YOU:
Well, I can see there are numerous problems in our relationship we’ve never looked at, and it sounds like I’ve really been missing the boat. I can see that I have been acting irritable and thoughtless. I can see how unpleasant I’ve been and how uncomfortable it’s been for you. Tell me more about this side of me.
Comment: You then continue to extract negative comments from the rejector. Avoid being defensive and continue to find some grain of truth in what the rejector says. After you have elicited all the criticisms and agreed with whatever was true about them, you are ready to fire the sharpest arrow straight into the rejector’s balloon. Point out that you have acknowledged your imperfections and that you are willing to try to correct your errors. Then ask the rejector why he is rejecting you. This maneuver will help you see why rejection is never your fault! You are responsible for your errors, and you will assume responsibility for trying to correct them. But if someone rejects you for your imperfections, that’s their goofiness, not yours! Here’s how this works.
YOU:
I can see I’ve done and said a number of things you don’t like. I’m certainly willing to try to correct these problems to the greatest extent possible. I can’t promise miracles, but if we work at it together, I see no reason why things can’t improve. Just by talking this way, our communications are already better. So why are you going to reject me?
DAVID:
Because you infuriate me.
YOU:
Well, sometimes differences come up between people, but I don’t see that this has to destroy our relationship. Are you rejecting me because you feel infuriated or what?
DAVID:
You’re a no-good bum, and I refuse to talk to you again.
YOU:
I’m sorry you feel that way. I’d much prefer to continue our friendship in spite of these hurt feelings. Do we need to break off entirely? Maybe this discussion was just what we needed to understand each other better. I don’t really know why you’ve decided to reject me. Can you tell me why?
DAVID:
Oh, no! I’m not being tricked by you. You goofed up once too often, and that’s it! No second chances! Good-bye!
Comment: Now whose goofy behavior is this? Yours or the one who is rejecting you? Whose fault is it that the rejection occurs? After all, you offer to try to correct your errors and to improve the relationship through frank communication and compromise. So how can you be blamed for the rejection? Obviously you can’t.
Using the above approach may not prevent all actual rejections, but you will enhance the probability of a positive outcome sooner or later.
Recovering from Disapproval or Rejection. You actually have been disapproved of or rejected in spite of your efforts to improve the relationship with the other person. How can you most quickly overcome the emotional upset you understandably feel? First, you must realize that life goes on, so this particular disappointment need not impair the quality of your happiness forever. Following the rejection or disapproval it will be your thoughts which are doing the emotional damage, and if you fight these thoughts and stubbornly refuse to give in to distorted self-abuse, the upset will pass.
One method which might be quite helpful is one that has aided people who experience prolonged grief reactions following the loss of a loved one. If bereaved individuals schedule periods each day to allow themselves to be flooded by the painful memories and thoughts of the deceased loved one, this can accelerate and complete the grieving process. If you do this when you are alone, it will be most helpful. Sympathy from another person often backfires; some studies have reported that it prolongs the painful period of mourning.
You can use this “grieving” method to cope with rejection or disapproval. Schedule one or more periods of time each day—five to ten minutes are probably enough—to think all the sad, angry, and despairing thoughts you want. If you feel sad, cry. If you feel mad, pound a pillow. Keep flooding yourself with painful memories and thoughts for the full time period you have set aside. Bitch, moan and complain nonstop! When your scheduled sad period is over, STOP IT and carry on with life until your next scheduled cry session. In the meantime, if you have negative thoughts, write them down, pinpoint the distortions, and substitute rational responses as outlined in previous chapters. You may find this will help you gain partial control over your disappointment and hasten your return to full self-esteem more quickly than you anticipated.
Turning on the “Inner Light”
The key to emotional enlightenment is the knowledge that only your thoughts can affect your moods. If you are an approval addict, you are in the bad habit of flicking your inner switch only when someone else shines their light on you first. And you mistakenly confuse their approval with your own self-approval because the two occur almost simultaneously. You mistakenly conclude that the other person has made you feel good! The fact that you do at times enjoy praise and compliments proves that you know how to approve of yourself! But if you are an approval addict, you have developed the self-defeating habit of endorsing yourself only when someone you respect approves of you first.
Here’s a simple way to break that habit. Obtain the wrist counter described in earlier chapters and wear it for at least two or three weeks. Every day try to notice positive things about yourself—things you do well whether or not you get an external reward. Each time you do something you approve of, click the counter. For example, if you smile warmly at an associate one morning, click whether he scowls or smiles back. If you make that phone call you were putting off—click the counter! You can “endorse” yourself for big or trivial things. You can even click it if you remember positive things you did in the past. For example, you might recall the day you got your driver’s license or your first job. Click the counter whether or not you have a positive emotional arousal. Initially you may have to force yourself to notice good things about yourself, and it may seem mechanical. Persist anyway because after several days I think you will notice that the inner light is beginning to glow—dimly at first and then more brightly. Every night look at the digits on the counter and record the total number of personal endorsements on your daily log. After two or three weeks, I suspect you will begin to learn the art of self-respect, and you will feel much better about yourself. This simple procedure can be a big first step toward achieving independence and self-approval. It sounds easy—and it is. It’s surprisingly powerful, and the rewards will be well worth the small amount of time and effort involved.
Chapter 12
The Love Addiction
The “silent assumption” which often goes hand in hand with the fear of disapproval is “I cannot be a truly happy and fulfilled human being unless I am loved by a member of the opposite sex. True love is necessary for ultimate happiness.”
The demand or need for love before you can feel happy is called “dependency.” Dependency means that you are unable to assume responsibility for your emotional life.
The Disadvantages of Being a Love Junkie. Is being loved an absolute necessity or a desirable option?
Roberta is a thirty-three-year-old single woman who moped around her apartment evenings and weekends because she told herself, “It’s a couple’s world. Without a man I am nothing.” She came to my office attractively groomed, but her comments were bitter. She was brimming with resentment because she was sure that being loved was as crucial as the oxygen she breathed. However, she was so needy and greedy that this tended to drive people away.
I suggested that she start by preparing a list of the advantages and disadvantages of believing that “without a man (or woman) I am nothing.” The disadvantages on Roberta’s list were clear-cut: “(1) This belief makes me despondent since I have no lover. (2) Furthermore, it takes away any incentive I might have to do things and go places. (3) It makes me feel lazy. (4) It brings on a sense of self-pity. (5) It robs me of self-pride and confidence, and makes me envious of others and bitter. (6) Finally, it brings on self-destructive feelings and a terrible fear of be
ing alone.”
Then she listed what she thought were the advantages of believing that being loved was an absolute necessity for happiness: “(1) This belief will bring me a companion, love, and security. (2) It will give purpose to my life and a reason to live. (3) It will give me events to look forward to.” These advantages reflected Roberta’s belief that telling herself she couldn’t live without a man would somehow bring a companion into her life.
Were these advantages real or imaginary? Although Roberta had believed for many years that she couldn’t exist without a man, this attitude still hadn’t brought a desirable mate. She admitted that making men so totally important in her life was not the magic charm that would bring one to her doorstep. She acknowledged that clinging and dependent individuals often demand so much attention from other people and appear so needy that they have great difficulty not only initially attracting people of the opposite sex but also maintaining an ongoing relationship. Roberta was able to grasp the idea that people who have found happiness within themselves are usually the most desirable to members of the opposite sex and become like magnets because they are at peace and generate a sense of joy. Ironically, it is usually the dependent woman, the “man-aholic,” who ends up alone.
This really isn’t so surprising. If you take the position you “need” someone else for a sense of worth, you broadcast the following: “Take me! I have no inherent worth! I can’t stand myself!” No wonder there are so few buyers! Of course, your unstated demand does not endear people to you either: “Since you’re obliged to love me, you’re rotten shit if you don’t.”
You may cling to your dependency because of the erroneous notion that if you do achieve independence, others will see you as a rejecting person and you will end up alone. If this is your fear, you are equating dependency with warmth. Nothing could be farther from the truth. If you are lonely and dependent, your anger and resentment stem from the fact that you feel deprived of the love you believe you are entitled to receive from others. This attitude drives you farther into isolation. If you are more independent, you are not obliged to be alone—you simply have the capacity to feel happy when you are alone. The more independent you are, the more secure you will be in your feelings. Furthermore, your moods will not go up and down at someone else’s mercy. After all, the amount of love that someone can feel for you is often quite unpredictable. They may not appreciate everything about you, and they may not act in an affectionate way all the time. If you are willing to learn to love yourself, you will have a far more dependable and continuous source of self-esteem.
The first step is to find out if you want independence. All of us have a much greater chance of achieving our goals if we understand what they are. It helped Roberta to realize that her dependency was condemning her to an empty existence. If you are still clinging to the notion that it is desirable to be “dependent,” list the advantages, using the double-column technique. Spell out how you benefit if you let love determine your personal worth. Then in order to assess the situation objectively, write down the counterarguments, or rational responses, in the right-hand column. You may learn that the advantages of your love addiction are partially or totally illusory. Figure 12–1 shows how a woman with a problem similar to Roberta’s assessed these issues. This written exercise motivated her to look within herself for what she had been seeking in others, and enabled her to see that her dependency was the real enemy because it incapacitated her.
Perceiving the Difference Between Loneliness and Being Alone. As you read the previous section you may have concluded that it would be to your advantage if you could learn to regulate your moods and find happiness within yourself. This would give you the capacity to feel as alive when you are alone as when you are with someone you love. But you may be thinking, “That all sounds well and good, Dr. Burns, but it is not realistic. The truth is that it is undeniably emotionally inferior to be alone. All my life I have known that love and happiness are identical, and all my friends agree. You can philosophize until you’re blue in the face. But when it comes down to the bottom line, love is where it’s at and being alone is a curse!”
* * *
Figure 12–1. An Analysis of the Presumed “Advantages” of Being a “Love Junkie.”
* * *
In fact, many people are convinced that love makes the world go around. You see this message in ads, you hear it in popular songs, you read it in poems.
You can however convincingly disprove your assumption that love is necessary before you can experience happiness. Let’s take a hard look at the equation, alone = lonely.
Consider, first, that we get many of life’s basic satisfactions by ourselves. For example, when you climb a mountain, pick a flower, read a book, or eat a hot fudge sundae, you do not require someone else’s company for these experiences to be enjoyable. A physician can enjoy the satisfaction of treating a patient whether or not he and the patient are involved in a meaningful personal relationship. When writing a book, an author is generally by himself or herself. As most students know, you do most of your learning when you are alone. The list of pleasures and satisfactions that you can enjoy when alone is endless.
This indicates that many sources of gratification are accessible to you whether or not you are with someone else. Can you add to that list? What are some pleasures that you can have alone? Do you ever listen to good music on your stereo? Do you enjoy gardening? Jogging? Carpentry? Hiking? A lonely bank teller named Janet, who was recently separated from her husband, enrolled in a creative dancing class and found (to her surprise) that she could derive enormous pleasure from practicing by herself at home. As she became caught up in the rhythm of the movements, she felt at peace with herself in spite of the fact that she had no one to love.
Perhaps you are thinking now, “Oh, Dr. Burns, is that your point? Well, it’s trivial!. Of course, I can experience temporary moments of mediocre distraction by doing things when I’m alone. This might take the edge off the blues, but those things are just some crumbs from the table that might keep me from starving totally. I want the banquet, the real thing! Love! True and complete happiness!”
That was exactly what Janet told me before she enrolled in the dancing class. Because she assumed it was miserable to be alone, it hadn’t occurred to her to do enjoyable things and care for herself during the separation from her husband. She had been living according to a double standard whereby if she was with her husband, she would go to great lengths to plan pleasurable activities, but when she was alone, she would simply mope and do very little. This pattern obviously functioned as a self-fulfilling prophecy, and she did in fact find it unpleasant to be alone. Why? Simply because she failed to treat herself in a caring way. It had never occurred to her to challenge her lifelong assumption that all her activities would be unsatisfactory unless she had someone to share them with. On another occasion, instead of heating a TV dinner after work, Janet decided to plan a special meal, just as if she were going to entertain a man she cared a lot about. She carefully prepared her dinner and set the table with candles. She began with a glass of fine wine. After dinner she read a good book and listened to her favorite music. To her amazement, she found the evening a total pleasure. The next day, which was Saturday, Janet decided to go to the art museum alone. She was surprised to discover that she got more enjoyment out of this excursion alone than she had in the past when dragging her reluctant and disinterested husband along.
As a result of adopting an active, compassionate attitude toward herself, Janet discovered for the first time in her life that she could not only make it on her own but could really enjoy herself.
As is so often the case, she began to generate an infectious joy of living that caused many individuals to feel attracted to her, and she began to date. In the meantime her husband began to get disillusioned with his girl friend and wanted his wife back. He noticed Janet was happy as a lark without him, and at this point the tables began to turn. After Janet told him she no longer wanted him back, he suff
ered a severe depression. She ultimately established a very satisfying relationship with another man and remarried. The key to her success was simple—as a first step, she proved that she could develop a relationship with herself. After this, the rest was easy.
The Pleasure-Predicting Method
I don’t expect you to rely on my word on this topic, or even on the reports of others like Janet who have learned how to experience the joys of self-reliance. Instead, I propose you perform a series of experiments, just as Janet did, to test out your belief that “being alone is a curse.” If you are willing to do this, you can arrive at the truth in an objective, scientific manner.
To help you, I have developed the “Pleasure-Predicting Sheet” shown in Figure 12–2. This form is divided into a series of columns in which you predict and record the actual amount of satisfaction you derive from various work and recreational activities you engage in when alone, as well as from those you share with other people. In the first column, record the date of each experiment. In the second column, write down several activities that you plan to do as a part of that day’s experiments. I suggest that you carry out a series of forty or fifty experiments over a two- to three-week period. Choose activities that would ordinarily give you a sense of accomplishment or pleasure, or which have the potential for learning or personal growth. In the third column, record who you do the activity with. If you do it alone, write “self” in this column. (This word will remind you that you are never really alone, since you are always with yourself!) In the fourth column, predict the satisfaction you think you will derive from this activity, estimating it on a scale of between 0 and 100 percent. The higher the number, the greater the anticipated satisfaction. Fill in the fourth column before you do each planned activity, not after!
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Page 27