Gorgeous Rotten Scoundrel

by Nina G. Jones

  And then, shit, it started to happen, the lump in my throat and the moisture in my eyes met their saturation point. I hoped the night sky would hide it, but I knew from the way the glow of the tiki torches casted on Heath's flawless face, that they would only make my tears glisten. When he sang the last note, I felt like the silence that followed shone a spotlight on my emotions. Even Josh was quiet, because that song does that to people when it's sung beautifully. Josh reached over for a beer from the cooler behind him which gave us a few seconds of privacy.

  "Are you okay?" Heath mouthed. I didn't want him to see me like this. I nodded and walked into the house, discreetly using the sleeve of my cardigan to wipe the tears away. I couldn't say anything because if I did, more tears would flow than just the two or three resting on my cheeks.

  I grabbed a water from the fridge and fuck, I heard Heath come in through the sliding doors.

  "You okay Sadie?"

  "Yup. Fine," but my throat was clogged with emotion, my nose stuffy. It was obvious I had been crying.

  "What's going on?" I couldn't take it: His concern, his kindness. I couldn't open up that side of myself to him. It wasn't safe for me to do so. I had already given him too much. "Sadie, you can talk to me." If there was anyone I knew who might understand, who might know what that absence is like, it would be him.

  "I'm fine. Just go. Leave me alone please." I'm such a bitch.

  He looked down and nodded and I think I truly saw what hurt feelings looked like on Heath's face. I never really thought he cared about anyone or anything other than himself. "Okay...Okay," he said under his breath. "We'll be outside whenever you're ready."

  "Thank you," I said, quietly. When he left, I clenched the edge of the counter, my heart ached and not just from the emotions of a song I hold so closely to my heart, but because of Heath's reaction to my tears. We have to tread lightly. I reminded myself.

  ***

  I lay in bed, trying to think of anything but Heath's face when he sang so passionately, but any stray thought wouldn't last for more than a few seconds. After the crying incident, I hung out with the fellas for another hour or so, and acted all fine and dandy, as if Heath didn't see my tears. Eventually, I retreated to bed. I was tired from the early wakeup and I wanted to let them have some bro-bonding time.

  But my heart ached, it ached and I couldn't exactly identify why. I think it was because I was angry with myself. After Kenneth, I nearly swore off all men, and dated Velveeta exclusively. I vowed only to consider the squarest, nicest guys. A guy that would really appreciate what he had. But I was never interested in that type. Shit, even Brock was a little too dull for my tastes. I tried to armchair diagnose myself as I lay there: it must be abandonment issues because of my parents. But, there had to be some guy out there who was attractive, interesting, funny, exciting, and loyal? Is that really too much to ask? My heart jumped in panic. Maybe they were already all taken. Maybe the last one was married off over a year ago and now the world was full of dull, flavorless squares, and hot guys who pushed your buttons.

  I must have worn myself out with all this deep thinking, because I dozed off and I dozed off hard. I didn't hear my bedroom door open, or the sound of crutches against the floor. What woke me up was the feeling of warmth against my back, a tender hand on my hip and of Heath's lips grazing my ear as he whispered: "I want you." For a fraction of a second, I thought it was another one of my dreams, the ones I had been having all week when I was in NYC. In my hazy half-awake, half-asleep state, the sound of his voice, his smell, his touch, it all had a dream-like quality, but it wasn't a dream. This felt so much better than a dream. Sometimes I would touch myself in this state of being, just before falling asleep or when turning over in bed, when a sudden urge overtook me that was not of the conscious mind. Everything felt so light, so otherworldly, every touch hypersensitive as the sleep hormones cloaked a soft haze over the intensity of my own touch. And now Heath was here, next to me, during this very rare twilight of the mind, and it felt even better than when I touched myself. My heart still ached, and I wanted to make the ache stop, and I knew he could do that. I didn't say anything and I didn't go through my normal ethical debate; if I did, it would fully wake me up and I would lose the feeling of limbo. Just this last time. This is too rare to pass up.

  I slowly arched my hips to him, to let him know I consented, but that was all he would get from me. I wouldn't say a word, I wasn't going to think. I just wanted to be one body intertwined with another.

  "I want you baby," he said again. And this time, it didn't feel angry or defiant, it was something else, I didn't let my thoughts wander to what that would be.

  His hardness rubbed against my back as he glided his hands over my cotton slip, playing with my nipples through the fabric that provided a soft barrier for his firm touch. His face hovered over mine as he propped on his elbow, his hand slipped underneath me, cupping my cheek. Using a slight turn of the wrists, he pushed my face towards his so that the corner of my mouth reached his and he tugged on my lips, and then he peppered my neck and shoulders with lush kisses.

  "Your skin is so soft. Your smell...nothing smells better than you. Nothing tastes better than you." He snaked his hips back and forth against my behind. I felt for the hem of my nightie and pulled it up to my waist so that the only barrier between him and me were his boxers. I reached to feel for his smooth, hard phallus...I just wanted him in me, the feeling of his cock inside me as I tightened around would be the only thing to make the ache stop. He took my hand and guided it to my clit. "Touch yourself and I'll take care of the rest, baby." He called me baby again.

  And I did what he told me to, under the lavender hue of my dream-like state, I rubbed my clit as he pushed himself inside of me slowly, so that I could appreciate every inch of his generous firmness. My nipples hardened to the point where just the soft cotton rubbing against them was its own form of foreplay. He tilted my face up further so that it would be close to his, kissing and sucking, some of which I knew would leave marks, but I didn't care. I felt like he wanted to swallow me the way I wanted to swallow him and it made me feel less alone. The ache had disappeared, now all I could feel was him inside of me and I wanted more of him inside of me, but there was never enough. There never would be enough because every time I got another bit of him, I wanted even more.

  With every thrust into me I pushed my hips back towards him so that we would collide together. My thighs quivered each time, and he squeezed them vigorously, causing a sharp jolt of pain. The pain was good, it made me believe he might ache the way I had been aching.

  His moans might have been the most beautiful song I had heard that day. And I felt myself coming both from inside where his cock rubbed against me, and on the outside, where I touched myself. The dreamy state made me feel as though he and I were floating away and I uttered the only thing I would say to him that night during our intertwining: "Hold onto me, don't let go."

  "I've got you," he said to me. He gripped my face tighter, his other hand traveled up my thigh and wrapped around me, keeping me close so that I felt grounded to him. I could feel my insides clenching around him, and my clit electrifying, and I sharply tilted my head back and arched my spine. Heath knew what that meant, and he covered my mouth to muffle the groans and the cries. My entire body felt like it had exploded into a million little stars. And as those millions of little particles of stardust floated back down to earth, I recognized Heath's moans becoming more labored and the way he pressed his lips against the nape of my neck. I wanted to be there for him too and I reached for his head behind me grasping for tendrils of his golden silk and crossed my other arm to meet his hand which was still gripping me tightly. And he shuddered when he came, his body quaking against mine, stifling his groans of ecstasy into my neck.

  This was okay, because it wasn't real. I could tell myself it was a dream happening in some other dimension, a place where reverie, fantasy, and deep desires floated out of reach to live in the stars somewhere. This didn't
really happen, not this tenderness, not this closeness. Those people weren't Heath and Sadie, they where phantoms.

  "You should go back to your bed," I said, with my back still turned to him. Now I was awake and this was real. We were Heath and Sadie. And we were not a thing.

  I felt his breath hitch and the subtle caress of his head nodding. He slipped out as quietly as he could.

  And the ache set in again.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  I woke up at the ass crack of dawn the next morning. Even though I knew he would likely go out with Josh for lunch, I did my duty of setting up a nice breakfast buffet that would serve as enough food for dinner too if they so pleased. I left everything nicely presented: some omelets on the warmer, and fruits displayed in a circular formation. I timed the coffee machine for the time I knew Heath woke up every morning, and then I made my escape. I needed air: air that didn't have his delicious scent wafting in it. I needed a view that didn't consist of his impeccable features. I needed room: a room I could enter that didn't give me flashbacks of our intense fuck sessions; by now, we had nearly done something in every room of that house. Only my bathroom was safe, but that's the place I used to touch myself when I thought of him, so even that room stifled me.

  I left a handwritten note on the table. He was still my boss after all, I couldn't just vanish:

  Heath,

  Left to go run errands. Made plenty of food for you and Josh. Hope you both have a great day. Call me if you need anything.

  - Sadie

  I hoped that would prevent one of his check-in texts and buy me time until mid-evening.

  I had no solid plans, I knew no one other than Illy besides Heath around these parts, and I would rather stick a flaming screwdriver in my eye than reach out to that wench. So, I found the local library, borrowed a couple of books, and headed to the beach, wearing the same emerald string bikini I wore when he ravaged me from behind in the kitchen. I was becoming pathetic: I wore it because the fabric against my flesh brought me back to the feelings of that day. Here I was, exiling myself from the home that kept us so close, feigning some great escape, but even after doing all this, I had to bring one little piece of him with me.

  I enjoyed myself as best I could, engrossing my thoughts into the book in front of me when I heard a voice: "That's a great book."

  I looked up, my eyes took a second to adjust to the blinding sun, and when they did, I saw a dark-haired guy standing over me.

  "Oh, I hope so, just started." Really, I had started about an hour and a half ago but struggled to get past the first three pages. I kept reading paragraphs over and over again because my mind was elsewhere.

  "Well, keep plugging along, it's a page turner."

  "Thanks."

  He turned to walk away, but then stopped mid-stride and turned bashfully. "Are you alone? A couple of my buddies and their girlfriends are over there if you want to join us."

  Now, his features had begun to register and he was really good looking. Think dark shiny hair, brown eyes, great jawline, about 5'10" or so. He was polite, and based on his earlier comment, I assumed well-read as well. I should jump on this guy and dry hump his leg, but all I felt was meh.

  Meh? Meh! This was not me, it was like Heath was ruining my pussy for all other men.

  My first instinct was to say no, as was the case with my general distrust of humans with penises, but then I thought aloud: "Sure." Why the hell not? I wasn't married. Hell, I wasn't in a relationship of any sort. Why not take up this very pleasant-looking man up on his offer to entertain me? The group of people ended up being nice enough and a nice reminder that the world didn't consist of only Heath, though he stayed ever present in the back of my mind. I couldn't help but glance at the phone every hour, wondering why he hadn't reached out, and if he wanted to, but had chosen to go silent after I kicked him out of the bed last night.

  "I should go," I said at about seven. The sun was a couple of hours from completely setting, but swirls of orange and pink seeped into the clear blue sky.

  I grabbed my tote and towel, lurching my way up from the sand, when Mark, the guy who invited me over, offered me his hand and I accepted.

  "It was really nice meeting you. Can I walk you to your car?"

  "Uh...okay." I wasn't used to this chivalry.

  I'm not going to lie, I felt a little awkward. I knew where this was headed, and despite the hours I had spent with Mark and his friends, my mind was still battling with every neuron to be present. "I'd like to hang out with you again. If that's okay."

  "Sure." He was nice and he was good-looking. I had to prove to myself that I wasn't somehow stupidly saving myself for Heath so we exchanged numbers. "See you soon," I said, eager to return home.

  ***

  I was surprised to see Josh loading the back of a Town Car as I arrived.

  "Hey," I said as I stepped out of my car. "Are you leaving already? I thought you were here for one more day."

  "No, I leave tomorrow night. Heath wanted to go to a hotel, I guess he's a fan of it and wanted to show me around."

  This was not in the plans. Heath and I had become a well-oiled machine. He should have asked me to book the hotel and he would have let me know he wouldn't be around this evening. Something was up.

  I entered the house, dropping my tote on the entry table. Heath was walking into the living room on his crutches.

  "Hey..." I said in a questioning tone.

  "Hey," he said without stopping.

  "You didn't tell me you were going somewhere."

  He stopped his stride. "Yup. I am. I didn't know I needed to tell you where I was going." He started up again.

  "Well it's just that--"

  "Just that what?"

  "I, uh...usually you tell me your plans."

  "Well I just did. So are we good? Can you hold the fort down for one day?" He asked sarcastically. Asshole.

  "Yeah. Will you need me to pick you up from the hotel? I assume Josh is leaving from there."

  "I'll get a car service."

  Within seconds and I heard the car door slam, and the car driving away on gravel.

  Was he hurt? That wasn't possible. That would require human emotions. That would mean that he cared about something beyond sex. And yet, he had never acted like this before. We threw our punches and we threw them freely, unabashedly so, but I don't think I'd had ever seen him like this. I couldn't be imagining that this was personal.

  I realized after a few minutes that I hadn't moved from the spot where I stood since he left and I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Then I did what I felt I had to do, because what I wanted to do was call Heath and make him explain what was on his mind. I needed to focus that energy somewhere. Heath was used to women begging for him. I would not be that woman. I shot a text:

  Sadie:

  Hi Mark? What are you doing tomorrow?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Mark took me to Beau Marchais the next evening, and it was clear this was a date. The place had the nice white tablecloths, a French-inspired menu, and mood lighting. It was just the right amount of stuffy, without being over the top. Good taste.

  Mark was ever the gentleman, exiting the car to open the door for me, and pulling out my chair for me to have a seat. I wore a red sundress with cap sleeves that stopped right at my kneecaps. Perfectly ladylike, belying my behavior during the greater part of this summer.

  The conversation was pleasant. Mark was a hedge fund manager, blah blah blah. It was all very appropriate, and nice, and he seemed like a gem of a guy. And yet, while he was all the things I should have been able to check off my list and scream: bingo! Something was off. Something was missing. That was my problem and I knew it: I never gave the right guys enough time to grow on me. So while he wouldn't be getting a kiss tonight, I thought we could see each other a few more times and let things move really slowly, unlike the way things had moved with Heath.

  He drove me back to the house and walked me to the front door of Heath's place.
I had a feeling he expected something, but I didn't want to lead him on. I wanted to make sure I felt something before I kissed him.

  "I had a great time tonight Sadie. I have to tell you again, you look beautiful."

  "Thank you. And thank you so much for dinner. You have to let me get the tab next time." He smiled, I think because I had just confirmed we would be seeing each other again. His teeth were really, really sparkly under the floodlight. Almost artificially so.

  "Never." Ever the gentleman.

  "Well, goodnight." And before he could lean in for a kiss: "Listen, Mark, I want to take things slowly."

  "Of course. No rush, let's just get to know each other."

  "Okay, well I'll see you soon then?" And we hugged stiffly as we tried to figure out how we fit against each other's bodies. On the way back to his cherry-colored classic convertible, he looked back at me, his strong jawline prominently jutting at this angle, and smiled.

  I felt perfectly pleasant, proper, and ladylike. This is how one is supposed to feel after a date. I glanced down at my phone, it was a little after nine, not too shabby, a perfectly ladylike time to return home after a first date. Furthermore, there were no bodily fluids exchanged, and so, I was feeling quite proud of myself.

  I glided into the entryway, which had a direct view into the kitchen and was surprised to see Heath was already home, rummaging through some leftovers using only one crutch and no moon boots. Stubborn bastard.

  "Hi, I didn't expect you to be home yet," I said, matter-of-factly.

  He was mid bite and stopped. "Yeah, I just dropped off Josh."