What We Want

by Eliott Griffen

  “Sure.” Rob’s gaze fell to the table. There was no reason to hope. Why would Zach want to stay here with him?

  “Rob, honey, it’s early. We have time. We don’t have to decide anything yet.” Zach took his hand, so Rob smiled and nodded. Cold sweat ran down his back as the world seemed to slow down. Sounds around him dimmed and his vision blurred.

  Oh, baby, you don’t know the most important thing about time. There is none. It is so finite, so succinct. You get a certain amount and then it’s up. Gone. You can never get it back.

  He squeezed Zach’s hand. His need for this soft skin and warmth sometimes scared him; it was too much and not enough.

  I’m so afraid that this is all the time I will have with you. And it’s not enough; it will never be enough.

  “Do you want to leave? We’ve been here almost an hour.” Zach was watching him.

  “If you don’t mind.” Rob wanted to go home. He wanted to be alone so he could grieve Zach's departure, but he didn't want to lose one second of the time they had to be together.

  “Of course I don’t. You’re overwhelmed and I know this is hurting you. You can’t stand the crowd for more than an hour.”

  He figured out the ‘one hour’ rule.

  Zach put his phone in his pocket and got up. “Come on, beautiful. Let’s go home.”

  Rob took his hand and smiled, sadness making his chest ache.

  Home. With you.

  Rob crushed Zach against the wall as soon as they walked through the door. He needed him so much. He spent years alone repressing the need for a human touch. Now he had this human’s touch. Zach pulled him in and started grinding against him.

  “I want you,” Zach groaned in his ear.

  “Bedroom. Naked. Now.” Rob pushed him down the hallway.

  “Yes. Now.”

  They tore clothes off each other and scattered them along the way. Rob didn’t care, and it surprised him; the need to pick the clothes up and fold was non-existent.

  He took Zach in his arms and fell onto the bed. He needed to touch and be touched. His hands were still learning this new body, but he never felt freer. Gentle caresses and soft kisses and hard muscles. It was a study in opposites, and it was making him wild.

  He rolled on top of Zach, aligning them, and moved his hips. Zach cradled his face and kissed him hard.

  “I need you,” Zach breathed into the kiss.

  “I’m here.” Always.

  “Inside me.”

  Oh!

  “Rob?”

  Oh!

  “Honey, are you all right?” Zach’s eyes were wide, and his forehead creased with concern.

  “Inside?” Oh my god, yes, yes, yes...

  “We don’t have to—”

  “Me inside you?” Yesyesyesyesyes please.

  “—if you don’t want—”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes?”

  “I want to... I’ve been to the drugstore.” Rob grinned impishly. “I was hoping...” His smile fell. How to admit the one thing he was ashamed of since the beginning of their relationship? How to admit his fear? He wanted that, so badly. But he was shaking every time he thought about it. Rob figured that someday they would do it and it would be amazing, and he would probably wonder why he hesitated at all. Now seemed so soon, though... “But I’m not sure I can reciprocate, baby. I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet.”

  “Honey, honey, stop.” Zach squeezed his shoulder. “You don’t have to reciprocate, not now, not ever if you don’t want to.”

  “But isn’t that the point?” Rob thumped his forehead on Zach’s shoulder.

  “Of sex? No. You do what you feel comfortable doing. I would never, ever ask you to do something you don’t want to.” Zach kissed him softly.

  “I don’t want you to feel like you have to settle. Not have something you want.”

  How can I ask you to live without? His heart is going to burst, guilt, and love clashing in his chest. Someday he would surprise him; someday he would give Zach his all.

  “I want you. And I’ll take you anyway I can.” Zach got up. “Where is it?”

  Rob pointed to the dresser. I'm the luckiest man alive.

  “Sock drawer. Second on the left.”

  Zach gathered what he needed and came back to the bed. He laughed at the industrial size of the lube bottle. He opened the bottle and tried to squeeze some on his fingers, but Rob stopped him.

  “Can I do it?”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Please.” Rob extended his hand and Zach gave him the lube.

  “Can you lie on your back? Is that comfortable for you?”

  “Yes.” Zach threw himself back on the bed and put a pillow under him.

  “I want to see your eyes. This is the eye contact I need.”

  He caressed Zach’s thighs and his abs, slowly pushing his legs apart. He never imagined himself in this position until he met Zach, and now for the last couple of weeks this was all he had thought about.

  The reality is so much better.

  Zach’s skin was so soft, and the hair on his legs and torso was blond and silky. He couldn’t stop touching. He moved his hand over Zach’s cock, circled it with his fingers. Every touch was like the first. Every time with Zach was like a miracle. He could never have imagined this. No fantasy even came close to the real thing.

  “Rob... please...” Zach’s moans spurred him on.

  He squeezed lube onto his fingers. A lot of lube. Better safe than sorry. He stayed on his knees at first, wanting to see as he circled and pushed one finger inside. Then two. He was mesmerized. I need to kiss him.

  He leaned and kissed Zach’s thigh and slid his lips upward. His gaze skittered over Zach’s cock and he stopped for a second.

  I’m not ready for you yet. Soon.

  He kissed and licked and nipped Zach’s arms and shoulders and neck. His nipples were a nice surprise, and Zach’s reactions to Rob’s touch were fascinating. The inside of Zach felt like a vice around his fingers. Hot wet kisses were making him crazy and his patience was gone.

  “Rob. Rob. Now.”

  “Yes.”

  He fumbled with condom wrapper, but he still managed to do everything himself.

  “We need more lube.” He looked at Zach, “Right?”

  “Never too much lube,” Zach panted.

  He hovered over Zach looking straight into his eyes.

  You’re all I ever wanted...

  “Rob, please...” Zach’s eyes were pleading, half closed and heavy.

  He pushed in slowly, very slowly. His head would explode. This was his second first time. This time, again, he had to fight his body not to embarrass him. After what it seemed like forever, he was completely in.

  Oh, God!

  Hard muscles beneath him bunched, strong arms around his shoulders trembled, warm breath over his face tickled him. He was completely enveloped in Zach. And it was a feeling like no other before.

  “I never thought it would be like this,” he whispered. “I never dreamed...”

  “Move, move or I’ll die,” Zach moaned.

  “Yes, sir.”

  They moved and touched in harmony. Every touch, every kiss, every breath like choreographed. Like they’d done it a million times before. But every sensation reflected the novelty of this miracle.

  I’m inside another person. I’m inside Zach and it’s a revelation.

  He moved gently, trying to gauge Zach’s reactions. His fear of hurting Zach was holding him back. Rob looked at him and couldn’t believe what he saw. The beauty in front of him was intoxicating. He pushed and pulled and ground his hips. It was never like this before, this connection between bodies and souls. He felt quivers and heartbeats and he didn’t know which belonged to him and which belonged to Zach. His skin was melting, his bones were burning, and he needed to hold on because this could never end.

  I need this. Forever. Him.

  Zach was shaking and begging. For what, neither of them knew.
Pure electricity shot through Rob’s spine and he knew he was losing the battle. He grabbed Zach’s hips, leaving bruises. He saw Zach’s eyes widening and felt the grip of his body, contractions too strong to hold on. And then he was coming. Like never before in his life.

  Mine.

  His soul might have left his body. Maybe. Stars were dancing behind his eyelids. Possibly. His heart was going to jump right out of his chest. Definitely.

  Rob gently, very gently pulled out and fell next to Zach. He dropped the condom next to his bed. Right on the floor. Who cares?

  Warm hands were pulling him and soft lips he now knew so well kissed his face.

  “I dreamed of this,” Zach said.

  “Of what?”

  “Making love to you.” Zach nestled in his arms and sighed.

  “And?” Rob hugged him tighter, pulling a comforter over them.

  “You are my dream come true.”

  Rob kissed the top of his head. And you are mine.

  Chapter 30

  “I’m telling you, Car. I’ve never felt like this before.” Zach's heart was drumming every time he thought of Rob. He hugged himself trying to hold on to this feeling, trying to keep it inside and never let go. .

  “I’m just saying be careful, dude. You went into this way too fast.”

  “Too fast?! I’ve been here for more than two months!”

  “Maybe you should take a break and come home for a few days.” Carson wasn’t giving up.

  “Carson, you are my brother. Can’t you just be happy for me?” Zach's voice was shaking, frustration tightening the knot in his stomach.

  “I’d be happy knowing you are safe. I don’t know you are safe.” Carson smacked his lips. “I don’t trust this guy. I don’t. All of this is just too good to be true. And you know what they say, if it’s too good to be true...”

  Zach was livid, but he couldn’t really blame Carson. He didn’t know Rob. And he did have best intentions. How can I make him see?

  “You are the one who told me I would know when I meet the one.” He clenched his jaw to the point of pain.

  “I did. I did say that. But, babe, that is what a friend is supposed to say. And it worked, right?” Carson sighed. “You never believed in the one. You always said it was the greatest sham ever invented. You said you hate your name because it’s the most used name in romance novels, and romance is sh—”

  “I know! I know...” At the mention of romance his hormones went wild. He saw Rob's face and frustration turned to giddiness. Zach flopped in his chair. These mood swings were annoying. Poor women. “And really, what was Marge thinking naming me Zachary?”

  “She hoped you’d be the hero of your own romance novel,” Carson laughed. “Or she just closed her eyes and pointed at the page in the book.”

  “But it’s happening, babe...” Zach whispered breathlessly.

  “Zach?”

  “It’s happening right now. The romance novel of my life.” He grinned.

  “And you are that sure? Sure enough to risk it all?”

  “Yes.” Zach didn’t miss a beat.

  “Okaaay...” Carson said. “Tell me, what has Romeo been up to?”

  “Don’t call him that.”

  “Deal with it.”

  “Rob loves your nicknames, though.”

  “You bitch!” Carson gasped. “You told him?”

  “Yeah.” Zach was laughing so hard he could barely breathe. “We were talking about you when we were in Martha’s Vineyard. There was this restaurant on the shore—”

  “He took you to Martha’s Vineyard?!”

  “Yeah, we played golf... well, he played golf, I just stood there like an idiot.” He felt like a fool, even now. He really should try to learn the game.

  “He took you to Martha’s... what the actual fuck, Zachary?!”

  “He wants to take you to this Yacht club when you come to visit. They have wine tastings and—”

  “He wants to take me to Martha’s Vineyard?!”

  “Are you deaf or did the fumes from the fire in the lab damaged your brain?” Zach snorted.

  “Wow!” Carson choked. “He really is a nice guy, huh?”

  “Oh, now that he wants to take you he is nice?” Zach shook his head and sighed. “But yeah, he is. He’s... he’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.” And he is mine.

  “Nicer than—”

  “As nice as you.”

  “Wow! That says a lot.”

  “Egotistical bitch much?” Zach rolled his eyes.

  “Pragmatic.”

  “Mhm.” Carson was batshit crazy, but he was Zach's family. Now their family would have one more member. Hopefully.

  “So, you have a buyer coming today?”

  “Yeah, they should be here soon.” Zach got up and went up the stairs, bouncing on his toes.

  “OK then. I’ll leave you to it. I need to go finish packing, the car for the airport will be here in an hour.”

  “You’re still going to LA?” Zach asked, his mouth dry. Carson's escapades were the reason Zach would be gray before he turns 40.

  “Yes, I need sun and fun and sex. Lots and lots of sex...” Carson sighed.

  “Be careful, please.”

  “I will. You too.”

  “I’ll try...”

  Zach was in his bedroom changing when he heard the doorbell. This is it. He came to the stairs and stopped when deceivingly fragile banister called his name. Do I still have it in me?

  All those years of Marge yelling at him... a broken elbow at the bottom of the stairs when he was 12...

  Well, it’s now or never.

  He parked his ass on the rail and just flew.

  “You do realize I saw that through the glass on these doors?” Miranda asked.

  “Forgot about that, sorry.” He wasn’t the least bit sorry.

  “You are lucky Mr. Nixon didn’t see that stunt.”

  “Mr. Nixon what, Mrs. Wakefield?” a deep voice rumbled. Zach turned and looked up. And up.

  Oh my God...

  The guy was huge. Like really huge. He was almost seven feet tall, his shoulders were impossibly wide, and his jeans and shirt were one breath from ripping at the seams. His dark skin was smooth and brown eyes were smiling at Zach with recognition.

  “Well, I’ll be damned...” The stranger shook his head, still smiling. “If it isn’t little Zachary.”

  “Excuse me?” Zach lifted his eyebrow.

  “You don’t remember me?”

  “I’m sorry, but...”

  “Look closely.” His smile grew.

  “Andy?” Zach’s eyes widened.

  “Yup! Although, it’s Drew now.”

  “Andrew Nixon. The greatest basketball player Providence ever had.” Excitement shot through Zach.

  “Not anymore.” Drew’s shoulders dropped. “Unfortunately.”

  “Oh, what happened?” Zach pulled Drew inside. “Come in, please. Come into the kitchen and I’ll get us something to drink.”

  “You two know each other?” Miranda followed them, huffing and puffing.

  “Yes, Miranda, we went to school together.” Zach said. “Well, he’s a year older, but everyone knew Andy.”

  “Drew.”

  “Yes, sorry, Drew.”

  “And you tutored me senior year...”

  “I remember!” Zach laughed.

  “Of course you know each other. What was I thinking?” Miranda pushed her blonde frizzy hair back.

  “So, tell me, what happened after high school?”

  “Listen here, boys.” Miranda interrupted them. She checked her lipstick in the glass on the microwave door. “I’m doing this as a favor to both of your parents, meaning there is not a lot for me in this.”

  She cocked her eyebrow and then sighed, shaking her head.

  “I’m going to leave now. I have a hairdresser and manicure appointment in one hour and some stuff to do in the meantime.” She straightened her coat, that horrible screaming pink coat, an
d went to the front door. “You can do the tour of the house by yourselves. It’s not splitting atoms.”

  She turned to Zach.

  “Do not screw this up!” she threatened him with her finger. “His parents want him out of the house ASAP.” She looked at Drew and shrugged. “No offense.”

  “None taken.” Drew lifted his hands.

  “Call me for the paperwork! Bye!” And then she was out of the house.

  “God, I hate that woman.” Zach shivered. He came back to the kitchen and sat with Drew.

  “What happened?”

  “I had an injury. Back in college.” Drew wrapped his hands around the glass. “The usual stuff, you know. Textbook example. They pushed me and I never said no. One day they pushed too hard and it was over.” Drew scratched his head and sighed. “We had a big game, and I tried to do what I had done so many times before. I jumped, misjudged, the guy blocked me and bam. Game over.”

  “You sound...” Zach was at a loss for words.

  “Not heartbroken? Oh, I was. My knee was shattered; they said I would never walk without cane again.” Drew slumped in his chair. “I was lost, man...I didn’t know what to do next. Then depression kicked in and I was so out of it I barely graduated. Life was a fucking mess.”

  “But you’re good now? I mean, as good as you can be?”

  “Yes, but it took a while. I had so many operations I couldn’t live alone. Mom came to stay with me. That was...” Drew shook his head.

  “I can imagine.”

  “After all that I came back here and moved in with them.” Drew grimaced in pain. “Now I live in adapted apartment above the garage and, man, I can’t stand it anymore.”

  “I completely understand you.”

  “I’ve heard you teach in New York.”

  “I do.” For now.

  “Believe it or not, I work at the school, too.” Drew laughed.

  “Really?”

  “Yeah, I’m the basketball coach now.”

  “Oh, my God... Isidora offered me a job. We’d be working together.”

  “You’re going to take it?”

  I have no fucking idea... I have never been this torn in my life.

  “I’m not sure yet, but if things go the way I hope they will... I don’t know.”

  “It would be awesome! Here’s to colleagues!” They clinked their glasses.

  “What do you think about the house?”