by Jesse James
How would you rate your own love style? You can take a self-assessment test in the appendix to this book.
The Triangular Theory of Love
Psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed a ‘triangular theory of love,’ arguing that the three components of love are intimacy, passion and compassion. Sternberg defines passion as physical attraction, intimacy as emotional and psychological closeness, and commitment as one’s intention to make the relationship last. Different combinations of these three elements create different types of love. Sternberg maintains that relationships built on two or more elements endure longer than those based on just a single component.248
The balance between intimacy, passion and compassion is likely to shift throughout a relationship, but the ‘love styles’ (a la John Lee) of the two partners ultimately determine the nature of the relationship, ranging from simple liking to consummate love. Sternberg identified the following types of love:
Liking
According to Sternberg, this is the intimate liking that characterizes true friendships, in which one partner feels warmth, closeness and bonding but not passion or long-term commitment.
Infatuated Love
Infatuation leads to one-night stands, unplanned pregnancies and google searches for ‘chlamydia symptoms.’ Characterized by ‘puppy-dog’ love or love at first sight, infatuated love may burn brightly for a short time and then quickly die out.
Empty Love
You should probably not phone home to inform your parents of their ‘empty love’ relationship. Sometimes passion fades, but commitment remains, resulting in the sad phenomenon of ‘empty love.’ This occurs frequently in married couples, who often remain committed for the sake of the children even when real love and lust has long since vanished.
Romantic Love
Romantic lovers enjoy a strong physical and emotional bond characterized by both passion and commitment, although the feeling tends to fade rapidly as the chemicals of attraction wear off.
Companionate Love
Companionate love characterizes many long-term relationships and multi-decade marriages, in which the passion and sexual desire have faded, while deep affection and commitment remain.
Fatuous Love
Romeo and Juliet hardly knew each other, yet they fell head-over-heels in lust and agreed to gladly die for their love, which they promptly did. Fatuous love involves a rapid courtship and marriage with commitment motivated almost entirely by passion rather than bonding or intimacy. Fatuous love tends to burn out as quickly as it burned bright.
Consummate Love
Consummate love, according to Sternberg, represents the most complete form of love toward which many couples strive, but few achieve. Consummate love involves a perfect blending of passion, intimacy, desire, bonding, commitment and romance, but Sternberg warns that ‘even the greatest of loves can die.’
image credit: Wikipedia
Can you guess which form of love aspiring seducers should attempt to create? If you are interested in a one-night stand or short-term casual sex, you want to encourage infatuated love. Building the conditions necessary for infatuation to blossom involves sending mixed signals, exploiting the scarcity principle, psychological reactance theory, operant conditioning, stirring jealousy, and using the vast kit of psychological tools available in this book.
Jealousy: Playing With Fire
When South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was busted returning from a sexual escapade with his beautiful Argentine mistress in June of 2013, he defended himself by telling the Associated Press he had met his ‘soul mate.’ He seemed to suggest that his deep emotional and spiritual connection to Maria Chapur made his marital infidelity less crude. The poor Governor deeply misunderstood female psychology.
Men and women experience most emotions in a similar way. A charging lion triggers an immediate fear response whether you have chest hair or breasts. Will Smith is funny whether you squat to pee or stand up. The death of a parent causes sadness no matter your gender.
But when it comes to jealousy, men and women experience the emotion in different ways. It should come as no surprise that the discrepancy in jealousy between the genders emerges from their different reproductive roles.
Because fertilization occurs internally, men confronted the problem of fatherhood determination throughout human history. A woman can always be sure that her child is actually her own, while a man can never be fully confident in his parentage (unless he pays for genetic testing). Because a man invests his time and resources in raising the young, his mate’s sexual infidelity would raise questions about his paternity, possibly causing him to unwittingly invest his resources in raising another man’s child. Since cuckolding is a one-way ticket to genetic oblivion, male jealousy centers on sexual infidelity.
And men have good reason to worry. Emma Bovary looms large. According to one source, at least 12 percent of women in long-term mating partnerships become impregnated by men other than their husbands. In some urban areas more than 25% of children – that’s one in every four - are sired by someone other than the father of record.249
The evolutionary purpose of male jealousy is to avoid the tremendous genetic risk of investing in another man’s bastard child. Since becoming a cuckold is a swift ticket to the genetic dustbin, it makes sense that men have evolved a fear of it.
Indeed, a terror. Renowned sexual psychologist David Buss devised an experiment to demonstrate the different physiological reactions that men and women experience when asked to imagine an unfaithful partner. Hooking men up to electrodes to monitor their vital signs, Buss asked men to imagine their wives in bed with a male lover performing various indecent acts. When a man imagined his wife being unfaithful, his heart rate shot up, his palms sweated and his brow wrinkled. The effect was equivalent to drinking three cups of coffee in quick succession. When asked to imagine a budding emotional relationship between a wife and a lover, the men calmed down. For women, the inverse was true; imagining emotional infidelity triggered the severe stress response, while thinking about their husbands having casual sex with a stranger produced only mild physiological symptoms.250
So the difference in male and female jealousy should now be crystal clear. Men evolved a jealousy of sexual infidelity because it exposes them to cuckoldry, while women evolved a jealousy of emotional infidelity because it exposes them to desertion.
How can jealousy be exploited in the realm of practical seduction?
Triggering female jealousy will make a woman like you more. Jealousy causes us to want to possess our partner. It’s almost as if we feel a sense of ownership over our lover’s genitals, much like we own a new car or flat-screen TV.
Women are fiercely competitive, competing for the best genes in the male population. Exploit female competition by stirring up jealousy. Get downright Shakespearean if you have to.
Remember the double-wineglass tactic? Leaving two wineglasses by your bed is a great way to implant jealous thoughts in your subject’s head. It is also a rather dirty trick prone to backfire, so please use caution.
You can also play the ‘other girl’ card. By the stern logic of social proof, women need to know that other girls like you too. And the fact that other girls like you will also trigger a jealousy response. For example, while on a casual date you might mention another girl. ‘Hey, I really like you but there’s something we need to talk about. You want me to be open and honest with you, right?’ She nods. ‘Okay, well, there is this other girl who has been texting me and emailing me a lot, and we’ve hung out a few times too. She’s coming back in a couple weeks. I’m not in love with her or anything … and I really like being with you, so honestly I’m kind of confused.’ Women love to hear how they ‘confuse’ you. Expect your subject to ask all kinds of questions about the other girl. Paint her as the picture of perfection; beautiful, cool, athletic, fun to be around.
Play this hand well or risk losing your stack. If your subject senses you are lying, she may never forgive you. Nob
ody likes to feel manipulated. This maneuver works much better if there really is another girl. Even if you aren’t interested in the contender, string her along to create jealousy.
When we are shopping for something – a car, a house, a computer, whatever – we put the item on a pedestal until we purchase it. Oh, the house is perfect. Oh, the car is so sleek and sexy. Oh, the laptop is so high-tech. Our strong desire to acquire and possess the item is what makes it so appealing, enhancing its otherwise ordinary traits. Once we make the purchase, we start noticing all the drawbacks; bad gas mileage, a roof that leaks, lack of hard drive space. The same goes for interpersonal sexual relationships. During the courtship phase, before we fully ‘possess’ a partner, we idolize him or her, paying attention to all the positive traits and generally ignoring the negatives. But after leaving the checkout line, the magic disappears.
By provoking jealousy, you can ensure that your subject will never fully possess you. Since she doesn’t own you, she can’t get bored. Let the emotion of jealousy mask your flaws for as long as you keep the flame alive.
Another advantage of jealousy is increased sex. A woman’s natural reaction to female mate competition is to boost her physical appeal and to offer more sex. Intercourse with a jealous woman is usually better and more fulfilling for the man, since the woman’s objective is not to seek sexual pleasure for herself but to give sexual pleasure to the man. She is trying to outperform the competition.
You can also use jealousy to break down what pickup artists call ‘last minute resistance.’ Last minute resistance crops up when a woman resists sex after an extended session of ‘fooling around,’ usually because she doesn’t want to feel like a slut. Make her jealous of another woman and watch her reservations evaporate as she tries to claim you for herself.
You can casually insert mental triggers for jealousy into almost any conversation. Mention how attractive other women find you – in a playful, non-threatening manner. Describe how a woman made a pass at you, brushed up against you seductively, or asked for your phone number. Minor flirting with another woman in your partner’s presence is sure to create jealousy; often just a smile will do.
Talk about previous lovers. Discussing your relationship history is a great way to force your subject to compare herself to other females. She will try to improve herself and make you happy in order to compete with past girlfriends. Do not be afraid to embellish the truth. The women in your life were beautiful, intelligent, and classy – right? If you can make a woman compete with a myth, you are one step ahead of the competition.
Stoke the embers of jealousy, but be careful; when playing with such a powerful emotion, the fire could easily get out of hand. The world doesn’t need another Lorraine Bobbitt.
Epilogue
A Tale of Two Charles
‘He will hold thee, when his passion shall have spent its novel force, something better than his dog, a little dearer than his horse.’
– Alfred Lord Tennyson
Charles Darwin wasn’t a good looking man by any stretch of the imagination. Overweight and sickly, his prospects for marriage seemed grim prior to departing on the Beagle on 28 December, 1831, the epic five year journey that catapulted him to fame. Apparently unsure whether he wanted to cash in his status to find a long-term mate or enjoy life as a philandering bachelor, he made a list in his notebook labeled ‘Marry’ and another labeled ‘Not Marry.’ In the pro-marriage column he wrote ‘children - (if it Please God) - Constant companion, & friend in old age who will feel interest in one, -object to be beloved & played with.’ He modified the final sentence with the words ‘better than a dog, anyhow.’
It is nice to know that the most famous biologist of all-time believed that a woman was ‘better than a dog.’ Thanks, Darwin, for your insight.
While one Charles was studying barnacles, another Charles was writing about life in the slums of London and Paris. Charles Dickens became the most famous writer of the Victorian era and one of the best-selling authors of all time. While Charles Darwin did not actually treat his wife like a dog (they were happily married), Charles Dickens most certainly did. In fact, he discarded his aging spouse like so many bad potatoes when an eighteen-year-old beauty came along. Darwin cashed in his fame for a long-term commitment with a loyal and devoted wife, while Dickens robbed the cradle.
I realize that the information provided in this book puts women on the wrong end of a gun. I have given the reader the knowledge and tools required to seduce and romantically manipulate women - a psychological machine gun, if you will. Like a gun, this knowledge is not inherently good or bad, but it can be used for good or bad purposes. Women, knowing the danger, can avoid the gun while men, wielding it, pursue them. The more things change …
As a man, you now possess the psychological tools to attract multiple casual sex partners or find a meaningful long-term mate. While other men give women what they say they want, you give them what they really desire, deep down in their heart of hearts; a man in charge.
Will you emulate the sexual hedonism of Charles Dickens or the loyalty of Charles Darwin? The choice is yours.
Appendix A
10 Easy Steps to Sex Appeal
Physical
Step 1: Dress Well
Dress for success. Nice clothes suggest high status, financial resources, and attention to detail. A recent study found that ‘nearly three-quarters (78 percent) of women assert one of the hottest things a guy can do is to dress well.’
Improving your wardrobe is a relatively inexpensive and painless way to dramatically increase your success in the realm of seduction.
Step 2: Groom Well
Never appear slovenly or unkempt. You don’t need to adopt the clean-shaven look of a Wall Street stockbroker, but whatever hairstyle you choose should be kept maintained and groomed. Wild hair and a bushy beard only works if you are very, very rich. Women often believe that a slovenly appearance suggests the man does not respect himself. And if you don’t respect yourself, how will she ever respect you?
Step 3: Improve Hygiene
Bad breath, untrimmed nails and foul body odor will not win you any points with women. Women believe that how you treat yourself suggests how you will treat other people – namely them. Do you put care and attention into your hygiene or do you let yourself go to hell?
Step 4: Get in Shape
You have little or no control over some aspects of your physical appearance, such as facial features or height. But anyone can get in shape and develop a more V-shaped torso by working out. A pot belly will not destroy your chances of seduction, but a shapely torso and sexy muscles will obviously give you a boost. Looking good is even more important when seeking casual sex.
Step 5: Improve Posture
Slouching is a major turnoff for women. Maintaining a strong, upright posture suggests self-confidence, dominance, self-control and authority. Do you see politicians slouching? Never. Yoga is a great way to improve your posture with the added benefit of meeting beautiful women.
Personality
Step 1: Act More Confident
Confidence is the sexiest personality trait you can develop. If you aren’t confident, you will never be the hero and you’ll never, ever get the girl.
Confidence is associated with high status, authority, strength, power, wealth, and intelligence. High confidence men handle your stock trades, treat your heart condition, and help you sue the guy who rear-ended your BMW. Low confidence men hand you a large fries and Coke at the Burger King window.
Women will believe almost anything you say provided you do not show the faintest shadow of diffidence; they will detect the tiniest crack in your armor of confidence before you even express it. The trick is to be as smooth as possible in manners and personal affectations. Think James Bond.
Step 2: Embrace Mystery
Not for nothing is the world’s most prominent (though hardly the best) pickup artist called ‘Mystery.’
Don’t give everything away on the first date.
Let women try to figure you out. Women absolutely love a puzzle. Most men are so dull, boring and obvious that women lose interest and attention in them almost immediately. Don’t be afraid to keep secrets. Be a little vague. Take a page out of Andy Warhol’s book and say the minimum. You’re an enigma, got it?
Step 3: Become Spontaneous and Unpredictable
Wimps are predictable. Real men, never.
Excite and intrigue a woman by sending mixed signals. Women love mismatched communication, such as a spank followed by a kiss. Keep her guessing, ok? She never knows what to expect.
Sending mixed signals and acting unpredictably slots you into the ‘casual sex’ category. Long-term mates need to be stable, so these techniques will backfire if you want her to view you as Marriage Material.
Use the ‘flirt then freeze’ play. One minute you’re showing interest – flirting – and the next minute you withdraw, freezing up. When a woman does not know what to expect, she becomes much more interested. Confusion is closely related to intrigue. You might be hard to pin down, but at least you’re not dull. Nothing kills seduction faster than boredom.
Women often define their self-worth based on the level of male interest expressed towards them. Most men fawn over hot women; when you use the freeze-out play, you will frustrate and excite your subject.
Women love the challenge of figuring out what makes you tick. Sending mixed signals suggests your wild, unpredictable streak. When you’re close to a woman on a date at home or in a bar, try saying ‘maybe we should just be friends’ and moving in quickly for a kiss. She will have no idea what this means but she will find it exciting, even thrilling.