“Mia, time to wake up,” Allie said in a soft voice. “Busy time before the show.”
Mia groaned before climbing out of bed. “Are we getting ready here or there?”
“Why don’t you shower here and then we’ll take the limo to the arena?”
“Okay,” she said, walking across the plush carpet to the bathroom. “You’re going to be here the entire visit?”
“Yeah, except after the show tonight and tomorrow morning.”
“You’re getting laid!” Mia exclaimed, removing her clothing and leaving it in a pile on the floor. She opened the shower door and turned it on. She tested the water and got in.
“That is the plan,” Allie replied, her face turning a nice shade of pink.
“Everyone is getting laid except me,” she pouted as the hot water poured over her head. “Have you talked to Ethan?”
“Yes. This morning. He wanted me to pick up some items.”
“So, he’s not coming,” she said, her heart crushed. The tears immediately rushed to her eyes.
“No, he’s not,” Allie said quietly. Mia hated the pity in her voice.
Her face crumpled as the tears fell from her eyes. She knew Allie could hear her sobs, but she didn’t care.
“Mia, don’t cry over this.”
“I can’t stop.”
Mia
On the road, February 2008
The weekend in New York went by very fast—lots of obligations, press, meeting fans. After their shows, lots of partying happened. Lots of celebrity friends. Lots of drowning out the thought of her troubles with Ethan.
The last time Mia had heard directly from him was in Toronto. No Skype attempts, even though she left her laptop and Skype on. Even though, he said he had wanted to Skype. That aggravated her. She didn’t like these games, if that was what it was.
One afternoon, while on the tour bus heading to Minnesota, she decided that maybe she’d try to text him again. She had sent him a text on Friday right before her show, wishing him luck before his game. He was probably still pissed at her because she had said she wanted him to lose. He hadn’t replied back so she hadn’t texted or called. She was sick of this lack of response from him.
Ethan
February 5, 2008, 321 PM
Hi.
Mia was surprised when he replied not long after.
Nice of you to finally contact me.
What?!? I texted you on Friday.
You did?
Yes. I wished you luck.
Oh.
Oh.
Since you didn’t reply to my texts, I didn’t send anymore. I had to hear from Allie that you weren’t coming to see me in NY. Funny how you’re able to contact my manager, but the woman you’re supposed to marry, not one word. Seriously, something is wrong there.
His response took a few minutes and she didn’t expect to see what he sent.
I don’t want to do this now, Mia.
Fine. Neither do I!
Tossing her phone in her bunk, she hopped down and headed to the very tiny kitchenette area where they kept snacks and alcohol. She grabbed a bottle of Coke, drank a good deal of it and then added some Jack Daniels to it. She felt the stares of Allie and her bandmates but didn’t care. Without saying a word to the group sitting around the table, she replaced the liquor bottle and went back to her bunk.
She leaned against the wall, her knees up against her chest, and closed the curtain for privacy. Mia took a long swallow of her drink then capped the bottle. She didn’t want to throw up on the bus again. Once was humiliating enough. So she would pace herself and wait to get completely wasted when she was safe in her hotel room.
Out of the corner of her eye, Mia glanced at her phone. She wanted to ignore it, but the urge to check to see if Ethan had texted her back was too great. Swiping her finger across the screen, she sighed heavily when there was no response. That was beginning to be the norm lately with him.
Putting in her earphones, Mia turned the volume up on her iPod. As she listened to the music, the fact that she couldn’t remember the last time Ethan said he loved her stunned her. Crinkling her forehead, she stared ahead, trying to remember. Definitely not since she returned to North America and that had been a week now. The thought of not being able to remember the last time he said those three words depressed her.
Mia grabbed her bag and pulled out her notebook and purged her mind of her thoughts, needing them gone. Writing them out usually helped her sort things out and she desperately needed sorting out.
5 February 2008 3:54 P.M. The Land of Cheese
Why didn’t he want to ‘do this now?’ What the fuck does that even mean? Did he mean just the conversation or … yeah, not thinking about that.
God, I hate the thoughts in my head! I just want them to stop. I don’t want to doubt him. But that’s all I’m doing lately. It makes me so sad that I can’t remember the last time he told me he loved me. Does he even love me anymore? Is that why he hasn’t said it? Does he even want me?
Fuck! Why did that hurt so much to write?
The tears fell as she stared at what she just wrote, the words blurring as the tears came faster. She and Ethan were in big trouble, especially if he’d been having any thoughts like hers.
Mia put a hand to her forehead and saw it trembling. With that shaky hand, she reached for the bottle of Jack and Coke and drank deeply. She exhaled sharply. The Jack overpowered the Coke.
Curling up on the bed, her eyes watched the passing landscape as the bus motored down the highway. Thankfully, it lulled her to sleep and she went with it. Maybe things would be better when she awoke.
“You look like shit,” Allie stated, pulling Mia from her fitful sleep. Mia opened her eyes and found her manager standing next to her bunk, staring down at her.
“I look how I feel,” Mia replied.
“Come on. We’re here,” Allie said, squeezing her leg, providing some much needed comfort. Mia sat up and began robotically packing her bag. She picked up her phone and held it in her hand, debating whether to check it. After a short mental struggle, she tossed it in the bag along with her notebook and pen.
She hopped down from the bunk, grabbed her bag, and followed Allie off the empty bus. She was the last one to exit. She expected to find her bandmates in the lobby, but they weren’t there. Probably already up in their warm rooms, she thought, as Allie handed her the key to her room.
“I’m just going to stay in my room tonight,” Mia informed her.
“Okay,” Allie said, regarding her with a sad look full of pity. She knew Allie could tell that she had been crying. It’s about all she did lately.
“Do we have anything tomorrow?”
“No.”
“Good. That’s really good. See you on Thursday when I wake up.”
Allie laughed as Mia got on the elevator. “Thursday.”
“I’m serious.”
“Ok.”
Mia shook her head at Allie. She was going to shower, order food and veg out on the bed for the next thirty-six hours and watch stupid movies that made her laugh.
She pushed her floor number and the door closed. As she relaxed in the corner, Mia heard her phone buzz. Whoever it was could wait until she got to her room.
The elevator quietly opened and she pushed herself off the wall and made her way to her room for the next three nights. She saw that her luggage was already in her room. Thank you, Allie.
Tossing her backpack on the king bed, Mia set about removing her coat and shoes. She placed them by the chair nearest the door and returned to her bag to search for her phone. She pulled it out and saw that the call she had missed was from Ethan. There were also a couple of texts from him. She clicked on the texts first.
Ethan
February 5, 2008 813 PM
Call me when you get in.
Please.
“Since you asked so nicely,” she said to herself. “But first food.”
Making a quick call to room service, she ordered herse
lf a cheeseburger, fries, and some soup. While waiting for her food, Mia unpacked her toiletries and her pajamas. Then she got out her phone charger and hooked her phone up to it.
As she got out her laptop, Mia realized she’d been stalling. There would be some yelling on this phone call. This had been building up for weeks. Tonight it may very well explode.
Ethan probably already knew that the band had arrived so she couldn’t really stall too much longer. Hurry up, food! She was officially starving. She heard the knock on the door just as she was going to change her clothes.
They brought her food in and set it up on the coffee table for her. She opened the tray and snagged a fry before walking over to the bed to take her phone off the charger.
Sitting down on the sofa, Mia had a couple bites of her burger. She scrolled for Ethan’s name and hit call. She had no idea what she was going to say. So instead she stuffed her mouth with another fry.
“Hi,” his calm voice came over the phone. She couldn’t get a greeting to come out of her mouth. Saying ‘hi’ to each other was a happy thing. Mia definitely didn’t feel happy right now. She was hurt and angry.
“You wanted me to call?” she said, getting right to it.
“Yeah,” he said, resignation in his voice.
Too damn bad. You don’t want to fight. Neither do I, but it’s going to happen, she thought sadly.
But she didn’t know what to say and neither did he. Now, after all these months of just talking, it seemed like they had run out of things to say.
“What’s going on, Mia?” Ethan asked, finally breaking the silence.
Staring at her plate of food, she spoke the words that had been on her mind. “It appears things are falling apart all around us.”
She hated hearing his long sigh. Mia loved this man and didn’t want him to hurt, but she didn’t want to hurt anymore either.
“Ethan, do you still love me?”
“God, of course I still love you! Where is this coming from?”
“Then why haven’t you told me lately? And, when I say lately, I mean in the past few weeks. The last time I remember it was when I was in Brazil.”
“Has it been that long?”
“It feels like much longer,” she admitted, her chest heavy with sadness.
“I love you, Mia. I love you so much. That’s why this hurts so bad.”
“I need you, Ethan. I feel like a broken record saying that over and over. But I do, and the thing that scares me is that you don’t need me.”
“Wait! I’ve never said that,” he exclaimed.
“You didn’t have to. Your actions did,” she stated miserably. “It’s been months since we spent the night together. Weeks since I last saw you, held you, touched you. Our communication has been shit the past month. With that, I would have thought you would have wanted to see me. You could have come to New York this past weekend. You just didn’t want to. You didn’t even call or try to Skype with me. Absolutely no communication with me whatsoever.”
“You seemed to be plenty occupied …” Ethan said, a twinge of bitterness in his normally smooth voice.
“See that pisses me off. How do you even know? You talk more to my manager than you do to me. If you would have bothered to call me, be there with me, I would have dropped all that so I could be with you!” she yelled at him. “All of it!”
Mia kicked her table, spilling the soup on the platter. Fuck, she thought.
“I don’t like this, how we are right now. Hell, I’d even take the way things were before Christmas over this. Then I knew that we loved each other. I knew you wanted to see me. Now I have to ask whether or not you love me. Now you don’t want to see me.”
“I want to see you, Mia! I miss you so damn much.”
“You say this and it makes me not understand why you chose not to visit me this weekend. I just don’t get it. You miss me so damn much,” she said, throwing his words back at him. “And when you have the opportunity to see me, the woman you’re going to marry, you take it. At least, that’s what I thought. So why, Ethan? Why didn’t you want to be with me this weekend?”
She really wished she would have ordered some beer or brought up her bottle of Jack and Coke right about now. With her heart pounding in her chest, the anxiety she felt enveloped her. And why the hell was he not answering? That scared her because she knew it was something. His silence told her as much.
“So, what did you do this weekend?” she asked again. “Besides making it into the playoffs. Congratulations, by the way.” Mia paused briefly before continuing. “Did you have practice?”
“No.”
“So you just stayed at home?”
“No,” he repeated, his voice tight in defeat.
Each response made her madder. What did he do then? Why didn’t he come? She laughed bitterly. “I was right. You didn’t want to come.”
“Mia, that’s not it.”
“Then what is it? I would love an answer because I am tired of wondering.”
“I …” he paused a little too long and she took it upon herself to finish his sentence.
“Wait! I know the answer,” Mia exclaimed, jumping to her feet. She paced in front of the sofa, trying to move so the dread that was trying to envelop her couldn’t reach her. “You were preparing for the playoffs? Tired from the game?”
“No, I went out to dinner.”
She froze mid step. That surprised her. Why did something as mundane as a meal keep him from visiting her? Then it dawned on her.
“With?” The moment she asked, Mia wanted to take it back. She didn’t want to know. She knew she wouldn’t like the answer. Because a dinner with a friend wouldn’t stop him. It had to be more.
“Kristen Ostermann, a reporter …”
“With the sports network, I know of her.” Tall, blonde, and extremely beautiful despite her fake breasts. She saw Kristen almost every week when she was able to watch Ethan’s games. Mia saw the way Kristen looked at Ethan. Mia just chalked it up to a harmless crush. Maybe that’s all it was.
“Yeah,” he answered quietly.
“For an interview?” she prodded.
“No.”
Her heart skipped a beat at that denial. “Then what, Ethan?”
“I don’t know,” he answered uncertainly.
“You don’t know?” she asked incredulously. “You don’t know,” she repeated, letting out a loud puff of air in realization. It was a fucking date!
Mia swallowed back the tears, her breathing ragged and uneven. She desperately wanted to get off the phone. She did not want to deal with this … her fiancé and his I-don’t-know-what-this-is date with Kristen. She jabbed at her phone to end the call and then threw it at the sofa.
“Fuck!” she screamed. Her relationship really was falling apart. “Oh, God,” she exclaimed, putting her hand to her chest. Her heart hurt so much. How could this be happening? She spun around her room, trying to center herself, her ringing phone stopping her.
It hadn’t taken long for him to call her back. She walked to the sofa and picked up her phone, answering it without a word, just listening.
“That’s the first time you’ve hung up on me,” he said in a raw voice.
“It’s the first time I’ve found it necessary to do so,” she replied more calmly than she felt.
“Mia, nothing happened. I didn’t sleep with her.”
“No, that’s where you’re wrong. Something did happen. First, you chose her over me. You went out with her and you were unsure of whether or not you wanted to do more. You thought about it! You wanted it enough to not come see me. Something is definitely wrong there.”
She was surprised at how calm she was, on the outside anyway. Inside, her stomach churned, the bitter nausea rising and she feared she may throw up.
“Why, Ethan? Talk to me.”
Mia hadn’t expected the resentful tone of his voice. “I was mad, frustrated, and pissed off. That has been a constant for me the past few weeks.”
�
��At what?” She knew the answer but sadistically needed to hear it from him.
“You!” he yelled, the word forced like he didn’t want to speak it. He didn’t want to feel it. “Do you ever think that maybe I’m tired of this too?”
“Yes, of course I do.”
“I hated seeing you out there having fun, seeing pictures of other men touching you. I hated knowing that you were getting so drunk every day and that you still continue to do so.”
She sighed heavily. If you only knew, Ethan.
“I’m not drunk now.”
“But you were drinking today.”
“Goddamn it! Does Allie work for you or me? Does she tell you when I go to the bathroom? When I shower? What I eat? When I cry? Did she tell you when I drank today? Did you put that all together?”
“I did,” he said softly.
“I am fighting, Ethan, but I am losing. I feel like I am failing you,” she said, the tears once again finding their way from her eyes.
“Mia, I love you and you haven’t failed me. Please don’t think that.”
“Then why did you do it, Ethan?”
“To forget, I guess.”
“You should have just got drunk, like me.”
They were silent for a moment before they both laughed at the absurdity of it all.
She sat back down on the edge of the sofa. “Ethan, how did it get to this?”
“I don’t know. I wish I did.”
She sighed, leaning into the sofa, her head falling back against the plush cushion. Scared wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how she felt. It terrified her that they might not make it through this.
Mia stared at her feet on the table and her now-cold food. That food would not bring her the comfort she had wanted. What she needed was something to take the pain away. She saw a trip to visit Todd in her future. Hopefully Dr. Feelgood had something to make the hurt disappear.
“Mia? Are you with me?” Ethan’s deep voice brought her back.
“Yeah,” she said, clearing her throat. “Just a little lost in my thoughts.”
“Would you mind if we Skyped?”
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