After recalling this incident, John was able to see the irrationality of his reaction to the comments he had overheard in the hall. His mother’s bitterness, and the emptiness she felt, were a natural part of the grieving process that any parent goes through when a child dies. Her comments had nothing to do with John, but only with her temporary depression and despair.
Putting this memory into a new perspective helped John see how illogical and self-defeating it was to link his worth to the opinions of others. Perhaps you too are beginning to see that your belief in the importance of external approval is highly unrealistic. Ultimately you, and only you, can make yourself consistently happy. No one else can. Now, let’s review some simple steps that you can take to put these principles into practice so you can transform your desire for self-esteem and self-respect into an emotional reality.
The Path to Independence and Self-Respect
Cost-Benefit Analysis. The first step in overcoming your belief in any of the self-defeating assumptions from the DAS test is to perform a cost-benefit analysis. Ask yourself, what are the advantages and disadvantages of telling myself that disapproval makes me less worthwhile? After listing all the ways this attitude hurts you and helps you, you will be in a position to make an enlightened decision to develop a healthier value system.
For example, a thirty-three-year-old married woman named Susan found she was overly involved with church and community activities because she was a responsible and capable worker and was frequently selected for various committees. She felt enormously pleased every time she was chosen for a new job and she feared saying no to any request because that would mean risking someone’s disapproval. Because she was terrified about letting people down, she became more and more addicted to the cycle of giving up her own interests and desires in order to please others.
The DAS test and the “Vertical Arrow Technique” described in the previous chapter revealed one of her silent assumptions to be: “I must always do what people expect me to do.” She seemed reluctant to give up this belief, so she performed a cost-benefit analysis (Figure 11–1). Because the disadvantages of her approval addiction greatly outweighed the advantages, she became much more open to changing her personal philosophy. Try this simple technique with regard to one of your self-defeating assumptions about disapproval. It can be an important first step to personal growth.
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Figure 11–1. The Cost-Benefit Method for Evaluating “Silent Assumptions.” ASSUMPTION: “I must always do what people expect me to do.”
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Rewrite the Assumption. If, based on your cost-benefit analysis, you see that your fear of disapproval hurts you more than it helps, the second step is to rewrite your silent assumption so that it becomes more realistic and more self-enhancing (you can do this with any of the 35 attitudes on the DAS test that represent areas of psychological vulnerability for you). In the above example, Susan decided to revise her belief as follows: “It can be enjoyable to have someone approve of me, but I don’t need approval in order to be a worthwhile person or to respect myself. Disapproval can be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t mean I’m less of a person.”
The Self-Respect Blueprint. As a third step it might help you to write a brief essay entitled “Why It Is Irrational and Unnecessary to Live in Fear of Disapproval or Criticism.” This can be your personal blueprint for achieving greater self-reliance and autonomy. Prepare a list of all the reasons why disapproval is unpleasant but not fatal. A few have already been mentioned in this chapter, and you might review them before you begin to write. In your essay include only what seems convincing and helpful to you. Make sure you believe each argument you write down so your new sense of independence will be realistic. Don’t rationalize! For example, the statement, “If someone disapproves of me, I don’t need to get upset because they’re really not the kind of person I’d care to have as a friend,” won’t work because it’s a distortion. You are trying to preserve your self-esteem by writing the other person off as no good. Stick with what you know to be the truth.
As new ideas come to you, add them to your list. Read it over every morning for several weeks. This might be a first step in helping you trim other people’s negative opinions and comments about you down to life-size.
Here are a few ideas that have worked well for a lot of people. You might use some of them in your own essay.
1. Remember that when someone reacts negatively to you, it may be his or her irrational thinking that is at the heart of the disapproval.
2. If the criticism is valid, this need not destroy you. You can pinpoint your error and take steps to correct it. You can learn from your mistakes, and you don’t have to be ashamed of them. If you are human, then you should and must make mistakes at times.
3. If you have goofed up, it does not follow that you are a BORN LOSER. It is impossible to be wrong all the time or even most of the time. Think about the thousands of things you have done right in your life! Furthermore, you can change and grow.
4. Other people cannot judge your worth as a human being, only the validity or merit of specific things you do or say.
5. Everyone will judge you differently no matter how well you do or how badly you might behave. Disapproval cannot spread like wildfire, and one rejection cannot lead to a never-ending series of rejections. So even if worse comes to worst and you do get rejected by someone, you can’t end up totally alone.
6. Disapproval and criticism are usually uncomfortable, but the discomfort will pass. Stop moping. Get involved in an activity you’ve enjoyed in the past even though you feel certain it’s absolutely pointless to start.
7. Criticism and disapproval can upset you only to the extent that you “buy into” the accusations being brought against you.
8. Disapproval is rarely permanent. It doesn’t follow that your relationship with the person who disapproves of you will necessarily end just because you are being criticized. Arguments are a part of living, and in the majority of cases you can come to a common understanding later on.
9. If you are criticizing someone else, it doesn’t make that person totally bad. Why give another individual the power and right to judge you? We’re all just human beings, not Supreme Court justices. Don’t magnify other people until they are larger than life.
Can you come up with some additional ideas? Think about this topic over the next few days. Jot your ideas down on a piece of paper. Develop your own philosophy about disapproval. You’ll be surprised to find how much this can help you change your perspective and enhance your sense of independence.
Verbal Techniques. In addition to learning to think differently about disapproval, it can be a lot of help to learn to behave differently toward individuals who express disapproval. As a first step, review the assertive methods such as the disarming technique presented in Chapter 6. Now we will discuss some additional approaches to help you build your skills in coping with disapproval.
First of all, if you fear someone’s disapproval, have you ever thought of asking the person if he or she, in fact, does look down on you? You might be pleasantly surprised to learn that the disapproval existed only in your head. Although it requires some courage, the payoff can be tremendous.
Remember Art, the psychiatrist described in Chapter 6, who was receiving training at the University of Pennsylvania? Art had no suspicion that a particular patient of his might be suicidal. The patient had no history or symptoms of depression, but felt hopelessly trapped in an intolerable marriage. Art received a call one morning that his patient had been found dead with a bullet hole through his head. Although the suspicion of homicide was raised, the probable cause of death was suicide. Art had never lost a patient in this way. His reaction included sadness, because of his fondness for this particular patient, and anxiety, for fear that his supervisor and peers would disapprove of him and look down on him for his “mistake” and lack of foresight. After discussing the death with his supervisor, he asked frankly, “Do you feel I have let you down?�
�� His supervisor’s response conveyed a sense of warmth and empathy, not rejection. Art was relieved when his supervisor told him that he too had experienced a similar disappointment in the past. He emphasized that this was an opportunity for Art to learn to cope with one of the professional hazards of being a psychiatrist. By discussing the case and refusing to give in to his fear of disapproval, Art learned that he had made an “error”—he had overlooked the fact that a feeling of “hopelessness” can lead to suicide in individuals who are not clinically depressed. But he also learned that others did not demand perfection of him, and that he wasn’t expected to guarantee a successful outcome for any patient.
Suppose it had not turned out so well and his supervisor or peers had condemned him for being thoughtless or incompetent. What then? The worst possible outcome would have been rejection. Let’s talk about some strategies for coping with the worst conceivable eventuality.
Refection Is Never Your Fault! Aside from bodily injury or a destruction of your assets, the greatest pain a person can try to inflict on you is through rejection. This threat is the source of your fear when you are being “put down.”
There are several types of rejection. The most common and obvious is called “adolescent rejection,” although it is not limited to the adolescent age-group. Suppose you have a romantic interest in someone you are dating or have met, and it turns out you’re not his or her cup of tea. Perhaps it’s your looks, race, religion, or personality style that are the problem. Or maybe you are too tall, short, fat, thin, old, young, smart, dull, aggressive, passive, etc. Since you don’t fit that person’s mental image of an ideal mate closely enough, he or she rebuffs your advances and gives you the cold shoulder.
Is this your fault? Obviously not! The individual is simply turning you down because of subjective preferences and tastes. One person may like apple pie better than cherry pie. Does this mean that cherry pie is inherently undesirable? Romantic interests are almost infinitely variable. If you are one of those toothpaste-commercial types who is blessed with what our culture defines as “good looks” and an appealing personality, it will be much easier for you to attract potential dates and mates. But you will learn this mutual attraction is a far cry from developing a loving permanent relationship, and even the beautiful and handsome types will have to cope with rejection sometimes. No one can turn on each and every person they meet.
If you are only average or below average in appearance and personality, you will have to work harder initially to attract people, and you may have to cope with more frequent turndowns. You will have to develop your social skills and master some powerful secrets of making people feel attracted to you. These are: (1) Don’t sell yourself short by looking down on yourself. Refuse to persecute yourself. Boost your self-esteem to the hilt with the methods outlined in Chapter 4. If you love yourself, people will respond to this sense of joy you radiate and want to be close to you. (2) Express genuine compliments to people. Instead of waiting around nervously to find out if they will like you or reject you, like them first and let them know about it. (3) Show an interest in other people by learning about what turns them on. Get them to talk about what excites them most, and respond to their comments in an upbeat manner.
If you persevere along these lines, you will eventually discover there are people who find you attractive, and you in turn will discover you have a great capacity for happiness. Adolescent rejection is an uncomfortable nuisance, but it’s not the end of the world and it’s not your fault.
“Ah ha!” you retort. “But how about the situation where a lot of people reject you because you turn them off with your abrasive mannerisms? Suppose you’re conceited and self-centered. Certainly that’s your fault, isn’t it?” This is a second type of rejection, which I call “angry rejection.” Again, I think you will see that it’s not your fault if you are angrily rejected because of a personal fault.
In the first place, other people aren’t obliged to reject you just because they find things about you they don’t like—they have other options. They can be assertive and point out what they don’t like about your behavior, or they can learn not to let it bother them so much. Of course, they have the right to avoid and reject you if they want, and they are free to choose any friends they prefer. But this doesn’t mean that you are an inherently “bad” human being, and it is definitely not the case that everyone will react to you in the same negative way. You will experience a spontaneous chemistry with some people, whereas you will tend to clash with others. This is no one’s fault, it’s just a fact of life.
If you have a personality quirk that alienates more people than you would like—such as being excessively critical or losing your temper frequently—it would definitely be to your advantage to modify your style. But it’s ridiculous to blame yourself if someone rejects you based on this imperfection. We’re all imperfect, and your tendency to fault yourself—or to “buy into” the hostility that someone else directs at you—is self-defeating and pointless.
The third type of rejection is “manipulative rejection.” In this case the other person uses the threat of withdrawal or rejection to manipulate you in some way. Unhappy spouses, and even frustrated psychotherapists, sometimes resort to this ploy to coerce you into changing. The formula goes like this: “Either you do such and such or we’re all through!” This is a highly irrational and usually self-defeating way of trying to influence people. Such manipulative rejection is simply a culturally taught coping pattern, and it is usually ineffective. It rarely leads to an enhanced relationship because it generates tension and resentment. What it really indicates is a low frustration tolerance and poor interpersonal skills on the part of the individual making the threat. It certainly isn’t your fault that they do this, and it usually isn’t to your advantage to let yourself be manipulated this way.
So much for the theoretical aspects. Now, what can you say and do when you are actually getting rejected? One effective way to learn is to use role-playing. To make the dialogue more entertaining and challenging, I will play the role of the rejector and confront you with the worst things about you I can think of. Since I’m acting caustic and insulting, begin by asking if I am in fact rejecting you because of the way I’ve been treating you lately:
YOU:
Dr. Bums, I notice you’ve been acting somewhat cool and distant. You seem to be avoiding me. When I try to talk to you, you either ignore me or snap at me. I wonder if you’re upset with me or if you’ve had thoughts of rejecting me.
Comment: You don’t accuse me initially of rejecting you. That would put me on the defensive. Furthermore, I might not be rejecting you—I might be upset about the fact that nobody’s buying my book, so I’m just generally irritable. Just for practice, let’s assume the worst—that I am trying to dump you.
DAVID:
I’m glad we got it out in the open. I have in fact decided to reject you.
YOU:
Why? Apparently I’ve been turning you off a lot.
DAVID:
You’re a no-good piece of rot.
YOU:
I can see you’re upset with me. Just what have I been doing wrong?
Comment: You avoid defending yourself. Since you know you are not a “piece of rot,” there’s no point in insisting to me that you’re not. It will just fire me up more, and our dialogue will quickly deteriorate into a shouting match. (This “empathy method” was presented in detail in Chapter 6.)
DAVID:
Everything about you stinks.
YOU:
Can you be specific? Did I forget to use deodorant? Are you upset by the way I talk, something I’ve said lately, my clothes, or what?
Comment: Again, you resist getting sucked into an argument. By urging me to pinpoint what I dislike about you, you are forcing me to fire my best shot and say something meaningful or end up looking like an ass.
DAVID:
Well, you hurt my feelings when you put me down the other day. You don’t give a damn about me. I’m
just a “thing” to you, not a human being.
Comment: This is a common criticism. It tips you off that the rejector basically cares for you, but feels deprived and fears losing you. The rejector decides to lash out at you to protect his shaky self-esteem. The rejector might also say you’re too stupid, too fat, too selfish, etc. Whatever the nature of the criticism, your strategy is now twofold: (a) Find some grain of truth in the criticism and let the rejector know you agree in part (see the “disarming technique,” Chapter 6); (b) apologize or offer to try to correct any actual error you actually did make (see “feedback and negotiation,” Chapter 6).
YOU:
I’m really sorry I said something that rubbed you the wrong way. What was it?
DAVID:
You told me I was a no-good jerk. So I’ve had it with you—this is the end.
YOU:
I can see that was a thoughtless, hurtful comment I made. What other things have I said that hurt your feelings? Was that all? Or have I done this many times? Go ahead and say all the bad things you think about me.
DAVID:
You’re unpredictable. You can be sweet as sugar, and then all of a sudden you’re cutting me to shreds with your sharp tongue. When you get mad, you turn into a foul-mouthed pig. I can’t stand you, and I can’t see how anyone else puts up with you. You’re arrogant and cocky, and don’t give a damn about anyone but yourself. You’re a selfish snot, and it’s time you woke up and learned the hard way. I’m sorry I’ve got to be the one to put you down, but it’s the only way you’re going to learn. You have no real feelings for anyone but yourself, and we’re through for good!
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Page 26