His brother, who is now a father, and his dad who has been sober for a good while. You see, I’d have known those things if I wouldn’t have been too stuck in my own world. I let a man go who loved me more than there are stars in the sky and I’ve sworn I’d never forgive myself for it.
Even as I stand here waiting for my name to be called, that regret sits inside me. It’s a small burn that’ll always simmer. It’s an empty void no one can fill. It’s what my actions caused to happen.
“Ellie Williams.”
I look up and will my feet to move me across the stage. Turning toward the crowd when I hear my name being yelled by my family, I smile before I grab the paper that says I now have a Ph.D.
After Tommy, I focused on nothing but school and work. Weeks of being lovesick caused me to lose any friends I may have had, but I was okay with that. I didn’t come to school to meet friends. I came to graduate and help people who are like my mom. Somewhere along the way I forgot that, but after Tommy left Green Ridge, I remembered and I never veered off the wrong path again.
I know Tommy left because of me, and that’s another thing that weighs heavy on my mind, because I know he loved that small town and all the people in it. Dad says he’s seen him around once or twice visiting his family, but he doesn’t stay long and he doesn’t get into any details about his life.
I wonder if he finished school, if he got married and had any kids. I wonder how he looks now and where he lays his head at night. I think about all kinds of things when it comes to the boy who made me realize love isn’t something to fear. Love is something to hold on to, and it’s the only thing that makes everything else worth it. I know that now, and maybe one day I’ll find it again. But for now, I’ll walk off this stage and start a new chapter in my life. A new beginning.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Cash
Too bright sunshine shines in my eyes as I pull onto the road leading to the house. Rolling my windows down, I let the summertime breeze flow through the truck. The smell of cut grass and lavender floats in the air. Never forgotten memories flood my senses and my mind. My gone girl.
Long dirty blonde curls my fingers miss flash in my thoughts, and after all these years I still yearn to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her she was always enough. Love like ours lasts until a heart stops beating. Hers has, but mine still hammers. Shattered and worn, it keeps me alive even when some days I wish it wouldn’t.
Sometimes I think I can still smell her, like she’s just walked out of a room, but that’s all in my head. Years have depleted any sign of my girl. It’s the worst kind of pain and one I’m disheartened to say will never ease. Lungs that struggle to breathe find a way to keep on doing so even though sometimes it feels like a jagged end of a rusted knife through my chest.
Turning into my drive, I see another blonde who wants more than I’m able to give. She’s holding out for a hope that isn’t there. For a heart already taken. I’m an ass for dragging her along on this ride I should be doing alone, but I can’t seem to quit either. You’d think I’d be over it, that I would have moved on years ago, but grief doesn’t have an expiration date. You can’t tell a broken heart to heal.
I put the truck in park and grab my baseball hat from the passenger seat. With blue wedges and pink toes, she stands and walks over to me.
“Hey, catch any supper?” she asks, smiling as I reach in the back and grab the cooler and fishing pole.
“Yep, got a good bit. The gang’s coming over later, so I need to get these cleaned up.” I walk past her and step onto the porch. Leaning the pole against the frame of the door, I walk inside and head to the back of the house. I hear her follow.
“Want me to help?”
“You wanna help clean fish?” I ask skeptically, turning around to look at her.
“Sure.” She shrugs and gives me a smile. I think she’ll do anything just to hang out with me.
“Your choice.” I push the back screen door open and place the cooler full of fish down. Walking to the shed out near the field, I grab a large wooden board and set it outside the shed. I then take my sawhorses and lift them up, carrying them closer to the water hose before I walk back and pick up the board.
Spreading the horses out a few feet, I place the board on top for a table. I see Piper walking over with an old T-shirt of mine she sometimes wears to bed. With jeans as tight as they can be, she looks good. But she always looks good.
“I’m ready to clean some fish.”
I laugh and walk over to twist the knob on the water spigot. Leaning back up, I slip my wedding band off and place it in my pocket. Turning, I go to walk over to grab the cooler and I see her eyes where I just put the ring. Her expression has changed—gone is carefree and happy, in its place sober and hurt.
I clear my throat and keep doing what I was doing.
“You may want to put some gloves on,” I call back behind me. “There’s some in the kitchen under the sink.” I lift the cooler and turn back. With crossed arms and no intention to move, she runs her eyes over the house and out at the fields.
“You’ll never get over her, will you?” she asks it so low I hardly hear her.
My shoulders grow stiff, and I tighten my grip on the handle of the cooler. Her light blonde hair is braided to the side, falling over her breast as flyaways get tossed by the wind and across her pretty face. She’s beautiful, kindhearted, and totally different from my wife personality wise. I’ve known this conversation was going to happen, and honestly I’m shocked it hasn’t already.
Piper and I started out as friends. She used to be a waitress at Chevy’s and I’d come eat there every morning after my run or drinking binge. Went on that way for years, long after Sara passed. And when she started coming to dinner, I kept her at a distance. Never getting too close, never letting her in, until one evening things changed… maybe I was tired of being lonely. I wasn’t kind after our night together, though. I went by the store, bought a bottle, and drank until I passed out in my bedroom. Piper, being the kind person she is, forgave me and said she understood. I don’t deserve her, and she’s realizing it.
“This house, this field—hell, everything in this town reminds you of her.” Exhaling, the woman who could do better kinda laughs. It’s bitter and defeating. I can do nothing but watch as she gives up. “Do you love me, Cash?” Emerald eyes hold my gaze, but I look off. “Can you love anyone else? Is your heart only big enough for her?”
I swallow and let out a slow breath of air. “The gloves are under the sink if you want to help.” Taking a step, I make my way back over to the table and place the cooler onto the ground. Feeling her eyes on me, I turn my hat backward and roll my sleeves up.
“I won’t be coming back, Cash.”
I twist my head her way. Pain that I’ve caused slips from her eyes and down her soft cheeks. Many years of hope dissipates and she lets it, just as she allows the tears to fall from her jaw and down her throat until they dissolve into her shirt collar.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe.
“I know.” Her chest shakes, and she rubs her hands over her crossed arms. With a strong exhale, she wipes away the sadness from her face.
“You take care.” She moves toward the house with her head hung.
Closing my eyes, I rest my palms on top of the board, and under my breath I murmur, “You too.”
*
Dancing like she’s young again, Maci gives an all-teeth smile at Banner who only smirks. She’s had too many margaritas, and Leigh hasn’t had enough.
“You know this was my jam, Leigh.” One of my wife’s favorites slips off her shoes and begs her best friend to dance with her. But Leigh isn’t feeling it and says she’s gonna go fill up her cup so she can get on Red’s level.
“Where’s Piper?” Mark asks me as his lady walks up my porch steps.
“She went home earlier.”
He nods and takes a sip from his beer. I pull at my label, with both legs stretched out and my ankles crossed. “You know,
brother, I think I might need to get out of here.”
“You want us to leave?”
“No.” I shake my head and rest back in my chair. “I mean out of here,” I say with a small wave of my hand. “Little Miss seems to be doing well with her career in Chicago, I’ve got money saved up, and this old house only reminds me of Sara. Shit, this whole town reminds me of her.”
“What about Piper?”
I rub my jawline and stare off. Piper. “We ended it earlier. I’m still messed up, man. After all this years, I still can’t get over it.” I look down at the band I’ve never put away. “I can’t even take this ring off.” I exhale and lift my hat off my head. “The hell is wrong with me? My wife is dead.”
“Look, I don’t want to tell you what to do, but have you ever thought of talking to someone about this? I mean, maybe it’ll help.”
He doesn’t know that I have talked to someone about this. Therapy helped me realize I couldn’t use the liquor as a numbing mechanism. That I had to learn another way. Ellie was my way. Being the best dad I could be to her and knowing that’s what Sara would have wanted was my only way.
“I think the only thing that’s going to help at this point is if I get away. I need some space to clear my head and figure my life out. I’ve only ever loved Sara and then I had to raise Little Miss. Sara’s gone and Little Miss has her own life.”
I look over when Leigh comes walking out of the house. I see the swing I’d swung on with Sara on her happy days and days where I had to almost beg her to get out of bed just to come down and sit on it with me. The porch steps where I used to share a beer with her. The field she always wandered in. Her garden.
Everything is her and she is everything. I breathe in before I take a sip of my beer. Looking over at a friend that’s been more like a brother to me, I see his concern and his urge to want to help.
This man, Leigh, Maci and Banner, and of course Anne. They’ve all been nothing but supportive, and without them I don’t know what would have become of Little Miss and me. I’ll be forever grateful. I place my hat on my knee as Leigh takes a seat. Looking at her and him, I say, “I’m gonna sell the house.”
*
Running my finger along the wall I marked Little Miss’ height on, I smile faintly as nostalgia washes over me. Little feet running up the stairs and brown curls bouncing. Her mama on all fours trying to get our girl to crawl. The sounds of Sara clapping when she finally did still echo off these old walls and I wonder where the hell time went.
I’m not an unhappy man. I know I seem like it, but I’ve had a great life. Having known my girl since we were nothing but school kids, I got over twenty years with the woman I love. Not enough, but better than some. A daughter who’s just like her and a little like me. A great career and good people to lean on. I’m blessed in more ways than one. Yes…God…yes, I miss my wife. But I’m going to find my bliss again. I’ve just gotta do a little searching.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Ellie
Old gravel road that’s seen many years before me holds the weight of my daddy’s camper. Anne drove away only moments ago with tears in her eyes and a smile she only shows for the retired chief of Green Ridge. He’s the son she never had, and since the day my parents moved to this small town, the woman with a kind soul has always wanted what was best for him.
Piper didn’t show up to the town party we threw. Who could blame her? She’s loved a taken heart for years until she couldn’t do it anymore. With no fight from him, he only made her decision easier but no less painful. Standing with one hand in my shorts pockets, I squint my eyes from the blaring sun and watch as retired and happy puts his last bag inside.
“You sure about this, Daddy?” I ask as I run a hand along the door. The camper is new, and everything that was once in our home is now sold and gone. Even the swing on the porch. Nothing left but old chains and boards that probably need replacing. Empty walls and bare windows. Memories of the past and echoes of years ago laughter.
“Only one thing I’ve ever been more sure of and that was marrying your mama.” He gives me his smile. It’s beautiful, it’s comforting, and it’s the most honest thing I’ve seen in a long time. Returning a grin that matches his, I slip my hand out of my pocket and reach out to hug him. Wrapping his arms around my back, he squeezes tight and kisses the top of my wild curly hair.
“I’m proud of you,” I whisper hoarsely. The break in my voice is noticeable, and I’m torn between being overjoyed and terribly heartbroken. I’m going to miss him more than words can say.
“I’m proud of you, Little Miss.”
I sniff when I pull away and wipe under my eye.
“No tears. This is good. This is the right thing.” My daddy places his old ball hat on his head and looks back at the house. His hat has sweat rings around the bottom edge and dirt fingerprints on the bill, but it’s his favorite.
“It’ll make the new owners a good starter home,” he says pensively.
“Yeah,” I agree. “A damn good one.”
We both look over at the home that holds more memories than time to reminisce about. Mama’s garden is beautiful still, but eventually the flowers will wilt and die. I hope not, though; I hope whoever bought this place will take care of them. I roam my eyes to Bear’s grave and up to my bedroom window. Many nights I spent looking out to the sky, thinking about a boy who’s long gone now. Thinking about my future and how I wanted to do nothing but get away from here. Strange. Now I find myself wanting to come back. Wanting to rewind time and fall in love with Tommy all over again, but I’d do it differently for sure.
I eye the field that’s perfectly overgrown in the back, and my mind drifts to a sky so dark and stars so bright. A little girl with long dark curls holds a clear Mason jar doing her best to catch fireflies while her mama watches.
My mama is in this house. She’s in the creaks in the old boards and the sway of the swing that’s no longer there. Sara Williams is the melody of the wind chimes that once hung. She’s the chipping paint on the rails of the porch and the comforting ruffle of the bur oak’s leaves in the field where I used to catch pretty bugs. She’s here. I look over at the chief who’s no longer the chief. That name went to Ben.
Cash Williams has been many things––Sara’s husband, Chief Williams of the Green Ridge Police Department, my daddy, and now a free man. Held down by no title and no one, he’s got a smile on his face that tells me he’s going to be okay. This man has been through hell and came out on the other side just fine.
“Well, I best be getting on the road. I’ve got places to see.”
I look over his face when he turns to me. Daddy has aged, but like a fine wine. His forehead has wrinkles and his hair shows some gray, but I don’t think his brown eyes have ever looked younger, and that makes me feel lighter.
“Call me whenever you get to your first stop.”
“I will.”
Grabbing onto the door, he steps up and climbs inside. I shut it behind him and back up at the sound of him turning the key. He’s still smiling when he waves. I cross my arms, watching him until he disappears down the road, out of my sight to search for his happy ending.
Exhaling, I shut my eyes before I turn to the house. The For Sale sign on the lawn now reads Sold. Stray leaves tumble across the yard as the wind blows. I hear the chains hit the porch railing as I walk onto the grass.
Taking my shoes off, I wiggle my toes as the thick blades go in between them. I walk toward the steps. Running my hand along the rail, I step up until my feet touch boards I used to play cars on, Bear used to lie on, and everybody I love has walked on. The spare key is still under the mat that’s been left here, and I take it in my hand and place it in the lock. The door opens, and the smells of dust and my childhood take over my senses. Tears fill my eyes as I step inside and walk through each room leisurely with my arms crossed and a heavy heart.
Dirt gets on my feet, because even when you sweep hardwood floors a million times, there are still ti
ny pieces of sand that seem to come from somewhere. I rub my finger over the railing of the stairs, remembering running up these things after an argument with Dad. The slamming door still echoes because I was a teenager who didn’t get her way. I climb each one knowing where the creaks are and smiling because I would make sure not to step on them when I sneaked out at night to go see Tommy.
My dad’s room is empty and claw marks still show on the bottom of the bathroom door from when my mama decided to take her own life and Bear tried so desperately to get to her. My hands shake as I bring them to my lips. How terribly sad that such a beautiful young woman couldn’t do life anymore when she had so much living left.
Making my way out, I stop by my old bedroom and lean against the doorway. The stars that were once there have been taken down, but you can still see where they were placed. Sighing, I turn around and make my way back down the stairs one last time.
I walk through the living room. Turning my back to the door, I look over at the fireplace and my mind drifts. Thinking about fires on cold nights, I bite my lip as I remember mine and Tommy’s first time sleeping together. It was everything.
“Last I heard trespassing was illegal.” The voice pulls me from my reverie and slams my heart against my ribcage. I turn my head back, and the person before me runs his eyes over my face and body until he reaches my bare feet.
He looks away and takes a step inside the house, his boots loud against the old hardwood, his silence driving me crazy. With his hands in his pockets, he roams his browns over the empty walls, stopping at a nearby window and peering out at the fields.
“The new owner hasn’t shown up yet, so I figured I’d take one last look.”
As he slips a hand from his pocket, he runs it through his short thick hair and I look at his arm. It’s bigger, and his skin is a golden brown from being out in the sun. It’s his left hand, and I peek at his ring finger. He wears a band, and my heart plummets.
Chasing Ellie: A Chasing Fireflies Spin Off Page 22