Untamed (Vampire Awakenings, Book 3)

by Brenda K. Davies

  "Something more than drinking blood?"

  He chuckled as he took hold of her hand and held it in his lap. "Yes, something more."

  "Please don't tell me you can turn into a bat or something like that. I'm not so sure I can handle having slept with someone that can become a rodent."

  "We stay entirely human shaped," he assured her.

  "That's good to know. So what is this uniqueness?"

  His thumb stroked over the back of her hand. "When we meet the person, or vampire, that we're meant to spend the rest of our lives with, we form an intense bond with them, one that cannot be severed. One that can drive us mad if we happen to lose our mate or if the bond isn't completed."

  Emma didn't know where he was going with all of this. It seemed so strange but then again there was nothing normal about him or his family. "And how is this bond completed?"

  "Sex and the exchange of blood, if one is a human then it's necessary that they become a vampire too."

  An unsettling feeling was beginning to form in the pit of her stomach. Her hand tightened around his as she struggled to continue to breathe normally, she knew he could hear the increased beat of her heart and her palm was becoming sweaty. "I see," she murmured.

  "My mother and father are mated, so are Isabelle and Stefan. My father nearly lost complete control of himself before the bond with my mother was completed, Stefan and Isabelle tried to stay apart but it almost killed her and it nearly drove him insane. I've never seen anything like what Isabelle went through while they were separated, she was in such agony and there was nothing I could do to help her."

  "That must have been awful," she murmured.

  His gaze was haunted as it came back to her. "It was. I didn't understand it at the time, not completely, but I understand it now."

  Though she tried her hardest to keep it from happening, her bottom lip began to tremble. "Ethan..."

  "This is your choice Emma; I won't force you into anything, ever. If you decide that this is not the life for you, I will respect your wishes. I will make sure that you are safe and I will go away."

  "It can't be me," she whispered. "How could you possibly think that I'm your mate in such a short amount of time?"

  "It is you Emma; I have no doubt about that."

  Her head spun as she tried to grasp what it was that he was telling her. She felt the impulse to pace, almost jumped up from the bed, but she didn't think her legs would support her and she didn't feel like falling flat on her face so she remained where she was.

  "The bond between mates is so strong that they can actually read each other's thoughts and communicate with one another telepathically. The pathway between the minds is opened when the bond is completed," he continued. "I don't expect a decision from you now, but if you choose to come back to me, you have to know what it is that you're getting into. If you come back to me Emma there is no going back, not for me. This is forever."

  The urge to grab a paper bag and start breathing into it filled her. She felt as if a tornado had just picked her up and dumped her in the middle of a bunch of munchkins.

  "Oh crap." Those two words did absolutely nothing to describe how she felt right now, but they just popped out. "Why do you believe so strongly that I am your mate?"

  He'd been trying so hard to keep his more volatile side hidden from her, but now he may have to expose it. She stared at him as he tried to think of a way to explain it to her without frightening her even more. "Don't lie to me Ethan, if there is even a small chance that all of this could work out, you can't keep anything else from me. I'll never forgive you if you do."

  He leaned forward to press a kiss against her forehead. "I won't lie to you and I'll never keep anything from you again, but I don't want you to be frightened of me."

  "Ethan I am well aware of the fact that you could kill me before I even blink, believe me there's nothing you could say that would be any more frightening than that realization."

  "I'm not so sure about that."

  Those words were about the least reassuring thing she'd ever heard. "Not telling me is scaring me even more."

  He leaned against her side. "This connection, just the touch of you, it calms me in ways I never thought possible. I'm not like my siblings Emma, they're easy going in ways that I've never been before."

  "But you've always seemed happy to me," Emma said her tone revealing her confusion.

  "Because of you, and I was happy with my life even if it was stressful at times, but I'm different than they are. There's always been something inside of me, something deadlier, something crueler than what they are. I've fought for as long as I can remember to keep my thirst and my impulse to kill under control."

  He waited for her to recoil from him, to jump up and run away, but she remained where she was and she didn't look at all horrified by what he was telling her. For some reason that made him feel as if he had to elaborate on his words, he had to make her understand what a monster he was. She was going to get up and walk away when he was done anyway, he might as well make it sooner rather than later.

  "Killing is all I've ever desired and once I reached maturity, and stopped aging, the urge to drive my fangs into someone's neck and bathe in their blood has been a nearly constant battle for me."

  Emma took a deep breath as she tried to process his words. "But you've never done it before that man last night?"

  "No, he was my first but I've kept myself away from humans because of that constant fear. You're the only human I've ever been with Emma, the only one I've had extended contact with in years. I didn't think it was possible for me to be around a human for any length of time until I met you."

  "Then maybe you're more like your siblings than you thought."

  Ethan lurched up from the bed and paced away from her. "I'm not like them, they're good, and I'm twisted. There's something wrong with me."

  "There's nothing wrong with you Ethan," she whispered.

  "If you knew some of the things I've done to try and escape what is inside of me, you wouldn't think so," he growled.

  "But you've never killed anyone before yesterday and you don't hurt people."

  "Not anyone that didn't ask me to." The widening of her eyes and her recoil from him was what he'd been looking for. "I've inflicted pain on vampires that have asked me to and I've asked them to do the same to me, in bed."

  Emma's breath caught in her throat as his words sank in. She leaned back as he returned to her and rested his hands on either side of her. "There are things I've done to try and make what is inside of me go away that would make you cringe. That would make even the most diehard sadist cringe or perhaps it would make them proud. We don't die Emma; we can go far beyond what any human could in order to gain pleasure from the pain."

  Emma swallowed heavily as she searched his face. He was trying to push her away, she knew that, but no matter how much he tried to convince her that he was unredeemable, she saw the longing in his eyes. He expected her to run, expected her to turn away from him and call him a monster just like he believed he was, but no matter what he said he could never be a monster in her eyes.

  "I have been whipped so badly that the skin on my back was completely gone. It took me hours to heal from it and you know what I did? I got off on it, Emma. I've been chained for hours, burned, branded and beaten to the point that I've had broken bones and I got off on it because I enjoyed it. I did the same to the woman that asked me for it and I got enjoyment from that too."

  "Stop," she whispered.

  "Stop what?" he snarled as his eyes turned red.

  Emma thought a reasonable human would cringe away from him; instead she tilted her chin and glared up at him. "Stop trying to push me away!"

  "Would you like to know what else I've done?"

  "No."

  "But you want to know it all."

  "That isn't you Ethan," she whispered.

  "You don't know who I am."

  "Don't I?" she retorted with defiance. Some of his antagonism deflated
as he studied her. Yes, she did know who he was, more than anyone else she knew who he was, and she was still sitting before him. "Whatever you did or whatever was done to you, wasn't something you deserved no matter how much you believe or believed it was. If I know anything it's that you can't be trapped within your past, you'll only be buried within it if you are, and if you allow that to happen Ethan then you will be lost."

  "You're too good for me."

  "I'm not perfect Ethan!" she snapped, her patience fraying. "I don't understand what you're trying to do here? Shock me into walking away, bring me closer, or prove some kind of point. Why are you telling me this Ethan?"

  He stared at her as he tried to figure out the answer to her question. She had asked to know everything but that wasn't why he was telling her this. He was telling her because for once he was able to tell someone every awful detail that he'd been trying to deny, been too ashamed to face, and fighting to keep buried about himself. He could finally unburden himself and though he was going about it in a bad way, he found that he had to get it out.

  "Because I can," he admitted as some of his anger faded away. "Because I can tell you things that I've never told anyone, because I have to tell you Emma. Because I've lived with this and fought this for so long, but I was always so certain that one day I would lose the battle, and be consumed by the power of death. Last night, with that man, the voice inside promised that his death would bring me release, it only made it so that I crave more, and then you touch me. The driving bloodlust, the burning urge to kill, it all just fades away and for the first time in my life I have peace. You are my angel Emma but I'm a monster."

  She was trying to let her mind rule over her heart but those words drove her to her feet and to him before she could stop herself. She wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest. "You're not a monster Ethan, you're my hero, and though I'm so unbelievably confused and uncertain right now, I do know that you're a better man than you're giving yourself credit for. You are a good man Ethan, that's the whole reason you've never harmed anyone that didn't deserve it, or didn't ask you for it."

  Ethan was unable to believe that she was willing to touch him after what he had just revealed. He stared down at the top of her head before coming to his senses and slipping his arms around her shoulders. It felt so unbelievably good to be holding her again, and though he believed that she was wrong when she told him he was a good man, he couldn't let her go.

  "You shut the world out," he whispered into her hair.

  "You can't shut the world out Ethan, that's not living."

  "You make it possible for me to live in the world then." He was going to be her complete undoing, she realized. It was so difficult to keep her distance when he was saying things like that to her.

  "I'm not entirely sure what this world is anymore," she said with a small laugh.

  "These past couple of days have been a lot for you, I know, I'll give you time to decide what it is that you want."

  She forced herself to release him and take a step back. His hands lingered on her shoulders before slipping away, the minute the contact with him was lost his eyes took on that reddish color. Emma shuddered as she searched his face. "I don't understand. You said that your father was nearly driven mad, that Isabelle almost died, and yet you would let me go?"

  He rested his hand against her cheek. "The only thing I care about is your safety and happiness Emma. If that means I have to walk away then that is what I am going to do."

  "And what will happen to you?"

  "Don't worry about me."

  Emma frowned as he turned away from her and walked toward the door. "But I do worry about you. What will happen to you Ethan, will you go mad; would you die?"

  His shoulders hunched forward as he grabbed hold of the door handle. "I will stay away from you."

  It wasn't an answer to her question but she didn't have time to press him on it as he opened the door and left the room. Emma took a step after him as the door shut with a click of finality that caused tears to form in her eyes. Everything inside of her screamed to go after him but she remained unmoving as his words continued to swirl through her mind.

  An eternity with a man she was fairly certain she was in love with, but what about her life? How could she give up everything she'd always known? Would she even have to give it all up? Her heart felt like it was shattering, tears slid down her face as her thoughts turned to her parents. She couldn't stand the thought of messing with their minds in any way. Then there was everything that he had just revealed about his sexual history. She didn't know how to assimilate the man that had touched her with such tenderness and care, with the one that had enjoyed inflicting and having pain inflicted upon him so much.

  CHAPTER 22

  It was nightfall when she emerged from her room. She hadn't meant to fall asleep but exhaustion had taken hold of her after Ethan's revelations, and now she was wide-awake. There was a light on in the kitchen but the rest of the house was still as she made her way down the hall. A small squeak escaped her when Ethan lifted his arm from his eyes as she stepped into the living room; she hadn't seen him lying on the couch until he'd moved. She clutched the edges of her robe together and let out a nervous laugh as a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

  "Everything ok?" he asked.

  "I fell asleep. Is everyone else already in bed?"

  "They are." There were sundaes topped with whip cream and cherries that didn't look as enticing as he did when he sat up and put his feet on the floor. The muscles in his back flexed as he dropped his head into his hands and ran his fingers through his disheveled hair. She'd never seen a man as chiseled as he was as her mouth began to water. "Are you hungry?"

  "Just getting some water."

  "I'll get it for you."

  "You don't have to..." He was already rising to his feet though and heading toward the kitchen. The shorts he wore hung low on his waist, revealing the v-shape of muscles at his hips and the trail of hair that led to an enticing place that she yearned to touch again. Her heart was racing as she followed a few feet behind him. He pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and handed it to her. "Thank you. Has Tristan done anything tonight?"

  "Not so far."

  "Do you plan to stay awake all night?"

  "I can't sleep anyway." He leaned against the counter to study her from eyes that were that strange mix of red and green.

  Emma took a sip of water as she studied him. Her fingers twitched as she fought the urge to touch his smooth skin. She would give anything to ease the tension in his shoulders, anything to turn the color of his eyes back to the vibrant green that she loved so much. Unable to hold his gaze anymore her eyes darted to the fridge. She frowned at the massive dent in it.

  "What happened?" she inquired.

  He barely glanced at it. "I lost my temper the other night after what happened with Tristan and punched it."

  Emma's eyebrows shot up as she stared at the massive dent in the middle of the heavy-duty appliance. The amount of force behind that punch must have been about the same as a charging bull. "Remind me not to piss you off."

  "I'd cut my hands off before I ever touched you in anger."

  Her eyes flew back to his, her heart melted at the absolute conviction behind his words. "Ethan, I don't want to hurt you."

  "You're not Emma."

  "Your eyes..."

  "I'm fine."

  "My family..."

  "I know how important family is Emma, believe me. You've met some of the crazies that are a part of mine."

  She chuckled as she took another sip of water. "They're not so bad." Her body began to heat and tingle as she felt his stare burning over her skin. She took another drink in order to wet her parched throat as she prepared herself to ask her next question. "Did you want to do to me what you did with those other women?" She could feel the color creeping into her face at the question. She'd barely heard her own words but he inhaled harshly and his hands clenched upon the
counter.

  "No," he hissed. Her eyes flew up to his. "Not once Emma did I ever think about doing such a thing to you, or have you do anything like that to me."

  "Did you..." she broke off and swallowed heavily, she was pretty sure if she touched her face right now she might actually burn her palms. "Did you miss it? Was what was between us lacking in some way for you?"

  He grabbed hold of her chin as she ducked her head and nudged it upward. "Look at me, Emma." He didn't speak again until her lashes reluctantly fluttered upward and she hesitatingly met his gaze. "There was nothing lacking between us, nothing. What is between us is something pure and wonderful. What I did with those women was lacking and I never want to experience it again, I've never been as fulfilled as I have been since meeting you."

  "Ethan..." she breathed as tears filled her eyes. She didn't think she'd ever heard such amazing and beautiful words before in her life

  "But you're still not ready for me are you?"

  "It's not that."

  "You're not ready for my world, if you were you wouldn't be asking me questions."

  "What would I be doing?" she whispered.

  "You'd be taking me to bed."

  She smiled tremulously at him. "I don't think that's a good idea right now."

  His hand slid away from her chin. "Maybe you should try and get some more sleep."

  She was thrown off by the change of topic but his eyes had started to turn a deeper shade of red as he watched her. "You're right," she mumbled. "Thank you for the water."

  A trickle of apprehension slid through Emma as she noticed his hands clenched around the edge of the granite countertop and the corded muscles standing out in his arms. A bead of sweat had begun to form on his forehead. She did this to him; she was doing this to him.

  "Ethan..." she took a step closer to him in order to try and comfort him. She had to do something to ease that awful look on his face other than just walking away.

  "Eternity Emma, blood, death, your death." His eyes pinned her to the spot, making her immobile as they became the color of a stop sign, and seemed to be trying to convey the same message. "You remember those things when you come near me; you remember those things when you think you might want to touch me again."