Psychology of Seduction

by Jesse James

  Instead of faking it, why not seek women with genuinely similar interests? Hobbies provide common-ground for conversation and dating. Meetup.com offers an easy way to find women with similar interests. Search for local meetup groups based on your likes and dislikes. There is something for everyone, from curling to mountaineering, philosophy to skiing, and everything in between.

  CLINIC: The Best Places to Meet Women

  When bank robber Willie Sutton was asked why he robbed banks, his answer came straight and true; ‘Because that’s where the money is.’ Ask a pickup artist why he goes to bars and clubs, and you’ll get a similar answer: ‘Because that’s where the girls are.’

  And that is their first mistake. Where there are lots of girls, there are lots of men trying to pick up girls – in a word; competition. And where there are lots of girls being hit on by nerdy pickup artists, there are lots of girls with their defenses up. They become sexually defensive, accustomed to pickup-artist techniques and easily capable of deflecting even the most smooth-talking practitioner. Bars and clubs are where hope comes to get fucked in the ass.

  Obviously, the best time to seduce a woman is when she is least expecting it. A girl walking down the street or across a college campus has no automatic defenses in place; you can catch her with her guard down. Studies show that average-looking males who approach random women on college campuses have a 50% chance of getting a date. Do you think five out of ten women at your local nightclub would say ‘yes’ if you asked them out? If so, call the men in white, because you are delusional.

  A realtor will tell you that the most important factor in the value of a house is ‘location, location, location.’ The same is true for seduction.

  On The Street & Random Public Places

  Women walking down the street, riding the bus, or waiting at a bus stop are seldom prepared to fend off a suave seducer. With their guard completely down, you have an excellent chance of scoring a date, email address or phone number simply by boldly approaching random women in random places.

  Amusement parks

  Cold approaches work well at amusement parks. Approach women as they disembark the roller-coaster. Hard-pumping adrenaline creates a natural state of high arousal.

  Gym

  Exercise produces adrenaline which heightens sexual desire. Unlike amusement parks where girls travel in groups, women typically work out alone at the gym. An individual female is easier to approach than a woman with a group of friends. You can often win an ‘instant date’ by inviting a gym girl to grab lunch or a protein smoothie after working out.

  Sports

  Play sports! For meeting a large of women fast, try ultimate frisbee and beach volleyball. The women you meet are usually hot and in fantastic shape. Already aroused by the adrenaline from the exercise, you can make aggressive cold approaches or build attraction gradually if you see them frequently.

  Martial Arts

  Girls love karate! It’s great exercise, good for agility, and helps them fight off bad guys. Join a martial arts dojo to meet tons of women in heightened states of arousal. Where else can you wrestle with a girl you just met?

  Yoga

  Personally, I dislike ‘new age’ stuff like Yoga and Pilates. But it’s great for meeting women! Use the perception that yoga is ‘for girls’ to your advantage. Imagine: You’re the only guy in a yoga class of twenty hot women stretching, bending over, contorting their bodies. Yeah, you get the picture. Show your sensitive side by participating in the class.

  Rock Climbing

  Take a rock climbing course - indoor gyms are everywhere if you don’t live near an outdoor crag. Rock climbing ranks #1 in sexy sports for men. Enough said.

  Adventure

  Go on adventure tours for trekking, biking, kayaking, and whitewater rafting. The fun and danger creates instant bonding potential. During times of extreme danger, the brain produces chemicals known as ‘endorphins,’ which are also created when we fall in love.

  This is Your Brain on Emotion

  Men are logical, while women are emotional – or so goes the stereotype. Actually, both men and women use emotions as proxies for complex decision-making, which often takes too much time. Love and lust play a starring role in the psychology of seduction, so let’s examine these emotions in more detail.

  Much of what looks like complex decision making in humans is instinct, emotion, or hard-wired motor skills. For example, simply throwing a ball in the air and catching it requires solving a complicated set of differential equations in predicting the trajectory of the ball. Scientists have tried – and repeatedly failed – to program a robot to catch a ball, a feat that humans can perform seemingly with ease. ‘He may neither know nor care what a differential equation is, but this does not affect his skill with the ball. At some subconscious level, something functionally equivalent to the mathematical calculations is going on,’ explains Richard Dawkins.197

  For men and women, mating decisions are much like catching a ball. Complex decision-making occurs in the subconscious, but the conscious mind is only aware of a few simple emotions driving behavior.

  Emotions function like computer programs, helping us solve specific tasks. Emotional responses adjust one’s behavior to respond to an environmental challenge, such as evaluating a mate or dodging a charging rhino. Like computers, living organisms face a variety of challenges; emotions such as fear, love and anger represent unique psychological subroutines adapted to improve a person’s response to a certain challenge. Emotions help us make good choices quickly, without the need for conscious thought. When evading a tiger or making love, it is better not to think too much. Just do it.198

  Emotions also serve as an adaptive reward or punishment mechanism to keep an animal ‘on track’ toward pursuing its evolutionary goals, namely reproduction and survival. Happiness is like a lure in a greyhound race – an artificial rabbit used make the dogs run around the track. Humans chase happiness too. We experience the ‘reward’ of happiness when we achieve certain evolutionary goals, such as having sex, raising our status, or falling in love. In fact, absent the happiness reward mechanism, human pursuit of such goals would make little sense.

  The amygala – the seat of the emotions – is much older than the part of the brain responsible for reasoning and decision making, the neocortex. Sex predates the neocortex by millions of years; our ancestors were doing the sideways polka long before they were solving crossword puzzles. Mating decisions are governed by emotions rather than reason.

  Many women find their emotional helplessness frustrating. One of my female friends consistently chooses abusive, scumbag boyfriends who make her life miserable. Each time she breaks up with one of these ‘cads,’ she writes down all the qualities she wants in a good man; honesty, loyalty, sincerity, trustworthiness, compassion, similar hobbies and interests, etc. And yet, despite consciously attempting to find ‘Mr. Right,’ she always uncontrollably falls in love with ‘Mr. Wrong.’ Clearly a disconnect exists between my friend’s conscious mind and her deep-seated emotions. She knows exactly what she wants, but the gap between knowing and feeling is like the distance between the Earth and Pluto. Robert Wright explains that ‘Animals, including people, often execute evolutionary logic not via conscious calculation, but by following their feelings, which were designed as logic executioners.’199

  Among the most catastrophic mistakes men make in seduction is using reason to create attraction. A man will often try to convince a woman, logically, that she should like him. I have a great job. We’re perfect for each other. We have so much in common. We have similar goals for the future. Oy vey, this never works.

  Decision making occurs emotionally and unconsciously; we only use rational thought to bolster what we have already decided. Seduction, then, must be geared toward the unconscious mind – the emotional state, the amygdala – rather than a woman’s conscious decision-making process. Women employ emotion and intuition to guide them in making good mating decisions, even though such decisions are ba
sed on an underlying calculus of obtaining good genes or parental investment. A woman does not consciously think to herself: ‘The sexy football player with big muscles must have robust genes, therefore I will mate with him to obtain good genes for my child.’ No. Rather, the simple emotion of lust drives her to approach a good-looking man. Robert Wright explains that ‘Lust and other such feelings are natural selection’s way of getting us to act as if we wanted lots of offspring and knew how to get them, whether or not we actually do.’200

  Never try to convince a woman that she should like you. Instead, influence her emotions through body language, attire, imagination and language. Develop a seduction strategy that emphasizes your emotional appeal rather than your logical appeal. Remember: a woman need not even like you to feel attracted to you. Sometimes the liking comes later, after sex, or not at all.

  Don’t Be So Fucking Eager

  ‘That’s the worst fuckin’ head I ever got in my life! Next time don’t be so fuckin’ eager!’ shouts Mallory Knox in Natural Born Killers. Good advice straight from the horse’s mouth. Women lose respect for an eager beaver. The aspiring seducer must remain aloof, unconcerned, slightly disinterested, and hard to pin down.

  Biologist Robert Trivers describes the courtship strategy of the male black grouse in his book ‘Social Evolution,’ noting the effective use of subtlety and restraint. The successful male often turns his back to the female, pretending to walk away. The female, apparently driven wild with desire and the challenge of courtship, pursues the male aggressively until she gets what she wants. The strategy works so well that a male sage grouse using this technique mates with up to thirty females during one long hectic day, while less successful males mate with none.201

  You can learn a lot from a sage grouse. Never appear too eager for sex. Men often make the mistake of pressing for intercourse after the first or second date. Don’t do it! Drive women wild by holding out as long as you can – even weeks.

  TIP: Slow Down, Romeo

  Be the first to end the interaction. Unlike other men who hang around like puppy dogs, you dictate the tempo of the relationship. You stop the kissing. You stop the touching. You send the girl home.

  Early in a relationship, especially on a first date or budding one-night-stand, a man is faced with two simple choices; push for sex or wait. If you want a woman to keep coming back for more, it is almost always best to wait. And if she seems hungry for casual sex, you can borrow one of my favorite lines: ‘Hey, I’m not that easy.’ If delivered appropriately, in a cocky-funny manner, this one is a crusher. Men almost never reject beautiful women wanting casual sex. I would be less surprised to see a grizzly bear snub a moose carcass or a dog spurn a steak bone than a human male decline no-strings-attached sex with a gorgeous female. It just doesn’t happen.

  The ability to say ‘no’ to a woman, especially with sex in the air, is one of the most potent weapons in your seduction arsenal. First, your self-control sets you apart from the crowd, immediately elevating your status and uniqueness. Suddenly, you’re one-of-a-kind. Second, it signals extreme self-confidence. Third, you’re obviously not needy or clingy. Fourth, you’re dominant and in control. Fifth, you increase your scarcity factor. Sixth and most importantly, you’re a challenge. A woman will find herself confused, intrigued and excited if you don’t seem interested in immediate sex. She will think to herself: ‘Doesn’t he like me? Doesn’t he want to see me again?’ Women love pondering such titillating questions. Remember that most people live dull lives. If you confuse and intrigue a woman, you’re two steps ahead of the average frustrated chump.

  Maintaining this kind of self-control requires practice and willpower. Most men don’t know when to back off, always pushing for more, more, more. They try stealing home from first base.

  One night cruising the Hollywood strip I met a drop-dead gorgeous brunette named ‘Ariel.’ I was smitten! Leggy, busty and beautiful, she was dressed to the nines – a ten out of ten. Her stunning good-looks were an invisible force-field that kept most men at bay, terrified of rejection. I immediately moved in for the kill, and within hours we were sharing life stories over a bottle of Merlot at my penthouse suite above Butterfly Beach. We kissed once, then again, as things heated up quickly. Sex was on the menu; she was willing, but I wasn’t ready. I insisted we should get to know each other better. Since most men desperately want to hit a ‘home run,’ women love the thrill of pursuing a man who is reluctant to go all the way. This sexual role-reversal technique works wonders during the courtship phase. Please heed Mallory Knox’s advice and ‘don’t be so fuckin’ eager.’

  After sex, comes love – sometimes, anyway. For men hoping to turn a casual fling into a wedding ring, restraint is again the ideal strategy. Admitting your love prematurely is like dealing a woman pocket aces and then showing her your cards. Understand this simple truth: a woman needs to love you more than she thinks you love her. Recall that most women have low self-esteem. When you verbalize your infatuation, she will intuitively feel that something is amiss; how could you love her so deeply so soon? Are you lying? Even worse, professing your love lowers your mate value relative to hers. Women make poor poker players, but even a monkey could win with pocket aces.

  Recall what psychologists call the ‘commitment skepticism bias.’ A woman will under-infer a man’s true level of commitment; she will be skeptical if you profess your love too soon. Women are natural skeptics in the dating game, having evolved effective intuition to avoid being duped into sex by men who falsely claim to love them.

  Instead, play hard to get. Avoid her calls occasionally. Arrive fashionably late for dinner dates. Act casual, unconcerned. Most men immediately fall deeply in love with beautiful women. Drive women wild by acting aloof and slightly disinterested. Imagine how a high-status male, like Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt, would react to a gorgeous female groupie. After a quick hookup, would he become obsessed with her, calling her day and night, gushing his love? Not likely. He would have his way with her and then move on, dodging the phone calls and annoying texts. Act the part of a high status male, even if you work at Starbucks. Pretend that you are the catch-of-the-day, not her. Communicate nonverbally, through nonchalance, that she needs to work to keep your interest and attention. One wrong move – and BAM! – you drop her like a hot potato for days. Never let emotions interfere with seduction. Exercise iron self-discipline.

  No Kidding

  ‘I hate this “to be continued” thing on TV. I was watching this show with a friend of mine the other day and I felt it was coming. We were into the story and when there was five minutes left you realize they can’t make it! There is no way to wrap it up in five minutes. The whole reason to watch a TV show is because it ends. If I wanted a long, boring story with no point to it I got my life.’

  Funny? Sure. Self-deprecating? Definitely. The above quotation comes from a 2008 study by superstar evolutionary psychologist Geoffrey Miller and Gil Greengross at the University of New Mexico which found that self-deprecating humor can be an effective weapon in seduction.202

  While David D’Angelo recommends the ‘cocky funny’ routine, recent science suggests that self-deprecating humor might be even more effective in certain situations. In ‘Dissing Oneself: The Sexual Attractiveness of Self-Deprecating Humor,’ researchers at the University of New Mexico asked female students to listen to tape recordings of men talking about themselves, rating them on their sexual attractiveness. Women found the men using self-deprecating humor to be considerably more attractive than those using ‘ordinary’ humor. Lead researcher Gil Greengross explains that ‘Many studies show that a sense of humor is sexually attractive to women but we’ve found that self-deprecating humor is the most attractive of all. People who used this humor were considered to be far more desirable as mates.’203

  When this study hit the news with titles like the Telegraph’s ‘Self-deprecation the key to the art of seduction,’ reporters failed to clarify certain key conclusions of the research. Curious, I pulled a c
opy of the actual scientific study. Omitted from the Telegraph article and other news articles was the conclusion that self-deprecating humor increases attraction for long-term mating rather than casual sex. This is an important distinction for seducers!

  News articles also failed to mention an even more critical conclusion of Geoffrey Miller and Gil Greengross’s study. Women only found high-status males attractive when using self-deprecating humor. Such humor made low-status males even less desirable. Who wants a Burger King employee to make fun of his fryolator skills? Seriously.

  High-status men can afford to bring themselves down to earth a little bit. A high-status male who pokes fun of himself demonstrates self-confidence. In the example at the beginning of this section, women found the man poking fun of his boring life attractive when they believed he was a law student with a whopping 3.8 GPA, but unattractive when he was a student with an undecided major and a much lower GPA. Self-deprecating humor makes high status people more attractive as long-term mates, but renders low-status men even less attractive.

  Stephen King admits, ‘I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.’ That’s true, Stephen, but you have also sold three hundred million books. If a struggling, unpublished writer submitted a manuscript to Random House with such a note, I doubt the publishing company would break down his door to sign a contract.

  CLINIC: The Rope-A-Dope

  Closely related to self-deprecating humor is the ‘rope-a-dope,’ popularized by the championship boxer Mohammed Ali, which should be part of any aspiring seducer’s arsenal of psychological tools.