She squashed that thought quickly. She'd told John goodbye, and she was about to take vows with Gabe. She couldn't be thinking of another man while she did it.
She had to stop thinking like that. Married women didn't cheat on their husbands. But her husband made it plain he wouldn't be wanting her. What was she supposed to do when he spelled it out like that?
At the boarding house she paced and fidgeted all morning trying to compose herself for the wedding. She really liked Gabe but she knew deep down Gabe could probably break her heart, if she let him.
Giving up John wouldn't be easy if Gabe refused to touch her. Nadine knew she was a physical kind of woman and needed to express those feeling often.
"Would you relax, you'd think you were going to a funeral." Sarah laughed as she helped her slide into her beautiful white laced shoes. Ma guided her over to the floor length mirror so she could have a look at herself.
Nadine stared, she'd never looked so good.
"Maybe I am…" Nadine whirled around, dragging the long trail of her gown with her.
"Nadine, are you committed to this marriage?" Sarah asked as she came up from straightening the hem of her dress and pulling out the trailing.
"I think so. But…he admits he don't want to make love with me." Nadine cried. "He's putting a roof over my head and food in my belly, and I guess he thinks that's enough. Maybe I should think that is enough, too. But it's hard to accept. The vows we take today should be shared."
Jo Ella flushed, but took her hand. "Lots of women marry just to get married. Men are shy about marrying a woman. He'll come around. I know you know how to get a man to want you. You two barely know each other. Give it time, Nadine. You know how to handle men. And he's already gained a lot of respect in this town by turning the farm around like he has. He conducts his business and he lives and upright life. He pays his bills. What more can you expect to start with. You got to give each other time to fall in love, that's all."
"I guess you are right. I'll try. I just feel I’m doing this all backwards."
They rode a decorated buggy to the church, Jo Ella, Ma and Sarah were with her.
But as she walked down the aisle, with all those faces staring at her, and the whispers from some, she had her doubts.
Did anyone in Vada know about her affair with John? She had doubted it before, but today, she wondered what were they whispering about?
She saw all the hard work the girls had gone to, to make this special, the flowers, the music, the preacher.
Gabe looked handsome as the devil, waiting for her. He was dressed in a black suit and white shirt with a tie. His face was placid, as though he was determined not to have any feelings in this sham of a marriage they were creating. Nadine's legs barely carried her to him, as Harry guided her down the aisle. "Hey, don't look so serious Nadine, it's not a funeral. Gabe's a good man."
"You're right. But all these people…makes me nervous."
"Just don't think about them. Think about how happy you are gonna be." Harry instructed.
Nadine nodded and tried to smile. Evidently Harry had no idea how Gabe really felt.
They turned to the preacher and Joe opened his bible and turned to the page he wanted.
He gave them a serious glance, then smiled.
When the Joe began, it seemed more real to Nadine, and that was scary. Marrying a man she hardly knew, just for a home and to finish out her contract.
But then she remembered all the things that Gerty had told her, and she began to smile. Gerty wanted this marriage so she had to try, if for no other reason.
"Do you Gabriel Martin Lewis take this woman, Nadine Leann Williams as you lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, from this day forward…"
Gabe said the words, he acted as though he meant them, but she barely heard any of it.
She had almost backed out of it, just before the music had started. Running seemed a good option. But she really did want marriage. She wanted to have what others had, a home, a family. And knowing how Gabe affected her, she wanted him too. But would the love come?
Her mind worked on her goal. Had she lost her mind? She was marrying a man she barely knew all because he proposed and he was black. Love hadn't entered into it and she knew that. And worse still, Gabe had almost promised her there would be no sex. So how could she ever love a man that refused to touch her?
She deliberately pushed John from her mind. Even if it was a bad idea, it was too late now.
When Gabe slipped the gold band on her finger and the cheers went up, the preacher told him he could kiss her.
Gabe took her in his arms as though he cherished her, his big arms going around her slowly, his eyes staring into hers, and his head began to bend. He kissed her with a heated desire she quickly realized. Taken by surprise she let him have every freedom with his kiss. His tongue shot into her mouth and he went deep. Nadine's senses kicked in. She smelled the light cologne he had worn, she felt the touch of his lips caressing her, she tasted the salt of his lips, and she enjoyed the kiss.
Giving into it momentarily, she let him sup against her lips. The kiss was mind boggling and left little doubt to the congregation that they were madly in love. He needed no direction in the art of kissing. If his love-making was as grand as his kiss, she'd have been thrilled to marry him.
But it ended all too soon, and although she lost time and place, her recovery was quick when he let her go.
Afterwards there was a dance and he had danced with her. He was a good dancer and she moved to be close to him. He didn't object. When they waltzed their bodies seemed to fuse together, fitting perfectly.
"You make a nice looking couple" Jo Ella admitted later when she pulled her aside to assure her.
"Yeah…we do don't we?"
He brought her punch, complimented her dress, and actually smiled. His smile took her by surprise, and warmed her heart and her hopes.
But later as they rode home in the buggy she knew she was going home to a house that was empty of feelings or emotions, doubts began to flood her. It was all for show. In some ways it was thoughtful of him to put on that show, she admitted deep down. Still, the empty void later made her worry she'd done the wrong thing.
Nadine felt numb.
How could he kiss her like that, and not feel something?
She didn't want to take her dress off, but she didn't want to soil it, so she hurriedly changed and headed for the kitchen.
She made lunch for them and they ate in silence.
"Well," he said as he wiped his mouth. "I'll get out of these borrowed clothes and get to work."
Nadine sighed. That was the end of it?
Disappointed she nodded in silence.
When he'd changed he came out of the bedroom and looked at her. "You looked beautiful coming down that asile." He said. The compliment was genuine, but it held no thrill for her.
"Did I?" She didn't look at him.
"Yes ma'am you did."
She ventured a glance at him. "You looked very nice too."
He almost smiled, just like he almost smiled before he kissed her so wantonly at the altar. She had thought maybe just being married would loosen him up a little. After all, anything he wanted to do was legal now. But did he want to do anything?
She hadn't pictured her marriage being so cold.
"Gerty would have been very proud." She said dully.
He buttoned his shirt slowly, as though considering her words. "She was glad we were marrying. It's a good thing, all around. Guess I better get to work, now." He said pulling his overalls down so he could tuck his shirt in. She watched him, fascinated. She got a quick glimpse of strong legs and thighs. Her eyes moved upward, but he was soon fastening his clothes and she turned her head away.
"You're going to work on our wedding day?" She snapped at him. Guilt snapped her mouth shut. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."
He bent down to explain. He was close and his look was sincere. "Look, I don't know what you expected. But yo
u have a home now. You are respectable now. You are a lady that can hold her head up high. I felt that might be important to you. You seem like a proud woman, I wanted to give you something to be proud of. I'll make you a good home. And I'm generous when it comes to money. If you want something, and I can afford it, it's yours. But I have no expectations of you loving me. We are strangers…"
"We don't have to stay that way." She insisted looking at his face for some sign of agreement. "I-mean we are married."
"Getting to know someone takes time, and we got plenty of that." He encouraged. "And I'll honor our marriage Nadine. I hope you do the same."
His words were like some spoken contract. As though there were no true feelings meant. And she knew exactly what he meant when he said, "I hope you do the same."
He was worried about her seeing John.
Had he given her the slightest indication that they might have a relationship, she might have told him that she broke it off with John. But he didn't, and she wouldn't.
"Do you want children?" She blurted out, her tears barely in control.
"To have children, you need love between you, and we don't have that. Let's just say, that right now, I don’t' expect them." And he walked out to the fields.
Nadine fretted all day. This was her wedding day. He could have made it so nice, and yet, he didn't. He made it an ordinary day.
Why had she expected otherwise? He told her how it would be.
Perhaps she shouldn't have broken it off with John at all. She knew she couldn't live without love for the rest of her life. And in his way, John did love her. The feelings John gave her comforted her today.
Her brief fantasy of loving Gabe the night before the wedding seemed like a far-fetched dream. Although she ached to hold him, touch him, and make him hers, she dare not. That was lustful thoughts, and she had to put that behind her. Gabe obviously wasn't a lustful man.
Yet when there was no love, lust was the next best thing.
It was insane, but she could feel her hands going over that dark bronze skin of his, feeling the ripples of muscles. She wanted to lick the sweat from his body when he came in from the fields and taste the salt of it. She wanted to be one with him. She was his wife, no matter how it happened. She wanted to feel married.
Tears rolled down her cheeks. She washed the dishes and swept the floor with a flourish.
She was angry, and nothing was better for anger, than work.
Right now, if John came along, she'd run off with him if he would take her. At least John had feelings. Good or bad, he wasn't some cold hearted person.
Gabe had nothing for her.
All he offered her was a home and a name.
Nadine flopped into one of the kitchen chairs and laid her head on the table. To live a life without love seemed like some punishment from God himself.
That night when Gabe came in from the fields, he washed up before supper, and joined her at the table.
She'd made her best meat loaf, and fried potatoes, with fresh canned beans from Gerty's pantry.
He finally smiled at her. And Nadine was paralyzed at the effect that smile had on her. The man was gorgeous when he smiled. Why didn't he do it more often? Why couldn't she make him smile more often?
She heated up like a furnace.
"This is one fine meal. Thank you." He said as he buttered his cornbread and shot her a quick glance.
"I guess you are pretty tired, huh?" She asked smiling back at him.
"Yeah, I'm gonna read me a chapter from the bible and probably wash up some and go to bed."
Nadine nodded numbly.
Still nothing from him. No sign he might rethink their situation.
"You read?" She asked, a little surprised.
"Yes, the plantation owner sent us to a special school at the missions. I take pleasure in reading the bible every day. We went to school with the Indians. It was the best part of my life back then."
Nadine nodded. "That's interesting. My friend Jo Ella taught me to read and write my name. I can read some books by myself. I still struggle sometimes."
"That's good. Everyone should learn to read?" He acknowledged. "Sounds like your friend was very smart. If you like I can read you a chapter a night. Would you like that?"
Nadine nodded, "That would be nice. Jo Ell said a real lady should know these things." She answered but hung her head once more. "Well, it don't do much good. I have no books though."
"You can read anything here…" He gestured at the bookshelf in the front room.
Gerty's home was very cozy, having nearly everything she could possible need or want, but she hadn't explored it that much. She'd always been busy in the kitchen or with Gerty.
She glanced at the shelf that housed a dozen or more books. "Thank you."
When he saw her ill ease he frowned. "Nadine, anything that is here in this house, is yours now. The books, the clothes, anything. This is your home. I want you to be comfortable with it. You are my wife in all respects, save one. And if you need something, just let me know. I'll treat you right, Nadine. We'll have plenty of food, a shelter and we'll get along."
"I think I understand. But…?"
"I sense something is wrong. Have I done something to upset you?" He asked so innocently she nearly slapped him.
"Answer my question, will anything change between you and me? I mean now that we are married. When a marriage isn't consummated, you don't feel married."
"I realize that, and I'm sorry." He grimaced. "In time, if you want it to. But let's give it some time, okay? You aren't even sure you like me yet. And I would never force myself on you. I hope you know that."
"It's our wedding night, and yet you act as though it is any other night, why?" She nearly barked at him.
"Oh…I see. Well, I told you…"
"I know. I just thought, maybe…on our wedding night. Just once. I don't feel very married right now. To be married and not consummate that marriage seems almost wrong to me."
"Nadine," He reached to take her hand in his. "I like you. I think you are pretty. But…I, like you are not in love with you. So…"
"I see…is that the way it will be? You offer me everything but…love?"
He frowned but twisted her hand back and forth as though weighing his words. "You have small hands, soft hands. Pretty hands. From the moment I met you, I liked you Nadine. I loved you for what you did for Gerty. You are strong, and deep down, I think you have a streak of good in you that wants to just pour out. I like you Nadine, but I won't bed a woman I don't love. It's that simple. And you don't love me, either. Just because we married gives us no right to go to bed together. So what is the point? You love another man, and I will not dishonor our marriage by trying to tie you to me. If the day ever comes that you can let go of this John…maybe we can be together like that. But that's up to you."
"You kissed me like you loved me in the church. The point is we are married…" she shouted. "You have every right…"
"Where there is no love, there is no right. Now…do you want a baby?"
"What?" she frowned as she shouted at him.
"We are married, legally and in the eyes of God, and if you want a baby now, then I will make that happen. But I don't suggest it, as we are still very much strangers. I guess all things change in time. Or can. But right now…it's too soon to expect anything."
Nadine firmed her lips, the look in her eyes scorched him. "I don't want a baby. Babies should be born in love. Not like this. But…"
"Then you are lustful?"
"Maybe I am, but at least I have feelings…At least I admit it."
Nadine wanted to scream her frustration at him. Wasn't he normal? Didn't he want what other men would pay highly for? What was wrong with him?
"I'm not lustful, I'm normal." She got up and walked out of the room. "And if you want me to fall in love with you then quit throwing John in my face."
He heard her, for his head jerked up and he cast her a glance over his shoulder.
She
slammed the door.
He didn't follow. He did exactly as he said; he read his bible, cleaned himself and went to bed...on the floor.
She lay in that big bed all alone on her wedding night, wanting the man she married, and mad because she wanted him.
He on the other hand had no trouble, going straight to sleep and lightly snoring.
Chapter Five
Weeks passed and the loneliness continued for Nadine. Gabe talked, but he rarely looked at her, he did everything to make their life together impersonal. Nadine hated this non-committal marriage she got herself into.
It wasn't normal to live with a man and not make love with him. Was it?
Then one day after Gabe left for the fields, John came by. Nadine had just finished hanging out the wash. It was a hot and sunny day, the birds were chirping, and Nadine barely noticed its beauty.
He dismounted in a hurry and rushed up on the porch. Overlooking the area, he felt he was safe from being caught. He knocked on the door. Nadine had been busy with the wash and was just cleaning their dishes from the noon meal.
~*~
Unsuspecting Nadine opened the door to see who was there, and there stood John. Finely dressed, and smelling so good, he smiled into her eyes. He grabbed her before she could object and kissed her as though he could not get enough of her.
Afraid Gabe might come along, she jerked him inside by the hand.
He held her hand and turned it over against his.
As though it wouldn't dawn on her to reject him, he kissed her hand. She didn't object, she couldn't. She was hungry for his affection.
"John," She murmured, then pulled him close needing his kisses. Her lips melted into his as he swept his mouth over hers masterfully. He closed the door with his boot. The way he touched her, kissed her, made her want him even more. For a moment she lost her head and kissed him back. She welcomed his need of her. As he buried his face in her neck, he planted small enticing little kisses there. She felt goosebumps rise on her skin.
This is what she craved, the feeling of being loved and appreciated. She relished John's advances, welcoming him into her arms.
Last Bride, Last Man (Book Three of the Red River Valley Brides Series) Page 5