Psychology of Seduction

by Jesse James

  - William Shakespeare, ‘Othello’

  In Gustave Flaubert’s masterpiece, ‘Madame Bovary,’ a married woman wedded to a dull but wealthy doctor enjoys a steamy adulterous affair to escape the banalities of her provincial life. ‘For her, life was as cold as an attic with a window looking to the north, and ennui, like a spider, was silently spinning its shadowy web in every cranny of her heart,’ writes Flaubert.57. This is a flashy way of saying that Emma Bovary wanted to cuckold her rich, boring husband.

  Flaubert has unwittingly answered the ultimate metaphysical question – what do women want? Women want to have their cake and eat it too. Put another way, a woman wants to have another man’s child and con her husband into feeding it cake.

  The biological ideal of every female is to secure resources and commitment from a long-term partner while obtaining the best possible genes for her children from a man with presumably superior genes to her husband. The husband becomes a cuckold, duped into raising some other man’s bastard child.

  During the environment of evolutionary adaptedness (EEA), the Pleistocene era, women required the long-term commitment of a husband to provide resources for her and her children. Such resources included food, shelter and protection from aggressive males or rival tribes.

  Alone among the animals, human babies pop out of the womb completely helpless, tending to remain that way for the first six or seven years of life. Whereas an ungulate is born ‘ready to go’ and a wolf cub might take only a year to become self-sufficient, humans must wait almost two decades to learn the skills needed to survive.

  A woman living on the African savannah during the Pleistocene era could hardly care for her children alone while simultaneously providing food and shelter; specialization was just not that advanced. She needed a man’s help. Thus the human ‘pair bonding’ instinct was born. The emotion we call ‘love,’ though fragile and unreliable, united man and woman in a common bond to raise a family. Though we have migrated from the plains of Africa to the shores of New Jersey and the Hollywood Strip, our genes remain fundamentally the same.

  So the ideal situation for females is to find a good husband? Sure, but it’s not so simple. There’s a mouse in the punchbowl and the mouse is called time. Imagine yourself as a young female on the dusty plains of Africa two hundred thousand years ago. Raising a family means choosing a mate. You can’t wait forever to find your knight in shining armor; at some point you have to ‘satisfice,’ which means settling for the best man available even if he is not the best available man. Only if the woman is exceedingly lucky will she find a man suitable as both a husband and genetic donor.

  Shopping for a mate is a lot like buying a new pair of shoes. See that shiny new pair of Air Jordans on sale? You could wait, hoping the price drops even more. Or you could act immediately before someone else snatches them up or the sale ends. If you act immediately, you are foregoing a chance at future profits (in the form of a greater bargain) to cash in your good fortune right away. Likewise, a woman who passes up a good – though not perfect – husband might discover that her luck was short lived; she may never find a good husband again, being forced to settle for a less acceptable one.

  Psychologists have dubbed the mating game a ‘Jane Austen problem’ after the celebrated novel Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Incidentally, my high school English teacher forced me to read this book, which felt like a prison sentence. Perhaps the most pompously boring piece of literature ever put to ink, Pride and Prejudice describes the dilemma faced by Elizabeth Bennet as she chooses a mate in nineteenth-century England. How long can a man or woman wait for the perfect mate to come along, when you can’t wait forever and many others just like you are also waiting? At what point does it make sense to compromise, accepting the best partner available at the present time?

  Steven Pinker explains that ‘Somewhere in this world of five billion people there lives the best-looking, richest, smartest, funniest, kindest person who would settle for you. But your dreamboat is a needle in a haystack , and you may die single if you insist on waiting for him or her to show up. Staying single has costs, such as loneliness, childlessness, and playing the dating game with all its awkward drinks and dinners (and sometimes breakfasts). At some point it pays to set up house with the best person you have found so far.’58

  The cold laws of probability conspire against the modern male. Matt Ridley observes that a woman’s ‘husband is, almost by definition, usually not the best male there is – else how would he have ended up married to her? His value is that he is monogamous and will therefore not divide his child-rearing effort among several families. But why accept his genes? Why not have his parental care and some other male’s genes?’59

  When the Senator’s son grows up looking more like his father’s beefy bodyguard, the explanation is not hard to find. DNA testing anyone? Yeah, we got that.

  Women enjoy the thrill of cuckolding a weak husband, often reveling in their duplicity. One male commenter on the Internet writes: ‘I’m 45 and have been in more relationships than I care to recall. Included in the sordid list are the girlfriends, fiancées, and wives of other men. Perhaps the most indelible, unforgettable memories from those years are of how all those women laughed hysterically at what they’d pulled off and their lovers’ foolish faith in them.’

  Not all women consciously plot to dupe their husbands into raising another man’s bastard child. Instead, the emotions serve as proxies for calculation. Love, lust, pursuit of happiness and other complex emotions stir the woman to action. Consider Madam Bovary: ‘Before she married, she thought she was in love; but the happiness that should have resulted from that love, somehow had not come. It seemed to her that she must have made a mistake, have misunderstood in some way or another. And Emma tried hard to discover what, precisely, it was in life that was denoted by the words “joy, passion, intoxication,” which had always looked so fine to her in books.’60 The joy of turning her husband into a cuckold, of course.

  Those pleasant-sound words ‘joy, passion and intoxication’ were just another way for Emma to rationalize the remorseless pursuit of her biological imperative. She felt an unconscious urge to cuckold her husband and invented some emotional mumbo-jumbo to help assuage her guilt.

  The female ideal is to exploit a long-term provider for resources and commitment, while opportunistically scoring good genes from a more masculine man. Matt Ridley observes that such behavior is nothing new; ‘The noble savage, far from living in contented sexual equanimity, was paranoid about becoming, and intent on making his neighbor into, a cuckold. Little wonder that human sex is first and foremost in all societies a private thing to be indulged in only in secret.’61

  In the Nayar society of southern India, cuckolding is an accepted way of life. Women take many lovers and husbands, having no confidence whatsoever in paternity. And how do the men feel about this arrangement?

  Instead of driving themselves crazy with anger, jealousy and aggression they invented a clever little solution. The men live with their sisters and help raise their sisters’ children because at least they know they share some DNA. Investing in your niece or nephew makes more sense than squandering your time and money on someone else’s bastard brat.

  The term ‘cuckold’ originates from studies of the cuckoo bird, a type of brood parasite which lays its eggs in the nest (brood) of another species. But humans aren’t cuckoo birds, so how common is this behavior among members of our own species? Pretty common, apparently. A recent study at the University of Washington found that 15% of women in the study admitted to cheating on their husbands at least once. The real rate of female infidelity is likely to be much higher, as respondents in these kinds of surveys tend to lie for a variety of reasons; guilt, inability to admit their infidelity even to themselves, fear of being branded ‘promiscuous’ by the researcher, and fear of discovery. ‘Men want to think women don’t cheat, and women want men to think they don’t cheat, and therefore the sexes have been playing a little psychological
game with each other,’ explains Tara Pope-Parker.62

  Men cheat too, but for different reasons. As we have already discussed, men seek quantity of mates while women seek quality. Don Symons observes that ‘a woman has an affair because she feels that the man is in some way superior or complementary to her husband, and a man has an affair because the woman is not his wife.’63

  Mommy’s Little Secret

  According to Carolyn Abraham, ‘mommy’s little secret’ is that 30% to 50% of women cheat on their husbands, with at least 10% of those encounters resulting in a pregnancy. Other figures put the number of cuckold babies closer to 12%. Imagine that; at least one in every ten children born to a married couple was not fathered by the woman’s husband.64

  Consider the story of Morgan Wise, a 40-year-old railway engineer from Big Spring, Texas. His youngest son had been diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, but Mr. Wise did not carry a CF gene. Mr. Wise recalls, ‘My first thought was that they must have misdiagnosed my son.’ Rising slowly from his chair, the doctor walked around his desk and gently sat down in front of him. The doctor gave him a solemn, almost pitying look: ‘Morgan, do you have any reason to think this boy might not be yours?’ Morgan was shocked and more than a little offended. Having been married to the same woman for thirteen years, they had raised three boys and a girl before divorcing in 1996. Nevertheless, he agreed to paternity tests. A few weeks later, Mr. Wise received some sobering news on a little slip of paper in the mail – none of the three boys was his. Not so wise, Morgan.65

  TIP: Order Your DNA Test NOW!

  If you’re a married man with children, collect a hair sample from your children and order a DNA test pronto. You wish I was kidding.

  And it gets worse. A new survey in Britain found that most women tend to be unfaithful to their regular partners around ovulation, when they are most fertile. Concealed ovulation, a deep mystery for evolutionary biologists, may have evolved to facilitate cuckolding. Robert Wright explains that ‘one solution would be to trick a devoted but not especially brawny or brainy mate into raising the offspring of another male. Again, cryptic ovulation would come in handy, as a treachery facilitator. It’s fairly easy for a man to keep rivals from impregnating his mate if her brief phase of fertility is plainly visible; but if she appears equally fertile all month, surveillance becomes a problem. This is exactly the confusion a female would want to create if her goal is to draw investment from one man and genes from another. Of course, the female may not consciously ‘want’ this ‘goal.’ And she may not be consciously aware of when she’s ovulating. But at some level she may be keeping track.’66

  Sex researcher Robin Baker, co-author of ‘Sperm Wars,’ discovered that female orgasms tending to result in pregnancy occurred much more frequently with a woman’s lover than with her husband. Baker found that 55 percent of orgasms among faithful women were of the high-retention variety (the most fertile). In unfaithful women, 40 percent of the orgasms with the woman’s partner were high-retention, while fully 70 percent of orgasms with the lover were of this fertile type. Even worse (or better, depending on one’s perspective), these unfaithful ladies were also having sex with their lovers during ovulation when they were most likely to get pregnant. Matt Ridley observes that ‘The typical woman’s pattern of infidelity and orgasm is exactly what you would expect to find if she were unconsciously trying to get pregnant from a lover while not leaving a husband.’67 Even if a woman in this sample group had twice as much sex with her husband than her lover, she was still more likely to conceive a child by the lover than the husband. It’s a recipe for cuckold.

  There is some good news in all this - at least we aren’t scale insects. When a scale insect’s eggs are fertilized, often more than one sperm penetrates the egg. One of the sperm fuses with the egg’s nucleus in the usual way, while the other sperm hangs around, dividing as the egg divides. As the insect matures, the parasitic sperm eats out its gonads and replaces them with its own. Even Madam Bovary wasn’t plotting anything that vicious.68

  Women perform all sorts of gymnastic mental contortions to justify cheating on a husband or lover. Perhaps they feel that love has faded, or the husband pays them too little attention, or treats them poorly, or maybe the husband has ‘changed.’ It’s all a smoke show.

  The mind of the modern woman has changed little since we swung out of the trees. Engraved in the female brain is the desire to find a provider husband who will invest food, care, time and resources into her offspring, while courting a lover who can provide top-notch genes. Only if the woman is exceptionally lucky will her husband be the same man. Men are just another environmental resource, valuable as providers of food, parental care, wealth and genes. Exploitation – not love – is the deeper algorithm whirring away in the human brain.

  TIP: Married Ladies Are Easy Pickings

  Married women (or women involved in long-term cohabitating relationships) are much easier to seduce than single women or women with casual boyfriends.

  Target a married woman for seduction and your success rate will be ten times higher than if you pursue single or newly-attached women. Even better, you don’t require a fat wallet to seduce those married ladies. Save your money; that’s what the husband is for. Showcase your good genes and the Emma Bovaries of the world will swoon. You might even cuckold some poor sap like Morgan Wise. Have fun.

  Chapter 5

  Strings Attached? Hell No

  ‘Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.’

  - Billy Crystal

  According to the latest science, women don’t like to put all their eggs in one basket. Literally.

  Evolutionary biologists and sexual selection researchers Richard Dawkins and David Buss describe two types of evolutionary strategies women pursue; the ‘domestic bliss’ strategy, in which a female seeks a long-term mate to care for her children, and the ‘he-man’ strategy, in which she single-mindedly pursues a man’s good genes for her offspring.

  Women employing the ‘he-man’ strategy go all-out for good genes, seeking men with broad shoulders, V-shaped torsos and muscular builds. During the ancestral environment, such traits conferred real survival advantages, enabling men to take down large game, build shelters, and defend the family against marauding intruders.

  TIP: Women Prefer More Masculine Men for Casual Sex

  Masculine men are less sexually faithful since they are more sexually desirable. Therefore, an uber-masculine man - a ‘man’s man’ - is not the ideal long-term partner, but he is perfect for a casual encounter. Masculinity appeals to women more during ovulation when they are interested in a short-term mating opportunity pursuing the ‘he-man’ strategy.

  The typical young female partygoer pursues a ‘he-man’ strategy. You’ve seen her at the nightclubs, bars, and house parties. She’s young, sexy, dolled up, and she ain’t looking for no husband, folks. The nightclub is a giant meat-market from which she can pick her superman. Visual cues abound. She searches for a tall, well-dressed man with broad shoulders, a V-shaped torso, a confident swagger, a full head of hair, an athletic and muscular build, a masculine face, a quick sense of humor, a little cocky and bold. Have I just described you? No?! Well, shucks, we have a lot of work to do.

  The discerning reader may have noticed a glaring question; why do women care about scoring genes from some guy with broad shoulders and a V-shaped torso who looks like he started curling fifty-pound weights while still in his mother’s womb? What’s so good about Neanderthal Man compared to a little guy with a big brain? Actually, intelligence is a huge turn-on for women. But in the hectic setting of a nightclub, good luck showing off your algebra skills.

  Men and women both pursue casual sex, but for contrasting reasons and using diametrically different selection criteria. Women interested in casual sex are pursuing the ‘he-man’ strategy to obtain the best genes for their children (unconsciously, of course). They are more likely to find strong, muscular, tall men attractive, focusing less on wealth and generosity. A
woman tends to pursue casual sex if she is already mated, seeking to cuckold her wimpy husband. She may also seek a casual fling when she feels the need for an ego boost, when she needs a quick ‘rebound’ after leaving a serious relationship, or when she wants to make her partner jealous.

  A man who wants casual sex just wants sex, pretty please with a cherry on top, thank you very much. His criteria may be low, very low; anything with two breasts and a heartbeat will do.

  According to the owner of a large dating website: ‘Women really read over our profile forms; guys just look at the pictures.’69

  TIP: Become a Superstar Lover

  In Goldmember, Austin Powers tells Foxy Cleopatra: ‘You may be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater.’ Bedroom skills won’t help you attract women, but they will keep your lovers coming back for second servings. Women looking for casual sex, in particular, insist on capable lovers.

  Men dream of sex with young, anonymous females, embodied by the ever-popular porno video. In porn, the woman’s face is often hidden – just the sex organs are visible, which is all that really matters to a male seeking casual sex. Contrast the porno flick with the romance novel, the epitome of female fantasy. As a man, I’m willing to bet you’ve watched your fair share of porn, but never read a single romance novel. The star of the romance novel is always a handsome man, but his character traits – bravery, intelligence, ambition – are emphasized far more than his physical appearance. Think about the difference in the respective fantasies of men and women. The porn video and the romance novel both involve sex, but the similarities end there. If you really want to understand the female mind, take a break from YouJizz.com and read ‘Gone With the Wind.’

  Women seeking casual sex partners are considerably more likely to hyper-sexualize their appearance, wearing low-cut blouses, revealing too much skin, wearing tight pants or short skirts. Look for women who draw attention to their breasts by arching their back, leaning over seductively to reveal more cleavage, holding eye contact for a fraction of a second longer than necessary, exaggerating the hip swivel while walking or engaging in female preening behavior, such as hair stroking. Women giving off these signals make themselves easy targets for seduction.