by Devon Ashley
“Well, tonight I’ve got you each set up to work with one of our trainers. Together you’ll determine what it is you actually want to accomplish here. Tonight’s just a test run. A chance to get to know each other and decide whether or not he’s someone you’re comfortable working with.”
My head jerked to attention. “He?”
“Sorry. Right now all my trainers are men.”
“Oh,” I said, looking to Maggie. Her features shifted enough to show that she may be having second thoughts as well.
Taking in our reactions, Annalise said, “Look, it’s not in my nature to pry. I know that most of the women who come to my self-defense classes have been victims of some sort and odds are, at least ninety-five percent of those were committed by a male. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you’re both here because of something a male did to you. Right?”
Maggie and I just kind of looked at each other, neither confirming nor denying her allegation.
Taking our silence as confirmation, she said, “Then yes, I believe you should be learning to fight against men. I know it may be difficult or uncomfortable for you at first, and so do they. But I can promise you that these guys have all been screened and mean you no harm. In fact, a lot of them are here because they know people like you. People who they care about that were victims themselves. They all have normal jobs during the day and spend some of their evenings here helping others learn to defend themselves. They’re probably the best matches I could ever find to be your trainers.”
I blew out a long breath. So a guy was going to teach me how to defend myself. It couldn’t be that bad, right? I just had to keep reminding myself what Dr. Vitriz kept saying. Most people in this world mean you no harm. You’d think that would get through my thick head already, seeing as how an infinitesimal percentage of the people I’d come across had actually tried anything against me. But all it took was that one person, that one moment in time when you were ruined for everyone else. That had happened twice to me, so I understood my reluctance to believe the world wasn’t out to get me.
We signed the waiver along with another sheet of basic personal information. Maggie got assigned to someone named Jay and I to Jesse. I dropped my bag on one of the double bleachers that followed the far wall and dug through it looking for my gloves. I also pulled out a bottle of cool water and a towel in case I needed it, leaving nothing but my keys, wallet, cell and hand gun.
I zeroed in on the slick black pistol before zipping up my bag. Technically, I was supposed to have a permit to carry a concealed weapon around, but I was too young to apply for one. But if the state of Washington thought that stupid piece of paper was going to stop me from protecting myself, then the hell with them.
Maggie was beside me, taking in our surroundings just as silently. I liked that about her. She didn’t feel the need to keep a conversation going either. We could just sit there and absorb and think without worrying about the other thinking us distant or rude.
One pair on the floor called it a night. The trainer paused to talk to Annalise, who then pointed in our direction. He headed our way, stopping beside the water fountain for a drink and cool the towel draped around his neck. As he became clearer in our eyes, she mumbled, “Oh, he’s cute.”
I smiled and hoped she got him. He’d be such a waste on me.
“Maggie?” he asked, looking to both of us, not knowing who was who. She dumbly rose her hand, and I could tell how hard she was fighting not to smile. He reached out to shake her hand. “I’m Jay and I guess I’m going to be your new trainer.”
Jay looked to be as tall as Nick, so about six-foot-three. His black hair and deep brown eyes went nice with his olive skin. His last partner was male, and it seemed he must’ve gotten in some kind of workout himself, because his scalp was moist and his skin glistened with sweat.
She quietly said, “Hi,” her hands clasping nervously in front.
He had a great smile. I’d give him that.
“Let’s get started, shall we?” He motioned his head for her to follow when he turned away. Maggie followed, but not before turning her head my way and silently mouthing, “Oh, my God!”
I just shook my head and playfully rolled my eyes. At least one of us wasn’t so damaged against men she could still appreciate his hotness. I was pretty sure that wouldn’t happen for me. I scanned the gym and noticed that while I was distracted by Jay, several more pairs had called it a night and dispersed across the room or into the locker rooms. A second guy was speaking with Annalise, who again directed the guy my way. My heart jumped as he looked at me. Oh, hell I was really going to do this. Annalise disappeared into her office as he made his way over. I kept switching my gaze between him and my feet. With each glance I caught just a little more of his appearance. Tan skin. Blondish hair. A height and body mass that was eerily similar.
My lungs claimed a huge breath and held on tightly. My eyes squinted shut as I refused to look up again. Please don’t have hazel eyes.
I swallowed, but it was extremely difficult, my throat suddenly feeling as if it suffered through a day in the desert without a drop of water. This is not happening. This is not the guy she set me up with.
“Hi,” a deep voice greeted. “I’m Jesse. Are you Megan?”
Was I? He always called me Natalie.
I suddenly couldn’t breathe. Thank God I was still sitting on the bleacher, because my body just went limp, my stomach nauseous. Despite the complete failure of my limbs, my mind was screaming for me to run. To get away as quickly as possible. But I couldn’t. I fucking froze.
“Are you okay?” he asked. I could tell from his voice that he had kneeled down to my level and was concerned, but he kept his hands to himself. When I didn’t answer, he called my name again with more urgency.
My hands had already cupped themselves over my forehead to act as a barrier, but now they rubbed south all the way to my shoulders. I roughly swallowed again. Air finally began moving in and out through my lungs again. “Here,” he said. I was still looking down when I opened my eyes. My water bottle was held out before me, already cracked open. I leaned my head back and took several sips. It was cool, soothing.
I closed my eyes and took several long breathes to calm the spastic craziness going on inside me. Stop it. It’s not him. Jesse crouched patiently in front of me as I regained control of my body. Releasing one last exhalation, I dared to meet his eyes, and it turned into a soft sigh. His eyes were green, not too unlike Nick’s. Soft. Kind.
Not hazel. Not fiery. Not hard and testing.
“I’m sorry.” I tried to shake off the last bit of that lingering panic. Not him. “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Well, that’s a first,” he kidded. “Usually the girl doesn’t say that until after she gets to know me.”
I wanted to laugh, I did. He was trying to help me bypass my freak-out by shifting my emotions to something lighter. I just wasn’t ready to yet. But I felt like I owed him an explanation. “I’m sorry,” I repeated, “it’s just…you look like someone.”
“Oh,” he muttered. “Like maybe the someone who has you coming here in the first place?”
Trying to be brave, I admitted the truth with a nod, taking another swig of water, swishing it around my mouth before swallowing. He was quiet for a moment, but I wasn’t so brave that I could really keep looking his way yet.
“Well, Annalise can always schedule you with someone else if I make you uncomfortable, but I think I might be the best choice for you.” Curiously, I did look to him. “You want to learn to defend yourself, so what better way than to practice hitting the guy that actually looks like the jerk?”
I huffed and screwed the lid back on my water. Practice hadn’t even started and I already downed half the bottle. And my skin felt hot and moist. Suffocating almost. “You’re either incredibly brave or you think I lack enough punch to really hurt you.”
“Both, actually,” he said with a smile. “But I can help you with the latter.
&nb
sp; “If you’ll let me,” he added seconds later.
Nodding, I replied, “I just need a minute.”
He answered with a nod of his own and disappeared into the room next to the office.
Damn my little freak-out. Was that what I was going to do when Zander came for me again? Just sit there like a dumb duck and crumble to pieces? Jesus. And now I felt like a complete idiot. I was supposed to train with this guy. He already knew I was damaged in some way, but now he probably thought I needed to be strapped down and thrown into a damn insane asylum.
I got to my feet and headed to the water fountain to top off my bottle. Jesse came back out with a pair of small boxing gloves hanging loosely from his hand. “New plan. We’re going to do something different tonight. Follow me.”
Surprisingly, my feet obeyed without objection. I followed him all the way to the other side of the gym. Please tell me he wasn’t going to ask me to get inside that ring and make a spectacle of myself. No one else in the gym was getting inside them.
Relieved he walked right past the first one, I paused when he stopped in between the two, where a couple of punching bags hung down. “Seriously?” I cowered the moment that slipped through my lips. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud.
“Yep.” Dropping my stuff to the side, he handed me one of the gloves and I slipped it on. Holding the second out for me, I wiggled my hand into it. “I think it’ll do you some good to just let go and hit a bit. You’d be surprised how euphoric it can be.”
I wanted to roll my eyes but I settled for just allowing them to stretch out a bit. Euphoric? Really?
I gave the bag a little push. Damn thing hardly moved. And it was surprisingly firm. I nudged it harder, making it swing another inch. Hell. I was supposed to hit that? Just punching it was going to break my fingers.
“Are you sure about this? This bag weighs more than I do.”
“Yep. Just hit away.”
He crossed his arms and stood there with his legs apart. Now that I was taking a moment to actually take him in, he was just as muscular as the guy I mistook him for. He had on a pair of black basketball shorts and a fitted white tank. Some might call it a wifebeater, but given my past experience as the one being beaten, that wasn’t a term I’d ever use again. I had to tell myself over and over again that this wasn’t him. There were three main differences – the shade of green eyes, the Gaelic tattoo that wrapped around his upper left bicep and the fact that his face truly was different structurally – but a quick glance in his direction still reminded me of Zander. My damn heart sputtered every time, forgetting for that one split second that it was Jesse standing beside me. The way he was standing made him look like militia and I felt like I was about to undergo the most painful boot camp ever. Or worse, some type of illegal hazing.
“Aren’t you supposed to like, hold the bag or something?” I may not have known much about boxing, but I knew that much at least.
“Sure,” he said a little too cheerfully, moving behind the bag with a huge smile spread across his face.
I felt stupid just standing there. I was sure my stance was all wrong and I hardly knew anything about hitting. Just enough to know not to hide my thumb inside my fist as I punched or it’d probably end up broken. I groaned and frowned as my arm pulled back. With about half my strength I swung my arm and nailed the bag with my fist. Ow!!! It was like hitting a freaking brick wall! I didn’t cry out, but even with the protection, I felt the explosion in my hand, pain radiating outward as far as my wrist. My mouth dropped open and I flung my hand repeatedly, as if I could simply shake the pain away.
“Oh, my God!”
That bag didn’t even move. I was sure Jesse absorbed whatever pathetic amount of energy I mustered up, but even he stood firm, like I never even hit it. With a too bright smile, he asked if I was alright.
“Yeah, but damn. You want me to just stand here and keep hitting this?”
His forehead furrowed quizzically. “What exactly do you think it’s going to feel like when you have to hit a guy without hand protection?”
I sighed. Point to Jesse. “Alright,” I muttered. I went at it a few more times, letting my left arm take a few shots as well. It was Jesse’s idea, but I was about to do it anyways – I was starting to feel the ache in the rest of my right arm as the vibrations jostled all the way up my shoulder each time my punch came to an abrupt halt. I didn’t have a whole lot in the way of muscle, but what I had freakin’ hurt! Thankfully, he eventually suggested I try kicking it so my arms earned a well-deserved reprieve.
Kicking was another basic Annalise had taught us. This I liked a lot better. Maybe I had more muscle in my legs, or maybe they were just better at dealing with the stress of the impact, but my body was able to do a hell of a lot better repeating kicks than punches. I did begin to feel a slight twinge in my hip, but I didn’t care. This exercise was actually kind of liberating. Like he said – euphoric. Though I was beginning to feel sore in different parts of my body, I didn’t want to give up the surge of adrenaline that was building inside me. I could almost picture Zander’s head at the exact spot I hit each time, and damn it felt good to feel the heel of my sneaker slam down against the bag. And I got another boost of confidence seeing Jesse actually have to hold the bag for once, his body leaning into the force I pummeled his way.
I switched back and forth between my arms and legs, going with whatever felt good at that moment, even trying some of the kick and punch combos Annalise had taught me. My hair was doused with sweat that trickled down the sides of my face and my breaths held strong at a quickened pace. I was finally putting some real effort into my punches, and although it hurt my arms like hell, I didn’t want to stop my attack. And I wouldn’t have if not for the sweat finally leaking into the corner of my eye and stinging the crap out of it.
I backed up and pulled the mitt free of my hand, grabbing my towel to suck up as much moisture from my face and hairline as possible.
“Good job,” Jesse commended, handing me my water. I filled my mouth so fast some of it leaked out and dribbled down my chin. I didn’t realize how overheated I’d become until I stopped my assault. I was too out of breath to answer him, so I playfully cocked my eyebrows. Seeing as how my first kick really knocked him over, he hadn’t been expecting me to pack that much of a punch.
“Feel better?”
“I do actually,” I said between deep breaths. I pulled on my arms to stretch them out in front of me. “Though I’m going to regret it tomorrow.”
His laughter had some evilness to it. “Oh, no. You’ll probably feel that the second you walk out the door tonight.”
Pointing my finger at him, I boldly stated, “You’re supposed to teach me how to fight, not incapacitate me and make me an even easier target.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “No pain, no gain.”
That I most definitely rolled my eyes to. But I had to hand it to the guy. In just twenty minutes, he took me from having a panic attack and barely able to look him in the eye to joking around like we’d known each other our entire lives. I had the feeling I was going to like this guy after all.
I practically had dinner ready by the time I came through the door tonight. It wasn’t much. Just a beef-vegetable stew that I left simmering all day. Certainly nothing worth bragging about. Normally cooking gave me a lot of happiness in life, but lately, I just didn’t seem to care. Yeah, sometimes I put forth the effort and cooked up something worthy of my culinary skills, but it seemed neither one of us really ate it anyways. So really, what was the point?
It was already six-thirty, so Megan’s new class was already half way over. I still had at least an hour and a half before she finished and drove the hour home. I turned the oven to warm and placed a freshly baked roll of French bread in before heading off to shower. Man I hoped this class worked out for her. She needed something to give her a pick-me-up. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t need one myself. We’d both seemed so miserable lately. Mine was just the stress of trying to re
main strong for her, but what really dragged me down was going to a job every day that I utterly hated. I hated the square pen I had to work in, the stale recycled air and the over-fertilized plants all my adjacent neighbors seemed so keen on having, and the fact that I was miserably lonely because I couldn’t risk creating new friendships. I missed my real friends, who understood why I fell off the face of the earth, but who went on with life without me. I missed my job in a fast-paced environment surrounded by the scents I loved and the people I found a joy to work with.
But I didn’t regret any of it. Not for one second. Not if it meant I got to keep her here with me. Even if we were somewhat strangers these past two months.
Stepping into the shower, I switched the rainforest option that Megan liked to soak under back over to the regular shower head. Leaning my forearms against the ceramic, I let the hot downpour strike the back of my head and rush down my neck, leaving streaks of flushed skin in its wake. Megan was all I ever wanted. The one must amongst some maybes. I could change my career, live a somewhat solitary lifestyle, even hide away in some remote location so long as I had her here with me. But in order for that to work, I needed the real Megan to show up. The one I found several months ago, living all alone and working a simple waitressing job in Myrtle Creek. I had to have affection to come home to, to make it all worthwhile. I knew it would be, but I guess I never realized how hard it would be waiting for her to come back to me. Worse…she was right here, just inches from my touch, yet so far away.
Couldn’t she see that she wasn’t the only one damaged these past few years? That she wasn’t the only one who felt lost? Who felt miserable? I may not have been the one who was taken, but I was the one who had to watch it happen. Who was stuck on the ground, whose heart bled both literally and figuratively that night. I’d failed her, twice, and I was the one who had to live with that agony every day. It was a damn miracle I even had her right now. And to hardly be able to touch her while I had her…