Torn

by A. M. Wallace

  I stood up and started gathering the plates and Amy moved to help me, but I shook my head.

  “You cooked. I’ll clean up,” she grinned and I looked at Chad, “with Chad’s help.” He groaned but stood up anyway. I winked at Amy before looking at Hannah, pleading silently with her. She nodded and took Chad’s place where she could join into the girls’ conversation.

  “Thanks for sticking me with clean up, asshole,” Chad complained as I put the plates on the sink, and I laughed.

  “Sorry, man, I was giving Hannah an opening to join in. She’s been awkward all night with Justin here.” I sighed and started running the water for the dishes.

  “Yeah, I noticed, but hey, maybe now that he’s gone, she’ll spend some time with Amy?”

  “I hope so.”

  “Hey, for the record, I really like her.” I laughed and looked over at Chad who was wearing a goofy grin.

  “I know, man. I think she likes you too.”

  It didn’t take us long to do the dishes and clean up the kitchen. It wouldn’t have taken as long as it did, but Chad couldn’t be serious sometimes and kept fooling around. I couldn’t complain. I could have had worse company for my clean up duties.

  We walked back into the living room, just barely catching the end of the conversation. The girls were so wrapped up, they didn’t even hear us approaching, but something caught my ear.

  “Hey, I’m not the one who slept with my boyfriend the day I met him!” Erica said and all the girls laughed and Hannah threw one of the pillows on the chair at her.

  Hannah had slept with Justin? When they first met? That made me hate the guy instantly. I knew there was something off about him, and now I knew. He was getting what he wanted out of Hannah, and that was it.

  “What?” I couldn’t hide the anger from my voice.

  The conversation came to a screeching halt as all the girls looked up at me like they’d been caught doing something wrong. That’s pretty much what had happened in my book.

  my heart stopped as i looked up at Marcus. This was what I’d been afraid of, but I didn’t think it was rational, because why would I just volunteer this information. I never dreamed I’d end up talking about anything that would bring it up while I was here, much less for Marcus to ever overhear.

  Amy looked at me with somewhat wide eyes. She could tell this was a big deal to me, though I’m not sure she understood the extent of it. Erica, however, did, and looked at me with the most apologetic look. I couldn’t be mad at her; she didn’t mean to rat me out.

  I knew I shouldn’t be worried about what Marcus thought. I shouldn’t be worried about what anyone thought. Justin and I were both adults and could do what we wanted, when we wanted. But the fact that I now felt like Marcus thought I was some sort of whore made me want to vomit. I never wanted to look bad like that in front of him.

  “Uh…” I had no idea what to say. I looked at Erica for help but she just shrugged, just as lost as I was.

  “Hannah, can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?” Marcus asked but didn’t even wait for an answer before he took off in the opposite direction and out the sliding glass door.

  I stood up and slowly walked to meet him, not looking at anyone as I did. I didn’t want to see what they were thinking. I felt like a child being chastised for being bad. I knew I hadn’t done anything wrong, but it was hard not to feel like it when I knew I’d disappointed Marcus, and we hadn’t even talked yet.

  I walked out the open door, slowly sliding it shut behind me. He was standing in front of the pool, which was now covered, with his back to me. He stared straight ahead, so I just stood by the door, waiting. I had no idea what this conversation would involve, but I knew I should be worried.

  “Please tell me you didn’t sleep with him, Hannah.” Marcus still didn’t turn around as he spoke.

  “Do you want me to lie to you about it?” I sighed as I said it, not wanting to beat around the bush. He whipped around to stare at me, slightly angry, but looking a little hurt as well.

  “Why?”

  “Because I wanted to? Marcus, I’m not even sure why you think any of this is your business.” I had no idea where my sudden confidence came from, but I needed to hold onto it. Otherwise, Marcus would tear into me even more, I was sure.

  “The day you met him? Really?” His face scrunched up in worry and confusion as he spoke.

  “So what if I did?” I folded my arms over my chest and huffed. I was suddenly angry with him. Anger was good. I could stand my ground if I was angry.

  “Do you realize what kind of message that sends?” He was raising his voice now, which only pissed me off more.

  “What message, Marcus? That I’m a whore?” I tried to keep my voice down, but I could feel it rising with every breath.

  “No, Hannah, you’re not a whore.” He wasn’t yelling anymore, but he wasn’t any less angry.

  “Are you sure you don’t think so now? Because it sure sounds like you do.”

  “That’s not what I’m saying, Hannah. How could you even think I’d think that about you?” He took a step toward me, but I stepped back, hitting the sliding glass door.

  “Then what are you saying, Marcus? Because it sure sounds like you think I’m a whore now.” My anger was fading and I fought to keep it. I could feel tears forming in my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

  “He’s using you, Hannah.” I gaped at his words, but he kept going before I could say anything. “Sex on the first date? He knows he has you now.”

  I couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth. He thought Justin was using me for sex? How dare he! He didn’t even know Justin. And apparently, I didn’t know Marcus.

  “I can’t believe you. How dare you think that about me? About Justin? I don’t have to listen to this.” I turned and opened the sliding glass door, ignoring Marcus as he called after me.

  Erica, Chad, and Amy were in the kitchen, and something told me they heard the whole thing. I didn’t care. I just wanted to go. Erica must have sensed that because as soon as she saw me, she grabbed her keys, meeting me halfway and walking with me to the door.

  I didn’t look back as I walked out to Erica’s car, fighting tears. Once we were in and on our way home, I expected Erica to ask what happened, even if she had heard us, but she didn’t. For that I was grateful. I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to talk about it any time soon.

  I didn’t know what would be worse, Marcus thinking I was a whore or him thinking Justin was just using me for sex. Either way, I felt degraded. Justin had never made me feel like that. He always made me feel special and wanted. He listened and he cared about me. He showed it in numerous ways. And no, that didn’t include sex. I just couldn’t believe what had happened with Marcus just now. He was supposed to be my best friend, my protector. Not bad mouth my boyfriend just because he didn’t like him.

  I could see Erica looking at me every once in a while, but I chose to ignore her. I knew she was just worried about me, but I had no idea what to say.

  “Alcohol?” she asked as she drove.

  “I would love some,” I sighed, “but we have that Bio test in the morning and can’t afford a hangover.”

  “Right. Ice cream then.” I didn’t object. Erica had a knack of knowing what small comforts I needed even before I did.

  She drove to the convenient store and went inside while I waited in the car. I buried my face in my hands, thankful for a few minutes alone, even if I was in a public parking lot.

  I let my tears finally flow, leaning over in my seat. I had never felt so hurt in my life, and by my best friend of all people. I couldn’t get what he had the nerve to say to me out of my head. I was not a booty call or a one-night stand for Justin. I truly believed he cared about me. I didn’t have to have sex with him. I wanted to have sex with him. Sex was a healthy and natural part in any relationship.

  Maybe Amy didn’t put out and he was angry about that and taking it out on me.
/>
  God, that was a horrible thing to think. Yes, I was mad at Marcus, but as mad as I was, I didn’t think he would be angry about Amy not wanting to have sex with him. That is, if she didn’t want to have sex with him, but I doubted that and it was none of my business.

  What the hell was I doing? How could I defend him to myself after everything that just happened? I was a complete mess. Maybe I did need a drink after all. Who cared about Bio when I cared about all of this?

  Erica opened her door and got back in the car, scaring the shit out of me. I was so wrapped up with my inner battle, I didn’t even see her approach the car.

  “You okay?” she finally asked. I knew she’d been dying to since we got in the car.

  “I will be.” She nodded and pulled out of the parking lot.

  We were home within ten minutes and I jumped out of the car before she could even shut it off. I didn’t know why I was in a hurry. I wasn’t running from Erica. Besides, she had the ice cream.

  I left the door open for her as I walked inside, just as my cell rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked down at the screen. Marcus. I screamed in frustration and contemplated throwing my phone against the wall. I didn’t. I just shut it off and put it back in my pocket before going to sit on the couch to wait for Erica to bring the goodies. I heard her come in and mess around in the kitchen, but I just sat there.

  Out of nowhere, there was a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream being held in front of my face. Have I mentioned how much I love Erica? She always knew what I needed in times like this. I took my bowl from her and grunted my thanks.

  “I hate guys,” I said as I took a mouthful of ice cream off my spoon.

  “All guys or just a select few?” Erica asked as she sat next to me.

  “Just certain ones right now.” I took another bite and then sighed, looking over at her. “I know you could hear us.” It was her turn to sigh now.

  “We weren’t eavesdropping. It was just easy to hear you. I’m not sure you shut the door completely.” She sounded sad. I knew she didn’t want to make this harder on me.

  “I just can’t believe he accused Justin of using me. I mean, I know you weren’t thrilled to know I’d slept with him either, but you didn’t say anything horrible like that.” I stared straight ahead and took another couple bites of ice cream. Erica stayed silent to let me vent. “We’re both adults, E. We can do whatever the hell we want, and no one else has to agree to it.”

  “I know, Han.”

  “Where the hell does he get off saying something like that?” My anger was growing again. I was still extremely hurt, but I was getting angrier the more I thought about it.

  “Can I say something?” Erica asked cautiously, which meant it was going to make me mad.

  “Not if it’s just gonna piss me off more.” I looked over at her and she sighed and took another bite. “What is it?”

  “I’m not saying what Marcus said is right, by any means, but I can see where he would think that.”

  “What? How can you say that?” I was sitting on the edge of my seat, facing her now.

  “Let me finish!” She leaned forward and sat her bowl on the coffee table. “Look, he doesn’t know Justin. Tonight wasn’t a lot of time for Marcus to get a feel for him. He’s your best friend. He wants to protect you. Therefore, he’s gonna hate everyone you date at first. I know that feeling.” I looked down at my bowl as she talked, knowing not to say anything just yet. “It’s a friend thing, and it’s worse because he’s a guy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be pissed. I’m pissed off for you, too. But just know it was because he cares. He wasn’t trying to hurt you. He wants to protect you.”

  I took in what she said and realized she might be right, but she was also right about me being allowed to be pissed. And I still was and planned on staying that way. I could almost see where he was coming from. Almost. But he still had no right to judge Justin without even knowing him.

  “He seemed to be getting along with Justin just fine earlier,” I grumbled and leaned back, just playing with my ice cream in my bowl now.

  “That was before he found out you slept with him, remember? And not just slept with him, but slept with him the day you two met.” I glared at her and she held up her hand. “I know, that’s my fault, but I didn’t mean to out you.”

  “I know.” And I really did. She wouldn’t do something like that to me intentionally. I trusted her. Sometimes I thought she knew me better than Marcus, but that was mostly because we were both girls.

  “Look, you know I love you and I’m going to be here for you no matter what. Hell, we both know I’ve made some crazy decisions in the guy department,” she said with a small smile, trying to cheer me up.

  “I know.” I tried to smile back, but I wasn’t sure I managed.

  “So what are you gonna do?”

  “Honestly?” I asked and she nodded, taking another bite. “I have no freaking clue. I want some time away from Marcus. I need to think.” Erica’s phone going off made me look over at her again.

  “It’s Marcus.” She sighed and I groaned.

  “I don’t care if you answer or not, but I’m not talking to him.” She nodded and pushed ignore on her phone.

  “So, are you going to tell Justin about any of this?”

  “About what Marcus said?” I snorted without humor when she nodded. “No chance in hell.”

  Erica scooted closer to me and I instinctively laid my head on her shoulder. I didn’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. Tonight was definitely one of those nights.

  “You guys will work it out,” she said as she laid her head on mine.

  “I’m really not so sure, E.”

  i’d stormed back outside after watching Hannah and Erica leave. I didn’t want to face Amy and Chad when I was still so angry. I’d tried calling Hannah a couple of times, but she turned her phone off. How could Hannah do this to herself? She was so much better than that.

  The sound of the door sliding open had me turning around. Amy walked out cautiously, gauging how angry I was, I’d guess.

  “You okay?” She knew I wasn’t, but she asked anyway. She also didn’t come any closer.

  “Fine.” I turned my back to her and stared at the cover of the pool. I didn’t want her to see me mad like this, but I knew I couldn’t really avoid it.

  “I’ll leave you alone. I just wanted to check on you.” She spoke quietly and I wondered if I’d upset her now, too.

  Might as well get it all done with at once, huh? Amy didn’t deserve that.

  I turned around to tell her I was sorry, but she was already inside. I looked through the glass, but didn’t see her anywhere. I didn’t want her to leave, but I wouldn’t blame her if she did. I walked over and sat down on one of the patio chairs. It was uncomfortable without the cushion, but I didn’t care. I needed the fresh air and I was too exhausted to stand right now.

  “Hey, man,” Chad said from beside me. I hadn’t even heard him come out. I just nodded my response and he took a seat next to me. “Wanna talk about it?”

  “No.” I took my glasses off and pinched the bridge of my nose. “Hannah hates me.”

  “We heard.” I looked up instantly to stare at Chad and he shrugged. “Hannah didn’t shut the door completely. We heard the whole thing.”

  “Shit.” I put my glasses back on and slouched enough in my chair to rest my head on the back.

  “What’s your issue here?”

  “I thought you heard.” I didn’t bother raising my head to look at him. He sighed.

  “No, I mean what are you thinking? Why is this such an issue?” I raised my head this time.

  “What do you think? This guy is just using Hannah and she’s blinded by how nice and good looking he is.” Chad just stared at me as I spoke.

  “You sure it isn’t about something else?”

  “What else would it be about?” I was starting to get mad again, and I didn’t want to be mad at Chad, but he was pushing me. He took a dee
p breath and all but glared at me. Was he getting angry with me now, too?

  “Are you jealous?” he blurted out and I just stared.

  “What? No. I’m worried.” As I said it, I realized how true it was. Chad just nodded.

  Yes, the jealousy was still there. I couldn’t fight it off that quickly. It was something that took time. But it was more about being protective of Hannah and worried that this guy was the douchebag I originally thought he was.

  “Amy asked about you guys, by the way,” he said casually and looked around the yard.

  “She what?” I sat up now, turning toward Chad.

  “She asked if there had been something going on between you two.” Shit. Did I sound jealous to everyone? “I told her no.”

  “You did?” I was a little surprised. Chad wasn’t one to lie, but he probably knew the consequences of telling the truth and he also knew I was working to get over those feelings.

  “I didn’t lie. Nothing has happened between you two, but you need to talk to her, too.”

  “If she’ll talk to me after that.” I sighed and sat back in my seat.

  “She’s inside cleaning up.” I looked over at him to make sure he wasn’t pulling my leg.

  “Really? She’s still here?”

  “Yeah.” He stood up and took a couple steps. “I’m gonna help her finish up.” I nodded, but stayed in my seat.

  “Give me a minute, I’ll be in.” He nodded and walked back inside, leaving me to my thoughts.

  I was surprised, but glad Amy was still here. Maybe I could explain things to her a little bit better. I didn’t need her hating me, too. Before I went inside, I wanted to try to get ahold of Hannah. I needed to make sure she was okay. I called her cell, but it was still off, so I tried Erica’s. It rang a few times and then went to voicemail. I was just about to call her again when a text came through from Erica’s phone.

  She’s fine. Just leave her alone for now.

  Thankfully, Erica seemed to know I just needed that confirmation, then I’d back off for now. Hannah and I both needed time to cool off, then we could try and work through whatever the hell happened tonight.