They finally crossed paths—albeit via text. Which, after the fact, he was thankful for. Texting gave him the opportunity to think before he spoke. It let him veer the conversation away from the anger.
Ethan saw the sadness in her eyes with the picture he asked her to send. He needed to see that. Even though Mia smiled, it hadn’t reached her eyes. He saw it in her next texts, in her need to see him. His anger was forgotten until she told him she would be rooting for the other team to win. After all he’d been through this season, she had the nerve to say that to him. Her lack of support rocked him. He needed to ignore that and focus on the game.
They both needed a break after that. Ha—a break. He had been wrong then and she was wrong now. To break up … or a break, whatever the fuck that meant, was not the answer.
So he contacted Allie last night after his talk with Mia and together he and Allie had concocted this plan to get him up here for the night.
Ethan ached for Mia’s pain. He was very concerned about her. Shit, he was fucking worried. He needed her in his arms, to tell her it would be alright. That they would be okay.
The ride seemed to take forever but only took about fifteen minutes. He was excited to see his fiancée yet his body was a nervous wreck. He was unsure of how this would play out. It had been over six weeks since he had last seen her. Too many things had changed.
Crossing the open lobby, he spoke to the front desk clerk. “I believe you have a package for me—Ethan Christopher.”
The clerk’s eyes bulged from his head at hearing Ethan’s name. “Um, yes, sir. Let me get that for you.”
The clerk scurried to the office and a few moments later, he returned with a brown envelope.
“Here you go, Mr. Christopher,” the clerk said, handing Ethan the package.
“Thanks,” Ethan said. He walked away from the front desk and opened the envelope, smiling as the key slipped into his hand. Tapping the plastic card against his fingers, he crossed the lobby to the elevators. He pressed the up button and waited as the anticipation settled in his stomach. He couldn’t believe he was actually nervous to see Mia.
On the elevator ride up to her suite, he wondered what her reaction would be to his surprise. Would she be so excited that she would jump into his arms like she did when he first visited her in Los Angeles right after they got the record deal? Or would she be pissed? Damn, what would his reaction be?
Ethan slid the card into the key slot and waited as it registered. He entered quietly. The room was pitch black except for the light coming from the huge window overlooking St. Paul. Maybe she went to bed early. Allie had said Mia had no plans tonight. He placed his bag on the sofa and walked to the bedroom and found it empty.
Damn it, he thought, running his hand through his hair, where the hell was she?
Returning to the living area, he turned on some lights. He smiled as he looked around. The place was a mess. Her clothes were all over the place. He picked up the shirt she wore last night, smelling her scent on it.
He sat down on the oversized chair facing the entry, waiting for her return. Ethan glanced at his watch—eleven thirty. Picking up one of her magazines, he absently flipped through it for a few minutes.
The door unlocked and Ethan tossed the magazine on the table and stood up, watching excitedly as it opened. But his stomach dropped at the sight of Mia on Todd’s back. She was tearing off her shirt and once it was off, she tossed it aside.
“Mia! Keep your clothes on!” Todd exclaimed laughingly. She slid off him and started undoing her jeans.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have thrown me into that snow pile. I’m soaked.”
“I needed to cool you down,” Todd laughed, pulling off his jacket and throwing it with her clothes. Ethan stood there, his shocked heart racing, listening to this exchange, watching Mia push off her jeans, exposing her long, lean legs.
“It didn’t work,” she said, trying to kick off her jeans. She tripped on her fallen jeans, taking Todd with her and stumbling to the floor.
“Ow!” Mia groaned before a peel of laughter escaped her and then Todd. She finally kicked off her jeans and lay beneath Todd in just her underwear.
“You okay?” she asked him through her laughter. Todd stopped laughing and nodded at her, his eyes locked on hers.
Ethan didn’t move. He couldn’t speak. He was frozen. But when Todd lowered himself against Mia, touched his lips to hers and made her moan, Ethan woke the hell up.
“Holy Fuck,” he thought. He must have said that aloud because they abruptly stopped. Todd looked up from Mia, his mouth still on hers, and met Ethan’s angry gaze. Ethan saw the realization dawn in the fucker’s eyes. His lips were off her in an instant. Todd scrambled up and helped Mia to her feet.
“I’ll leave you to your fiancé,” Todd said, grabbing his jacket and escaping from the room.
“Fiancé?” Mia asked, staring at the door, confused.
“Mia?” Ethan asked, his heart hurting so much.
She turned from the door and he immediately noticed something different in her face. She didn’t seem very alert. She looked absent. Her eyes were moving way too fast. But her face lit up when she saw him.
“Ethan!” she exclaimed, stumbling a little as she made her way towards him. “Oh my God! Is that really you?”
He stiffened when she wrapped her arms around his waist. A part of him wanted this embrace so badly. Another part still reeled from the shock of her half-naked beneath Todd while he kissed her.
“I’ve missed you so much,” she continued, her hands sliding down his back and then around to the front. She pulled at his shirt and then boldly put her hand on his cock. God help him, he was getting hard. How can that possibly be? He was so livid yet, at the same time, very confused about her behavior. She just totally forgot the fact that she was kissing Todd.
Mia pulled him down to kiss her. Oh, God, he couldn’t do it. The vision of her and Todd was still too fresh in his mind. He coughed, not believing all that was happening.
“Do you need a glass of water?” she asked, heading towards the bathroom. Ethan followed her and that’s when he finally understood. He saw the container of pills, the paper wrappers, the bags of weed littering the bathroom counter and was horrified. His eyes shot over to Mia and looked at her again—really looked at her. Even with the bright lights on in the bathroom, her pupils were huge to the point where he could barely make out the brown of her iris. The white of her eyes was blood shot and her lids were half-closed. Goddamn it! His fiancée was fucking high as a kite.
“What the hell?” he thought he had just said that in his mind but she looked up at him.
"What is it, Ethan?" she asked, concerned.
"Nothing," he said, realizing nothing could be accomplished right now, not with her in this condition.
She opened a container of pills, took one out, and popped it in her mouth.
“What did you just take?” he asked, stunned that she was so nonchalant about taking pills in front of him.
“Five HTP,” she answered. “It’s to help me make serotonin.”
The limited amount that he knew about drugs was being accessed in his mind at a furious rate. He had absolutely no clue as to what drugs she may have taken or why she would need more serotonin. “Mia, what are you on?”
She cocked her head to look up at him and smiled giddily. “All kinds of fun things,” she said, sliding her hands up around his neck and playing with his hair.
“Like?” he asked, trying to ignore her touch and the way it was going straight to his cock.
“Pot, ecstasy, and I’m pretty sure I had some lovely alcoholic drinks, too.”
Holy shit. When the fuck did this all happen? Ethan knew about the alcohol but the drugs … this was so not good.
“Mia, will you tell me why you took the drugs tonight?”
“I could, but I’m not. We talk too much. I want you to touch me,” she said, pulling his body to hers. He gave into the embrace for a moment before pul
ling back. He needed answers.
“I will, if you tell me why?”
She wrapped his hand in hers. “Lay with me, Ethan, and I’ll tell you.”
He followed her into the bedroom. She took a step back and stood there in just her black bra and matching panties, regarding him with her dark eyes. She certainly was beautiful. Even though she was high and he was mad, the way he felt about her hadn’t changed. She’d always be the most beautiful woman in the world.
She crossed the short distance to him, her eyes on his, and began to unbutton his shirt. Damn it, Mia. How could he be getting turned on right now? He had anger, confusion, but no, his body wanted this woman. It didn’t care what his brain thought.
Running her hands up his chest, she pushed the shirt over his shoulders, her stomach grazing his hard cock. She surprised him by placing her soft lips on his chest as she pushed the shirt off, tossing it to the side.
“I’ve waited weeks to do that,” she murmured, her breath hot and moist against his skin, his will power evaporating.
Mia laced her fingers in his and led them to the bed. He didn’t think any of this would be happening. He never thought he’d entertain the idea of cheating on her, let alone almost go through with it. He knew tonight was a reaction to yesterday’s confession. Well, at least he hoped so.
She released his hand and crawled onto the bed, her lace-covered bottom in front of him. Ethan ran his hands through his hair because what he really wanted to do was grab a hold of that ass and rip off those tiny black panties.
Control.
She pushed down the blanket and laid down, sighing once her head touched the pillow. She sounded run-down and not because of lack of sleep.
“What is it, Mia?”
“I’m so tired,” she said quietly, staring out the window. “Please come lay with me.”
He went to her, draping his arm around her, his bare chest against her back. She felt so good, so right. She was home. Yet he was so conflicted. Laying with his fiancée, the love of his life, should not leave him so conflicted. They were in trouble. That was for sure.
“Why did we ever let so much time go by without seeing each other? We were so stupid to let that happen. Now look at us. I am so damn high,” she said, laughing sadly.
“Mia, why did you use the drugs today?” he asked, needing to know.
She leaned further into him, like she was trying to get inside of him. He tightened his hold on her and she sighed. “I did it to forget you. To forget all the pain of the past few months. To forget you telling me about Kristen. To block out the thoughts of her in your arms, your lips on hers instead of mine. I did it so I could feel the one emotion that has evaded me lately—happiness.”
Ethan never regretted a choice more than the one of not visiting her in New York. He let his anger make that decision. He should have known her state of mind instead of ignoring it because her drinking and what came from that pissed him off. He should have seen what the drinking really was. A call out for help. Fuck. He should have been more present—been there for her.
“Did it work?”
“Yes. Why do you think I took it? I knew it would.”
She knew it would? How the hell did she know that unless … unless this wasn’t her first time? He dropped his forehead to the back of her head, the honey scent sneaking its way in his nose. How often had she been high and he hadn’t known it?
He decided to push her since she was being brutally honest with him. “Is this why you’ve been getting drunk all the time?”
Mia shrugged her shoulders. “More to just cope, or should I say try to cope. Because let’s be honest, I have not coped very well at all,” she laughed disparagingly. She turned around and faced him, her covered breasts pressed against his chest. Her eyes were returning to normal. She looked more herself.
“Ethan, all I want is to love you. This whole time … I just wanted to be with you and have you hold me. I knew once I could get these arms around me,” she said, grabbing a hold of his arms and wrapping them around her, “things would be all right. You can make it all better. All of it. I know it.”
He didn’t know how to make it better. To make it even worse, he didn’t know if he could.
She snuggled her head into the crook of his arm. He had more questions, but he didn’t want to think about it anymore. Resting on his back, he trained his eyes on the ceiling. Mia cuddled up against him, placing her hand on his chest.
“I love you, Ethan,” she said quietly against his skin. After a few minutes of silence, her breath steadied out and he realized she had fallen asleep … or more likely, passed out.
Tears filled his eyes as he thought about how fucked up this was. He knew that the reason she was with Todd was because of the drugs. He had no doubt about that. She was not the cheating type. No, that title would go to him.
His mind wandered to what would have happened if he hadn’t showed up. Mia was so high, she’d be sleeping with Todd right now, on this bed, letting him see her naked, touch her, fuck her. She would have cheated on him.
Holy shit!
But she didn’t, he reminded himself. She didn’t cheat.
He regarded her peaceful sleeping body, clasped to his side. How could she have done this? Why did she take this route? He knew that a lot of blame rested on him. He fucked up big time when he didn’t go to New York to see her. Instead of being angry at her for her drinking and her behavior, he should have seen it for what it was—a cry for help.
How long had he been blind to this? He needed to find out and the best place to do that would be in her notebook. He hoped to God she still wrote in it. If he could read that, he’d know more, understand more, or at least he hoped.
He gently removed himself from her and attempted to get out of bed. He stopped when she stirred. He waited until he was sure she had fallen back to sleep before heading to the living room.
Ethan searched the room for the notebook. Where would it be? In the past, any time he saw it, it’d be by the piano or her guitar. No piano in here so he scanned the room for her guitar and finally spotted her notebook on the table next to her acoustic guitar. He snatched it up and sat down on the sofa. He opened it, feeling a tad guilty. These were her private thoughts, but she was in trouble and he needed to know.
He started from the beginning, which was dated after their time together in Indianapolis during his bye-week.
20 October 2007 1:32 P.M. 30,000 ft in the air
I so needed that time with Ethan and my meddling best friend. I know Luke meant well but I could have done without that confrontation with Ethan. Our first argument.
I keep thinking about the fact that I actually yelled at both of them. I don’t yell! Shiny Happy Mia, right?
Wrong.
He remembered being so surprised at her outburst, but pleasantly so. Despite their argument, he was glad to see the passion in her. He missed that, but he missed her even more.
He flipped through the pages, skimming over all the music and lyrics, future hits, he was sure but not what he wanted to read. There were lots of notes about all the new places she had been. He wished he could have been there with her, experiencing it all by her side.
The next entry that caught his eye was dated while he was in Seattle and she was in Europe.
7 December 2007 2:15 A.M. Amsterdam
Something is wrong with Ethan, but I don’t know what. I keep playing it over and over in my head. The way he rested his head on his laptop, tracing my face. The way he abruptly left and came back later looking like he had been crying.
Why was he crying? What’s wrong, Ethan?
That trip he had encountered his first real temptation to cheat on her and he hated it. He felt so guilty, though nothing happened. A beautiful woman had hit on him and Ethan liked it. It made him feel good and the thoughts to act on her flirtation were many.
Two opportunities where he had thought about cheating on her within two months. What the fuck had he been thinking? The problem was he had
n’t been thinking. He was feeling sorry for himself, feeling lonely. He momentarily forgot how good he had it.
21 December 2007 2:49 P.M. New York, NY
YAY! Back in the US! 2 days until I see Ethan! I am so excited! I don’t think he realizes what we will be doing every opportunity we get.
Who am I kidding? Of course, he does!
I should tell him I want to make a sex tape. It’ll freak him out.
Hmmm … the more I think about that, the more I think he would really like that.
AHH! ABORT! ABORT!
He laughed at the above entry. Mia could be such a silly woman. Things were always interesting with her. He had missed her silliness the past few months. Her goofy moods were even more rare than her smiles as of late. Heck he experienced neither the past few weeks until yesterday when he was able to cajole a smile out of her.
22 December 2007 4:47 P.M. New York, NY
I am pretty nervous about meeting Ethan’s mother. I’ve met very few mothers in my life. I try to stay away from them …
Though Luke’s mom was awesome and she loves me—still.
I hope Ethan’s mom likes me …
She loved you, Mia, he thought. Ethan never told her that. With all the anger and hurt feelings, he never told Mia what his mother and family thought about her. He knew she was so nervous about meeting them. She probably still wondered about it.
Turning the page, he saw the dried tear drops on the ink, smudging the words. He knew this was the entry when she found out she’d be stuck in New York over Christmas.
24 December 2007 1:36 A.M. New York, NY
I can’t sleep. Too many bad memories. After almost 20 years, you would have thought this would be easier to handle. It seemed that way for awhile but this year, being away from everyone … it’s like the perfect opportunity for all those ghosts to attack my weakened defenses. I have no reserves—just me. And I just don’t know whether I can win. Because I don’t know how to fight them. How does one fight the Ghosts of Christmas Past?
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