by Devon Ashley
No questions we didn’t want to answer.
No pity.
Just two women whose innocence was taken too soon, sitting side by side like we would’ve done long ago as friends.
“Thanks for meeting me before class this time. I’ve gotta go to my parents for dinner tonight.”
“That’s fine,” I replied, sipping the warm latte between my hands. “I’ll probably need the caffeine kick to endure another one of those dull classes anyways.”
“Right? I thought self-defense class would be more hands-on than this. I get that we need to be more proactive about observing our environment and just avoiding bad situations, but trust me. I’ve already learned that lesson all on my own.”
I think a normal couple of girls could actually chuckle at that. But we weren’t normal anymore. And we didn’t take it lightly.
“I wouldn’t mind learning a little more combative moves myself. I’m not sure that I’d ever actually be able to beat off someone determined, but it’d be nice to know I wouldn’t just lie down and take it.”
Maggie took a sip of her tea and sighed, leaning back in the vibrant cranberry-shaded armchair covered in crushed velvet. I was settled in its mate, but mine was an electric shade of midnight blue, like the color of the sky in Van Gogh’s Starry Night.
“So what do you do for fun?” Maggie asked, trying to sell the mild smile she flashed.
“Define fun,” I jested, taking a moment to sip my coffee. “I don’t really know anyone out here. It’s just me and Nick and he works all day. I guess I haven’t really tried to meet new people yet.”
What was the point really? I may need to flee in the dead of night. Head down, stay off the radar. That was what both Nick and I were trying to do again. Just stay hidden. Try to make a life as best we could.
Three months, eighteen days since escaping Zander. Time was waning, a cruel tick-tock echoing in my head as reminder.
Unfortunately, I sucked at being there for him just yet. He had to be as lonely as I felt. I needed to do better for him, try to let him in even more than I was already doing. He deserved that and so much more.
Suddenly my stomach felt sour. I looked down at the mug in my hand and I knew I’d wretch if I took even one more sip. As I layed it down on the table, Maggie said, “I’ve met a few nice people here this past year. It helps, you know?”
I simply nodded. Being friends with the people at Breenie’s Diner is what got me through my days before.
“Maybe you and I could go out sometime? Brave the world.” Shrugging, she added, “See a movie.”
For once the smile felt real. “I’d like that.” I needed that. “Something without violence though.”
Maggie’s eyes widened a bit as she lifted her mug in the air as if to say cheers.
Thirty minutes later we were lazily standing in an arc that formed around Annalise and the dummy we were meant to beat up on. But that dummy was harder than a man’s skin and it hurt to slam my fist into it, even with the protective handwear I sported to keep my knuckles from scuffing. Truthfully, it wasn’t exactly making me feel confident in my punches if it hurt me more than a freakin’ dummy. I mean, the damn thing hardly moved when I attacked it.
“Good,” Annalise called out regardless, and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes when she wasn’t looking. I was hardly good. More like inept, and if Dr. Vitriz wasn’t riding my ass to stick with this, I probably would’ve bailed on the whole thing by now. Maggie was my only silver lining and real reason for staying, and she was about as effective against that hunk of junk as I was.
When she was done and received her obligatory well done from our instructor, she meandered her way over to me. “Don’t you just feel so empowered now?” I joked brazenly.
She chuckled a little louder than she should have, using her teeth to pull off her own gloves. When I turned back to the center, my heart felt like it took a nosedive into my stomach. Annalise was eyeing us without expression. I squirmed and looked down at my feet as they kicked and scuffed against the flooring. By the time I braved a look again, she was already helping another girl learn the move on the dummy.
“Shit,” I muttered.
“What?” Maggie asked, completely oblivious that we’d been busted.
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
I kept my mouth shut the rest of class, which went slow enough I was sure a slug could’ve slithered laps around the gym by the end. Annalise had caught my gaze several times, always expressionless, so I worried that she might’ve caught my comment as well as Maggie’s laughter. Call me chickenshit, but I hurried as quickly as I could to my bag without trying to appear like I was running away with my tail between my legs.
“Are you okay?” Maggie asked, actually sounding worried about me. “You seem off.”
I pulled my jacket on and zipped up the front, pulling my long ponytail free from the back. “No, yeah.”
Amused, Maggie asked, “So which is it?”
“Ladies,” Annalise’s voice said behind me. Maggie caught the way my eyes bugged out slightly.
Oh, shit. Lecture time.
I calmed my face and turned to face her. Hell, I was twenty, not thirteen. Surely I could take whatever she was going to dish out. She stood there with a partial smile, her hands clasped behind her back. “So how are the classes working out for you?”
“Great,” Maggie replied.
“Awesome,” I added.
Great, today of all days I was a horrible liar. And I knew I failed because Annalise cocked her eyebrow and tilted her face, giving me that look. The one that sarcastically screamed please. “I wanted to let you know that I have another class available that you can transfer into. It’s a little more hands-on. Most of the people who take this class aren’t interested in learning more than a few handy moves, but I can always spot the ones who are. So are you sure this class is suitable for your needs?”
Maggie and I looked at each other, both wanting to revise our statements, but nothing came out.
Without waiting for us to actually say it aloud, Annalise pulled two cards from her back pocket and passed them to us. “You can join tomorrow night if you’d like. It’s at this address though, because I keep this kind of lesson off the books.” We both looked to her curiously, and she explained, “It would raise the liability insurance rate for my business. You’ll have to sign a consent form stating you won’t sue any of us if you get hurt.”
I practically choked. “What?”
“You’ll each get a person to physically fight with. They’ll teach you everything you want to know, but it does involve real hand to hand fighting. Don’t worry. It’s not their goal to hurt you, but you never know when you might accidentally take a kick to the nose or something. It’s happened, I won’t lie.”
“Oh,” I said, and Maggie added, “I’m in.”
“The fee is a little more expensive because it goes directly to the person teaching you, but the first class is free. So come by, check it out and if it’s something you’d rather do, then we’ll transfer you over. I can squeeze you both in at six o’clock.”
“Okay,” I said hesitantly, my eyes staring at the white card. “Thank you.”
She nodded and headed back to her office.
“So are you in?” Maggie asked. “I’m so in.”
“Yeah, probably. I mean, I’d like to give it a try at least.”
“So you want to take a different class? Do you not like the one you’re in?” I asked, cinching the trash bag and tying it off. She followed behind me as I dumped it by the back door, turning right back again to go pull the bag of recyclables from the island cabinetry.
“Well this one would actually let me fight. Right now we barely do any of that. They basically tell you how to hold your hand to punch, where to hit and then they wash their hands of us.”
“You know you won’t be home before dark. Are you going to be okay with that?” I asked, wondering if she had truly thought it through. So far she had refused to leave
the house at night by herself. Too many shadows, too many places for people to hide, she had said.
“I know,” she replied softly. “But I’ll drive straight there and straight back. And Maggie and Annalise will be there, so I think it’ll be okay.”
I tipped my head in acknowledgement as I yanked up on the plastic bag that held our recyclables. If she thought she’d be okay, who was I to tell her otherwise? She was finally branching out, trying new things, making friends. Little pieces of her were coming back together day by day now, and I couldn’t help but feel happy about that.
“I really think I want to try this,” she added hesitantly, like she feared I didn’t approve.
I kissed her forehead since she was close enough to reach. “Then that’s what you should do.”
“Really?” she asked with a smile.
I huffed silently. Why did that surprise her? “Really. I’m all for you learning to protect yourself, so long as that gun stays in your bag everywhere you go.”
“Thank you.”
Again, why did she seem so surprised, and why would she feel the need to thank me? Like I was going to be one of those dicks who told his woman everything she could and couldn’t do? I wasn’t that shithead who abducted her.
Carrying the recyclables, I grabbed the trash on my way out, bumping the back door open with my hip. Something along the door frame snagged the plastic in my left hand and pieces of plastic, tin and paper spilled across the patio. I muttered a curse, tossing the trash in and pulling over the recycling can to throw all the pieces away. One plastic bottle in particular caught my attention. Confused, I tucked it within my palm and hid it as I passed Megan in the kitchen, heading straight for our bathroom.
Curious, I opened her prescription sleep-aid and dumped the pills into my hand. Sure enough, the pills were all stamped No-Doz, the same medicine for the container I found outside. I sighed heavily, taking a long look at myself in the mirror. I looked fucking tired. I was only twenty-two but life the past few years made me feel sixty, seriously ready for retirement.
Sometimes I didn’t understand this new Megan. She never lied to me as Claire. At least I didn’t think she did, but we were young and living with our parents. Hell, maybe she did. I just didn’t understand why she did it now. What was the point? Surely she knew that nothing was going to push me away, right? I’d taken the good with the bad, embracing every aspect of her condition, but she still continued to keep secrets from me, as if she could protect me from it somehow.
And I wasn’t the one who needed protection, even if that piece of shit did threaten my life to force her into his car. I had no doubt he’d try for her again. And when he did… I was going to make him pay for what he’d done to her, for what he’d done to me. There was no cell of iron bars in this world that would protect him from me once he was found.
As much as I’d love to focus on the many ways I’d kill that piece of shit, right now I needed to deal with Megan. I grabbed the two bottles and made my way to the kitchen, where she was still washing the pans and cooking utensils I used to make our soup, which now simmered in a stock pot on the stove. I slammed the bottles on the island counter loud enough for her to hear over the running water, the pills in the one container crashing against its plastic prison. Megan jumped and spun around, her hand slapping against her heart. When her eyes drifted to the bottles, her face fell. Begrudgingly, her hand fell away from the dampened handprint on her shirt and she turned the faucet off, grabbing the towel to dry her hands. Unable to find the courage to face me, she dropped her head and gripped the edge of the sink basin.
“Look, Megan, I can take a lot of things, but lying’s not one of them.”
“I’m not lying to you,” she burst, whipping around.
“Omission is lying.” Waving the empty No-Doz bottle in the air, I added, “Switching your meds out behind my back is lying.” She crossed her arms, her eyes taking a nosedive.
“I mean, come on. Do you think I don’t know you’re afraid to sleep?” Her head still tipped downward, her brown orbs courageously looked up. “You’ve got the pantry stocked with energy drinks and we’ve had to buy coffee twice as often so I know you’re making another pot once I’m gone. You go to bed after me and get up before me. I. Know. Megan. So, please. Just come out and tell me what’s going on. I’m not going to be mad at you for it.”
It took her a minute, but finally she softly replied, “I don’t want to sleep anymore. Because I see him every time I close my eyes, alright? I can feel his breath on my skin and his damn fingers gripping my body, and it disgusts me. But most of all it terrifies me. Because for those few horrible minutes, my mind actually tricks me into believing that I never escaped. That I’m still stuck there, chained to the goddamn floor. So yes, I ditched the sleeping pills and switched to the No Doz. And now, when I actually do finally collapse, I’m so exhausted that I rarely dream. So I never have to go back to that damn nightmare.”
Damn that made me feel like shit, making her say that, the way the hurt filled her face as she did. I put the bottle back down softly, not giving a crap about it anymore. “God, Megan. Why didn’t you just tell me that? You don’t have to keep these things from me, you know?”
She shook her head, her eyes staring at the ground between us, slumping her shoulders as if she wished she could just melt right into the floor. “Seriously? And have you think I’m even more of a basket case than you realize? I’m not trying to lie to you. I just don’t want to burden you with every little thing that’s wrong with me.”
“Hey,” I said forcefully, eliminating the distance between us. I flattened my hands on each side of her face and brought my lips to hers. The kiss was way more aggressive than the soft, delicate ones she was used to getting, but for once I didn’t restrain myself. She was so shattered at times I just didn’t know what to do. So I kissed her, showing her with every caress of my mouth that she was loved, that I couldn’t live without her, no matter the fight she had going on inside her. It took my breath away, and she actually kissed me the same way back, her hands reaching up to cover mine. I slowly let them soften before pulling away, angling my head so our foreheads could rest against one another.
“There’s nothing wrong with you. And in case you need me to repeat it on a daily basis – I. Love. You.”
“I know. I love you too. I promise you I’m getting better. I can feel it. Like I’m filled with these tiny little puzzle pieces, and every day I manage to sift through the pile and find one more that fits in that collective piece. So please just keep being patient with me.”
Her hands slid around my neck and mine went sliding down, enclosing her waist. We just stood there for a minute, our bodies coming together to hug. My Megan was slowly coming back to me. Just last week she never would’ve been able to endure this. And that kiss? Even if I had the gall to do it back then, she probably would’ve screamed and pushed her way free. Not because it was me, but because she couldn’t take the touch. I sighed peacefully, because I knew she was finally on the path back home.
“Could you do me a favor?” I asked.
“Hmm?”
“Stay in bed with me tonight. I don’t care if you want to take your pills to stay awake or turn on your light to read. Just stay with me.”
“I think I can do that.”
My mouth sought out hers again, spending the next five minutes reacquainting itself with her smooth lips. And when she came to bed with me that night, she actually stayed within reach the whole night through.
The address on the business card took me to a part of Seattle I had never been in before, to an old brick and mortar building that had an expired fishing logo on the outside in faded colors. With five minutes to spare, I stepped out of my car into the darkening evening. The October air chilled me in more ways than I cared to admit, and my heart revved up its pace a bit. Glancing around, I saw nothing but a line of cars that were presumably here for the same building I was, as everything else on the block seemed more like commercia
l businesses that had already closed up for the night. Still, I felt like I was being watched.
Cool it, Megan. No one is watching you. Just get inside.
I obeyed my internal command and briskly passed the ten cars that stood between me and the front door, though I was still weary enough to check between each car as I passed. It was cool inside as well, and I found myself wrapping my arms around me for extra warmth. The building had been completely gutted, and was mostly a single room that filled up what was once a two story structure. Off to my right were a line of doors, leading to a few offices, locker rooms and a weight room.
Several pairs were scattered around the room, which was padded with some kind of endless gym mat to cushion their falls. Two fight rings took up the far corners, but they were both empty at the moment. I mean damn, there were people in here really fighting, like they’d been doing this all their lives. Then there were a few couples that seemed more like they were here for what I was – inexperienced women just looking to defend themselves. But they too were fighting, albeit a hell of a lot more slowly and pathetically. I watched as one instructor swept the legs out of a twenty-something girl like she weighed as much as a sheet of paper, sending her backside slamming to the mat.
Yep, that was going to be me in a few minutes.
I heard a bang in triplicate, and I jumped so high I stumbled on the landing. Quickly looking to my right, I spotted Maggie on the other side of the glass beside me, gleefully waving for me to come inside. I puffed out a breath of air and went inside the office, spotting Annalise digging through a metal file cabinet in the corner, smiling my way. “Welcome,” she said, pulling what she needed and slamming it shut.
“These are the waivers you’ll need to sign to fight here. Hopefully nothing will happen to you under this roof but accidents do happen. Just follow the instructions of your trainer as best as possible and you should be okay.”
“So how is this gonna work?” Maggie asked, eyes scanning the release waiver like I was.