Christmas at The New Yorker

by New Yorker

Parker Merrow and Walter the Winch,

  Ernest Lindley, Gertrude Macy,

  Leggett Brown and Spencer Tracy.

  Give out some Christmas propaganda

  For Veloz and his pal Yolanda,

  For Johnny Cheever and Wickham Steed,

  McKinlay Kantor, Senator Mead,

  The John Roys, Don Beddoe,

  The McIntoshes, Blanche and Neddo,

  Dorothy Stickney, Miriam Doyle,

  Rebecca West, Selena Royle,

  John Hadfield of J. M. Dent,

  Paul Robeson and Silas Bent.

  God rest the G. O. Pachyderm,

  But give us Frank for another term!

  Thus having disposed of politics,

  I clasp to my arms the Sheldon Dicks.

  Assuming a more surly vein,

  Let’s wish a whacking Yule chilblain

  To Father Coughlin, the clerical wowser,

  And every other rabble-rouser.

  And then, in doggerel-cum-verse,

  Let’s launch a hearty Christmas curse

  On the Nazi-minded everywhere,

  Whether here or over there;

  In our midst or oversea,

  All Kuhns look alike to me.

  So raise your mugs and drink distress

  To Rosenberg and Rudolf Hess;

  Dismay to Comrade Molotoff—

  For Czar: Prince Michael Romanoff!

  Here’s hoping something dire may happen

  To Goebbels, Himmler, and von Papen,

  To Goring and von Dribblepuss,

  And their whilom sidekick, Benny the Muss!

  Wise Men who are really wise

  Will keep one eye upon the skies,

  For the Holy Night is rent by bomb

  As Ouija reads the Führer’s palm.

  Lebensraum he wants? So! Well,

  Let’s hope he gets it soon, in hell.

  And his Kremlin crony, Joe the Tricky—

  Give him a Finn, but make it a Mickey!

  Of all these knaves we crave surcease;

  What this world needs is a good Blitzpeace.

  1939

  GREETINGS, FRIENDS!

  FRANK SULLIVAN

  The début of this Christmas stanza,

  This annual Yule extravaganza,

  Took place in 1932,

  So silver greetings, friends, to you,

  And frankincense and myrrh and nard

  From your aging but still frisky bard.

  For Ike, three rousing Christmas cheers

  And vigor through the coming years.

  A New Year bow to Borden Deal,

  Edith McCarty, and Howard Keel.

  We’ll roar out a couple of gladsome staves

  To whoop it up for the doughty Braves,

  And hymn the glory of Fortune’s Pet—

  Who else but Selva Lewis Burdette?

  Charge your glasses and drink to the health

  Of Good Queen Bess and her Commonwealth!

  Nab the nearest Christmas mummer;

  Get him to mum for Christopher Plummer,

  And do his stuff for Dick Surrette,

  Romney Brent, Carol Burnett,

  Ruth Anderson, Niels Bohr,

  Ted Atkinson, and Senator Gore.

  Minnesingers, sound your A!

  Launch a paean for Dorothy Day,

  For Ed Wynn, Carmel Quinn,

  Ellin Berlin, and all their kin;

  And add a toast to all the kith

  Of Master Joseph Michael Smith.

  Noël, Noël to Coco Chanel,

  Hunt Bradley, Maria Schell,

  And a bend of the knee from this genuflector

  To Captain and Mrs. William Waechter.

  Peace to thee, O Matt McDade!

  Joy to Banker Katie McQuade!

  Minstrels, raise a stout hosanna

  For Herbert Erb and Charlie Manna;

  Sing noisily, yet civilly,

  For Saul Bellow of Tivoli;

  And belt out a carol for Buff Donelli,

  For George Hemstead and his consort, Ellie,

  For Polly Hanson, Frank Lary,

  And the Atlantic, on its centenary.

  Buon Natale, Carmen Basilio!

  Long may you champ it, mio figlio!

  Nancy Walker! Jane Morgan!

  Love from me and Paul Horgan!

  Peace to tycoon Cyrus Eaton,

  Cantinflas, and Cecil Beaton!

  Wassail to Borough President Cashmore,

  Arkansas Editor Harry Ashmore,

  And a genial, cozy, cricket-on-the-hearthy

  Kind of Yule for Kevin McCarthy.

  Tootle an anthem for Conrad Janis,

  Edmund Gilligan, and Marya Mannes;

  Trill a Christmas obbligato

  To serenade Jockey Frank Lovato;

  And sound the rebeck and the hautboy

  For that old reliable rider No Boy.

  Sing tooraloo for Shirley MacLaine;

  Sing hi-de-ho for John Ruane,

  Terry Brennan, Eddie De Hass,

  Lester Pearson, and Peggy Cass.

  Vintner, spike the Christmas brew

  For Stork Sanford and the Cornell crew;

  Pass the port to Ezra Benson,

  Harold Craig, and May Swenson.

  We’ll dance the lancers with Jo Van Fleet,

  Gargle a brandy with Cabell Greet,

  And with seasonal zeal we’ll ululate

  For Pauline Sadlon, Sam Slate,

  Percy Waram, Jane Greer,

  And Altrincham, the Prickly Peer.

  We’ll sing in praise of Nigel Dennis;

  We’ll ascertain where Leo Penn is,

  And crack a bottle of rare champagne

  For Leo, and for Eddie Lane.

  Thomas Chalmers, of Firenze—

  Love from me and Gisele MacKenzie!

  Gerald, Constance, and Archie Moore—

  Love to you from Charlie Poore!

  Bake a Christmas cake for Quincy Porter;

  Send a Christmas tie to Enos Slaughter;

  Send opulent gifts to Anthony Quayle

  And a Broun by the name of Heywood Hale.

  Choir, please warble a New Year glee

  For André Laguerre and Nathalie,

  And lift your voices in sweet accord

  To gladden the spirits of Benson Ford.

  A Merry Christmas to Dorothy Quick,

  To Connie B. Gay, of Lizard Lick,

  And the dolciest kind of far niente

  To Bambi Linn and Tony Parenti.

  Now let us sit with Rudolf Bing

  And tell glad stories of Nicholas King,

  And raise a glass of vintage hock

  To the Herald Trib and Ambassador Jock.

  We’ll paint the town with Frank Lloyd Wright

  From New Year’s Eve until Twelfth Night;

  We’ll go on a high old Yule carouse

  With Kathy Crosby and her spouse,

  With Sterling North and Anthony West

  And Gerald Green and Denzil Best.

  The year is going. Let it go.

  It hasn’t brought us much but woe—

  Khrushchev, Faubus, flu, and frights,

  Inflation, Nasser, satellites,

  And other plagues from Pandora’s box.

  But are we therefore on the rocks?

  Not so, my hearties! With cautious tread

  We’ll enter the year that lies ahead,

  Not elated, not downcast,

  Glad to be rid of the year that’s past,

  Hoping the coming year of grace

  Will bring Peace on Earth and Peace in Space.

  1957

  GREETINGS, FRIENDS!

  ROGER ANGELL

  Rap, rap! To order! May we dispense

  With last year’s minutes, whose trifling sense

  Proposed immediate end to woe

  And a party neath the mistletoe—

  A plan I trust will bear repeating

&
nbsp; At this, our latest Yuletide meeting?

  Faithful readers, God rest you well

  And give you each a sweet Noël.

  Who knows? Perhaps the muse will send a

  Hug to you in our agenda;

  Would there were rhymes enough for all

  Within this dogged caterwaul!

  Karol Wojtyla! Well, that’s a rhyme

  We won’t hunt up this Christmastime,

  Now that there is hardly call to—

  Happy Christmas, Pope John Paul II!

  And happy hols, dear Claudia Weill,

  Cornell MacNeil, and Kitty Carlisle.

  Season’s greetings, Allegra Kent!

  Hail to Jimmy, our President!

  Wassail to Rosalynn, the President’s spouse,

  And Fred Astaire and Timothy Crouse!

  Ring out, carillons, for the sake

  Of Carmine Peppe and Eubie Blake,

  Then chime in a more dulcet strain

  For lovely Queen Noor al-Hussein;

  Now let some joyous bongs be heard

  For Justice Rose Elizabeth Bird,

  And next a brassy triple bob

  For Alydar and Rusty Staub,

  And then tack on a cheerful coda

  For Cyrus Vance and Ron Swoboda!

  I wish a Yule right out of Boz

  For Henny Youngman and Amos Oz;

  Let Fezziwigian bliss befall

  Tito Gaona and Tom T. Hall.

  May Christmas Eve be brisk and snowy

  For Heinrich Böll and David Bowie,

  And the morn break all crisp and tingly

  For Swoosie Kurtz and Darryl Stingley;

  And may the Day itself go gladly

  For Sen.-elect and Ms. Bill Bradley!

  Hello, Santa? Hold that sleigh!

  I have some toys for Nora Kaye,

  Valerie Harper, Jerry Rafshoon,

  And our man in Moscow, Malcolm Toon.

  Hello, Bekins? Will you cart in

  Crates of presents for Ned Martin,

  Zubin Mehta, Sissela Bok,

  Samuel Beckett, and Pete LaCock?

  I’m here to state that naught can alter

  My deep esteem for Stephanie Salter;

  I want it known that what I harbor

  Are friendly thoughts for Myron Farber,

  Ellsworth Kelly, Nick Nolte,

  George Balanchine, and Sir Georg Solti.

  Adeste, shoppers! Let costs go hang!

  Let’s do up Christmas with a bang!

  To arms against Old Man Inflation!

  We’ll spend with more imagination

  And seek out true epiphanies

  At Bloomingdale’s and Tiffany’s

  With lavish gifts for Crystal Gayle,

  Günter Grass, and Clamma Dale.

  Come, seed a storm of Christmas bills

  With things to cheer up Garry Wills,

  Walter Matthau, Kathleen Raine,

  Viktor Korchnoi, and Frank MacShane!

  With friends like these, there’s no tomorrow,

  Twixt shop and bank we’ll spend and borrow,

  Get stocking toys by Fabergé

  For Cheryl Tiegs and Jack Macrae,

  Find diamonds like the Koh-i-noor

  For Gemma Jones and Melba Moore,

  And a nice blue Maserati

  For Yale’s A. Bartlett Giamatti.

  Then quickly we’ll snap up a set

  Of Lalique bowls at Parke Bernet

  For Andrew Young, Paloma Picasso,

  Hildegard Behrens, and Ella Grasso,

  And a golden trinket by Cellini

  To please Maurizio Pollini;

  Then cases of some modest wine

  (Like Château Margaux ’29)

  For John Belushi, Seymour Krim,

  Laz Barrera, Barbara Pym,

  Governor Carey, Claiborne Pell,

  Nancy Teeters, and Tom Carvel!

  On New Year’s Eve, we’ll share a schnapps

  With the Martin Mulls and the Joseph Papps,

  Then sip a delicious crème de moka

  With Meat Loaf and Lee Iacocca;

  We’ll crack a bottle of muscatel

  With Wolfman Jack and Quentin Bell,

  And clink a glass of vin du pays

  With D. D. Lewis and I. M. Pei;

  We’ll quaff some cups of antifreeze

  With Janet Guthrie and Parton Keese,

  And toss off a brandy smash

  With Louise Bourgeois and Johnny Cash.

  Nancy Kassebaum, Bernadine Morris,

  Will ye nae sup a wee doch-an-dorris?

  Well supped, ladies! Now gie us a glee

  For Anwar Sadat and Muhammad Ali!

  A toast to Tsenator Paul E. Tsongas!

  A toast to the whole damn U.S. Congras!

  To Truth and Beauty! To Helen Reddy!3

  To the next Prime Rate and Crazy Eddie!

  Good friends, we’ve come to our envoi,

  Which bids you each a year of joy,

  And invokes, to close these greetings,

  The spirit of Camp David’s meetings—

  Peace to us all, that is to say,

  Upon this ancient holiday!

  1978

  GREETINGS, FRIENDS!

  ROGER ANGELL

  Good reader, ho, it’s me once more,

  Your careworn super at the door,

  With mop in hand and heated face:

  The work I do around this place—

  Sweep out the bygone Christmastimes,

  Unkink the twisted lights and rhymes,

  Dig out the trusty metaphors,

  Re-Fezziwig the chimes and floors,

  And make this joint look nearly new

  For partyings (though déjà vu)

  With friends and neighbors we wish well

  On the occasion of Noël.

  No tip! My pleasure! Let’s begin

  With hugs for Ursula K. Le Guin.

  Fellow-creatures, near or far,

  We hail you each, and Caleb Carr.

  How neat it is to be the bearer

  Of greetings for our friend Jim Lehrer;

  Happy days, Hideo Nomo,

  Sheryl Crow, and Andrew Cuomo.

  Ah, there, Dr. Rudy Crew,

  David Hare, Elisabeth Shue—

  Peace, you chaps, and also pax on

  Miranda Weese, Samuel L. Jackson,

  Ivan Klíma, and (though sadly)

  Departing Senators Nunn and Bradley.

  Warm wishes from this august bureau

  To Kazuo Ishiguro;

  The same to you, Tegla Loroupe,

  Joanna Trollope, and Quincy Troupe.

  Let blessings rain, all touchy-feely,

  To cheer up Hurricane McNeeley,

  And laurel leaves in heaps or layers

  Around Cal Ripken, prince of stayers;

  And with him Tim Biakabutuka,

  Young Marzoratis (Guy and Luca),

  Jon Bon Jovi, Susan Lucci,

  Jenny Jones, and Leo Nucci.

  Descend, bright angels, in a band,

  Upon Viswanathan Anand,

  With Christmas music just for him

  And Jane Smiley and Mary Grimm.

  Tweet the flute and sound the oboe

  For Dr. Ruth, Rebecca Lobo,

  Joseph Volpe, Jose Mesa,

  Joan Chen, and Mother Teresa,

  All whilst some higher heralds—hark!—

  Let drop their chords on Marcia Clark.

  And carols (or enhanced CDs)

  For Jeanne Calment and Morris Dees,

  Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, the brave Nobelist,

  And Yo Yo Ma, cherubic cellist.

  Come Christmas, gang, it’s understood,

  We rollerblade the neighborhood—

  Arm-in-arming, happy campers

  Bearing toys or laden hampers.

  Here a wreath and there a parcel,

  Now a fractured metatarsal!

  Back
ward! Sidewise! What can match it?

  Each of us a flying Cratchit

  Spreading gifts and some dismay

  Among our friends this special day.

  Bill Gates (Wie geht’s?), strap on your skates

  And we’ll go sweep up Kathy Bates,

  Julie Just, Andie MacDowell,

  David Bouley, and Alma Powell.

  Without ado, without a care,

  We’ll grab the hand of Deirdre Bair

  And chain along in cheerful flow

  To drop a toy on Coolio,

  A negligee for (yay) Fay Wray,

  Some tricks from Schwarz for Ricky Jay,

  Plus geese to grace the groaning board

  Of Geoffrey Beene or Geoffrey Ward,

  Unless, by luscious scents beguiled,

  We press a call on Julia Child—

  Though pausing first to just say hi

  To B. B. King, R. B. Kitaj,

  Isaac Mizrahi, Sharon Stone,

  Fiona Shaw, and John Malone.

  Home from these amusing labors,

  We’ll bask in asked-in Labs and neighbors

  And, circled round by lights and kith,

  Toss down a warming noggin with

  Lauren Holly, Beverly Cleary,

  Christopher Reeve, and Timothy Leary.

  Then party on in larger units

  Around the tree with Stanley Kunitz,

  Mo Vaughn and Mira Sorvino,

  Daniel Okrent, Dan Marino,

  Jimmy Smits, Lois Smith Brady,

  Ridley Scott, and Scott O’Grady.

  To fling the old year’s glooms away,

  We’ll bring in Penny Hardaway,

  King Hussein, and Suzanne Farrell,

  Cigar, Pixar, and Crate & Barrel,

  Each Met and Jet, Rockette, et cet.,

  And da Guarneri String Quartet!

  The clock’s run down, our verse is done:

  A happy New Year, everyone!

  Rhymees, readers (gentle alisome!)—

  Pals, we pine for you and balsam

  At Christmastide and through the fleeting

  Hours until our next year’s meeting.

  Till then, old friends, what we beseech

  Is peace and blessings, all and each.

  1995

  THE MODERN LIBRARY EDITORIAL BORAD

  Maya Angelou

  •

  A. S. Byatt

  •

  Caleb Carr

  •

  Christopher Cerf

  •

  Charles Frazier

  •

  Vartan Gregorian

  •

  Richard Howard

  •

  Charles Johnson

  •

  Jon Krakauer

  •

  Edmund Morris

  •

  Azar Nafisi

  •

  Joyce Carol Oates

  •

  Elaine Pagels