by Cerise Noble
Why? Because I loved Jessica, who belonged to Roy. And I thought I loved Tobin before I knew what it would mean. My heart beat hard, every pulse echoed in the throb of my welts. My sobs gradually quieted. My skin hurt. My body ached.
Gently, Roy shifted back, his feet releasing mine, his hands pulling me upright. I turned and watched Tobin weep into his brother's chest. Gerard rubbed his back, murmuring all the things that big brothers do. He was the eldest, now. Jessica handed me a clean rag, and I sniffled into it, watching as tears tracked down Gerard's face. He had been grieving, over time. Tobin had buried it deep inside, had needed for something to lance the wound.
I had been that something. He had taken out his fear for me on my skin. I felt contentment, a pride that I had served him, even in my defiance. Perhaps even by my defiance.
That was an unusual thought.
The pain in my buttocks and thighs had long ago eclipsed the pain on my forearms. It sated me, filled up that part of me that craved it.
Gerard reached a big hand around his brother and caressed my cheek. "Thank you."
My eyebrows came together, and I watched Tobin's grief pour out. It was not unlike my own outpouring, not unlike the time I cut myself to relieve the terror of my assault. Just in reverse.
Roy caressed my shoulder, tucking me into his chest when I softened against him, needing the comfort and gentle touch. Jessica came also, stroking my shoulder and arm, pressing little kisses to my back. I relaxed into Roy's embrace.
When he was satisfied that I had recovered, he set me back and went to finish the fire. Darkness had crept in by the time it was blazing. Tobin had begun to help, cleaning the tubers Jessica and I had collected, gutting and cleaning the fish we retrieved from the net, collecting more wood. Through it all, his eyes skittered away from mine with something like shame.
I wondered why.
I wondered if I had displeased him with my defiance, with my need for pain. I wondered if he regretted saving me from Ken at the cost of his brother's life. And so after we'd eaten fish smoked on a split log, tubers baked in the coals, all of it topped with bitter greens and juicy berries, I crawled to him, making my body small, trying to prove I would do my best to obey, to submit to him.
"I'm so sorry." He jerked his head around to me, his green eyes wide with disgust. I bit back a whimper. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to stop myself. I don't know what to do when I crave the pain."
He reached a trembling hand to my hair. I sighed, tucking my face into his palm, gratified that he would extend me that kindness.
"It wasn't your fault."
Roy interrupted. "Not her fault, no. She can't help her cravings. But she can learn to manage them in a way that is less damaging for her." He turned to me. "When you are spanked, do you want to cut yourself?"
Slowly, I shook my head. "Not for a long time after."
He shrugged. "See?"
I didn't quite see yet, but Tobin did.
"You aren't allowed to cut yourself anymore, Stephanie. Not with your blade, not with thorns, not with anything."
"But, I need it!"
He shook his head. "When you need pain, we will give it to you."
And my craving reared its head. What a seductive thought! That instead of the little drips and drabs of pain I could provide myself with, I could defy my men, could earn a spanking, a much greater dose of pain, one that seemed to sate my craving and put it to sleep for much longer. I bowed my head, exulting.
"Yes, sir."
Chapter Four
The river broadened as we traveled, and then we came into an open area. Far out, we could see an island in the middle, the river parting on both sides and widening into a narrow bay before spilling into the sea.
The wind, the birds calling overhead, even the sun as it glittered on the waves, all of it took my breath away.
Jessica spoke first. "This is it."
Roy looked down at her and took her hand. Gerard had been on point, so we waited for Tobin to catch up, building a camp by the side of the river while we discussed the location.
Roy. "The island is best for defensive purposes."
Gerard. "But that will make it more difficult to get supplies to and from it."
Roy again. "Safety is more important. We can always add more boats, can add a bridge or other things later. For now, we have to make it difficult for any other would-be settlers who come across it, or if a warlord happens to see it, or if Ken ever decides to travel this far."
Scouting along our side of the river, we found a rocky area that looked promising for a longer-term camp. Roy sent the other men to gather firewood, always a time consuming task in the humidity.
Jessica and I were sent to fish, and we sat carefully, dangling our feet in the water as we cast our hooks as far as they would go.
She sighed, leaning back, and splashing a little. "It's so nice to have clear water around my feet, not mud."
"Yes."
"You know Tobin is trying his best to be what you need."
I frowned, eyes on the horizon. "I know."
She didn't speak for a long time after, except to exclaim with glee every time she got a bigger fish than I did. I didn't begrudge her the childish display. Who could begrudge her anything? But, after a while, when the basket was full of fish—they were so plentiful here!—I lay my head in her lap and let her stroke my hair.
"Is it my fault Simon died?"
She continued to stroke for a long minute, and I was grateful that she gave it thought, not an immediate platitude.
"No. It's not."
"Why?"
"He died honorably," she replied. "He died standing up for what he believed in."
"What did he believe in?"
"The right of people to live without constant fear of gratuitous and unreasoning, illogical, harmful violence."
I lay quietly, considering it.
"What are we doing here?"
"Making a place where we can protect people. Where we can offer protection in exchange for service."
***
It took a number of days before the first boat was ready. It was not the most balanced of boats, but it floated. After two false starts, we reached the island. It was difficult to find someplace to land, and we ended up almost missing the little beach on the far side. But the men paddled hard, and then leapt out, dragging the boat onto the sand. I got out, knees wobbling a bit, then helped Jessica. We climbed up the steep incline, and, all together, made camp under a stand of trees.
For several days after, we explored the island, making maps and plans, noting all the resources. We trapped rabbits, and the meat was a welcome change from fish. The men warned us to stay out of the water after we saw three crocodiles basking in one of the tiny coves.
There was a broad, flat area on the one side, so Jessica and I spent time moving tubers and other edible plants to it—the beginning of our garden.
The men decided where they wanted the various buildings, and began to dig for rock and other materials, chopping wood into shape, and creating an early, single-room house for us.
It was far grander than the hovel I'd grown up in, though not nearly as civilized as the house Jessica had. Still, it felt like home, because it was built by hands that loved each other.
Working in the open air, with the others, for a common goal, inspired strength in my body. I found myself lifting and carrying with more ease than when I had lifted and carried laundry every day.
It would have been idyllic, if there were not a snaking unease between Tobin and me. I had become accustomed to hearing Roy and Jessica make love, especially now that we were staying in one place and bathing was possible. Gerard often joined in, and sometimes Tobin, as well.
I was left alone. I couldn't even bring myself to crawl into Jessica's bed when the men were sleeping, regardless of the number of times I'd done it before we'd run away.
A new craving oozed from my bones, curling around the sinews in my soul. I was no virgin, but a man had never br
eached my body. And now I was bereft of both the men and my woman. It was a long time before I got up the courage to do something about it.
One evening I washed, thoroughly cleaning my hair and skin, scrubbing it with sand and rinsing in the floral water that Jessica let steep in the sun. I had done laundry that day, and while my clothes were tattered and worn, they were clean. Gerard was standing crocodile guard, and he grinned appreciatively when I finished.
A finger under my chin, he tipped my face up to his. "You clean up well, Stephanie."
I blushed and considered revising my plan. But I understood hierarchy. Gerard may have been eldest, but he was not the leader. His lips brushed mine, and I returned the kiss, melting into it for the barest moment before I stepped back, smiling.
That night, Tobin was standing guard duty first. When Jessica retired to her bed—the largest of all of ours, and with good reason—I slipped under the covers with her. For a long moment I was paralyzed with doubt, but then she smiled against my skin and flipped me under her. Her lips traced the line of my jaw, then pressed against mine. I sighed, my lips parting for her invasion, my hands in her silken hair. She pressed kisses down my throat, nipping my collarbone. Her voice was husky.
"Take this off."
I obeyed, shy and overcome by her boldness. I was accustomed to pleasing her, to taking the initiative. That night she took it away from me. Her hot mouth murmured against my breasts, caressing and licking my nipples until I gasped and arched towards her. Down, down she delved, her tongue finding my navel, and even lower. Kisses pressed into the crease between my thigh and mound, and then her tongue was between my intimate folds, tantalizing in its explorations.
My fingers tightened in her hair as she lapped at my nether lips, nipping and slithering. I thrust my hips towards her face, feeling vaguely guilty for accepting pleasure when I was accustomed to giving it, but she plied her tongue like a benediction, and I could no more resist her than I could escape Tobin's grip when he deigned to hold me.
Roy joined us then, his hands sliding over my face and down my throat, finding my nipples and teasing them to aching points. His clothing was gone, and I didn't care. I reached for him, gratified when my fingers closed around his cock. He grunted, shifting around so he could tangle his fingers in Jessica's hair. She sat up at his tug, grinning, and he centered himself between my thighs. The blunt head pressed against my slippery lips, and Jessica settled her thighs on either side of my face, knees nudging my shoulders. I tipped my chin up, my own lips coated in her arousal. Sliding my tongue down her slit, I found the seat of her pleasure and pressed hard. Swirling my tongue against her swollen bud, I heard her gasp, moaning. Roy shifted, pressing my knees up and opening my cunt to his spear.
I cried out when it pierced me, hot pain tearing against my softest parts. His hands on either side of my chest braced me, and I sank into sensation. My lover's hot liquid slipped along my lips, and my own hot liquid slipped along my swollen nether lips. Another thrust seated him deeply, and I arched against him, craving the pleasure, pain making it sweeter. I could hear her moaning above me, could feel her shudder as his lips found her nipples, could feel her thighs tighten and relax. I ran my hands up his chest, tracing the planes of his body, running my fingers through his body hair. She squirmed, pressing down and blocking my air, so I tipped my head farther back, straining to reposition. He reached for her, pulling her tightly to him, and I gasped as my nose was free again. I worked my jaw, concentrating on pleasing her as I had a hundred times before. I could feel when his teeth closed over her shoulder. She jerked in his hold, moaning.
Knowing the sounds of her pleasure, I increased the tempo of my tongue, wrapping my hands around her buttocks and holding her down while she shuddered and cried out. Meanwhile, Roy began to thrust inside me, slowly, deeply, claiming my body as his. I accepted his ownership, spreading my thighs and offering all of my insides to his thick cock.
Jessica came with a moaning wail, her whole body shaking with the force of her orgasm. I held her tightly, drawing it out as long as I could. Finally she sank to the bed beside me, and then Roy's teeth were on my left shoulder. They were sharp, marking my flesh with his name. I screamed, my voice breathy with the wave as pleasure collided with pain. His big hands wrapped tight around me, and he rammed into my cunt, branding me, driving me to distraction. He released my left shoulder and bit down on my right, the sudden spike of new pain tipping the balance. I came, my nails scoring his broad back over and again.
For a long moment he let me rest, panting. And then his hips started again, inexorably driving me up the mountain of pleasure once more. I wrapped my ankles around his waist, my hands fisted in his hair, and he bit me again, great harsh bites around my breasts. When the second orgasm caught me in a surge of hot pain shot through with pleasure, I lost any sense of time.
It was a long while before I could move. When I could, I found myself sandwiched between Roy's bulk and Jessica's softness. She was stroking my face, murmuring love and pride. I relaxed inside her glow.
Roy's voice was deep and reverent. "Thank you, Stephanie."
I opened my eyes, and found myself looking into his. Dark and intense, he knew exactly what I'd given him.
I still felt the need to verbalize it. "I'm yours, sir."
He nuzzled against me, strands of his long hair sticking to my damp face, his beard scraping my skin. "I know. But so is Tobin."
My voice was soft, hidden between us. "I don't understand."
"You belong to Tobin."
I started to shake my head, and he stopped me.
"Tobin is mine. Gerard is mine. Jessica is mine. You are mine." I nodded. "So I give you to Tobin."
My heart constricted. I wanted Tobin, had wanted him for so very long. And he was the one who'd always given me the pain I needed, the pain I craved.
But he'd abandoned me on this island, leaving me to stew in my frustrated desires. I started to shake my head again, and Roy patted my cheek.
"Stop thinking. Go to sleep."
It was easier to obey that order than I thought it would be.
***
Tobin did not acknowledge me all the next day. Gerard caressed my face when I started to cry, tucking me into his chest and murmuring comfort. Roy traced the outlines of his teeth on my skin and smiled. Jessica pinched me, hard, every time she was in reach.
I cried myself to sleep, alone.
The next morning, I woke before the others and walked down to the beach where we'd originally landed, digging my toes into the sand, seeking the pain of shell or stone shards.
Tobin found me there, and came to stand beside me.
"Why did you do it?"
I didn't look at him. "Do what?"
"Give your virginity to Roy."
"Didn't you?"
He hesitated, taken aback. "I guess so. He and Jessica."
I nodded, pacing away from him. "As did I. How is it different, then?"
He was silent for so long I would have forgotten he was there if it were not for the heat of his eyes on my skin, the ever-present prickle against my spine that told me he was near. After a long time, he came to me, enfolding me in his arms.
"You're right. I'm sorry."
I allowed myself a smile cast over the choppy water before turning into his embrace.
"I don't want your apology. I want your pain. I want your ownership."
He smoothed a hand down my back, cupping my buttock. "Pain and ownership are two different things."
I rested my head on his shoulder, idly tracing the outside of his arm. "I know. I want them. Both."
His head dipped down to mine, and he bit my lips until they swelled, sensation skittering along their surfaces. I gasped against his mouth, and then his hands were on my shoulders, pushing my dress down. His lips followed, raising the tiny hairs along my skin until I shivered with anticipation. My breasts came free from the cloth and then his teeth were there, crossing the marks Roy had left. I cried out, pain layering and bu
ilding as his teeth tightened, reclaiming my body for his own. When I was shuddering, my breath coming roughly, he spun me, a hand in my hair. I moaned, and he walked me towards a ridge in the earth, higher than my waist. Bending me over it, I hung on to the grasses as he lifted and shoved my hips, leaving me half on the ledge, my legs dangling free. I turned to look at him and gasped when he removed his belt. Stepping out of his loose pants, he left them with my dress, his ragged shirt covering him to mid thigh.
It was a thick belt, leather, with a heavy buckle. I whimpered, but he doubled it, the buckle safe behind his fist. He raised it high, and it cracked down on my bare bottom. I cried out, the flare of pain painting a bar of red in front of my eyes. He raised it again, and I waited, my heart in my throat.
He didn't leave me for long. Again it cracked down, and my vision blurred with sudden tears. It lifted and fell, a steady metronome of heat and pain.
This time I didn't struggle. My craving lifted its head and inhaled every echoing crack, every blast of stinging heat, every swollen welt. I felt the soreness inside from Roy, and sank into the soreness outside from Tobin. The scent of bruised flowers surrounded me; the lazy buzzing of bees distracted me. I couldn't think. I could only feel, plugged into the heartbeat of the island, the whisper and lap of the river.
I found myself sobbing, my fingers dug into the dirt, my legs drumming the earth. Each stroke lit my flesh on fire. Pain rioted through my body, the cracks echoing in my ears. When he began on my thighs I screamed, panting. He stopped, stroking my back, lying beside me and holding me close, letting me recover. I sobbed into his shirt, my fingers flexing and loosening, my face a blotchy mess.
"I love you, Stephanie."
I listened to the words swim inside my soul and wrap around my heart.
I tore the shirt down from the open neckline and bit down on his chest, grinding my teeth until he sucked in a breath, but he let me. I bit hard, harder than I'd ever bitten anything before. I tasted the first seep of blood before I felt it, and I licked it. Sealing my lips to his flesh, I sucked it in, coating my teeth and tongue.