Thank You, Jeeves

by P. G. Wodehouse

  'No, sir. On observing his lordship making in this direction, I can easily detain him for a moment on some matter.'

  'Such as—?'

  'I have long been desirous of canvassing his lordship's views as to the desirability of purchasing some new socks.'

  'H'm! You know what you are when you get on to the subject of socks, Jeeves. Don't get carried away and keep him talking for an hour. I want to get this thing over.'

  'I quite understand, sir.'

  'When did you see Miss Stoker?'

  'About a quarter of an hour ago, sir.'

  'Funny, she doesn't turn up. I wonder what they're talking about?'

  'I could not say, sir.'

  'Ah!'

  I had observed a gleam of white among the bushes. The next moment, the girl appeared. She was looking more beautiful than ever, her eyes, in particular, shining like twin stars. Nevertheless, I did not waver in my view that I was jolly glad it was Chuffy who, if all went well, was going to marry her, and not me. Odd, how a girl may be a perfect knock-out, and yet one can still feel that to be married to her would give one the absolute pip. That's Life, I suppose.

  'Hallo, Bertie,' said Pauline. 'What's all this about your having a headache? You seem to have been doing yourself pretty well, in spite of it.'

  'I found I could peck a bit. You had better take these things back, Jeeves.'

  'Very good, sir.'

  'And you won't forget that, if his lordship should want me, I'm here.'

  'No, sir.'

  He gathered up the plate, cup and bottle and disappeared. And whether I was sorry to see him go or not, I couldn't have said. I was feeling a good deal worked up. Taut, if you know what I mean. On edge. Tense. The best idea I can give you of my emotions at this juncture is to say that they rather resembled those I had once felt when starting to sing 'Sonny Boy' at Beefy Bingham's Church Lads entertainment down in the East End.

  Pauline had grabbed my arm, and was beginning to make some species of communication.

  'Bertie,' she was saying ...

  But at this point I caught sight of Chuffy's head over a shrub, and I felt that the moment had come to act. It was one of those things that want doing quickly or not at all. I waited no longer. Folding the girl in my arms, I got home on her right eyebrow. It wasn't one of my best, I will admit, but it was a kiss within the meaning of the act, and I fancied that it ought to produce results.

  And so, no doubt, it would have done, had the fellow who entered left at this critical point been Chuffy. But it wasn't. What with only being able to catch a fleeting glimpse of a Homburg hat through the foliage, I appeared to have made an unfortunate floater. The bloke who now stood before us was old Pop Stoker, and I confess I found myself a prey to a certain embarrassment.

  It was, you must admit, not a little awkward. Here was an anxious father who combined with a strong distaste for Bertram Wooster the notion that his daughter was madly in love with him: and the first thing he saw when he took an after-luncheon saunter was the two of us locked in a close embrace. It was enough to give any parent the jitters, and I was not surprised that his demeanour was that of stout Cortez staring at the Pacific. A fellow with fifty millions in his kick doesn't have to wear the mask. If he wants to give any selected bloke a nasty look, he gives him a nasty look. He was giving me one now. It was a look that had both alarm and anguish in it, and I realized that Pauline's statement regarding his views had been accurate.

  Fortunately, the thing did not go beyond looks. Say what you like against civilization, it comes in dashed handy in a crisis like this. It may be a purely artificial code that keeps a father from hoofing his daughter's kisser when they are fellow guests at a house, but at this moment I felt that I could do with all the purely artificial codes that were going.

  There was just one instant when his foot twitched and it seemed as if what you might call the primitive J. Washburn Stoker was about to find self-expression. Then civilization prevailed. With one more of those looks he collected Pauline, and the next moment I was alone and at liberty to think the thing over.

  And it was as I was doing so with the help of a soothing cigarette that Chuffy bounded into my little sylvan glade. He too appeared to have something on his mind, for he was noticeably pop-eyed.

  'Look here, Bertie,' he began without preamble, 'what's all this I hear?'

  'What's all what you hear, old man?'

  'Why didn't you tell me you had been engaged to Pauline Stoker?'

  I raised an eyebrow. It seemed to me that a touch of the iron hand would not be out of place. If you see a fellow's going to be austere with you, there's nothing like jumping in and being austere with him first.

  'I fail to understand you, Chuffnell,' I said stiffly. 'Did you expect me to send you a post card?'

  'You could have told me this morning.'

  'I saw no reason to do so. How did you hear about it, anyhow?'

  'Sir Roderick Glossop happened to mention it.'

  'Oh, he did, did he? Well, he's an authority on the subject. He was the bird who broke it off.'

  'What do you mean?'

  'He happened to be in New York at the time, and it was the work of a moment with him to tap old Stoker on the chest and urge him to give me the push. The whole thing didn't last more than forty-eight hours from kick-off to finish.'

  Chuffy eyed me narrowly.

  'You swear that?'

  'Certainly.'

  'Only forty-eight hours?'

  'Less.'

  'And there's nothing between you now?'

  His demeanour was not matey, and I began to perceive that in arranging that Stoker and not he should be the witness of the recent embrace the guardian angel of the Woosters had acted dashed shrewdly.

  'Nothing.'

  'You're sure?'

  'Nothing whatever. So charge in, Chuffy, old man,' I said, patting his shoulder in an elder-brotherly manner. 'Follow the dictates of the old heart and fear nothing. The girl is potty about you.'

  'Who told you that?'

  'She did.'

  'Herself?'

  'In person.'

  'She does really love me?'

  'Passionately, I gathered.'

  A look of relief came into the old egg's care-worn face. He passed a hand over the forehead and generally relaxed.

  'Well, that's all right, then. Sorry, if I appeared a bit rattled for a moment. When a fellow's just got engaged to a girl, it's rather a jar to find that she was engaged to somebody else about two months before.'

  I was astounded.

  'Are you engaged? Since when?'

  'Since shortly after lunch.'

  'But how about Wotwotleigh?'

  'Who told you about Wotwotleigh?'

  'Jeeves. He said the shadow of Wotwotleigh brooded over you like a cloud.'

  'Jeeves talks too much. As a matter of fact, Wotwotleigh didn't enter into the matter at all. Immediately before I fixed things up with Pauline, old Stoker told me he had decided to buy the house.'

  'Really!'

  'Absolutely. I think it was the port that did it. I lushed him up on the last of the '85.'

  'You couldn't have done a wiser thing. Your own idea?'

  'No. Jeeves's.'

  I could not restrain a wistful sigh.

  'Jeeves is a wonder.'

  'A marvel.'

  'What a brain!'

  'Size nine-and-a-quarter, I should say.'

  'He eats a lot of fish. What a pity he has no ear for music,' I said moodily. Then I stifled regret and tried to think not of my bereavement but of Chuffy's bit of luck. 'Well, this is fine,' I said heartily. 'I hope you will be very, very happy. I can honestly say that I always look on Pauline as one of the nicest girls I was ever engaged to.'

  'I wish you would stop harping on that engagement.'

  'Quite.'

  'I'm trying to forget that you ever were engaged to her.'

  'Quite, quite.'

  'When I think that you were once in a position to ...'
/>
  'But I wasn't. Never lose sight of the fact that the betrothal only lasted two days, during both of which I was in bed with a nasty cold.'

  'But when she accepted you, you must have ...'

  'No, I didn't. A waiter came into the room with a tray of beef sandwiches and the moment passed.'

  'Then you never ...?'

  'Absolutely never.'

  'She must have had a great time, being engaged to you. One round of excitement. I wonder what on earth made her accept you?'

  This had puzzled me too, more than a little. I can only suppose that there is something in me that strikes a chord in the bosoms of these forceful females. I've known it happen before, on the occasion when I got engaged to Honoria Glossop.

  'I once consulted a knowledgeable pal,' I said, 'and his theory was that the sight of me hanging about like a loony sheep awoke the maternal instinct in Woman. There may be something in this.'

  'Possibly,' agreed Chuffy. 'Well, I'll be getting along. I suppose Stoker will want to talk to me about the house. You coming?'

  'No, thanks. The fact of the matter is, old man, I'm not so dashed keen on mingling with your little troupe. I could stand your Aunt Myrtle. I could even stand little Seabury. But add Stoker and Glossop, and the going becomes too sticky for Bertram. I shall take a stroll about the estate.'

  This demesne or seat of Chuffy's was a topping place for a stroll, and I should have thought he would have had a certain regret at the thought that it was passing out of his hands, to become a private loony-bin. But I suppose when you've been cooped up in a house for years with an Aunt Myrtle and a cousin Seabury for next-door neighbours, you lose your taste for it. I spent an agreeable two hours messing about, and it was well along into the late afternoon when the imperative need for a cup of tea sent me sauntering round to the back premises, where I anticipated finding Jeeves.

  A scullery-maid of sorts directed me to his quarters, and I sat down in the comfortable certainty that ere long the steaming pot and buttered toast would be to the fore. The happy ending of which Chuffy had recently apprised me had induced contentment, and a nice hot cup and slab of toast would, I felt, just top the thing off.

  'In fact, Jeeves,' I said, 'even muffins would scarcely be out of place on an occasion like this. I find it very gratifying to reflect that Chuffy's storm-tossed soul has at last come safely into harbour. You heard about Stoker promising to buy the house?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'And the engagement?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'I suppose old Chuffy is feeling great.'

  'Not altogether, sir.'

  'Eh?'

  'No, sir. I regret to say that there has been something in the nature of a hitch.'

  'What! They can't have quarrelled already?'

  'No, sir. His lordship's relations with Miss Stoker continue uniformly cordial. It is with Mr Stoker that he is on distant terms.'

  'Oh, my God!'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'What happened?'

  'The origin of the trouble was a physical contest between Master Dwight Stoker and Master Seabury, sir. You may recollect my mentioning that during luncheon there appeared to be a lack of perfect sympathy between the young gentlemen.'

  'But you said—'

  'Yes, sir. Matters were smoothed over at the time, but they came to a head again some forty minutes after the conclusion of the meal. The young gentlemen had gone off together to the small morning-room, and there, it appears, Master Seabury endeavoured to exact from Master Dwight the sum of one shilling and sixpence for what he termed protection.'

  'Oh, golly!'

  'Yes, sir. Master Dwight, I gathered, declined in a somewhat high-spirited manner to kick in, as I believe the expression is, and one word led to another, with the result that at about three-thirty sounds indicative of a brawl were heard proceeding from the morning-room, and the senior members of the party, repairing thither, discovered the young gentlemen on the floor, surrounded by the debris of a china cabinet which they had overturned in their struggle. At the moment of their arrival, Master Dwight appeared to be having somewhat the better of the exchanges, for he was seated on Master Seabury's chest, bumping his head on the carpet.'

  It will give you some idea of the grave concern which this narrative was occasioning me, when I say that my emotion on hearing this was not a sober ecstasy at the thought that after all these long years somebody had at last been treating little Seabury's head as it ought to be treated, but a sickening dismay. I could see whither all this was tending.

  'Gosh, Jeeves!'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'And then?'

  'The action then became, as it were, general, sir.'

  'The old brigade lent a hand?'

  'Yes, sir, the initiative being taken by Lady Chuffnell.'

  I moaned.

  'It would be, Jeeves. Chuffy has often told me that her attitude towards Seabury resembles that of a tigress towards its cub. In Seabury's interests she has always been inclined to stamp on the world's toes and give it the elbow. I have heard Chuffy's voice absolutely quiver when describing the way in which, in the days before he contrived to shoot them off to the Dower House and they were still living at the Hall, she always collared the best egg at breakfast and slipped it to the little one. But go on.'

  'On witnessing the position of affairs, her ladyship uttered a sharp cry and struck Master Dwight with considerable force on the right ear.'

  'Upon which, of course ...?'

  'Precisely, sir. Mr Stoker, espousing the cause of his son, aimed a powerful kick at Master Seabury'

  'And got him, Jeeves? Tell me he got him.'

  'Yes, sir. Master Seabury was rising at the moment, and his attitude was exceptionally well adapted for the receipt of such an attack. The next moment, a heated altercation had broken out between her ladyship and Mr Stoker. Her ladyship called to Sir Roderick for support, and he – somewhat reluctantly, it appeared to me – proceeded to take Mr Stoker to task for the assault. High words ensued, and the upshot of it was that Mr Stoker with a good deal of warmth informed Sir Roderick that if he supposed that he, Mr Stoker, intended to purchase Chuffnell Hall after what had occurred, he, Sir Roderick, was in grave error.'

  I buried the head in the hands.

  'Upon this ...'

  'Yes, get it over, Jeeves. I can see what's coming.'

  'Yes, sir. I agree with you that the whole affair has something of the dark inevitability of Greek tragedy. Upon this, his lordship, who had been an agitated auditor, gave vent to a startled exclamation and urged Mr Stoker to disclaim these words. It was his lordship's view that Mr Stoker, having given his promise to purchase Chuffnell Hall, could not, as an honourable man, recede from this obligation. Upon Mr Stoker replying that he did not care what he had promised or what he had not promised and continuing to asseverate that not a penny of his money should be expended in the direction indicated, his lordship, I regret to say, became somewhat unguarded in his speech.'

  I moaned another bar or two. I knew what old Chuffy was capable of when his generous nature was stirred. I had heard him coaching his college boat at Oxford.

  'He ticked Stoker off?'

  'With considerable vigour, sir. Stating in an extremely candid manner his opinion of the latter's character, commercial probity, and even appearance.'

  'That must have put the lid on it.'

  'It did appear to create a certain coldness, sir.'

  'And then?'

  'That terminated the distressing scene, sir. Mr Stoker returned to the yacht with Miss Stoker and Master Dwight. Sir Roderick has gone to secure accommodation for himself at the local inn. Lady Chuffnell is applying arnica to Master Seabury in his bedroom. His lordship, I believe, is taking the dog for a run in the west park.'

  I mused.

  'When all this happened, had Chuffy told Stoker he wanted to marry Miss Stoker?'

  'No, sir.'

  'Well, I don't see how he can very well do it now.'

  'I fancy the anno
uncement would not be cordially received, sir.'

  'They will have to meet by stealth.'

  'Even that will be a little difficult, sir. I should have mentioned that I chanced to be an auditor of a conversation between Mr and Miss Stoker, from the substance of which I gathered that it was the gentleman's intention to keep Miss Stoker virtually in durance vile on board the yacht, not permitting her to go ashore during the remainder of their enforced stay in the harbour.'

  'But you said he didn't know anything about the engagement.'

  'Mr Stoker's motive in immuring Miss Stoker on the vessel is not to prevent her encountering his lordship, but to obviate any chance of her meeting you, sir. The fact that you embraced the young lady has convinced him that her affection for you has persisted since your parting in New York.'

  'You're sure you really heard all this?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'How did you come to do that?'

  'I was conversing with his lordship at the moment on one side of a screen of bushes, when the conversation which I have described broke out on the other side. There was no alternative but to overhear Mr Stoker's remarks.'

  I started visibly.

  'You were talking with Chuffy, did you say?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'And he heard all that, too?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'About me kissing Miss Stoker?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'Did it seem to stir him up?'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'What did he say?'

  'He mentioned something about scooping out your inside, sir.'

  I wiped the brow.

  'Jeeves,' I said, 'this calls for careful thought.'

  'Yes, sir.'

  'Advise me, Jeeves.'

  'Well, sir, I think it might be judicious if you were to attempt to persuade his lordship that the spirit in which you embraced Miss Stoker was a purely brotherly one.'

  'Brotherly? You think I could get away with that?'

  'I fancy so, sir. After all, you are an old friend of the young lady. It would be quite understandable that you should bestow a kindly and dispassionate kiss upon her on learning of her betrothal to so close an intimate as his lordship.'

  I rose.

  'It may work, Jeeves. It is, at least, worth trying. I shall now leave you, to prepare myself for the ordeal before me with silent meditation.'