by Kenna Bardot
I tuned them out, ignored the cup of water they left for me on the nightstand until, eventually, they all left. Or so I assumed they did, just as I assumed they kissed me - soft lips brushing against my cold temple. But I was numb. Somehow, I couldn’t care less what they did at that moment. I just wanted to be left to my numbness.
Emerson appeared soon after, finished with classes, in some time after they’d gone - classes finished for the day and no doubt informed by Gale. He sat down by my head, stroked my hair in a misguided attempt to soothe me. I didn’t need soothing; there was nothing to soothe in that hollow place where nothing hurt. I said nothing, did nothing.
He bent down and kissed my cheek before settling in behind me. He wrapped his arms around me.
“I’m so sorry, Kai. So, so sorry,” he whispered against my neck. I let out a deep sigh, appreciating his warmth.
I was so cold.
Finally having peace, I fell asleep.
Only to relive Lottie’s death in my dreams.
✽✽✽
Even through loss, we had no choice but to move on. Or, in my case, pretend to. We said goodbye to Lottie in the temple and, after, people went about their business like she’d never existed.
Meals were eaten, weapons were wielded and classes were held.
And that’s where I was. Weaponry class, to be more exact. So I had to pretend to care about learning how to throw an axe, shoot an arrow, know what the fuck the different shields were used for, all while I had the dubious privilege of having Gale watch me like I would shatter at any given moment.
The ass.
“Okay, class, today we will work with the axe. I’ve prepared one for all of you in the adjoining room. They’re more practice models that can’t severely cut or kill anyone than anything. Still, please be careful. They are still capable of causing injury so make sure to use your shields wisely,” Gale lectured with a hand held out towards the other room. My classmates dutifully walked over but for me. I stared at the desk that had been left against the wall and the empty spot where Lottie always sat.
Gale walked over towards me. “Miss Shaw? Are you alright? Class has moved to the next room.”
“Wonderful,” I snapped, standing to join the others in the adjacent room. “You kept her desk against the wall. Makes sense I suppose? Since she’s no longer here, why bother expending energy for her?” I swatted away the hand he reached out to touch me with.
“Kaia. It would be worse to see an unoccupied chair.”
I drilled a finger into his shoulder. “Do not tell me what would be worse,” I hissed. “How would you know what it is to feel? You have your logic. That’s all you need, but some of us need more than that.” I held my hands up, exasperated and wanting nothing more than to retreat back into my shell. “Oh never mind. I’m going. I wouldn’t want to hold up your precious class.”
I stalked through the doorway and snatched up the remaining practice axe. When I looked up, I saw that everyone else had paired off and only Pia remained. She glared at me, and I scowled back at her.
Great. That was all on Lottie. Now, I got to partner the bitch supreme since she abandoned me.
I stomped towards Pia, sneering at her as I stood across from her. I gripped the handle of the axe I held tightly when she smirked at me in return.
“Shaw. Ready to get beat up?”
I snarled. “Ramos. What a pleasure it is partnering with you.”
Gale walked into the room, skidding to a halt when his eyes landed on Ramos and I paired off. He moved forward and the tension in his body language hinted at his intention to intervene. I whirled his way, raising an eyebrow at him in challenge.
He sighed, pinching his nose. It was the first time in a long time where I was the sole cause of that frustration. He tucked his hands into the pockets of his long leather coat, eyes still on me and sighed. “Okay, class. As previously mentioned, we will practice wielding the axe.” He held the one he used aloft, hefting it easily. “To those of you who already use a similar weapon as your Conduit, you are quite lucky. To those who do not, best pay close attention.”
“It is best held like this.” He gripped it easily in both hands, one over the other with a few inches between them on the throat of the handle and positioned his arms accordingly in front of his chest with his legs shoulder-width apart. “Please mirror my stance.”
The entire class moved to position, and I gritted my teeth as I did so. I was losing patience, for once having experience with something ahead of my class. Gale and Alec Gaius had ensured I was exposed to all manners of weapons the previous year.
“If you glare any harder, Docent Porter will melt.” I threw Pia a snarl, but endeavored to soften my gaze.
It didn’t work.
“Mind your fucking business, Ramos.”
“Must be missing your best friend then.” She just jabbed the knife in further. I took a step towards her, fully intending to swing the axe at the arrogant look on her face. “If we’re being honest, it would have been preferable if you had been the one to go. But, she did it. She chose the vial, the stupid bitch.”
“You selfish taint lov-” I took a step toward her. Gale cut off my raised voice. “Anything you would like to share with the class, Miss Shaw? Miss Ramos?”
Pia gave Gale a sickeningly sweet smile, that when turned on one of my men made me want to bash her face in. “No, Docent Porter. We were just discussing the benefits of the axe.”
Gale nodded, ignoring the scathing look I turned his way, the look in his eyes betraying uncertainty as he addressed the entire room, “Now, turn to your partner. Choose who defends first and who attacks first. Take it slowly.”
Pia smiled at me smugly. “So, what do you say, Shaw? Can you take me?”
I let out a growl and lunged, catching Pia completely off-guard. I hit her on the side and she gasped, trying to fend me off with her own axe. I stopped her with an abrupt push, watching as she fell to the ground. Swinging my axe over my head, I saw red, engulfed by the desire to smash in her pretty face.
A strong grip grasped my axe, stopping me from moving it. “Miss Shaw.”
I looked up and found Gale looking down at me - stern and unsmiling. I gazed around the room and saw a sickening mix of horror and amusement on the faces of my classmates.
“That’s enough. You are excused from this class,” Gale continued.
I pulled at the axe, but I was no match for Gale’s strength. It only made me pull harder in defiance.
“What?” I seethed when he wouldn’t give.
“Out. Now.”
I let the axe handle go with a violent push that sent the handle crashing into his chest. “Fine.”
I stalked out of the room and gave Lottie’s desk a swift kick before I fled down the hallway, bursting into my room with an adrenaline rush. I felt the Air swirling in my hands before it wrapped around the mattress of Lottie’s bed. Pain burst through my arms, jarring the muscles into a spasm.
With a resounding thud, the mattress slammed against the wall of our room, shaking Lottie’s belongings and making a mess of the room she went to the trouble of keeping clean for me.
I collapsed to the floor. I buried my face in my hands, whimpering, and wished I could actually hate her when the empty void she left just broke me.
✽✽✽
The door opened - I hadn't locked it - but I didn't move. No tears had fallen, but my body felt like it had gone through a long crying jag.
A creak, the door closing softly and the lock clicking gently. I heard footsteps walk towards where I was, but I was lost, drifting. Gone.
"Kaia Wren?" The voice was soft, worried. I felt nothing but a void inside me - no reaction to the love that poured over me.
A hand ran down my hair until it reached my chin and my head was tilted upward. I met Gale's green eyes.
"Kaia Wren. Are you okay?"
I scooted backwards to get away from the touch - it was warm, too warm. Just as the feelings in those eyes were -
warmth I didn't particularly care for. "Please leave."
"Kaia, I'm sorry I had to ask you to leave, but you were out of control."
I tilted my head to the side, felt my hair caress my shoulder. "Please leave."
He pinched the bridge of his nose but nodded. "As you wish."
The door creaked again as it was opened, as it was closed.
I stared up at the ceiling. I was alone.
I could like being alone.
✽✽✽
InkHaven. Hours after night had fallen. Hours still before the sun would rise.
The halls were empty.
Always empty at this time of night. Long after classes ended. Long after the sun had set. Just empty.
Everything was empty.
Even me.
Especially me.
The anger had left, only to be replaced with that comforting numbness. It was my fault that Lottie was gone, and I hadn’t done anything to stop it. Stop her.
The signs had been there - the way she’d talked about my future, the way she’d talked to me about chasing my dreams, my wishes and desires. She’d never talked about hers, had gone out of her way not to speak of them.
Maybe, if I had known, had recognized things, she’d still be with me. Still be alive and vital and real.
But she wasn’t.
My fingers stroked the whip that wrapped around my wrist. I needed it, only it, and never my sword, never really my sword.
I wandered the empty halls, my bare footsteps echoing in the silence. I was awake, as I needed to be. I couldn’t let myself go to sleep and give in to dreams - in dreams I saw the Lottie I knew I would never see again.
Emerson and Gale had surpassed being simply worried as the dark circles under my eyes got worse every day that passed. They were desperate to help, but they couldn’t help me. How could they? How could they help me when I didn’t want to be helped?
I finally reached the door that led to the gardens - the side gardens that were small and intimate.
Mine.
I only had to share with the bite of the night air and the glowy fingers of moonlight. I ignored the snap of cold that gripped my bare feet, my bare legs. They gave me a sensation when I no longer had any.
I barely felt anything anymore.
I sat on the bench in front of the roses, running my fingers over the petals of a lush white rose that seemed to glow under the moonlight. Life pulsed beneath my fingers the way it always had at the nursery, and I found my thoughts drifting to the petals that fell to the ground when I touched. The petals that had already fallen and were no longer. Withered. Dead.
Dead.
I stroked once more. Another petal fell from the rose, floating down to lay with the others on the stone pathway. I summoned my Air - barely there but enough - to clear the pathway with a gentle breeze; sweep away the dead like they never existed.
But they had even when they left no trace.
Arms wrapped around my waist from behind, breath tickling my ear. The warmth engulfed me, the helpless worry smothering me.
He’d found me.
He always found me.
“Come back to bed, Kai,” Emerson whispered, thumbs rubbing at the tank top covering my ribs. I nodded absently, rubbing the soft velvet of the rose petal in between my fingers.
I nodded, because I knew I would slip out again as soon as he fell asleep. He sighed, because he knew it as well.
“You need to grieve, honey,” he murmured, turning me into his arms. “But more, you need to sleep.”
Staring up at him, I nearly gave in to the urge to lose myself in those stunning sea green eyes of his, but the numbness was like a physical wall between us - one that I knew I had no desire to demolish.
I didn’t know what I really needed.
“I can’t, Emerson. I don’t know how,” I whispered back. His forehead pressed to mine, a deep sigh catching in his lungs as his face pulled into a pained grimace.
“How can I help you, Precious? I need to help you. Please,” he begged.
I ducked my head and stared at the ground.
His hands moved to drift over my bare arms, hissing out a breath as he did so. “Zeevar, you’re freezing.” He rubbed at my skin before stripping off his zip-up sweatshirt and tugging it over my shoulders, zipping it up all the way as he did so.
“You don’t have to do that,” I protested, unzipping it and shrugging it off. I held it back to him. “I’m not cold.”
“You’re freezing, Kaia,” he insisted, pushing at my hands.
My brow furrowed at his insistence, eyes glancing down at my bare legs. “I’m not cold, Emerson. I don’t feel it.”
Or anything else. I thought, but didn’t add.
“Your body feels it, trust me. If you do need to come out here again at this time, at least promise me that you’ll wrap yourself up. Or at least wear footwear,” he said, tucking me into his hoodie again, this time more forcefully.
“I didn’t want to wake you.” I closed my eyes. I could almost pretend I was alone again.
He expelled a long breath, taking my hand and guiding me back inside the building. We went through the door, walked the empty hallways and his pace was brisk as we made our way back to my room.
“You can always wake me. I don’t mind.” When he opened the door, I expected to feel my heart clench at the sight of Lottie’s untouched belongings. Untouched, but for that mattress I’d thrown to the wall. It was left there, it was of no use any longer. But I didn’t have any reaction.
There was just more nothing.
Emerson guided me to bed, tucking me in and settling in beside me. He kissed my forehead, and we laid there, with me so hyper-aware of his breathing so as to know the exact moment he fell asleep. After what felt like a really long time, I heard his breath even out to a steady sleeping rhythm.
Without hesitation, I slipped out of bed again and left the room. I ignored the coat that Emerson had lain out. Ignored the shoes he’d placed by the bed.
The halls were empty.
I liked it when the halls were empty.
✽✽✽
“Alright, take fifteen minutes to connect and then we will get started,” Ink Docent Briggs announced, and everyone around me started getting ready. Some of them took a cushion from the edge of the room since just the yoga mat was usually not enough especially for the more enthusiastic exercises. Mine lay beside me, unrolled as I simply knelt on the floor, knowing full well I wouldn’t need any sort of cushion. I wouldn’t feel any pain.
I didn’t feel anything anymore.
Ranged with all the other Disciples at the back of the room, I ignored everyone and thanked my luck that Emerson was three years behind me now and couldn’t watch me during the classes we technically shared. Cel walked as close as he could without leaving the fifth years and still keep an eye on me. He stared at me, a new silent sentry that I simply ignored.
I met his eyes, and he narrowed his at me before pointedly staring at the unrolled mat I had beside me. I simply met his stare blankly until he walked over. He tossed his cushion at me and gave my head a pat.
“Use it.” He walked off, presumably, to get another one.
From the side, Gale shot him an annoyed look, but his eyes came back to meet mine and morphed into open concern. I sighed and broke eye contact, moving slowly to kneel on the cushion. I didn’t turn but I knew they were staring.
I half-listened to Ink Docent Briggs give her instructions, guide us to finding our center and meeting Zeevar. But I had nothing.
Nothing there.
I stared ahead, letting that nothing swallow me.
I stared.
And I stared.
And I felt that nothing inch all over my skin.
A face swam in front of mine, blurry and unrecognizable. A voice spoke up, but I could not distinguish any words.
A hand slapped at the flesh of my thigh followed by a bark of, “Kaia!” I jolted, gasping.
My eyes focused slowly, finding G
ale’s angry face in front of mine. Whispers from the other students finally reached my ears, and while a year prior I would have blushed in embarrassment, I could not be bothered. Not then.
Still there was nothing.
Ink Docent Briggs walked over, and Gale stood up to whisper to her. She stared down at me with kind, sympathetic eyes.
“Be well, Miss Shaw,” she said to me softly before giving Gale’s shoulder a squeeze and walking back to the front of the class. She demanded everyone’s attention by speaking up in front. I could barely hear her.
“Take her to the Infirmary,” Gale said hesitantly to Cel, who was watching us from his vantage point. “I would do it, but I’m needed here. Tell them she hasn’t been sleeping.”
“No,” I whispered, begging Gale with my eyes. He didn’t know about the dreams. He couldn’t know, since I never spoke about them.
“You need to sleep, Miss Shaw. I’ve spoken with Ink Docent Briggs so you’re free to go. Please leave with Mr. Castelo,” he ordered in his Air Docent voice. I nodded with a wince, thinking about how many times Gale had asked me to leave a class. What was I turning into?
I let Cel take my arm and guide me from the classroom. The entire class along with all the other Docents watched us walk out silently as we passed.
We walked to the Infirmary without a single word. Somehow, Cel seemed to respect my wish for silence on some deep level that the others didn’t.
Even with my slower than creeping pace, it didn’t take long for us to reach the Infirmary where Cel asked me to stay put before walking towards an office with a closed door. I had resisted the offer of a bed and just stood there, in the middle of a quiet and empty room with several unoccupied beds. I contemplated running, but knew there was nowhere to hide. Everywhere, I would be assaulted with thoughts I did not wish to think. Memories I had no wish to remember.
I just didn’t want to sleep.
I didn’t want to see it again.
The same Fire Mage, Sylvia, who had calmed me on that day walked out and guided me gently to sit down. Somehow, the gentle touch of her hand on my shoulder was stronger than the pleading I saw in the eyes of the men around me. She tipped my chin up to meet her eyes.