How to Run a Traditional Jewish Household

by Blu Greenberg

  From the perspective of what a thirteen-year-old is all about, it was a brilliant puberty rite, a simple yet profound ritual that caught a child-man at this important transition stage in his life and focused his energies in a particular direction—of Torah, synagogue, mitzvot, community, and faith....

  Bar Mitzvah

  CELEBRATION

  The term “Bar Mitzvah” is used interchangeably to refer to the celebrant or to the celebration. It is a noun, not a verb, and though people often do say, “David was Bar Mitzvahed,” this usage is nevertheless incorrect.

  To celebrate the event of Bar Mitzvah, all one needs, besides a thirteen-year-old boy, is a day on which the Torah is read in a minyan, prearrangement for him to be called up for an aliyah, and a seudat mitzvah in honor of that event.

  The Torah is read at morning services every Monday, Thursday, Shabbat and holidays. It is also read each Rosh Chodesh, the first day of a new Hebrew month. Although the Torah is read on fast days, with accompanying aliyot, for obvious reasons a Bar Mitzvah is not celebrated at that time. Theoretically, a boy could be called up for his first aliyah during Shabbat or holiday Minchah (afternoon services), for the Torah is read at that time too; but this is very rarely done.

  In these times, most families celebrate the Bar Mitzvah on Shabbat. However, in previous generations a Monday or Thursday Bar Mitzvah was quite common. Millions of Jewish boys throughout history have celebrated the event simply by having an aliyah in shul on Monday or Thursday morning, followed by a slightly more elaborate breakfast or lunch at home.

  SELECTING THE DATE

  The celebration should be held as soon as possible after the thirteenth birthday, according to the Hebrew calendar. Originally, Jewish manhood was defined by the development of secondary sexual characteristics such as the growth of pubic hair. Rather than check each individual for physical signs, the age of thirteen years and one day was chosen as the standard day. As soon as the child is born, one can know what his Torah portion will be simply by consulting a comprehensive (hundred-year) Hebrew calendar. If the Bar Mitzvah is to be celebrated on Shabbat, the date should be reserved on the shul calendar many months in advance. Some synagogues have a policy not to schedule two Bar Mitzvah celebrants on the same day.

  Although formal celebration might not be scheduled for the week of his birthday, it is customary to call up the young man for an aliyah at the first Torah reading after his thirteenth Hebrew birthday plus one day. In many yeshiva day schools, he is called up for his first aliyah on Monday or Thursday at the school morning minyan, to which his family has been invited.

  THE SYNAGOGUE

  Because the essence of the ceremony is so simple—reciting the Torah blessings—it allows great flexibility in embellishing it. For example, on a Shabbat Bar Mitzvah in an Orthodox congregation, a boy might very well lead the Friday-night services. On Shabbat morning, he might lead the entire service, or perhaps only Shacharit. He will generally read the entire Torah portion, and the Haftorah, although some choose to read only the verses of their aliyah. In smaller congregations, he may be permitted to give a dvar Torah before Mussaf, the additional service for Sabbath.

  THE ALIYAH

  The Maftir, the eighth and final pair of Torah blessings, is the aliyah traditionally reserved for a Shabbat Bar Mitzvah; this is so even if he has read the entire Torah reading before he gets to his aliyah. The aliyah blessings are as follows:

  Congregation responds:

  He repeats the response and continues:

  Barchu et Adonai hamvorach. Baruch Adonai hamvorach I’olam va-ed.

  Baruch ata Adonai Elohainu melech ha’olam asher bachar banu mikol ha-amim, v’natan lanu et torato. Baruch ata Adonai, no-tain hatorah.

  Bless the Lord Who is blessed. Blessed be the Lord Who is blessed forever and ever.

  Blessed are You, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has chosen us from among all peoples by giving us Your Torah.

  Blessed are You, Lord, giver of the Torah.

  Just before he recites these blessings he will kiss the Torah. He does not actually lean over and kiss it. Instead, with the fringes of the tallit (prayer shawl) between his fingers, he touches the spot where the reading paused, then brings the tallit fringes to his lips to kiss.

  Immediately after the Torah portion is read, he will again kiss the spot where the reading concluded, and recite this blessing:

  Baruch ata Adonai Elohainu melech ha’olam asher natan lanu torat emet, v’chayai olam nata b’tochainu. Baruch ata Adonai, notain hatorah.

  Blessed are You, Lord our God, Ruler of the universe, Who has given us Your Torah of truth and thereby planted among us life eternal. Blessed are You, O Lord, giver of the Torah.

  BARUCH SHEH’PTARANI

  Immediately after his final blessing, the boy’s father will recite these words:

  Baruch sheh’p’tarani Me’ansho shel zeh.

  Blessed be He Who has released me from the responsibilities [punishment] of this child.

  It sounds harsh, but in fact it has no bearing whatsoever on the next ten years of the parent-child relationship, high-school education, college tuitions, discipline, health and welfare, and so forth. What it really symbolizes is that the Bar Mitzvah has now reached Jewish maturity and is independently responsible for his own action or inaction. The blessing lends a sense of closure to the involuntary cycle that began with the Brit. Now the young man must make his own determination to carry on the ways of his forebears. As soon as the father recites the blessing, in many synagogues the congregation will sing a mazel-tov song.

  HONORING THE GUESTS

  Other aliyot are usually distributed to members of the family and their special guests. In larger synagogues, a certain number of aliyot are reserved for the celebrating family. In smaller synagogues, oftentimes all of the aliyot and indeed all of the synagogue honors, such as leading the services and giving the guest sermon, are at the discretion of the Bar Mitzvah family.

  Two examples of the ability of Jewish law to accommodate personal needs: sometimes there are not enough aliyot to go around. On one Shabbat there might be two Bar Mitzvah celebrations, a groom’s ufruf (“calling up” for an aliyah the day before his wedding), a new baby born, an ill person to pray for, or someone’s near escape from an accident, all of which warrant an individual aliyah. Moreover, the first two aliyot are reserved exclusively for Kohen and Levi. These aliyot cannot be given to an Israelite if a Kohen or Levi is present. In order to “free up” the first two aliyot, those who are of priestly or levitical descent will step into the vestibule for a brief moment while the sexton calls up an Israelite, “in place of” a Kohen or Levi.

  On occasion, hosafot are added. These are additions to the regular seven aliyot. A pause is made in between one of the latter aliyot, and an additional person is called up to recite the Torah blessings. Many congregations, however, prefer not to do this, because then the Torah readings and the service drag on too long. Where there is an urgency to honor additional guests or family members, however, it can be and has been done.

  In most synagogues, the rabbi’s sermon follows the Torah reading. At the end of the sermon, the rabbi will call up the Bar Mitzvah boy to say a few words directly to him. It can be a bit uncomfortable or awkward for a thirteen-year-old; parents can help by reviewing with him where to put his hands, eyes, feet—all of which seem to feel unconnected to his body at that moment of full public view. As a friend replied to her jittery son, trying to relax him when he asked where he should put his feet, “Just walk them over and set them down near the rabbi and then let the rest of your body settle on them to hold them steady.”

  After services, the family will often host a Kiddush in the shul social hall, to which members of the congregation may be invited. The Bar Mitzvah boy usually recites the Kiddush blessing for all the guests. The Kiddush reception can be simple or lavish depending on the inclination of the family and the size of the congregation. For some families, the Kiddush will suffice as the seu
dat mitzvah. Where that is so, challah should be provided in order to recite the hamotzi and to conclude with the Grace which formally symbolize a meal.

  An ounce of prevention: Although most Bar Mitzvah boys are well bred and quite mature, it doesn’t hurt to take sixty seconds before the big day to remind a young man how to shake hands, look directly at well-wishers, accept graciously the hugs and kisses of loving relatives, and remain accessible until all the guests have left. Also, that he should not remove his jacket at the Kiddush, not play with soda-pop bottles in the corner of the room as his less mature friends might tempt him to do, nor to roll his eyes if someone says “I was at your Brit.”

  SEUDAT MITZVAH

  As with most other happy events, we celebrate with a religious feast. At the seudat mitzvah, the boy will lead in the hamotzi and in the mezuman, the quorum that convenes the Grace After Meals. He will most likely recite his Dvar Torah at the seudat mitzvah rather than in the synagogue. If the space and setting allow, there will be speeches, dancing, and singing. Some families and friends prepare a skit and write grammen (rhymed lyrics) about the Bar Mitzvah boy.

  THE DVAR TORAH

  Most Bar Mitzvah boys are expected to prepare some words of Torah with commentaries or a discussion of a Talmudic passage. Occasionally this is delivered during services, but more often it is part of the seudah. The boy is usually asked to work on it himself, but he often needs some help from parents, rabbi, and/or teachers. In the more right-wing yeshivot and Chasidic communities, the tradition is to have the boy memorize and recite a complex and sometimes abstruse Talmudic discussion, complete with post-Talmudic commentaries and arguments on the fine points of the law. Sometimes the boy really understands, sometimes not. However, one cannot really say that this is less meaningful than a speech prepared on one’s own; at the very least, it is a symbol of his commitment to be familiar with the sources and the methods of learning. Simply to memorize such a speech is an accomplishment and an important statement in this rite of passage.

  HOW TO CELEBRATE

  The seudat mitzvah, like the synagogue ritual, allows for great flexibility. It can range from simple to elaborate as one’s taste and finances allow. Happily, the trend these days, even with catered affairs, is toward the simple. I haven’t been to an ice-duck Bar Mitzvah in at least a decade. People do keep in mind that a Bar Mitzvah is not a wedding, and they scale it down accordingly. One should have a clear notion of simplicity before setting out to negotiate with a caterer. Party planners, the cooks at the local yeshiva, kosher take-home food places, a talented amateur cook in the neighborhood who is on the verge of striking out professionally—there are many resources to call upon.

  LOGISTICS

  The advantage of a Shabbat or holiday celebration is that there is a special aura about marking an event in holy time, and with one’s full community. The disadvantage for Orthodox Jews is that a family and friends who are not within walking distance must arrive before Shabbat and stay until it has ended. Many people cannot leave their homes for the entire Shabbat. Moreover, for the host family, it means providing lodgings and several meals for a large crowd.

  There are numerous ways to get around the “distant guests” problem:

  1. Schedule the Bar Mitzvah for Shabbat morning, with a Kiddush or luncheon following services and then

  2. Host an open house—with staggered times if it’s a small house and a large crowd—on a Sunday for guests who couldn’t come for Shabbat. In winter, when Shabbat ends early, Saturday night is also a good time for an open house.

  3. Host a catered brunch or dinner on Sunday following Shacharit or Minchah services. Even though the boy had his aliyah on Shabbat, the fact that he leads the prayers allows guests to feel that they are participating in his religious maturation and not just a party.

  4. Schedule the Bar Mitzvah for a Sunday Rosh Chodesh or a weekday holiday when the Torah is read.

  5. Combine several of the above. I have been to numerous Labor Day (Monday morning) or Thanksgiving Day (Thursday morning) Bar Mitzvah celebrations which were “second affairs,” with the boy leading the weekday services and reading a new Torah portion just as he had done several days earlier for Shabbat services and the previous week’s Torah reading. It wasn’t just a rerun; on the contrary, it symbolized that the boy had mastered two sets of skills.

  Other alternatives: Some people take all their guests to a hotel for Shabbat; some families celebrate the Bar Mitzvah in Israel at the Western Wall or Masada with whichever extended family and friends happen to be in Israel at the time.

  PREPARATION

  Preparation for a Bar Mitzvah really begins when the child is born. Everything we do with our children is to teach them not only to become “mentschen,” mature, decent human beings, but also to take upon themselves, bit by bit, step by step, an entire way of life known as ohl mitzvot, the yoke of the commandments. “Yoke” often carries with it a negative connotation, so let us think of it as the mantle of mitzvot, as is symbolized by the tallit on the shoulders of the thirteen-year-old, a child, who takes on as an adult a broad and deep range of commandments for which he has been training for as long as he can remember. Like all things in life, the event takes on significance in direct proportion to the preparations for it.

  THE PRE-BAR MITZVAH YEAR

  Nevertheless, like a symphony, Bar Mitzvah reaches a crescendo in a series of last-minute or final-year moments of intensity. The year before the Bar Mitzvah is something quite special. During that year, a boy will begin to learn the how-to of many Jewish rituals.

  He will begin to learn the prayer services sufficiently well so that he can lead a minyan. This is generally taught in his school, where he will learn by trial and error by being given a chance to lead the school minyan.

  LEARNING TRUP (CANTILLATIONS)

  If a Bar Mitzvah boy is to read the entire Torah portion, it is well to secure a good teacher a year in advance of the date, for it is not that easy a task to master. There are many fine teachers—including some women—who specialize in teaching trup, the Torah cantillations. Synagogue cantors and sextons also have much experience and enjoy the opportunity. If a parent has the skills, the time, and the right chemistry, there is nothing better. I know of one woman, an excellent Torah reader herself, who helped her son with his trup lessons. Many boys are aided by the use of tapes that are prepared specially with their parshah.

  The Bar Mitzvah boy will surely be practicing around the house for many hours. A month or so before his “debut,” the practicing will intensify. By the time each of our sons reached his Bar Mitzvah day, his siblings and some of his closest friends, knew most of his Torah reading by heart.

  One word of advice to parents: if the child doesn’t seem to be picking up the melody, seems tone deaf, and makes the same errors week after week, stay calm. Children learn at different rates. All of our children were prepared for Bar or Bat Mitzvah by their father. He taught the three boys to read trup. Moshe learned his portion in three weeks, and then hardly practiced the whole year long. David learned evenly and at a steady pace; a month before his Bar Mitzvah, we switched the date to one week later, so he had to learn an entirely new portion, which he did with great calm. J.J. studied for several months, with little progress; just when his father was secretly convinced that J.J. had cantillation dyslexia, he got his whole act together and outperformed our wildest dreams for him. Not one mistake....

  A week before the Bar Mitzvah, a boy will read the first part of his Torah portion, without an aliyah, at Minchah on Shabbat afternoon. It is kind of a tryout for him. So, too, at the Monday-and Thursday-morning minyan. By the time the next Shabbat comes he will have developed some public presence. Even so, if there is time during the week prior to the actual Bar Mitzvah, it doesn’t hurt to have a full dress rehearsal at the synagogue where he can read from the bimah (the platform) and practice leading the prayers, just as he will be doing before a full house on the coming Shabbat. If he is to give a Dvar Torah in shul, that, to
o.

  TEFILLIN

  More important for a boy than learning to read the Torah with cantillations, more important than the seudat mitzvah, more important than anything else connected with his Bar Mitzvah is his introduction to tefillin, phylacteries. As an adult Jew, he will be required to wear tefillin daily, one for the hand and one for the head. “And you shall bind them as a sign upon your hand and they shall serve as a symbol between your eyes” (DEUT. 6:8). Tefillin are worn on weekdays, while reciting the Shacharit prayers.

  In outward appearance, tefillin are two sealed black boxes with long, black leather straps attached. Inside each box (bayit) is a tightly rolled parchment on which a scribe has painstakingly and finely written four Biblical pericopes: Exodus 13:1-10; 13:11-16; Deuteronomy 6:4-9; 11:13-21.

  Because of the exactness with which they are written, sealed, painted black, positioned on arm and head, straps wound around hand and fingers, the way they are removed and placed in their protective box, tefillin possess a mystique that goes beyond the contents of the four passages inscribed within. It is all part of the magic that engages and absorbs a young, impressionable boy.

  Unless tefillin are ordered long distance, such as from Israel, fathers will generally take their sons to buy tefillin together, and teach them how to put them on. To be given the tefillin of a beloved deceased grandfather is especially meaningful to a young boy.