn’t finish. The words were locked in my throat from all the emotions that overwhelmed me.
“River,” she said and finally opened her eyes. “Did you see the tabloids?”
“No,” I responded and she looked at me confused.
“Then...I don’t underst…,” she said then her eyes almost popped out of her head. “Oh my God...oh my God...oh my God! Noooooooooo!”
Kathy got to her feet and started to destroy everything in sight. She was screaming so loud and throwing pillows, lamps, perfumes, knocking over furniture, our wedding photos, everything she could find. I was so scared for myself and for her. I wanted to stop her but I was afraid that she would turn on me, but when I saw the blood on the blinds that she was ripping from the windows, I had to run to her.
“Kathy! Kathy! Stop!” I tried to take my voice above her screams. “Kathy, please!”
I held on to her and dragged her away from the blinds. I thought for sure she was going to knock me to the ground, but she slid to the floor and started to wail. There was blood all over the floor, so I opened her hand to see a slash that the blinds had made in her palm. I rushed to the chest of drawers and took out one of my white t-shirts then ran back to her, trying to avoid being cut from the broken glass on the floor. As she cried, tossing from side to side, I held her hand and pressed hard to stop the bleeding.
“I’m sorry, Riv,” she bawled. “He’s ruining my life. I hate him so much…”
I assumed she was talking about her father. I didn’t respond because she wasn’t expecting one. She was just voicing what was in her head.
“He destroyed my family...my baby will not have a home because of him...my wife is going to leave meeee…”
My heart was in pieces as I watched the woman I loved writhed in pain at the thought of losing everything most precious to her. I knew her love for me was real. There was no deception there, so it must be ripping her inside out that she would lose me, but what choice did I have? How could I look at Kathy ever again and not see what a fool I had been? If I had found her guilty like the others wanted, then I would never have run into her, I would never have fallen in love with her, and we would not be in this position.
“I would rather go to prison...I should have gone to prison…,” she cried.
Earlier, I questioned my love for Kathy, but it was just the hurt and disappointment talking. She was my world. I would spend the rest of my life mourning over this loss, but I had no choice. I could never continue with our life and pretend that I didn’t know what happened and that I got her off the hook for something she was guilty of. It was not possible for me, no matter how much I loved her.
“River,” she said, sitting up and looking at me with so many emotions on her face. “I’m sorry…”
“Please, Kat...I just want to go home…”
“This is your home…”
“No, it’s not!” I shouted back at her, abandoning my plan to be calm. “It’s all a lie!”
“No...baby...my love for you is not a lie…”
“But everything else is!”
“Please, don’t go,” she said resting her free hand on my shoulder while I continue to apply pressure to the other.
“Get your hand off me!”
&n
bsp; “I’m sorry,” she said and it was so crazy that Kathy was apologizing for touching me when all this time I belonged to her, and she could touch me whenever she wanted. “Please...stay here. The nursery is here…”
“You’ll have the baby so she’ll be in the nursery…”
“No, you stay here. I’ll go. I’ll take my things and leave. The house...everything is yours. Just please don’t…”
“I can’t raise this child, Kat. This is your flesh and blood. Do you know what it would do to me every time I look at this baby? I can’t.”
“Riv…,” she fell onto my lap and cried as my tears fell on her head. I continued to apply pressure. “I’m so sorry.”
We stayed in that position and that state for about half an hour, then I checked her hand and the bleeding had stopped. It was not as bad as I originally thought but it was still a nasty cut. I pulled away from her and got to my feet and Kathy followed my every move. I started to remove my clothes from the drawer, but she kept putting them back in.
“Riv...please, let’s talk,” she said.
“I don’t think there is anything to talk about, Kathy. I’m not interested in the details because I know enough. You and your father committed a crime, for which I, like a fucking idiot, set you free! That’s enough information for me, and I don’t need to know anymore.”
“Let me explain.”
“An explanation does not absolve anyone of the crimes they commit,” I said. “You have put me in a fucked up position of having to decide if I need to call the police on my wife!”
“No, please…”
“Then I am committing a crime, Kathy! I’m not a criminal! This might be a comfortable fit for you and your father, but it is not for me!” I said as I threw clothes on the bed that Kathy continued to put back into the drawer. “Do I need to fear for my life, Kathy?”
“What...no!”
“When you rush to daddy to tell him that I know your dirty little secret, will my family and I be in danger?”
“River! No! I’m not a criminal...I would never...we would never...stop it!” she said and grabbed my shoulders as she cried. “Stop saying those things! You know I’m not a criminal.”
The Juror Page 16