“Is your pop gone?”
“Yes,” I reply thickly.
He turns back to me, and I swallow nervously before I ask the question I’ve wanted the answer to for years now. “Where did you go?” Narrowing his eyes, he leans back against the window.
“I needed to get away.” He looks past me at the floor.
“Did you?” I look at him.
His eyes focus back on mine. We stand staring at each other. Years have changed us inside and out, but the one thing that stays the same is my feelings for this man.
But he wears a ring. I’ve had so many conversations with him inside my head. So many apologies left unspoken, and now he is here and I can’t form words. Looking over the walls one last time, I take a deep breath and step toward the mantel. I place the key on top and turn back to him.
“Dad’s gone. He’s going to spend his retired years traveling.”
“I heard.”
I go to ask how, but then I remember this is Green Ridge so I don’t.
“So many memories in this old house. I can’t believe it isn’t ours anymore.”
Tommy doesn’t say anything. I look down at my watch. It’s getting late and I have a long drive, so I look at him one more time, and with a rapid pulse I softly ask, “Are you happy?”
His eyes focus in on me, and he bites down on his bottom lip.
“Life’s been good to me, L. I can’t complain about much.”
I nod and smile. “I’m glad.”
“What about you? Are you happy?”
I think over his question and how my life has been for these past years. I’ve got a great job. I help people. My apartment isn’t in a bad part of town, and I have a dog. I guess things could be worse.
“I think so.”
He lifts his brow and rubs his jaw. I clear my throat and check my watch again.
“I need to get on the road.” Moving my hair to one shoulder, I give him a closed lip smile and make my way to the door. Opening it, I turn back to him. “It was good seeing you.”
“That’s it?” he asks, pushing away from the window and walking closer to me. “All this time and we just make small talk? That’s all you’ve got to say?”
I turn my attention in front of me, looking over the porch and out into the yard where my shoes are. Feelings I used to be afraid of simmer in my chest. I’m no longer scared, and life goes by too quickly for regret—that I know all too well.
“No,” I say, turning back and letting go of the door. I look at him, his brown hair, his dark eyes. Lips I’ve longed for and didn’t get to feel nearly enough are pressed into a fine line.
“I want to tell you that I’ve missed you. I want to tell you that I’ve been lost without my best friend and that years have gone by and time has changed nothing.” I shake my head. “I want to say I love you, and I want you back. That a day hasn’t gone by where you didn’t cross my mind. I think about you before I go to bed, when I wake up. Every single time something good happens in my life I want to call you. When something bad happens, I want you to be the one to hold me.” I step forward. “I miss the smell of you on my bed sheets. The way your lips felt when you kissed me. Your taste.” I walk closer and reach for his left hand. “Your hand in mine,” I say softly, sadly as I slide my fingers between his. “I miss our fights because I know that is what passion is. I miss everything.” Tears cloud my vision as I bite my bottom lip to keep it from trembling. “I miss every little thing.”
Inhaling deeply, I shake my head and search his eyes. Regret and pain look back at me. “But I can’t say any of that. I can’t tell you any of that,” I murmur remorsefully. I let salty tears fall and cast my eyes down to our linked hands. “Because it’s too late.” Sniffing, I tap my finger against the band he wears. “So yeah, small talk is all there is.” I drop his hand and back up. “It’s the sad truth of our whole relationship, isn’t it? We always went in circles, you and I. One was always a minute ahead and the other wasn’t quite there yet.” I swallow and wipe under my eyes. “I’ve only wanted you to be happy, Tommy, with or without me. That’s all I’ve ever wanted, so to know you are…” I nod and look down. “That’s enough.” I peer back up and give him a shrug. “But even if it isn’t, it has to be, right?”
The man I love so deeply doesn’t say anything. His mouth slightly hangs open, his eyes move over my face, and I don’t give him a chance to respond. I want to be the one with the last words this time. I’ve finally said what I feel. I’ve finally told him everything. The truth will set you free they say. What a load of shit. I’ll never be free; my heart will always be linked to Tommy’s.
One day I’ll marry and have children, move into the suburbs with a little white fence. I’ll have the American dream. Regardless, I’ll think of him. Always him.
“Bye, Tommy.” Walking away, I realize three things: Life isn’t easy, love hurts, and Tommy Kingsley will always, always be the boy who got away.
Chapter Thirty
Tommy
Twirling white gold around my finger, I look to the door that Ellie walked out of. Her words, her face, her tears. I sigh and see the key on the fireplace mantel. Walking over, I grab it and lock the door behind me after I step out. The sun is just starting to set when I put my boot-covered foot off the last step of the Williams’ old house. Blue skies mix with sliver-lined clouds and orange-yellow rays.
I get into my truck and head over to my brother’s place with thoughts of long ago running through my mind. Ellie and I used to walk these roads and talk about a future that’s already here. When I moved away from this place, I only had one thought in my head—I’ve got to figure my own life out. I’ve got to be somebody and then I can focus on us, but life changes faster than the wind shifts, and my plans disappeared like the dust cloud my tires left the day I got out of here…
Two years ago.
I packed up everything that would fit in this truck. The only way I was going to move on was if I wasn’t here. Around her family, around her friends. It’d been a few weeks since our big fight. I hadn’t spoken to her, but not without struggle. She’d called a lot and left desperate messages. My heart was in my stomach, but she was right. This couldn’t work. I’d never be able to put my insecurities to the side. The truth was, I knew Ellie wouldn’t cheat on me. She wasn’t that person, but my mind still went there, and it was making me crazy.
Lifting the tailgate, I turned around when I heard a car drive up. Hudson climbed out and ran a hand over his head.
“You were gonna say goodbye, right?” he asked as he walked over to me.
“Of course. I was just getting everything packed.” I lifted my snapback off, walked to the side of the truck, and tossed it onto the dash from the opened window.
“Where you headed?” my brother asked as he lit a smoke.
“Dan’s got connections in Jefferson City, so I’ve got a job lined up. I’ve already talked to the school. I’m about to be finished, and they said I can transfer my credits.”
He nodded and peered down, flicking his ashes. The wind carried them off as he rubbed his jaw and leaned back against the truck. Looking over at me, he asked, “All because of a girl?”
“This isn’t some fling that didn’t work out, Hudson.” I leaned against the truck too and slid my hands into my pockets.
“I know,” he said. “But damn man…” He sighed and rubbed his head again. “We’ve never been apart.”
“You gonna miss me?” I asked, grinning.
“Shut up,” he said, knocking my arm with his.
I chuckled and we grew quiet, looking ahead at small-town wheat fields.
“I’m fixing to have a kid, and you’re not going to be here,” he said quietly.
“I’ll be here.”
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Yeah, brother.”
He hit his smoke and then tossed it. “I hate it couldn’t work out with you two.”
“Me too, but I’ve tried. She’s tried too. It just isn’t meant to be I
guess.”
“I guess,” he said doubtfully. “Well, I won’t keep you.”
“I’ll call once I get there.” I took my hands out of my pockets, and my brother did something he hadn’t in a long time. He pulled me in and wrapped his arms around me. It was a lot to take in. We didn’t show affection where I came from, but I put my arms around him too. He cleared his throat and pulled back.
“You take care of yourself. Finish school and don’t be a fucking stranger.” He lightly punched my arm.
“Like I said, I’ll call.”
He nodded as I hopped into my truck. I put the key in the ignition and grabbed my hat from the dash. Hudson stood in the drive as I backed up. I gave him a wave, and he threw his hand up. He didn’t move as I took off. I saw him stand still and watch me go from my rearview mirror until I wasn’t able to see him anymore.
I stopped at the three-way. Right led to the interstate, away from here. Left would take me downtown, and the road I was on would take me back the way I came. Leaning, I reached into the glove compartment, taking out the photo of Ellie and Bear.
I scanned my eyes over the picture I threw in there. I looked back at the girl who stole my heart so many years ago. I didn’t think I’d ever get over her, but I was going to try. I had no choice. I closed my eyes and exhaled a deep breath. Putting my hand out the window, I opened my eyes, pressed the gas as I turned the wheel right, and opened my hand. Her photo flew in my rearview mirror, and I drove on.
One year in Jefferson City.
I’d been going since 6 am. I did an hour workout at the gym that morning and then headed off to meet the site development team for a new high-rise building in the inner city. To celebrate my first big contract, the boys and I were going to the bar.
After I graduated college, I moved closer to the city for work purposes. I never thought I’d want to move back into a big city, but it was just ideal right then for what I was doing. I’d moved up quickly in this business, and I was making a damn good living. I talked to my brother when I could, but I didn’t visit as often as I should. I stayed busy. Work took up a lot of my time, which for me was a good thing. I didn’t get a moment to stop and think about the girl I tried not to think about. Even after all those years, I still missed her so much.
The streets were crowded as I walked to one of the bars we went to a lot downtown. I opened the door, and several men yelled my name with beers in their hands and smiles on their faces. I got pats on the back and a cold one put in front of me. One of many to come. I tossed back the beer. A guy I worked with yelled for a round of shots. He made a toast, and I lifted my glass. I threw back the whiskey and couldn’t help but wish I could tell Ellie about this. Fucking Ellie.
An hour later and a good bit of drinks in, I was walking back from the bathroom. My eyes spotted a girl looking my way. She was pretty and dressed like she had just gotten off work. She looked over at her friend and said something. I took a seat and another sip of my beer as she stood up. My eyes didn’t leave her when she made her way over to me.
“You look like you’re celebrating,” she said, smiling.
“I am,” I replied.
“Can I join in?” she asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t think any of us would mind.”
She took a seat beside me and ordered a Manhattan.
“I’m Helen,” she said, sticking out her hand.
“Tommy Kingsley,” I responded, shaking it.
“Well, what do you do, Tommy Kingsley?” She took her drink from the bartender, not letting him set it down.
“I’m in construction.”
“So, you build things?” she asked after taking a sip.
“Something like that.”
“Is that why you’re celebrating?”
“Yes, I just got a contract working on a new high-rise.”
“Here in the city?” She leaned her elbow on the bar and rested her cheek on her open palm.
“Down the road actually. They just broke ground a few days ago.”
“Can we go look?”
“You want to go look at a construction site?” I asked doubtfully.
She shrugged. “It’s awful crowded in here. Figured we could get some air.”
“But you don’t know me. It’s not smart leaving with a guy you don’t know.”
She bit her lip. “You’re right, but I’ve been watching you since you came in. You don’t seem like a murderer. Are you?”
I chuckled. “No.”
She nodded and took another sip of her drink. “So, you wanna go or not?”
I narrowed my eyes at her before looking toward the bartender. I signaled for him so I could close my tab.
After I signed the receipt, I slipped my card into my wallet.
“Let’s go.”
*
Helen and I moved quickly, but unlike Josie, I didn’t sleep with her on the first night we met. I took her to the job site, and we stayed there until the sun came up, talking about our past and the things we had been through. I liked the fact that I could talk to her. It reminded me of Ellie, and that made me like her more.
After a month of dating, she moved in with me. But once the plans got going for the new high-rise, I worked a lot so we didn’t spend a bunch of time together. When our paths did cross, we’d fuck, watch a little TV, and then because Helen worked in advertising and was one of the select few who traveled a lot, we wouldn’t see each other for a few days or so. Honestly, I was okay with that, and it didn’t seem to bother her either. But one day things changed. By this time, we had been living together for a little over a year.
I had just wrapped up a meeting with the crew making sure all the OSHA requirements were being met. The electric company had just left the job site, and I was walking out of the trailer.
“Yo, put that damn cigarette out,” I yelled over to a crewmember. I had just gotten done talking about safety, and this fucker was smoking on the job site.
“Tommy, you’ve got a phone call. It’s some guy named Ronnie.”
I looked back at the trailer, and before I could step, a sound and a force greater than anything I’d ever felt flew toward me in the air, causing me to land hard on my back several feet from where I was standing. A pain shot from the back of my head, and loud ringing sounded in my ears as panic rushed through my body because I couldn’t take in air quick enough. Debris landed around me, and I flipped onto my side and covered my head as I faintly heard people yelling.
Someone touched my shoulder and was talking to me, but the ringing was so loud. I opened my eyes and saw smoke. Turning my head, I saw flames. I coughed and finally got my breathing back normal.
“What the fuck happened?” I got out as my eyes looked to the person beside me. It was Justin, one of the crewmembers.
“An explosion near the sewer,” Justin said.
I held my head and tried to sit up. I heard sirens as I rested my forearms on my knees. I coughed some more and tried to clear my mind and think. The guy with the cigarette.
“Is anybody hurt?” I asked as the fire trucks started to pull up.
“I don’t know,” Justin answered, looking around.
“You’re bleeding,” I told him as I looked at his arm.
He touched it. “Shit, I’ve got a piece of metal in it.”
I glanced around and took in the sight before me. A few of my men lay on the ground. The fire was too big. I felt the heat from the flames, and in my peripheral I saw an EMT run over to me.
“Sir, are you hurt?” he asked.
I shook my head. “No, go help the men lying on the ground!” I coughed again as Justin and the EMT helped stand me up. “Justin’s got metal in his arm.”
“Sir, we’re going to take a look at both of you. Can you get him over to the ambulance while I check on the others?” he asked Justin.
“I can walk fine,” I said, taking a step. Everything turned black as my legs gave out from under me.
I had a small concussion from hitting my head
on the ground when I was knocked back, but I was out of the hospital the same night. Some of the other men suffered worse, but thankfully, no one was killed. The guy with the cigarette had some serious burns on the right side of his body, and I had no choice but to fire him. He could have taken people’s lives because of one dumb move. He tossed the smoke into a sewer, and apparently one of the older gas pipes underground had a leak. It could have taken the whole building down. Luckily, the drain was located away from the high-rise, and it only caused damage to the road.
I’d been off work for a few days, waiting on the road crew to clean things up. I was flipping through the TV as I heard the doorknob turn and Helen walked in.
“Oh my God, Tommy,” she said, dropping her stuff. She’d been out of town since before the explosion.
“I’m fine,” I told her as she ran over to me. I stood up, and she wrapped her arms around me.
“You could have been killed.”
“But I wasn’t. I’m fine.” I pulled away. “I’m ready to get out of this fucking house, though. Let’s go to Vegas.” I grinned. She was right. I could have died, and I’d been sitting here thinking about it. I hadn’t lived enough, and I knew this was wrong, but I wished Ellie were here instead of Helen.
“Vegas?” she said, looking at me like I was crazy.
“I’ve already got my bags packed. Let’s go.”
She narrowed her eyes at me and smirked. “You sure you’re okay?”
I laughed. “Just go pack.”
*
Our first night in Vegas was our last. I won a shit load of money, and Helen and I drank way too much. I don’t remember buying wedding bands or walking into the chapel. I don’t remember making it back to our hotel room, and I’m pretty sure I’d remember if we had sex or not. I woke up the next morning with the feeling of a building sitting on my head.
Chasing Ellie: A Chasing Fireflies Spin Off Page 23