How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household

by Blu Greenberg

Blessed are You, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who metes out goodness to the undeserving and Who has dealt kindly with me.

  NAMING

  Finding a name and giving a name are two different things. “Finding” a name is a personal and private affair, the process of deciding what the Hebrew name will be, whether the English name shall simply be an Anglicized version of the Hebrew (for example, Dah’veed in Hebrew and David in English) or a distinct English name altogether.

  “Giving” the name, on the other hand, is a public act, a community event. Males are named at the Brit; females, in shul, when the father is called up to the Torah, and/or at the Simchat Habat (see p. 248). The custom is not to announce the name (except to family insiders) until the formal ceremony. That is why Orthodox Jews will hardly ever ask each other, “What are you going to name the baby?” If asked, one will probably answer, “We haven’t decided yet.” Some couples prefer not to give the English name to birth registry personnel until after the Hebrew name has been given in the formal Jewish ceremony, just in case there are any last-minute changes. Countless Jewish children have had their original birth certificates drafted with something like Baby Boy Goldberg, which is then amended a week or two later.

  Finding a name can be more anxiety-producing than giving birth. Of course, it doesn’t have to be decided upon until minutes before the Brit or the formal naming ceremony for girls. But since there are approximately four thousand names to eliminate, it is wise to start early. That way, you’ll be left with only three names to wrestle with as the mohel and your mother-in-law walk in the door. There are several books on the market for finding Jewish names and a good English equivalent. For finding a Biblical name, scanning the English index of Hebrew Scriptures will be more than adequate. Yiddish names are having a comeback, albeit a minor one.

  Since the rebirth of the State of Israel, there has been a trend among Diaspora Jews to give their children modern Hebrew names, such as Shira, Adina, Yonina (for girls), or Eitan, Roni, Ami (for boys). Modern Hebrew names are used more widely for females, because so many male names can be chosen from throughout the twenty-four books of the Bible, while relatively few female names have come down through the literature.

  Traditional Jews tend to give their children Hebrew Biblical names. Some, however, depart from the standard Anglicized version and try to match only the first letter corresponding to the Jewish name (for example, Binyamin—Bruce). But they are careful not to give their children English names that have a Christian resonance to them, in contrast to secular Jews who wouldn’t hesitate to give names such as Peter Mark or Christopher Scott (probably named after a grandfather Chaim Beryl). And yet, it does vary: My cousin’s four children are all civilly named Jonny, Kathy, Billy, and Bonnie—all fine yeshiva students, all properly observant of halacha. Kathy has more Jewish-ness in her little finger than does a doctor I know who was given the rich Jewish name Mordecai and who hasn’t been to a synagogue in over forty years.

  There are two different customs in choosing a namesake. The Ashkenazim usually name a child after a deceased relative, while the Sephardim name a child in honor of an esteemed or beloved living relative, although not a parent. Even Sephardic Jews shy away from the Thomas Tuttle III syndrome.

  Unless there is a special relative one knew personally before his/her death, or unless there is a Biblical or Hebrew name one is especially fond of, the best thing to do is to consult with parents and grandparents. Often we begin to find out more about our family trees as we begin to search for names for our progeny. This seems an appropriate moment to connect to the past.

  Our preference for our own children was to give them Biblical names. Common or not (I counted twelve David Greenbergs in the Manhattan phone book when David was born), we wanted to avoid a large gap between the English and Hebrew names. But we also wanted to honor the memory of immediate past members of our families. Since most Jews throughout history have felt the same way, we had no problem in finding just what we wanted. Each child has a beautiful Biblical name and also knows about the specialness of the family member whose name he/she carries.

  But things don’t always run so smoothly. Our first child was born while we were in Gloucester, Massachusetts, for a summer vacation. He was born during the Three Weeks (see p. 471). The Haftorah reading of that particular Shabbat happened to be Yitz’s favorite: Jeremiah’s prophecy of the return to the land of Israel, a prophecy all the more poignant because it was sounded in the very throes of destruction, devastation, and exile. Jeremy, as the Anglicized version, was a favorite name of mine. We also wanted to name our son after my uncle Heshie, whose Hebrew name was Tzvi Hirsch. Uncle Heshie, zichrono livracha, was a tzaddik who had been killed in Jerusalem eight years earlier at age thirty-six. A terrorist’s bullet pierced him as he sat in his home late one evening, poring over a page of the Talmud. He died as he had lived, studying Torah. Uncle Heshie had left behind a wife and five children. My cousins were all quite young, at least fifteen years away from having children of their own to carry his name.

  So Jeremy Tzvi the name would be. For once in our lives, we had planned ahead, settled the issue, and gave no more thought to the matter.

  On the eighth day, my father-in-law arrived from New York, an hour before the Brit was to begin. When he heard the names, he became terribly distraught. “About what?” we asked. “These are two beautiful Jewish names.” He was upset because we were naming the baby after two persons who had died in unnatural circumstances, one of whom died very young. But we had already become attached to the names, had already associated them with our eight-day-old son, and had no contingency plans. My sister Judy, wise in all things, took me aside and said, “You’ll have more children, but you have only one father-in-law....” So we named him Moshe Tzvi, Moshe—after my saintly grandfather who had lived to a ripe old age. My father-in-law was very happy. And we never regretted the change for a moment. (But we did keep Jeremy Moshe on his birth certificate.)

  You don’t always have to choose the name of a deceased relative. My cousins Marv and Shirley named their second son Yonatan after their friend Yoni Netanyahu, a hero who fell in the raid on Entebbe. Every so often, when I think of little Yonatan, I remember Entebbe. So will Yonatan, when he grows older and people ask him after whom he was named.

  A hero complex never hurt a Jewish child. When Yitz used to put the children to sleep, he would tell them stories about their Biblical namesakes. And then some. There was Moshe Rabbeinu, Moshe the Deliverer, Moshe the Lawgiver. There was also Moshe, Super Jew; Moshe, Master Hero, who could outdo any feat thought up by the editors of Marvel Comics. One night, as I was putting Moshe to sleep and continuing with the story, I casually asked, “And who saved the Jews and took them out of Egypt?” Moshe, who was then three, pointed his little index finger at his own chest, and in wide-eyed seriousness and pride said, “I did.”

  The full Jewish name, used in religious documents and ceremonies, goes something like this: Abraham ben (son of) Mordecai, or Sarah bat (daughter of) Mordecai rather than Abraham Strauss or Sarah Strauss. If the father is of priestly or levitical descent, that, too, is included: Abraham ben Mordecai Ha-Kohen or Esther bat Moshe Ha-Levi. In reciting the prayer for help and saving (the me’sheh’bay’rach) the mother’s name is used: Abraham ben Miriam or Sarah bat Miriam.

  In most Orthodox synagogues and ceremonies, the full formal name continues to include only the father’s. However, winds of change are in the air. At the Simchat Habat ceremonies (see p. 248) the child is named after both mother and father: for example, Tamar bat Mordecai Ve Miriam. And at a Brit I attended recently, the infant was formally named with both father’s and mother’s name. It seems only just....

  SHALOM ZACHAR

  Another custom that many Orthodox Jews observe is the Shalom Zachar, which literally means greeting the male. On the Friday night (leil shabbat) that precedes the Brit, friends and relatives in the community are invited to celebrate the great event of a new child. Fruit, cake, and bever
ages are served. I can’t locate its origin, but moist, salted and peppered chick-peas (nahit) are a familiar treat at a Shalom Zachar. There is much singing; the rabbi and/or learned guests and relatives will deliver a dvar Torah. Often the Shalom Zachar is held in the home of the new parents, but sometimes it is the grandparents who host the informal gathering. Occasionally, if the number of invited guests is large, it is held in the shul social hall after dinner.

  SHALOM NEKEVAH

  In recent years, as community consciousness has risen, many Jews have a similar Friday-night celebration for the birth of a daughter. It is called either Shalom Nekevah (greeting the female) or Shalom Bat (greeting the daughter). It is a new custom and one that is rapidly taking hold.

  BRIT MILAH

  Judaism is a very practical religion, but it certainly does allow for moments of high drama. A Brit is one such moment.

  Brit (or Bris, as Ashkenazim pronounce it) means a covenant, a mutual pledge. The history of the Jewish people is really the history of the covenant with God, a promise of each to the other to be faithful unto eternity. Shabbat is one primary symbol of this covenantal relationship. Brit Milah—covenant of circumcision—is another:

  This is My covenant that ye shall observe between Me and your children and their offspring that follow. Circumcise every male and you shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin, and it shall be a sign of the covenant between Me and you. A son of eight days you shall circumcise, each male unto the generations.

  —GENESIS 17:10-12

  The clearest understanding I ever had of what a Brit is all about came from a friend who called us from Maryland the night before David’s Brit to tell us he was sorry he wouldn’t be able to come: “Tell your little son for me tomorrow,” he said, “that his loss is our gain.”

  The Brit must be held on the eighth day after birth, no matter whether that comes out on a Shabbat or a holiday, no matter who can or cannot be present. This past year, the chazzan of our synagogue, who is also a seasoned mohel now performing second-generation circumcisions, had to perform two of them on Yom Kippur. This he did during the recess between Minchah and Ne’ilah (closing service).

  The only reason to postpone a Brit is if the doctor feels the infant’s health warrants postponement. As soon as the infant is well enough, the Brit should be rescheduled without delay, although not for Shabbat or a holiday. Brit, a medical procedure as well as a religious rite, takes precedence over Shabbat or holiday (when nonemergency medical procedures are proscribed) only if it is performed on the eighth day. Once the eighth day has passed, it is proper to wait another day or two until sacred time, with its ban on work, has ended.

  CHOOSING A MOHEL

  According to Jewish law, the obligation to circumcise the son falls upon his father. Since most fathers are not trained to carry out this skilled procedure, a father was permitted by halacha to appoint a stand-in, who happens to be the mohel, the circum-ciser. Thus, the father will not “hire” the mohel; he will invite him to be his stand-in. Being a stand-in, however, does not mean that a mohel doesn’t have set fees which he will discuss forth-rightly. After all, this is his faith but it is also his livelihood. Currently, the standard fee in New York City is one hundred and fifty dollars plus travel expenses; but the new father should feel free to ask.

  Only a mohel may stand in, not a doctor or surgeon. A mohel must be personally pious, observant of Jewish law, and carefully trained in the laws of Brit Milah. The certification of mohelim (plural) requires that they also must be rigorously trained in surgical hygiene. There are some doctors who are licensed mohelim, and have trained for this apart from their medical education.

  Each mohel may have a different style, but as a rule, they are deft, quick, and expert at their profession. Not only do they perform this minor surgery, but they simultaneously perform the religious ceremony, coordinating each part of it with the other. If asked, a mohel will also explain the different parts of the ceremony to the invited guests, some of whom may never before have attended a Brit Milah. A thoughtful mohel will also explain beforehand to first-time parents (and to second- and third-timers as well, since one forgets easily) exactly what he will be doing, what the child feels, and what to expect in terms of the healing process. Generally, there is no need for follow-up; however, a mohel should be prepared to respond as often as the parents feel they need him.

  Most mohelim use the clamp, either the Magen or Gomco clamp, designed especially for ritual circumcision. The healing is almost instantaneous; the foreskin is sealed by the pressure of the clamp and, thus, the major source of bleeding is sealed. If the mohel has done his job well, the child heals normally, and there should be no need for the mohel to return. However, some mohelim use a surgical knife which is equally safe, but which requires dressing the wound and then professionally removing the dressing the next day. A mohel who uses a knife routinely returns the following day to complete his task. While both methods are halachically permissible, new parents might have a preference for a particular method of circumcision and should not hesitate to ask.

  Another question to ask beforehand is the mohel’s attitude toward the presence of women at the Brit. It used to be—and in some circles still is—considered inappropriate for women, including the mother herself, to be present in the room when circumcision took place. This was legitimated in an age when women were thought to be light-headed, fragile, and would therefore faint just from imagining what the mohel was doing across the room. In most Brit ceremonies today, however, women are present, the mother is part of it, and no one looks askance if the father pales and weaves as he stands near the mohel looking on.

  The best way to find a good mohel is to ask friends or to call the rabbi for several names. As soon as a baby boy is born, the parents should immediately contact a mohel, since there are not all that many of them and, in some seasons, they are in heavy demand.

  Before putting prospective clients on his calendar, a mohel will always ask at what hour the baby was born. Sometimes, people forget that the Jewish day starts at night. Circumcision takes place eight days from the day of birth. If the baby was born on Monday after dark, the Brit would take place on Tuesday of the following week.

  Generally, the mohel will bring along with him everything that is needed for the medical procedures. Still, there are a few things the parents must do:

  1. Invite the guests. Well, not exactly. Traditionally, we don’t formally invite guests to a Brit. We inform them. Why? Because participating in a Brit Milah is a mitzvah. If one is invited to perform a mitzvah, one may not decline. But we all know that there are some friends who simply will not be able to drop everything on a few days’ notice. So the invitation generally goes like this: the new father calls and says, “Mazel tov! Ruthie gave birth to a boy yesterday, and the Brit will be next Monday morning at Beth Shalom at eight thirty A.M.” And the recipient of the phone call will know that he/she has been invited. Although a Brit can take place with only a father, mohel, and infant present, it is preferable to perform the mitzvah in the presence of a minyan. Since Orthodox Jews count only men in a minyan, at least ten men are “informed.” Increasingly, women are informed and do attend Brit ceremonies in equal numbers.

  2. Designating the honors. The primary honor is that of sondek, equivalent to a godfather. Generally, one of the grandfathers is asked to be the sondek. The sondek holds the infant while the mohel performs circumcision. It is considered a great honor to be invited to the sondek. Since there is only one sondek and, hopefully, two sets of grandparents present, a wise couple will casually mention to the other grandfather that next time. ….

  The other honorees are these:

  The kvatterin, the woman who takes the baby from the mother, carries it in, and gives it to the

  kvatter, the man who brings the baby to the

  kiseh shel eliahu, the man who is called by the title of the chair on which he is seated. A special chair is designated as the seat of Elijah, the prophet who is associated in Jewish t
radition with Brit and with protection of little children.

  The chair set aside for Elijah doesn’t need any special preparation. It can be any regular chair, designated on the spot for this special purpose. (In many European synagogues of previous centuries, there was a special chair that was called kiseh shel eliahu, which was used only for the purpose of a Brit ceremony; synagogues of today do not have such chairs.)

  The man who is honored with kiseh shel eliahu holds the baby while special prayers are recited and then he gives the baby to the sondek, and the circumcision begins. After the ceremony, either the original kvatterin can take the baby out or another woman can be given the honor.

  3. If the Brit is going to be performed in a synagogue, the service can be followed in a regular siddur, of which there will be more than enough. If the Brit will be at home, it is a thoughtful gesture to have enough copies of the service available so that guests can follow.

  4. Preparing the seudat mitzvah. As with so many other mitzvot, we celebrate with a feast. A religious feast does not mean a six-course meal. It means breaking bread together in celebration of performance of a mitzvah. Since the Brit is usually held in the morning, the religious feast is light fare. Very often it consists of bagels, cream cheese, lox, fish salads, and fresh vegetables. If a Brit takes place during the Nine Days (see p. 472), it is customary to hold it in the late morning or early afternoon, and serve a meat meal, which otherwise could not be eaten during the Nine Days. A Brit meal can be simple or lavish, prepared by the new parents, family, friends, or a caterer. There should be enough booklets of the Grace After Meals for every guest to follow, since a special Grace is recited at the seudat mitzvah of a Brit. If a Brit falls on a fast day, there is, of course, no seudah.

  5. Some families have a small crocheted kepah prepared for the baby to wear at his Brit ceremony. First-time teenage aunts are very good at speedily whipping up these little creations.