The Baby Mission

by Vivian Wood

  “Then, going into that next winter … we thought she just had the flu. But it kept on getting worse. She was stubborn though, kept saying it was just the change in weather. When she collapsed in the parking lot of King’s Table, I drove her straight to the hospital. She woke up on the way, howling and protesting the second she knew where we were going.”

  “And?” Cade asked as he leaned forward.

  “Liver cancer. Doctors gave her three months to live, and she stuck to that guess on the dot. Never even drank an ounce in her life.”

  “Then how did she—”

  “Hepatitis C. Doctors said she must have had it since she was damn near a newborn. Lillian was… well, she was a baby at the Majdanek concentration camp in Poland. Doctors think the needle they used to tattoo her arm was dirty. ‘Course it was,” he said with a sniff.

  “I’m… I’m so sorry,” Cade said, though he knew it was inadequate.

  “Not your fault,” Eldon said. “I’m just … you know, I think I was lucky. We were both lucky.”

  “How could … why would you say that?” Cade asked.

  The captain looked at him curiously.

  “Lillian would have been killed had she been in that camp even a day longer,” he said. “They’d already killed her mother, father, her whole family. We got a year together. And Lillian, she got thirty-two years of life.”

  “And you never… dated anyone after, or…”

  “That one year was enough for me,” Eldon said. “Sure, I would have wanted more. Would have given anything for more. But that one year? I’ll always be grateful for what we had.”

  “I don’t know what to say,” Cade said honestly.

  “Oh, hell. I told you my sob story. It’s your turn to say something real.”

  “I wish it were me.”

  “What?”

  “I wish it had been me to die out there. And not because I’m some kind of martyr. That’s the worst part,” Cade said. “I mean, if I’m honest, yeah, I think those guys deserved to live more than me. But I… I didn’t think I had anything to live for.”

  “That’s bullshit, son.”

  “You don’t know me,” Cade said quietly.

  “Cade, the past? It doesn’t matter,” Eldon said. “Let me tell you, if I had a chance to talk to my wife again? Touch her? I’d—”

  “I have to go,” Cade said. He slid the empty glass back across the table. “I’m sorry.”

  “Cade—”

  Cade raised his hand behind him and blinked back the tears.

  “Cade, just answer me this. Because you’re not excused yet.”

  “What?” Cade asked, his back still to the captain.

  “You said you didn’t think you had anything to live for. And now?”

  “What?”

  “You used past tense. Do you think you have something to live for now?”

  An image of Lily flashed in his mind.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “Maybe.”

  “Well. A maybe’s better than nothing.”

  Cade walked out into the hall and could hear the guys working on the truck. He made a beeline for the back door.

  Maybe the captain’s right, he thought. A maybe is worth something. Maybe I should explore that instead of just screwing things up like I always do.

  He’d always been good at making things go away. It was easy to walk away, to run away, run straight into the flames.

  And what good has that done you?

  Maybe the captain and Dr. Hersh were right. Maybe he wasn’t responsible for what had happened in Montana. Would it have happened the same way, if it had been someone else there and not him?

  Probably. Barron would probably have still gone off protocol.

  There was a fifty-fifty chance that when he was boxed in he would have made the wrong choice.

  Pure luck. And nobody could have gotten through those flames. Messed-up leg or not, nobody could have.

  And if they had? They would have just burned up with them. He knew that, he’d always known that, in the darkest part of his heart.

  You got some kind of martyr issues? He smiled at the captain’s question. Maybe I did. But not anymore.

  14

  Lily

  Lily pulled up to the new, white Fiat Spider parked in Renee’s parents’ driveway. She tried not to think about how raggedy her own “vintage” ride looked in comparison, but couldn’t help it. As Lily peeked into the Fiat and admired the camel-colored interior, she heard the front door open.

  “Nice, right?” Renee asked with a smile.

  Her dark blonde hair was finger-raked into a messy top knot that looked effortlessly chic. With just a swipe of red lipstick, perfectly shaped brows, and mascara, everything about her best friend looked flawless—and like she hadn’t even tried.

  “Yeah, it’s great,” Lily said. She plastered on a smile and tried to swallow her envy whole.

  “Come on in. My parents are in Bend for the weekend, so we have the house to ourselves.”

  “How is it? Living back with them?” Lily asked as she loped up the familiar front steps.

  “Ugh, it’s alright. I mean, I can’t complain. Free rent and all. But I can’t wait to get back to Italy. I swear, if I could, I’d just have my own little place here for homecomings. Like you! I’m super jealous that you have your own cute little space.”

  Renee handed her a glass of wine and settled onto the plush couch in the sitting room.

  Lily sat carefully, acutely aware of how much damage could be done with a glass of red wine on a white suede couch.

  “My place is okay,” she said with a shrug. “It’s close to work and I can afford it.”

  Renee nodded and pulled her bare knees up to her chest. In her green and yellow U of O raglan baseball shirt and denim cutoffs, she still looked like the quintessential college student.

  “Trust me, you’re lucky. My mom’s always on my case. ‘When are you going to get a job? When are you going to stop running all over Europe?’ It’s like, relax! I’m looking for a job. It’s not like Salem is exactly overflowing with fashion design gigs.”

  “Salem?” Lily asked. “I thought you were going back to Italy.”

  Renee’s face clouded over.

  “I was,” she said. “Until my parents decided they weren’t going to pay for it anymore. Like, Italy is freaking expensive, you know? I don’t know how they thought I was going to pay for rent there on my own.”

  “So … fashion design, huh?” Lily asked.

  She was surprised Renee was still caught up in that idea. When they’d been teenagers, it had been fun to fantasize. Back then, Lily thought she was going to be some famous, world-class chemist—until she realized how tough it was to make a living with it and not teach.

  The idea of standing in front of a room, all those eyes on her as she had the duty to impart knowledge? Just thinking about it made her clam up.

  “You know that’s what I’ve always wanted to do,” Renee said pointedly.

  “Yeah, I know, but … well, how are you going to make that happen here?”

  “My point exactly,” Renee said. She sighed. “I don’t know. I have a few leads, a couple of wedding dress designers in town who work out of their home shops. I mean, it doesn’t pay much—actually, one of them doesn’t pay at all. But they do custom, couture, good work. They depend mostly on weddings for the big checks. And if I’m just their assistant or apprentice or whatever? I’m basically getting less than minimum wage.”

  “Sucks,” Lily said. She wanted to ask Renee why she didn’t try New York, Los Angeles, or even Portland, but she knew better than to try and help problem solve when Renee wallowed in her own misery.

  “I don’t know,” Renee said with a sigh. “Maybe I should just go for a senior level fashion merchandising position.”

  “That sounds … impressive,” Lily said.

  “Trust me, it sounds a lot more impressive than it is. They have those jobs at pretty much any decent retailer. Ev
en J. Crew has them.”

  “Oh, well that sounds good. I mean, at least there are some positions available.”

  “God, Lily,” Renee said as she groaned. “I don’t want to have come back from Italy and have to tell people I work at like, Cole Haan or something.”

  “You worked at Victoria’s Secret in college,” Lily reminded her.

  “Yeah, but that was college! That was totally fine. But now? It’s like I’m going backward.”

  Renee stared into her glass and ran one long finger along the rim. For a moment, she looked the same way she had in middle school when she found out she hadn’t made it to the state finals for the Junior Miss pageant.

  “Hey,” Lily said. She reached over and touched Renee’s forearm. The Italian bronze had started to fade. “It’ll be okay.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. You have your dream job. You have your own place. And what do I have?”

  “You have some pretty kickass Instagram stories,” Lily said with a smile.

  Renee grinned. “I guess I do.”

  “And you’re crazy if you think I have my dream job. I mean, yeah, I work in a bakery. And my boss is pretty cool. But do you really think I went to culinary school to work the front counter at a bakery in Salem? Honestly, anyone could do that.”

  “You’re just trying to make me feel better,” Renee said with a sheepish smile.

  “I’m not! Seriously, there were zero requirements when I saw Jean-Michel’s ad. Yeah, he wanted someone he could teach, for sure. And it helped that I had experience.”

  “Ugh, false modesty is so not attractive,” Renee said as she finished her wine.

  “Fine, you want to know something?” Lily asked.

  “Always.” Renee leaned toward her.

  “The girl that I replaced at the bakery? She left because she started school. Her freshman year at Linfield, to be exact.”

  “Oh my God, no. You took the place of a high schooler?”

  “Not my proudest moment,” Lily said with a shake of her head. “But if it makes any difference, for the first two months Jean-Michel raved about how fantastic I was. Except for one thing.”

  “And what was that?”

  “Apparently I didn’t have the same level of customer service as the kid.”

  “Well. I could have told him that,” Renee said.

  “Don’t be a bitch!” Lily said with a laugh.

  “I’m not, I just know you! I mean, I don’t think working with people has ever particularly been your strong suit.”

  “Well, fortunately even though Jean-Michel said that, he’s still happy with me. He’s still super French even though he’s been in this country for fifteen years. He thinks Americans are too fake happy. So apparently my snobbishness, as he calls it, is an asset in his shop.”

  “Yeah, I can see that. You’d do well in Paris,” Renee said. “Maybe that’s where you should be. Italy, though, you have to be really aggressive as a woman.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Like, when you first get there? As an American, I mean? It’s a serious ego boost. The guys are all over you. It takes you awhile to realize it’s not you. They’re just like that with any woman who’s even remotely attractive.”

  Lily nodded. Honestly, it did sound nice. She’d never have to wonder if someone was into her.

  “So, no game playing?” she asked. “It’s just all out in the open?”

  “Oh, believe me, there are games,” Renee said with a laugh. “It’s just that the rules are totally different than over here.”

  “Ugh, is it different anywhere?”

  “Probably not,” Renee said. “But you know what helps? Ice cream.”

  “From BJ’s?”

  “Obviously. Hold up, I’ll go get it.”

  Lily listened to the slap of her friend’s feet on the hardwood.

  Funny, how some things feel the same forever.

  Sitting here in the room where she’d spent so many afternoons as a teenager, the sounds of spoons clanging in the kitchen, for a moment everything felt simpler.

  “Ta-da!” Renee said in the doorway. She held up two spoons and a quart of ice cream. “Jamaican fudge.”

  “The one with all the rum? Thank God, I could use it.”

  Renee jumped on the couch, grabbed the purple furry blanket off the back, and used it to cradle the ice cream between them.

  “Alright, I’ve watered you. I’m feeding you. Now spill,” Renee said.

  “Spill what?”

  Renee elbowed her hard in the ribs.

  “You know. Cade. What happened at Redd’s? After that shitshow on the dance floor when he knocked down that creep, you disappeared! I mean, what the hell, was he raised in a barn?”

  Lily shook her head vehemently. “No, it—he had a rough childhood.”

  “We all did,” Renee replied.

  Lily gave her a look. “We’re sitting in your parents’ half a million dollar house. I think your childhood was fine.”

  “Point taken.”

  “But Cade, he was … he was a foster care kid.”

  “No shit.”

  “Yeah, he hung around Elijah a lot, and I think … you know, I think my dad was the closest thing he ever had to a father.”

  “That sucks,” Renee said. “But, I mean, for you—I just hope you’re not trying to save him or something. You know that never works out.”

  “I’m not,” Lily said. “It was never like that.”

  “So, do you think that’s partly why he’s such a ladies’ man?” Renee poked around in the ice cream for the biggest ribbon of fudge.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know. Like, trying to make up for the love he never had by spreading it around everywhere he can.”

  Lily wrinkled her nose. “I never thought about it. But if men sleeping around is caused by them not being loved as children, it seems like there’s a hell of a lot of unloved little boys out there.”

  “True,” Renee said. “But still, I don’t think you can be a foster kid and not be fucked up on some level. That’s got to mess with you, right? I mean, how many foster houses was he in?”

  “God, I don’t even know,” Lily said. “I mean, I was younger and it’s not like he or Elijah ever talked about that kind of stuff to me or in front of me. But I think it was a lot. I remember he seemed to always be living somewhere new when we were growing up.”

  “You’re in a tough spot, Lil,” Renee said. “I just … you know, I hope you’re taking care of yourself. Protecting yourself.”

  “I knew he was … a player, or whatever,” Lily said. “But I thought he and I had a real connection. You know? The potential for something real.”

  “Yeah, but everyone thinks that. We let our heart get in the way and then we get stupid,” Renee said. “Trust me.”

  “What makes you such an expert all of a sudden?”

  Renee sighed. “I’m not just not going back to Italy because of the money. That’s part of it, but I could always make it work. It’s—well, Marco dumped me.”

  “What? Renee, I’m so sorry. How—”

  “Over texts, even.”

  “What?”

  “He said he’s too young to be tied down, and he loved the time we had together, but now it’s time for us to both move on to whatever comes next. Fucking coward. I know he had this planned, but he was too much of a freaking baby to say it to my face when I was there. You know he took me to the airport? Gave me this long, drawn-out kiss and made a big show of it.”

  “Men can be such jerks,” Lily said.

  “Yeah, but not all of them. I’m still hopeful about that. That’s why you should talk to Cade before you call it quits. I mean, it seems like you’re really into this guy.”

  Lily nodded slowly. “You’re right. I am really into him. And this has gone on long enough. I mean, talking to him, what’s the worst that could happen?”

  15

  Cade

  “Thirty feet, thirty feet!�
� Cade yelled to the crew. The two newer recruits sweated profusely, eager to show off their strength and dedication. “Rodriguez, does that look thirty feet from the shed?”

  The young man stood up and wiped his brow as he tried to calculate the firebreak from the shed.

  “I guess?” he called.

  “Twenty, at best,” Cade said. “Alright, let’s break. Grab some water and meet me back here.”

  He was grateful to the captain for letting him lead and instruct firebreak training, but he was rusty. It had been a long time since he’d tried to herd together a crew that he didn’t know.

  It didn’t help that this particular crew didn’t know who the hell he was.

  Hell, some of them probably think I’m that guy who’s on payroll and doesn’t do jack shit but talk to some shrink about my “feelings.”

  As the men gathered around him, Nalgene bottles in hand, he gestured for them to stoop down.

  “Next drill, this is going to be a slope over twenty percent,” he said. “So what does that mean?”

  They looked at each other, unsure.

  “Means the defensible closed-in space is extended to one hundred feet,” Elijah said as he sauntered up to the group.

  “What he said,” Rodriguez piped up.

  Cade sighed. “Yeah. Thanks for that, Elijah.”

  “Unless, you know, we’re talking about California chaparral,” Elijah added as he showed off. “And the slope is still over twenty percent. Then it’s two hundred feet.”

  “Yeah, yeah, we got it,” Cade said. “Are you in this training session?”

  “Nope, don’t need to be.”

  “Alright guys, that’s it for today. Thanks, good work.”

  They dispersed quietly and Elijah clapped Cade on the back.

  “Captain got you working hard, huh?” he asked.

  “I asked for it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I asked him if I could be involved. Somehow, anyhow, and this is what I got.”

  “Damn, dude. That’s rough. Most of us can’t wait to get out of training the fire virgins.”

  “Yeah, well, I didn’t know this is what he’d give me. When Crane told me, it was all I could do to not roll my eyes. But now that I’m here… I don’t know, man. I’m actually enjoying it.”