by Jesse James
Such physiological changes offer distinct adaptive benefits. Purging the body of waste products renders infection less likely in the event the abdomen is punctured. Adrenaline helps us act fast without thinking – in a fight or flight situation, an individual who makes the right move instinctively, without thinking, enjoys a survival advantage over someone who spends a few seconds deliberating. When a lion leaps out from behind a bush, would you rather think or act?
What does fear have to do with seduction? Quite a lot, according to scientists. Psychologists Cindy Meston and Penny Frohlich visited amusement parks in 2001 to examine whether roller coaster riders experience heightened sexual desire. Researchers approached 165 men and 135 women who were either waiting to ride the roller-coaster or had just stepped off it. The psychologists showed each person a photograph of an attractive member of the opposite gender, asking them to rate the individual on sex appeal and dating desirability. Subjects who had just disembarked from the roller-coaster rated the photograph sexier than those who were waiting for the ride. Researchers conclude that ‘arousal from riding a roller-coaster was associated with increased ratings of attractiveness and dating desirability toward a photograph of an opposite-gendered individual.’237
Excitation transfer theory explains why subjects experienced increased attraction after riding a roller-coaster. First described by Zillman in 1971, the theory argues that residual excitement from a previous arousing stimulus or situation serves to intensify a later emotional state. The sympathetic nervous system does not stop pumping adrenaline immediately after a fear-inducing situation has been resolved; rather, it declines relatively slowly. The residual effect of arousal continues long after the initial fight-or-flight response. During this period of lingering excitement, an individual exposed to a subsequent emotion-triggering event, such as a photograph of an attractive person or the sight of a handsome man, might misattribute the residual excitement to their current situation.238
Excitation transfer theory predicts that people who have recently experienced heightened fear or excitement will feel increased attraction to members of the opposite sex during their post-stress adrenaline ‘cool down’ period.
TIP for Women: Some Signs You Might be Dating a Social Psychologist
You’re on a rollercoaster
He’s wearing red
He talks about Calvin Coolidge
He is playing hard to get
He asks you if you’re ovulating (ok, he’s a dumb social psychologist)
Amusement parks offer a bounty of beautiful women in heightened states of arousal, a perfect venue for the aspiring seducer. Because of the connection between fear and arousal, women at amusement parks will find you more attractive than women at bars or nightclubs. Women rarely visit amusement parks looking for romance, so their defences will be down while their arousal level is up.
Want an easy way to get a date? Ask a woman out within a few minutes after she steps off the rollercoaster. Studies show that a woman walking across a college campus will say ‘yes’ at least fifty percent of the time to a random, average-looking man who invites her on a dinner date. In a heightened state of sexual arousal, women disembarking a rollercoaster should say ‘yes’ even more often. Avoid the Ferris Wheel; it’s not sexy.
Closely related to fear, exercise produces the same heart-pounding adrenaline. Like fear, exercise increases attraction and sexual desire. In one major study investigating the relationship between physical activity and sexual behaviour, researchers discovered that students exhibited increased sexual desire following heavy exercise.239
Workout gyms, tennis courts, jogging paths, and other high fitness areas make wonderful places to meet women. Like amusement parks, such venues dramatically outperform bars and clubs, where hordes of hungry young men compete for the attention of a few good-looking ladies. Seduction in a natural setting is, well, more natural.
Many aspiring seducers master all the skills of approaching women, slipping blithely through groups of girls at the clubs, working the sets with smooth and calculated scripts, collecting phone numbers and email addresses with the machine-like precision of a trained surgeon. But when it comes time for the first date, they are as clueless as a man buying underwear for his wife. Nine out of ten first dates involve dinner and a movie. It’s an American classic, right up there with baseball and warm apple pie. And what’s not to love? Everyone likes forced conversation with a stranger, nervous glances at the clock, awkward silences, and the crunchy sound of chomping food. Dinner means boredom and yawns. Medic! We need a shot of adrenaline over here, PRONTO!
For seduction, the only place worse than a restaurant is the morgue. Movie theatres are no better; the darkness of the theatre, combined with the passive entertainment, creates a mental delirium. You might as well inject your date with horse tranquillizer.
Forget the classic ‘dinner and a movie.’ Instead, think fear and fitness. You can exploit the libido-enhancing effect of exercise by inviting your potential lover on a fitness-oriented date, such as jogging, hiking in the forest, playing tennis, swimming, or some other outdoor activity that gets the blood pumping to all areas of the body.
Feeling bold? Use fear to increase her attraction to you by leading her on a scary, adrenaline-pounding date. Invite her on a real adventure, such as hang-gliding, sky-diving, rock climbing, scuba-diving, or some other heart-racing activity. The boost of adrenaline makes you look extra good, while the excitement and novelty of the date itself puts you a notch above your rivals. Fear will create bonding and attachment, as she learns to rely on you in times of danger and stress. Boldness itself is sexy; women absolutely adore risk-taking men with a sense of adventure.
Windows to Attraction
‘It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight.’
- Vladimir Nabokov, ‘Lolita’
Some people claim eyes are windows to the soul, but psychologists found them to be windows to attraction. Prolonged eye contact not only increases sexual desire but can even make a woman fall in love. It almost doesn’t matter what you say – talk about the weather, baseball, Michael Jackson, pinball machines. Fight the urge to look away. The longer you maintain eye contact with a woman, the greater her feelings of sexual attraction towards you.
Men tend to glance away while talking with women, especially during cold approaches. Shyness, timidity and social norms prohibit extended eye contact.
Recent experiments have shown that gazing into a woman’s eyes can trigger an emotional attraction response. A 1993 study by Glen Williams and Chris Kleinke at the University of Alaska found that mutual gaze increased the participants’ heart rates and blood pressure. Scientists selected 30 men and 30 women who had previously never met and instructed them under laboratory test conditions to stare into each others’ eyes for a period of three minutes without speaking. Subjects reported high levels of romantic interest in their partners, manifesting physiological symptoms of attraction such as increased heart rate and higher blood pressure.240
In a more recent study by Joan Kellerman published in the Journal of Research in Personality, 96 subjects were paired up and asked to gaze at each others’ eyes or hands for 2 minutes. Participants reported feelings of intense passionate love after just two minutes of mutual gaze. The researchers conclude that ‘subjects who were gazing at their partner’s eyes, and whose partner was gazing back reported significantly higher feelings of affection than subjects in any other condition.’241
Another study had strangers reveal intimate details of their lives to each other for half an hour, then look into each other’s eyes for 4 minutes. Some of the participants even ended up getting married.
Extended eye contact makes us feel uncomfortable; do it anyway. Avoid the temptation to look away. The scientific verdict on eye contact is clear; the longer you maintain your gaze, the greater the woman’s attraction. Look directly into a woman’s eyes when speaking and listening.
Recall that seduction is a game of incomplete i
nformation; seducers face the challenging problem of judging a woman’s level of interest. For psychological and pragmatic reasons, a man wants to avoid making a fool of himself during seduction. Moving in for a kiss prematurely risks rejection or, worse, a slap on the face. An invitation to leave the club for ‘some place more quiet’ could be a game-ending blunder if the woman awkwardly declines, ruining the mood. How can the skillful seducer judge a woman’s true level of attraction?
Pupils give the game away. During an approach or interaction, gauge a woman’s attraction by paying attention to her pupils. Dilated pupils signify sexual desire. Pupils dilate when a woman (or a man) experiences heightened attraction. Women will rarely invite increased sexual advances openly. A blatant invitation to move in for a kiss would spoil the game; men are expected to initiate a bold move, risking rejection. Why take such a risk? Like the poker player who gives away his hand by unconsciously stroking his nose, dilated pupils provide a clear physiological (and uncontrollable) indicator of interest. When you can see your opponent’s hole cards, the bold move becomes risk-free.
In addition to signifying attraction, dilated pupils also increase sex appeal. This is ancient wisdom illuminated by modern science. Over five centuries ago, Italian women used extract from the Belladonna plant to dilate their pupils as a way to seduce men. In the seminal work on pupil size, Professor E.H. Hess in 1965 discovered that men rated women’s faces as more attractive when shown drawings of female faces with larger pupils.242
Practical applications for pupil dilation abound. Dim lighting causes our pupils to dilate as they expand to allow more light to reach the retina. Candlelight dinners provide a stimulating prerequisite for sex because the dim lighting causes pupil dilation for both man and woman, mutually increasing attraction.
On a dinner date, excuse yourself to the washroom and turn out the lights. Your pupils will dilate in an effort to receive more light to the retina.
Always dim the lights in your home before going out ‘hunting’ at clubs and bars. Assuming your seduction succeeds and a woman accepts your invitation for a few more drinks in the comfort of your home, dimming the lights upon entry may seem too bold.
Dilate your pupils prior to approaching a woman. In a recent 2002 study conducted by Selina Toombs and Erwin Silverman, females rated males with medium or large pupils considerably more attractive than males with small pupils. Dilate your pupils by tensing your stomach, going into a dark room, picturing something that gives you an adrenaline rush, focusing on objects that are far away, or thinking about something (or someone) that you love or hate. Extreme emotions and adrenaline enlarge the pupils, which is one reason exercise increases attraction. Practice with these pupil dilation techniques using a mirror or smartphone camera.243
You know what they say about a man with big pupils.
Chemical Lovefare
Put that rubber away, pilgrim. Science proves that internal ejaculation triggers a ‘long term pair bond’ response. The chemicals in semen produce a feeling of closeness with her partner, which makes good evolutionary sense. During the ancestral environment, a woman who bonded with her lover after intercourse enjoyed survival advantages over a woman who did not. Sex makes babies; somebody has to feed and protect those babies. It is better to keep the father around than to kick him out of bed.
Semen is a proven mood elevator. Gordon Gallup of SUNY conducted a study who surveyed 293 college women about depression and sexual history. He found that women who had sex without condoms were considerably less depressed than women who used condoms regularly. They were also happier than women who reported not having sex at all.
Next time a woman asks you to put on a condom, tell her you’re just trying to save her life. According to the same study by Gordon Gallup, women who practiced condom-less sex experienced a reduced suicide rate compared to women who regularly used condoms. More than 13 percent of women who reported frequent condom use had attempted suicide, while only five percent of women who never used condoms admitted to a suicide attempt. Gallup’s findings suggest that semen contains powerful anti-depressant chemicals, the prime suspects being estrogen and prostaglandins.
According to psychologist Roy Levin, the mood-enhancing effects of semen may have evolved as a ‘reward’ adaptation for sexually active females. Whatever the evolutionary reason, semen is undeniably absorbed into the woman’s blood stream through the walls of the vagina. And apparently it does a body good.244
Unprotected sex also elevates female desire. Prostaglandin E, one of the mood elevating chemicals found in semen, increases blood flow to the genitals. Testosterone from semen enters a woman’s bloodstream after sex. Low testosterone levels are a major cause of decreased sexual desire in women. By not using condoms when having sex, you will be improving your lover’s mood, increasing her lifespan, and boosting her sexual desire.
All well and good, but can anyone say ‘chlamydia?’
How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways
What is romantic love, anyway? Psychologists have been trying to answer this question since psychology was invented. Poets have been rhyming about love for as long as they’ve been writing poetry. But until recently, no one could answer the simple question; ‘what is love and what purpose does it serve?’
The first question that needs addressing is whether love is a biological or cultural phenomenon. Psychologist and author Lawrence Casler once said, ‘I don’t believe love is part of human nature, not for a minute. There are social pressures at work.’ This dreamy, unrealistic hypothesis fails to explain why love pervades each and every culture in the history of mankind. If love were a purely cultural phenomenon, then it wouldn’t exist in some cultures. This much is obvious, at least to everyone but Dr. Casler.245
Evolutionary psychology enters the fray at the opposite end of the spectrum, denying cultural elements of love entirely. Always pragmatists, evolutionary psychologists define romantic love as a survival adaptation. Helpless for at least a decade, human children require the collaboration of two parents to provide food, shelter, and clothing. The pair-bonding emotion between man and woman - which we call love - ensures that the mother and father stick together long enough to care for the young. Whereas ungulates like deer are born ‘ready to go’ and wolf pups are raised collectively by the pack, helpless human babies require the dedicated efforts of a mom and dad. In the ancestral environment, a single mother would have faced tremendous challenges in raising a child alone.
So, is romantic love merely a basic biological function like taking a shit or chugging a glass of water? Perhaps, but more likely love contains elements of both ‘nature’ and ‘nurture,’ as evidenced by the differences in love styles across cultures. In an excellent cross-cultural study titled ‘Love: American style, Russian style, and Japanese style,’ Dr. Elaine Hatfield found differences in men and women’s attitudes towards love in three very different cultures. She found that while love was prevalent in Russian, American and Japanese culture, young men and women reported different romantic experiences, attachment types and love styles in each culture. While evolution answers the question of why we love, culture seems to determine how we love.246
Psychologist John Lee developed his theory of ‘love styles’ in 1973, an idea expanded on by Clyde and Susan Hendrick of Texas Tech University in the 1980s. Lee identified six distinct ‘styles of love,’ ranging from passionate physical love to selfless altruistic love. According to the Texas Tech University researchers, female love tends toward affection and pragmatism, while male love more often involves game-playing.247
Relationships between partners with similar love styles tend to last longer. The principle of ‘assortative mating’ reminds us that we like people who are similar to ourselves, both mentally and physically.
Lee’s primary love styles are modeled on those identified by the ancient Greeks. Which love style do you fit into?
EROS
The Eros love style is characterized by passionate physical and emotional love an
d often deep commitment. Many people believe that the Eros style is the truest and most complete form of love. Eros, appropriately enough, was the Greek god of love.
Eros lovers believe in love at first sight, tending fall in love quickly and completely. Erotic lovers tend to be serial monogamists and ‘love addicts,’ falling out of love as quickly as they fell into it, once the chemicals of attraction wear off. Relationships last a few years, then dissolve rapidly.
LUDUS
The Latin word ludus concerned games, sports and play. Popular among Dark Triad personalities and pickup artists, the ludus love style involves games and conquest. Love is a zero-sum game with a winner and loser. Ludus lovers tend to have multiple partners and experience difficulty forming emotional connections.
Ludic lovers despise dependencies, shying away from commitment and emotional bonding. Lotharios such as Gabriele D’Anunzio and Casanova were classic ludic lovers. Modern pickup artists such as Mystery, Neil Strauss and Paul Janka fit squarely into this category.
STORGE
Storge is the Greek word for natural affection, such as the love between parent and child. The Storgic form of love is an affectionate love that develops slowly from a close friendship based on similarity between the two partners. The principle of ‘assortative mating’ plays a strong role in Storgic love. The storgic love style is characterized by interdependency, rapport, self-revelation, and fulfillment of mutual needs.
The other three styles of love - pragma, mania and agape - are considered secondary love styles, mishmashes of the three primary categories described above.
The pragma style combines ludic and storgic love to create a pattern of affection driven by the head rather than the heart. Pragmatic lovers form a coalition to achieve a certain goal, such as starting a company together, raising a family, or combing incomes to buy a home. Mania is a combination of eros and ludus, obsessive love characterized by high passion, extreme jealousy, peaks and valleys of emotions. The agape style combines eros and storge to create a selfless altruistic love.