Stockholm Diaries, Caroline

by Rebecca Hunter

  Caroline blinked at him.

  “I don’t get it.”

  “Tommy and Annika? Storybook?” he stared at her and then chuckled. “No, I guess you don’t know. Tommy and Annika are one of the most famous pair of names in Sweden, and this couple just happens to have these names. They’re Pippi Longstocking’s friends. The names are basic Swedish culture, along with IKEA and Volvo. The real Tommy and Annika that own your apartment must endure a lot of laughs over it. You know who Pippi Longstocking is, right?”

  “Maybe,” she said. At least she thought she did. He had now explained why people laughed when she mentioned their names together, but it didn’t seem that funny. Was this what it was like to live in a foreign country? Always feeling one step behind, all the jokes and comments not quite making sense? But when she glanced back at Niklas, the look on his face made her smile.

  “It’s like if a couple were named Orville and Wilbur… if one of those were a woman’s name. Or if they were a gay couple,” he said, laughing. “You know who the Wright brothers were, right?”

  She swatted at him.

  “Give me a little credit,” she said squeezing his muscular thigh. Now her aim was better, and he let out a little yelp, much to her satisfaction.

  Yes, she thought. There was a part of her that wanted to stay, too. Badly.

  NIKLAS STEPPED OUT of the cab and onto the sidewalk, then turned back to help Caroline out. The street was dark and quiet in front of their building, and he drew her in for a soft kiss.

  “Thank you for the meal, the romantic dessert spot, and…” Caroline blushed. “… and everything in between.”

  Niklas laughed and pulled her closer.

  “Thank you for a wonderful night,” he whispered, “in every way possible.”

  He let his hand settle on the curve of her hips as they turned toward their building. But as they started forward, Caroline could see someone standing in their entranceway. And Caroline could already feel the knot in her stomach contract before he fully came into focus.

  “Ludvig? What are you doing here?”

  “The meeting went late. And I thought you’d want your contract.”

  How long had he been waiting there, outside her apartment? And what exactly was he waiting for? Whatever it was that he had expected, this was certainly not it.

  Ludvig’s eyes were no longer on Caroline. Instead, he was staring at Niklas, taking in his arm gently wrapped around her waist. Ludvig’s face reddened, and his lips were drawn into a thin line.

  “This?” he spat, gesturing at Niklas. “This was more important than the planning meeting? We’re leaving for Spain in a couple days, and you’re out…”

  Ludvig’s words faded away. Suddenly, Caroline was aware that Niklas’s arm was no longer around her. His body was no longer touching hers.

  “Ludvig. Ludvig Sundin,” said Niklas, though he was speaking to Caroline. “Now I get it.”

  Niklas nodded slowly, looking up at Ludvig and then back at Caroline. His face was hard and angry, and he spoke in a low growl that only she could hear.

  “You knew. Back in the restaurant, you knew he had written the article. And you didn’t say anything.”

  Caroline felt an icy lump in the pit of her stomach, and it was quickly spreading through her. She opened her mouth to answer but found her thoughts were moving in slow motion, as if she were stuck in a bad dream.

  “I—I didn’t know what to say,” she finally choked out.

  “How about telling me that this was the guy who you were going to Spain with,” he said, his voice still dangerously low. “Although now it’s clear why you didn’t. You know what he wants from you.”

  He was right, though she hadn’t expected it to be presented so bluntly to her. And she hadn’t meant to keep it from him, either, not exactly. She just hoped that she somehow wouldn’t have to face this. But now, as she saw the betrayal on Niklas’s face, she could also see her decision for what it was: a sacrifice of his feelings—and his trust—for the possibility of protecting herself from the mess that she had created and was now facing, head-on.

  Niklas turned away from Caroline. He passed by Ludvig without even looking in his direction and disappeared through the front door of the building, letting it slam behind him. Caroline’s eyes stayed on the empty doorway, stunned by how quickly the evening had changed course. Would she find Niklas waiting for her at the top of the stairs, or would he close himself to her forever? Was their relationship so fragile, so close to coming apart? And, yet, something deep inside her wanted, still wanted, to give up all her other chances, all her other desires for the chance to be with him. It made no sense, and she was afraid of all the things this said about her.

  Ludvig’s voice startled her out of the downward spiral her thoughts seemed to be taking, and for once, she was thankful.

  “Should we go in?”

  The thankfulness Caroline felt immediately disappeared. Ludvig’s voice was steady, even cheerful, as if the memory of Niklas’s presence had simply disappeared. Suddenly, Caroline was angry, though she wasn’t sure if it was Ludvig she should be angry at. Still, Caroline couldn’t hold it back.

  “No, Ludvig,” she said slowly. “No, we shouldn’t go in. This is clearly not a good time.”

  “What do you mean?” he said, his voice taking an authoritative tone. “We’re leaving for Spain. Doesn’t that mean anything to you? You need this.”

  His last words dug into her. How did he know that? Caroline felt the weight of his leverage—and understood this was his intent. If he hadn’t before, he had earned her anger now, she decided.

  “No, Ludvig,” she said with more steadiness than she felt, “I don’t need it. And I’m not going to Spain.”

  Those were the words she should have said to him before, and the relief at having finally said them was physical. How could she have promised otherwise?

  The look on his face had transformed into anger once again, and she briefly wondered how often this change happened. His façade was more carefully cultivated than Niklas’s, but there was something that felt more unpredictable about Ludvig now.

  “How can you back out of this?” he said through clenched teeth. “You made a commitment. We can’t find someone else this late.”

  The more he pushed her, the more Caroline was sure she had made the right decision. She took a deep breath.

  “I’m sorry I’m letting you down, and I appreciate everything you’ve done to help me out since I came to Stockholm. As for finding a replacement, it’s only been a few days since you asked me to come. I assume your team had a plan before that.”

  Ludvig was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “What do you see in him?”

  He waited for her to answer, but when she didn’t, he said, “I get that he’s rich and he has a brute appeal, the way he likes to throw around his strength, but I didn’t think you were someone who could fall for that. How long will that last? He’ll never care about anything but his own success. That’s how they all are.”

  Though she had heard these lines before, they still affected her. Caroline stood, paralyzed on the sidewalk, listening to the angry hiss of his tirade. And though nothing about the Niklas she knew matched the person Ludvig was describing, his words still grated into her, ripping through all the warmth and closeness of the evening.

  Ludvig seemed to sense that he had struck a nerve, and he took a step toward her.

  “He doesn’t care about your career, about what makes you happy,” he said, quieter now. “You can never be more than an adoring fan to him, and one day he’ll grow tired of that, even if you don’t.”

  His last comments cut even deeper than the ones before. This man who barely knew her was spinning the worst possible version of her life. But if even Ludvig could see these problems, didn’t that imply a truth to them?

  Caroline closed her eyes and swallowed back the tears that were threatening to spill over. When she opened them again, Lu
dvig was even closer. Then he took her hand and held it.

  “He doesn’t deserve you,” said Ludvig softly.

  “I’m not some sort of prize that a man does or doesn’t deserve,” she said.

  Caroline pulled her hand out of his and walked over to the door of her building. The cold, still air of the stone hallway hit her as she walked through the darkness, not bothering to turn on the lights. Slowly, she lifted her feet up the stairs until she came to her floor. She stopped in the middle of her hallway, just outside Niklas’s door. She listened for a long time. Finally she heard something from deep inside, a muffled sound, low. She waited for more. Nothing. Then, through the staircase window, she saw a distant flash of lightening, followed by a low rumble of thunder. It must have been thunder that she had heard. Niklas wasn’t coming to find her after the scene on the street, and she certainly wasn’t going after him.

  Caroline unlocked her door and slipped into the dark apartment. Only after the door had closed behind her did she let her tears finally fall. She leaned against the wall, her mind replaying each of the decisions—her decisions—that had led to this moment, right here. She let the tears fall until she was tired of crying.

  She was ready for this night to be over, but Ludvig’s words still wouldn’t leave her alone. He doesn’t care about your career. You can never be more than an adoring fan to him.

  Caroline walked into the kitchen and opened up her laptop. She found the next flight to Brindisi: Sunday at 6:30 am. This was her flight. Early in the morning, so the standby seat she needed would certainly be available. The trip to Spain was off now. She had turned in her second and last article from Sweden. The apartment would be gone tomorrow. She was fairly certain that her pass into the hockey games had disappeared when she said goodbye to Ludvig. All the practical pieces that had made her life in Stockholm work for the last weeks had suddenly disappeared. There was no more putting off her trip, wondering what would happen if she stayed around. The pieces she was juggling had all crashed around her, and the only one left was her magazine job. She couldn’t stay.

  Caroline had hoped that this would somehow all work itself out, that she could somehow have Niklas and everything she wanted for herself, too. But in her rush to grab at everything, she hadn’t truly thought about how her decisions would affect anyone else. And she had hurt Niklas along the way. If she stayed longer, Caroline was sure that the same thing would happen again and again.

  She took out her pen and slowly wrote the flight details on a piece of paper. Then she closed her computer and stared out the window, waiting for the same physical relief that she had felt outside with Ludvig, the relief the right decision would bring. The feeling didn’t come. Another bolt of lightning flashed through the kitchen window, this one closer, and the sharp clap of thunder rattled the dishes in the cupboards. It was long past dark, but Caroline was far from sleep.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Tomorrow?” said Veronica, eyes wide. “But you can’t go yet. You can stay with Filip and me.”

  They were sitting, for the last time, across from each other in Caroline’s kitchen, each holding a cup of coffee.

  “I have to leave now, while I still can.”

  “Forget Niklas. Let’s think about me,” said Veronica with mock exasperation. “What if I’m not ready for you to go?”

  Veronica’s straight face only lasted for a second, and then her smile was so warm and tender than Caroline couldn’t help but smile back. She scooted her chair over next to Veronica’s and put her arm around her friend. But when Caroline released her, she saw something besides amusement in Veronica’s face. It was a rare glimpse of sadness in her friend’s eyes. Caroline felt it too. Veronica was still her best friend, despite the fact that they had gone without speaking for years after college. All those years Caroline had missed her, though she hadn’t quite realized it until she came to Stockholm.

  “I’m just worried I’ll do something stupid if I stay around any longer,” said Caroline, staring down at the steaming cup in front of her.

  “Like throw yourself at an incredibly hot, wealthy guy who is clearly into you?” said Veronica with a wicked smile. “I can imagine worse mistakes.”

  “I don’t know if he’s rich,” said Caroline, considering the idea. “I don’t think all professional athletes are overflowing with money.”

  “Come on,” chuckled Veronica. “He bought an apartment here in Vasastan, one of the most beautiful areas of Stockholm, just because he would be playing here this summer. He’s certainly comfortable.”

  Caroline looked doubtful.

  “Okay, maybe,” she said and then gave Veronica a little smile. “You’ve certainly changed your tune about Niklas. It wasn’t so long ago that you were warning me to stay away from him.”

  “These are selfish interests speaking. I want to have you around here a little longer,” laughed Veronica. Then she added, “And I saw you two leaving last night. You looked… I’ve never seen you look at anyone like that before.”

  Caroline closed her eyes and let flashes of the night before run through her: the way he watched her across the restaurant table, the feeling of his arms gathering her closer against the cold evening air, his body, hot and urgent against hers in the school entryway. And the sudden absence of his hand on her hips as Ludvig spoke to her.

  “Then you clearly didn’t see us come home last night,” she said, unable to keep the bitterness out of her voice.

  “What happened? Found you had nothing to talk about when you’re that far from the bedroom?”

  Caroline took a playful swipe at her friend. Even now, Veronica could make her smile.

  “No, nothing like that,” she said. “Being together with him was wonderful, complicated but wonderful, up until the end.”

  Caroline gave Veronica a few snippets of the evenings: the woman with the phone number, the dinner, the article, the view of the sunset, though leaving out the details from the walk, all the way up to Ludvig’s appearance.

  “He wrote an article saying Niklas is a liability to the Swedish national team?” said Veronica, eyes wide.

  “Or any team. Like he was going after Niklas’s career.”

  “Dios mio,” said Veronica softly.

  They both sat quietly for a long time. Finally, Veronica sighed and took a sip of her coffee.

  “What you and Niklas need is some time together with no one else around. A week on a deserted island in the archipelago, to let the magic of love do its work.” Veronica drew out those last words, exaggerating her Mexican accent enough to make them both dissolve in laughter again.

  “That’s actually what Niklas suggested, though not quite in those words,” said Caroline when she finally recovered. “And believe me, there’s nothing I want more right now than a few more days with him, preferably naked.”

  Veronica smiled.

  “Can’t you just fly down to Italy, do a couple quick interviews and then come back up?”

  Caroline shook her head.

  “Not if I don’t have a lot more money. My ticket only goes East, so once I leave here, I can’t get back without buying another ticket. Which I really can’t afford.”

  Her mind ran through all the scenarios where she stayed with Niklas, looking for one where she wasn’t sacrificing her job. There were none. Wasn’t this the same choice she had faced with Brad just a couple months ago? But this time, the temptation to stay came in a package that was almost irresistible. Niklas was certainly no Brad.

  The smile had faded from her face. “Believe me, I’ve been over this in my mind a hundred times. What comes next? It’ll get harder and harder to leave, but I have to leave sometime unless I’m willing to give up all my plans. And as someone wisely told me, I shouldn’t feel like I’m abandoning a piece of myself.”

  Veronica studied her for a moment. “But aren’t you abandoning a piece of yourself by leaving Niklas?”

  Veronica’s statement weighed into her, an
d Caroline knew it was true, a truth she had tried hard to avoid. Either way, staying or leaving, it felt like she was tearing a piece of herself away. Caroline had been telling herself that she hadn’t known Niklas for very long, that this raw desire for him would fade as quickly as it had come on, but now she wasn’t so sure.

  Caroline felt tears well up, and she swallowed hard to keep them in. Finally, she said, “Well, what am I supposed to do with that?”

  “Oh, Carolita,” said Veronica, putting her arms around Caroline’s shoulders, squeezing her tightly. “You can always come back after your trip, right? I’ll still be here.”

  Caroline hugged her friend back.

  “Thanks for everything,” she whispered. Then she jumped up.

  “Wait here. I almost forgot something.”

  Caroline ran to the bedroom and grabbed a flat, rectangular package wrapped in heavy brown paper. She walked back into the kitchen and placed it in front of Veronica.

  “As a thank you for the interview,” she said. “The piece went over really well, and it started a lot of traffic towards the site.”

  Veronica pulled off the paper and lifted the frame out. Caroline had taken the photo in the coffee shop during the second half of their interview. Veronica was looking to the side, her infectious laugh glowing on her face. Against the blurry backdrop of blond heads, her jet-black hair sparkled in the sun. She looked beautiful.

  “I hope you like it,” Caroline added, blushing.

  Veronica nodded, tears spilling from her eyes.

  “I love it. You know I haven’t laughed this often in years,” she said, looking at her photo. “But you’re right. You shouldn’t give up your trip, either.”

  Veronica stood up.

  “I have to go. I was supposed to meet Filip at his business dinner 10 minutes ago,” she said. “Are you sure you’ll be okay? If I knew you were leaving today, I would have canceled.”

  Veronica gave her one last hug and then wrapped her photo back up.

  “I know it’s selfish, but I don’t want you to leave,” she said as they made their way back down the hallway. “Please come back. You can stay with us, or I’ll find you another place to stay.”