Once Beloved

by Amara Royce

  Chapter 21

  As Gran responded positively but slowly to the treatments, Helena’s days developed a routine, of sorts. Despite all the potent memories that lurked in the house, tucked in drawers, hidden behind curtains, she found comfort in being here, in making herself useful here. A whiff of Mother’s perfume or her father’s pipe would bring her to tears, but it was no longer an unwelcome shock; instead, she embraced each grief as it came and let it run its course.

  A thump against the window startled her. She’d left windows open in the back bedrooms to let in some much needed fresh air, and she looked around warily. She saw nothing unusual, inside or out, but couldn’t relax. The sound sparked some vague memory, one she didn’t want to uncover, but she couldn’t forestall the bitter taste in her mouth or the ringing in her ears. Or the darkness at the edges of her vision. No, no, no! Then she caught sight of a gray object on the floor, small, the size of a child’s ball. When it twitched, she shrieked. She pressed her clenched fists against her forehead as she struggled to master her unbalanced reaction. In a blink, the poor bird hopped and then took off, only to crash into a window again and then another, growing more frantic as it sought the open air. On one detached, disembodied level, she could sympathize with its impotent struggles, but as it screeched and thudded against the arc of windows, her senses overloaded, and she dropped into a crouch against the wall, hands over her ears, as the banging transformed in her mind.

  Rocks pounding against wood, against flesh, against bone. Blood covering Isaiah’s face and hands even as he called out for calm and reason. Isaiah’s voice drowned out by a mindless throng. And the thudding, over and over and over. No, no, no. She couldn’t stop it. It would never end.

  God only knew how much time had passed before she realized a trembling hand stroked her head. Gran stood over her looking weak but determined. “I heard a crash. What happened?”

  “Nothing, Gran! Only me being clumsy.” She looked at the windows, some of the curtains tattered by the bird’s struggles. It was ridiculous to try to prevaricate. Clumsiness couldn’t possibly account for how her grandmother had found her. And Vanessa stood in the doorway, watching, waiting, wringing her apron.

  She rested her forehead on her folded arms, hiding her face.

  “What happened to you, Lena?” her grandmother asked, gently. “What happened to the inquisitive little girl who wanted to go everywhere and meet everyone and feared nothing, not even her parents’ wrath? You’ve always had a good heart, but anyone can see plain as day that you’re broken. Well, anyone who knows you. You’re afraid of everything, it seems.”

  “I am, Gran. I am terrified, and I don’t know how to change that. I don’t think anything can.”

  She heard her niece moving carefully through the room toward the windows. At the girl’s gasp, she looked up to see Vanessa cradling something dark in her hands. That damned bird. Others might see it as portentous that a lone bird, probably seeking food or companions, essentially trapped itself for days and may have destroyed itself trying to get free from its self-imposed glass prison.

  “Oh, no!” Helena said, “Please no! Tell me it’s not dead.”

  Vanessa looked unsure but, to her credit, didn’t waver.

  “But why, dearie? What made you so very frightened? You seemed fine when you arrived. A bit skittish perhaps, but that’s understandable considering how foolishly folks around here carried on about your elopement, as if that were any of their business. I thought—I hoped—that after you’d been here a few weeks, you would feel at home again.”

  “I see now that this will always be my home, at least in spirit. But the village has gotten no better in all this time. I’m a scapegoat for all the ills that have befallen this land.”

  “Aye, well, women have carried the blame of the world since Eve. You used to know better than to credit all that nonsense or else you wouldn’t have left.”

  She looked up and met Gran’s gaze. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that her niece had moved toward the windows. For once, she needed her family to understand her choices.

  “I always took it to heart, Gran, but my husband mattered more to me than any of that; he mattered more to me than my own life. None of the vitriol from our little community touched me then, not when I could have a life with him.”

  “That look in your eye says it all. He meant the world to you, and now you’ve lost him too.”

  Gran squeezed her hand with surprising firmness, and she closed her eyes tightly to rein in the sudden surge of emotions. Lost him. He’d been taken from her, brutally, and she was the one who was lost. Now more than ever.

  “What happened, dearest girl? What made you so afraid?”

  “It’s the crowds, Gran. I cannot abide too many people close around me.”

  “But why? You’ve not had such difficulty before.”

  “How much do you know about the circumstances of my husband’s death?”

  “Not very much. The newspapers reported mill riots in the South, and we saw his name among the injured. Later, railway gossip filtered from into the village.”

  “I don’t know how much detail the papers would have provided here, but if ours were any indication, the news depended very much on which side the publisher favored. I was there with him. He wasn’t even a party on either side. We were simply passing through the town on our way home from a trip to the ocean. It wasn’t a riot yet, simply a gathering of people in the town square to air their grievances. When he saw the crowds and heard the angry grumbling, his aim was to pacify them, lest anyone be harmed. He tried to mediate between the mill owners and the workers.”

  “And look what that got him,” Gran said quietly, neutrally, as if reading her own thoughts.

  “Exactly! Foolish, foolish man. I told him not to stop. That it wasn’t our business. But he believed he could help, believed he could be the voice of reason. He waded into the crowd toward the raised platform at the center of the town square. I tried to follow him, but the crowd became too thick. I remember he called to me and said, ‘Go back! It will be safer for you at the edge of the crowd.’ But I couldn’t bear to be so far away. Watching him make his way, pausing occasionally to convince men here and there to let him pass, I knew in my bones something was wrong. I should have fought harder.

  “I don’t know what prompted it, but . . .” She stood and began pacing, touching things around the room. She was in Marksby in her childhood home. She was safe. “It happened so quickly. One large stone flew at him out of the mass of people. I don’t know if anyone could have known what direction it came from. I only saw Isaiah’s head recoil from the impact. He raised his arms, but I couldn’t hear what he said. Then another rock hit him, and then another, and another. I remember screaming, and I remember the crowd around me tightening and surging forward. He dropped out of view, and I tried so hard to get through that mass of people. I begged and cried and shoved. All the while, the crowd tightened around me as everyone strove to get closer to the action. At some point, a constable was trying to get the people around me to disperse. He must have thought me mad as I babbled.” She looked out the window at the patchwork rise and fall of the fields around them. In the unreasoning madness of the mob, it was a wonder she had survived.

  Gran came to her side, the older woman’s grasp on her hand impressively firm. “He died doing what he felt was just. He wouldn’t have left you alone by choice.”

  “A kind couple who owned a shop nearby saw me pass by in hysterics. I was informed later that I only agreed to take shelter with them when the constable promised to find out my husband’s condition. I waited there for so very, very long.”

  Thin but strong arms wrapped around her. “Go on, my lass. I’m here with you.”

  Helena couldn’t hold back the sobs that punctuated the rest. “Isaiah never woke again. The doctors and surgeons there did what they could, to no avail. Soon, they agreed we could do no worse by returning home so the boys could perhaps see their father before he p
assed on. That was the most harrowing ride of my life. I watched him like a hawk for the entire trip, terrified that each breath would be his last. Terrified that each jolt caused him unspeakable suffering not visible to the human eye.”

  “It’s never easy to see our loved ones go, is it?” Her grandmother spoke softly, as she would to a child. “No matter how they pass, we’re never truly ready to let go. And to lose your husband so young, to be alone in all that violence, oh, my sweet Lena, I wish we’d known.”

  Helena leaned into her grandmother’s unyielding hold and let the tears come. All the terror and helplessness and frustration and loss poured through her. When the flood of emotion receded, she was able to explain how Isaiah’s gruesome death still haunted her.

  “Since the incident, I have found it increasingly difficult to be amid large groups of people. Being here, able to walk the fields without a soul in sight for miles, has been heavenly. In London, I find it harder and harder to leave the house. At first, I felt mere discomfort, but the feeling has grown over time instead of diminishing. These days, I find myself suffocating when surrounded by people. Even the very thought of being in the midst of a group can leave me paralyzed with fear. I’ve begun fainting. It’s really quite pathetic.” She finished with a wry smile. “Some might say we received our just desserts.”

  “Anyone who would even think such a thing is inhuman!” Daniel! At the sound of his furious voice, she whirled to face him. How did he manage to appear at her lowest moments? She hadn’t heard his footsteps approaching, and suddenly here he was, filling the doorway. If she were a fanciful person, she might think he looked like an archangel, massive and righteous and larger than life.

  “Daniel! What are you doing here?” Helena asked as Gran moved to greet him.

  After responding to Gran’s welcome and asking about her health, Daniel held her grandmother’s hand in his large one and said, “I came to see your grandmother. Gordon’s wife sent along a basket, which I left with Mrs. Weathers. She told me that Mrs. Thorton was expecting me.”

  He looked uncomfortable, and she feared how much he’d heard of their conversation.

  “That was when your spells began?” he blurted out.

  “You were eavesdropping? How very ungentlemanly of you,” she said, without heat. She looked at him warily. “How much did you hear?”

  “Enough,” he said simply. “I heard enough to fit the pieces together. We should talk.”

  Gran interrupted, “My fine lad, help me get back to bed and then take my granddaughter out for a turn in the air. I suspect she’s not fully recovered from that wee birdie that confused indoors and outdoors.”

  “I’m fine, Gran. Mr. Lanfield came to visit you, not me.”

  “Well, and he’s seen me, hasn’t he? Let people fuss over you a bit for a change, Lena. In any case, leave me a moment’s peace.” Gran’s parting wink discomfited her and reassured her simultaneously. The woman was quite fond of teasing her family; the twinkle in her eye attested that she was getting back to full health.

  As she led Daniel down the stairs, she whispered, “It was exceedingly kind of you to come, but you needn’t stay. I’m certain you have important things to attend to.”

  “I do indeed,” he said, with a determined gleam in his eye. Then he took her hand and pulled her out the front door with him.

  “Where are we going?” Helena asked.

  Daniel wished he had an answer, but, in truth, when he’d taken her hand, he simply wanted to take her away. When he had entered Mrs. Thornton’s room, he should have announced his presence immediately, but he’d thought they’d hear him coming up the stairs. The agony in Helena’s voice had frozen him on the staircase. He’d been nearly overwhelmed by the urge to rush to her side and wrap his arms around her like a human suit of armor. Even now, the impulse to simply cocoon her loomed large. She wouldn’t accept that. Now he just wanted to get her away from the memories that troubled her. Away from the past that hung over her. Just away.

  Since he couldn’t give her a direction, instead he asked, “You’ve been better, haven’t you? Since you’ve been here, I mean. You had no problems during the trip to Bradford.”

  He didn’t miss her hesitation as she chose her words carefully. “I believe I have. It hasn’t escalated, which is a wonder when you consider all the unfamiliar and even hostile situations I’ve been in recently.”

  “Let’s follow the Grand-dame’s advice,” he said impulsively. “She’s never steered me wrong before. Come for a walk with me, not for errands or tasks, but simply for enjoyment.”

  He half-expected her to say no, to give a heap of excuses why she couldn’t spare the time. He was all too adept at that himself, devoting his attention to everything that had to be done. But he wanted her company. After hearing of the real reason for her spells, he wanted to see her safe and to ensure that she found her tenuous equanimity again. An odd sensation built in his chest when she said, “I know exactly the place to go!”

  He wasn’t a bit surprised as their path led up to his stargazing nest. She hadn’t seen the watchtower ruins in daylight, and it clearly held powerful reminiscence for her. The all-encompassing view was stunning in its own right, giving the impression that one could see all of England from this perch. One could feel all the promise of creation here—the fields, the forests, the beasts, even the puffs of smoke from distant factories, all of it lay at one’s feet.

  Without the benefit of blankets, the stone slabs were unforgiving. He removed his coat and laid it down for her to sit on, despite her protests.

  “Well then, you must at least share it with me!” she insisted. “I cannot sit on your coat while you suffer the chill of this stone, especially when there’s plenty of room for you here.”

  That, he could do. He’d been a cad and an ass, and he wouldn’t impose upon her weakness or her kindness. He could stifle his body’s perverse reactions and just sit with her, if that was what she wanted. They talked of nothing important—changes in the landscape, new and old residents of Marksby, sheep and other cattle whose antics she didn’t seem to tire of. She nestled closer to him and rested her head back against his chest. When she began to shiver, he had nothing else to shelter her with but himself. He wrapped his arms loosely around her shoulders as they both slipped into a companionable silence.

  “I should get you home,” he said, after a few moments. “You must be cold.”

  “No,” she replied in a low but firm voice. “No, I’m not cold at all.”

  “But you’re trembling. I’ve kept you out here far too long.”

  “No,” she whispered again. “That’s not why I’m shaking.”

  The odd tone of her voice—That’s not why I’m shaking—puzzled him. When she turned to meet his gaze, the intense expression on her face brought every inch of him to attention. A light in her eyes bespoke not just affection but need. A need that echoed and amplified the very same complicated yearning he’d been trying to suppress. He couldn’t tell who initiated the kiss this time, but when their lips met, he was engulfed in the glorious sensations of her lips, her eyelashes brushing his cheek, her scent, her quickened breathing barely audible. The luxury of these sensations teased at his mind, a siren’s song luring him away from good sense. He wanted her with desire so intense, so severe, that he couldn’t make himself release her. If she hesitated, if she pulled away, he would honor her wishes, but he couldn’t be the one to break their connection, wherever it led.

  His arms around her were gentle but firm and warm, as were his lips. To Helena, this moment felt inevitable. Daniel had just held her, uncaring of the hour or the passage of time. And she’d slowly realized how much she’d missed this closeness—this sense of compatibility and rightness—just as much as she’d missed more intimate physical relations. There was no pressure or escalation, not even when she’d laid her head on his chest, reveling in the moment. His hands had stayed lightly wrapped around her. She was not trapped or cornered; she could leave at any moment. He
r mind had stopped racing, as she felt his heartbeat. Her pulse slowed, along with her breathing. It was the most tranquil she’d felt years.

  And now her pulse was racing again. With absolute surety, she knew what she wanted—who she wanted—here and now. But the intensity of her feelings threatened to consume her.

  “What are you thinking?” she whispered, pulling away slightly, afraid to spoil this fragile peace.

  He tapped her chin, and she was reassured by the ardor she saw in them.

  “I’m thinking of the night we looked at the stars.” His fond look turned serious as he added, “I’m wondering if I’m destined to be Perseus, saving Andromeda from the monster, or Orion, relegated to a plaything of the gods and dying at the hand of his beloved Artemis.”

  She laughed at his somber admission. “I am neither a helpless maiden nor a virgin goddess. I haven’t been a virgin for quite some time.” She let her hands roam his chest and his massive arms. She felt, rather than heard, his muffled groan as the darkness of his expression transformed into heat. “You would compare favorably with both of those men, though. Strong, fearless, intelligent.”

  “Is this what you want?” he asked, pulling her against him, the feel of her soft body through the layers of her skirts tormenting him.

  Now was the time. She could end this. She knew that, if she said no, he would listen. More than that, he would accept her decision without question. Is this what you want? She closed her eyes and gauged her heart. She had to be clear.

  “Daniel,” she said, “I cannot promise you anything more than here and now.”

  “Agreed,” he responded, waiting patiently.

  “This is what I want,” she replied, shaken by her own vehemence. “I need this. Need you.”

  Even watching him close in upon her, she was surprised by the soft touch of his lips against her shoulder. She tilted her head to give him better access as he dotted kisses along her collarbone and up her neck. His hot breath tickled her ear as he whispered fiercely, “By gow, I need you too.”