by Kenna Bardot
“Kaia.” She took my hand, long fingers stroking mine. Her nails were unpainted, untrimmed. I stroked them in return and wished I could have my Lottie back. The Lottie who always kept her nails trimmed. The Lottie who bubbled joy and life even in complete silence.
“Lottie.” I felt a million words and emotions between us but none more were spoken, and so we sat in silence, enjoying the time we spent that wasn’t filled with doing.
Just being. I liked just being with her.
“We have to guide someone to Rebirth,” her voice broke as I imagined her heart broke at having to say it, think about it.
“We do.” I smiled sadly, wishing I could skip pockets of time.
“It’s my baby sister,” she said it so softly I almost imagined she had not spoken. But when I turned to her, the look on her face was so pained, so broken, I knew I’d heard her correctly. My eyes filled because, of all people, Lottie did not deserve the pain of that kind of sacrifice.
Did I do that? Did I, by being her friend, do that to her? Turn some of the anger the Headmaster felt for me towards her? It did not bear thinking about.
“Your father, right?” I choked back a sob - it would not do to break when she needed me - and nodded at the question. “I figured. You understand better than most would.”
“Yes,” I answered, but I knew a baby sister was far worse than a father especially for someone who was so determined never to hurt anyone. I could probably convince myself of Vali’s words, Cel’s insights, because my father loved me, always strove to protect me. So I knew he’d be supportive of what I would have to do, even if I still struggled with it myself. And I understood that bringing about his rebirth meant I could make it as easy and painless as possible.
But a baby sister? Lottie should have been her protector, a role she was suited for, a role she burned with an intense passion for. Instead, she had to turn away from that be something else entirely. Her hands fidgeted with the fan she kept on her at all times, snapping it open and shut. The raven, black and beautiful, fluttered on it as she did.
“Why the raven, Lot?” I asked, totally going off-topic. She started and opened the fan, resting it on her lap to stare at it. Her fingers ran over the print and a single tear fell right in the middle.
“Death,” she murmured softly.
“Intelligence,” I countered. “Mystery and loyalty.”
She smiled at me as she snapped it shut. “And death. That’s my reality now isn’t it?”
“I’m so sorry, Lot,” I whispered, and I was. I wished she didn’t have to hurt so much.
“Me too, sweetie. Me too.” I rested my head on her shoulder as we stared up at the impressive structure of InkHaven - it showed beautifully under the moonlight. “I’m so proud of you, Kaia Wren.”
A hand squeezed around my heart. “Why?”
“A year ago how broken you’d have been, how you’d have hidden away from the rest of the world. But look at you now. So strong, strong enough to survive this. Strong enough to survive anything they throw at you.” She turned to me with a fierce smile despite the tears in her eyes. “Don’t let anyone change you, dictate their expectations on you because you’re beautiful just as you are. You’ve found a strength, and it just emanates from you.”
“I won’t,” I agreed, confusion flitting through my mind momentarily. “I don’t think I need to tell you how amazing you are, Lot. You know exactly who you are, that’s what I’ve always known and seen in you and damn anyone who doesn’t like it. Sure, this might be a challenge, but I wouldn’t change you for the world.”
Her fingers trailed through the water in the fountain behind us as she stared at it in thought. “Kaia Wren, if you still want Vali, then be proactive. Make him work for it, let him show you how much he’s willing to risk and share for you but, if at the end of it all what you want is him? Then have him. Take what you want in this life. You gave everything up in the last one. This one’s yours.”
I felt the sting of tears. “Yes. He helped me understand myself, and I know that even with four guys I love I would not have reached the point I reached quite so quickly nor so smoothly without Vali to talk to or shout at about my dad. He knows what I was, perhaps because he’s loved me the longest. And as much as I want to be happy with the guys, there’s always going to be that piece of me that belongs to him. He loved me at my worst, Lot. I can’t help but want to give him me at my best too.”
“I’m glad it’s getting better. It will work out if you have faith. Those guys would do anything for you, and I can’t tell you how much I love knowing you have that. You’ll graduate InkHaven, be amazing in whatever path you choose, and live out the rest of your life in eternal bliss.” Her bottom lip trembled.
“What are you saying, Lot?” I grabbed her hand. A part of me shivered, wanting to keep her with me so I could savor the moment of having my best friend with me after enduring her absence for the last few days.
“I’m saying that I’m happy you’re on your way to a beautiful life. Sure, you haven’t been here long, but you deserve it. You worked hard, and, yes, you complained and whined about things but you never gave up. Who else could say they would have done quite as well?”
“You’ll find that for yourself too. Charlotte Montgomery, protector extraordinaire. And once you open yourself fully? Otto is crazy about you so you’ll always have him,” I teased.
“He is,” she said simply, standing from the fountain. She held out a hand which I gripped, and we made our way back to our room in silence. We had a horrible day ahead of us, and though I didn’t think either of us could or would sleep, we took comfort in the fact that we weren’t alone.
✽✽✽
Lottie didn’t have coffee that morning, but she was awake even with barely any sleep. The thought of what the day would bring was enough to keep her awake. It kept me awake too.
She sat next to me, holding my hand as we watched Docent Ho explain what the Loyalty Trial was about again or, at least, what it was for the Airs.
The Fourth Year Inks had gone before us, and we’d been made to endure watching them prove their loyalty. The minutes passed in excruciating slowness with every person we’d watched.
Docent Ho continued, and I could not deny that she was a comforting presence. Smooth, calm but also strong, vital and confident. She embodied everything I wanted to be as an Air Mage. As Docent Woods explained in our class, she repeated how nothing we were doing was designed to cause any pain for pain’s sake.
I understood that.
It didn’t stop my heart from breaking. For me, for Lottie, for anyone else who had a heart to break.
In the audience, Ink and Air students from the graduating class were in attendance. Mar turned towards us when we’d entered, face twisted in worry as she stared at Lottie. I’d smiled at her, but I knew it wasn’t very reassuring.
I’d also seen Cel - those eyes watching me, carefully watching. Somehow, the knowledge that I had even that tiny connection to Vali gave me comfort. Whatever I ended up doing I’d do it for him as well.
So there they sat with their peers to watch a group of students undergo a test they themselves had already suffered through. There was no joy in it, no pleasure.
But whatever we all had to do, we did - our duty, for Zeevar. As we always did. As we would always do.
When Docent Ho stood back for the Headmaster’s turn, he walked forward almost with a bounce in his step. In his right hand, he held a piece of parchment. He called the first name without preamble, the first fourth year Air student - Pia Ramos.
For once, she wasn’t a hateful bitch. As her hands shook upon being handed the scroll, she was just one of us.
But she eventually finished, and the Headmaster called another name. We watched as one by one, our classmates agreed to make their sacrifices in the Loyalty Trial induction. There weren’t a lot of fourth years but Lottie’s hand trembled harder and harder as he made his way through the random list - not knowing who would be called next.
>
“Kaia Wren Shaw,” the Headmaster called out with a sneer. Since he’d been mostly disinterested thus far, I felt special to get such a reaction.
Really, a girl could only be so lucky right?
Anger, I felt the anger race through me as I stood, making my way to the front of the room. I stopped before the podium, swallowing at the sight of the tiny vial that was there. Uncorked and full of a pale grey liquid that seemed to shimmer in the dim light, it also represented our choice. That was what they said. One we could make if we so chose.
The Ink Mage who stood on the podium behind the Headmaster handed me a scroll. My fingers shook as I unrolled it, tears stinging my eyes. Those tears threatened to fall when I confirmed it was my father’s name written in gold, the date written there to torment me.
“Miss Shaw, do you swear to guide the bearer of the name on the scroll to rebirth for the exaltation of Zeevar and in honor of the Order?”
I clenched my jaw, pausing for a heart-stopping moment. I remembered my men - I would do it for them. Only for them would I be able to survive. Them and Lottie. I nodded. “I swear it.”
The Ink Mage took my hand, pricking my finger with his stylus to insert the smallest droplet of gold ink. I felt a warmth shudder inside me, intermingling with my own light there.
“On the day of Rebirth you will be furnished with another scroll. The assignment scroll, the name taken from the Book of Balance.”
The Headmaster interjected with a smile, “Should you fail to complete your Trial, you will be disposed of.”
“I understand,” I said through gritted teeth. Making my way back to Lottie I sat next to her, and she took my hand in hers again. My head hit her shoulder, and I cried silently. Our classmate Edward Dunn was called after me and Lottie was trembling so much by then I worried she wouldn’t be able to walk.
We’d both counted. Nine people had already been called so we knew she would be next because she was the last.
“Charlotte Montgomery,” the Headmaster’s disinterested voice drawled. Lottie gave my hand one last squeeze, walking up to read the scroll. I hoped she’d been wrong. That it wasn’t her sister. Because if it was? It would crush her having to do it.
Her legs trembled, but she held her head high despite it and took her place before the podium. The Ink Mage handed her the scroll, and she accepted it with a deep sigh. She opened it quickly, and I watched her face shift through grief and then to a bizarre peace and acceptance.
“Miss Montgomery, do you swear to guide the bearer of the name on the scroll to rebirth for the exaltation of Zeevar and in honor of the Order?”
Silence. She didn’t answer him, didn’t even spare him a glance as those eyes turned back to me. She gave me a smile, her lips forming words I had no chance of hearing but could see. Very clearly.
I love you.
She turned to the Headmaster and whipped her fan open with a snap of the wrist. A red light swirled around her, like a shield, before she snatched the vial off the podium - making that choice - and downed the contents quickly.
Silence.
Nobody spoke. Nobody moved.
And then she fell.
Someone screamed, kept on screaming. I wished they would stop, because I needed to get to Lottie. I fought against the crowd of students suddenly standing, crowding around the stage, to get a better view. Arms wrapped around my middle, crushing my weight against a hard chest.
“Hush, Little One,” the voice soothed. “Hush.”
The voice became muffled and I realized it was me - I was the one screaming. Screaming as I stared at Lottie’s lifeless body crumpled on the floor.
“Noooo!” I wailed, struggling against the arms holding me steady, holding me captive. People around me shifted in chaos, hurrying from the room in panic, but I saw nothing until Gale’s face appeared before me. I stared deep into his eyes even as someone approached Lottie’s body and closed her eyes. The same hand picked her fan up easily - it was no longer tied to her, no longer hers anymore. Because she no longer was anymore.
Otto.
“Kaia, look at me,” Gale begged, and I felt the wetness on my cheeks for the first time. So wet.
I tore from the hands that had kept me away and I threw myself to Gale, my face buried in his chest, for once not caring what anyone might think. He wrapped his arms around me, turning to Cel who stepped away and came into my line of vision. He’d been the one who’d pulled me in, pulled me in close. Held me still.
“Get a Fire Mage please, Mr. Castelo,” Gale ordered.
“But-”
“Now!” Gale yelled over my screams, that even to my ears sounded like a dying animal. Whimpers that mingled with pure pain, if pain could be boiled down to a single, heart-breaking sound. It still didn’t sound like me, there was no way it could be me. I heard Cel’s feet thunder away from us, and I just stood there and sobbed. Blinding, deafening pain throttled my entire being. And I saw her again. The way she’d mouthed ‘I love you’.
Lottie.
Zeevar, Lottie.
Over and over again, in an endless wretched loop.
I had no idea how much time passed. It could not have been long, but I had no awareness of anything beyond the darkness. My throat ached, and the room eventually emptied so that I felt only Gale and I remained.
Still, I cried. I screamed.
I’d felt it, the Air swirling around us. Gale had enclosed us, kept us closed in so no one could see, no one could hear. With a pop, the warmth flowed away and hands turned me from Gale’s chest - forcing my eyes to look up at an older woman I didn’t know.
“Sylvia, please,” Gale asked her, begged her.
“Of course. Calm, Miss Shaw. Calm,” she soothed simply, bright eyes staring down into mine as she ran her fingers over my jaw. “Calm.”
I took a deep breath, feeling numbness settle all the way to my bones. “Please,” I begged. “Please, help her. Help Lottie.” Tears tracked down my cheeks, further soaking my uniform that was already wet.
“She’s beyond help now, Kaia.” Gale’s voice cracked as he stared at me. I turned to him, reveling in that numbness.
“She can’t be gone,” I whispered, shaking my head in denial.
“She’s gone, Little One,” Cel repeated. I hadn’t noticed that he was still there. He gave my hand the barest of touches, but I hissed, drawing it back from him.
The hand Lottie had held.
I clutched it to my chest - that precious hand - and sobbed, my throat protesting in a desperate, pained rasp. “Make it stop,” I pleaded.
The Fire Mage nodded, and Cel stepped behind me. Fire Healer Sylvia’s fingers ran a line over my forehead as she smiled down at me. Sympathy swam in her eyes, but all I could think was that I had not told Lottie that I loved her back.
And I never could.
Then all there was, was black.
Six
Kaia
I woke up slowly, almost reluctantly - the black had been a dark comfort. I craved it. Grogginess made me keep my eyes closed, my breathing heavy as the sound of masculine voices reached my ears.
“How could you have let them do that to her?” The words were growled - Ronan then, without a doubt.
“You weren’t there. You didn’t see her. You didn’t have to hear her. She begged me to make it stop,” the voice was somber, almost a lecture but worry laced every word. Undeniably Gaylord.
My men were with me and where I should have felt their love wrap around me, comfort me, I felt nothing. Clenching my eyes shut, I refused to cry again. I still felt numb. I let my eyes open, turning to face away from where the guys stood fussing and arguing. The turn also had the added benefit of me facing away from Lottie’s empty side of the room. I should have noticed her increasing cleanliness as the Loyalty Trial approached. She’d known what she would do and hadn’t wanted to leave me to clean up her mess.
The realization that she hadn’t at the very least given me an opportunity to say goodbye hit hard, threatening the
peace I’d found in nothingness. Instead of letting it pull me out, I sank deeper into that numbness. I reveled in the depths of it.
“Kaia Wren, baby,” Alec Gaius said, and his soft footsteps came up behind me. “Are you awake?”
Silence. I nuzzled further into my pillow, and for the first time since I’d met them all, I just wanted them to go away. I wanted to wallow in my peaceful void.
“Kaia?” Ronan’s voice prodded. “Look at me.” When I didn’t move, Ronan sat on the edge of the bed, physically turning me over to see my face. I went limp, no struggling, no reaction. I stared up at that handsome face, concern etched into every inch of it. “Talk to me, sweetheart.”
I didn’t move. I didn’t speak.
There was nothing to say.
“What do you need, baby?” Alec Gaius asked, and Gale elbowed him in the side. My eyes fell from Ronan’s, drifting to stare at Lottie’s empty bed.
Ronan reached for my left hand, and I snapped it back before replacing it with my right hand. He could hold my right hand if he wanted and only my right hand. Lottie hadn’t held my right hand before she’d died. He glanced at it in confusion, lifting those silver eyes back to me. His eyebrows raised in a silent question I did not intend to answer.
“Kaia,” Gale started, approaching the bed. “We love you and we just want to help.”
“If you love me, you’ll leave me in peace,” I said shortly, my voice a broken whisper. My throat throbbed with the sound, and I could not help but wince.
“Your throat?” Gale asked knowingly, and I nodded at him before sinking back into my pillow.
“What’s wrong with her throat?” Ronan jumped up and stared down at Gale.
To his credit, Gale didn’t react to Ronan’s frustrated, jarring movement and gave a steady answer, “She was screaming, Ronan. Over and over and over, screaming. I’ve never heard anyone break like that.”