I didn’t even know why I was in LA. I’d been here more times than I could count since Bunny moved. So, maybe I did actually know why I was in LA. I was slowly going insane and all I could think about was the possibility of something happening to her out here while I was in Landing.
It wasn’t healthy. Nothing that I’d been doing was healthy. I never made the effort to contact her because one rejection from my mate was enough, but I liked to make sure she was okay. It was torture, though. She wasn’t aware of it, but I saw her every time I came to LA. Just once. That was all I allowed myself because it felt as tough my heart was being ripped out each time.
Bunny never looked happy. I knew that she couldn’t be. The mate bond kind of took over after a while. Your body craved your mate for survival. Denying yourself time with your mate made it easy to become depressed and lonely.
I’d already made my one visit to see Bunny, so I knew it was time to go home. I wanted to drive by her job again to catch her leaving, but I wouldn’t do it. I saw her once and that was it.
I headed towards the airport and tried my hardest to direct my thoughts to anything else in the world. Nothing had been able to take my mind off of her so far, but I had to keep trying.
I’d spent the first couple of months after leaving Bunny, completely alone. I’d broken it off with Mandy right away and then she’d informed me that she wasn’t leaving my home. I was over it, so I just agreed to whatever she wanted and stayed gone. When I found out they’d moved on, I went back home.
What I found was painful, though. Everything smelled like Bunny. The whole house had her touch, her scent, everywhere. She’d changed the sheets back to my flannel ones and she’d left a note saying I could throw the new ones out if I wanted. It was like she’d rubbed herself against all of my shit.
I’d nearly gone insane after one night, rolling around in her smell, so the next day I opened all of the doors and windows, hoping to get some relief. So far, no relief.
There I was again, headed home to sit in silence with the smell of wild cherries wreaking havoc on my brain and the piece of shit book that I couldn’t seem to figure out. I didn’t know how much longer I could handle this.
*****Bunny*****
I spent the weekend talking to Star and finishing reading the book. I ended up even reading parts of it aloud to her, to her dismay. She just wanted to talk about her new mate and how she couldn’t imagine not being with him for so long, because just the weekend away from him was killing her. She wasn’t exactly the best audience for a girl like me, who was currently suffering.
I was almost glad when it was time to head in to work on Monday morning. Star’s mate would have returned and I could get back to trying to pretend as though my life wasn’t one big revolving door of sadness over him. Him, whom I couldn’t even name. It hurt to say his name and I’d been avoiding it.
I’d finished the James Smith book and it had also left me reeling. For some reason, I felt about as helpless about it as I did about him. I felt a strange attachment to the thing. Maybe, it was because one of the few memories I had at his house was of me throwing James Smith books at him. I didn’t know. I just knew that it left me oddly anxious.
Mandy came in for lunch and plopped down across from my desk. “I almost wish I hadn’t asked you to get that book for me on Friday. I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t think I’ve ever finished a book so fast.”
My chest tightened. “I read it, too. It’s definitely darker than his other books.”
She frowned and shook her head. “It’s just really sad. If I’d known he was taking it so hard, I would’ve stepped in and tried to help him.”
My eyebrows slammed together as confusion riddled me. “What do you mean?”
“It’s just so obvious that this book is so dark because he is in a bad head space. He’s hurting. It’s because of our break up. I figured he’d have a hard time with it, but I didn’t realize it would be quite this bad. Did you read the message at the front?”
I nodded. It’d been one of the parts that hit me the hardest.
Mandy recited it. “Come back home.”
My chest ached again and I stood up from my desk and walked over to the window. “You think that’s because of a break up?”
“Well, duh.”
“I didn’t know you’d dated anyone since-”
“John. Yeah. He’s who I’m talking about. You can’t tell anyone this, but John is James Smith. It’s a big secret. I signed some kind of legal form saying I wouldn’t reveal it, but really? Who are you going to tell? You don’t know anyone.”
I spun around to face her. “What did you say?”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so sensitive. I didn’t mean it in a bad way.”
I waved her off. “No, before that. John is James Smith? John, your ex? From Wyoming?”
She gave me a weird look and nodded slowly. “Yes. John is James Smith. He’s apparently really torn up about our separation. I’d heard some of the early reviews were saying that he got really dark and something must be going on, so I had to read it as soon as possible. He was such a hunk. Maybe I’ll call him. He clearly is devastated by losing me.”
I felt like my knees were going to give out so I rushed back to my desk chair and fell into it. John was James Smith.
Was the mate connection so strong that I could feel him through the book?
Did he mean his message to me?
Did he still want me?
My heart was pounding so hard that it drowned out whatever else Mandy was saying.
Wasn’t it too late?
CHAPTER 13: Bunny
I drove myself crazy for a week. A week spent questioning myself and debating with myself about whether or not John’s cryptic message was even meant for me, or if I could even do it. If I could go back and try to have something with him. My ex had left such a bad taste in my mouth that I couldn’t imagine life with any man again, much less another bear shifter. I couldn’t stop thinking that things would turn out the same as with my ex.
Star assured me that it wouldn’t be like that. She’d started to settle down nicely with her bear. I just didn’t know if that could be possible for me.
I didn’t know John. I knew that my body wanted him and I couldn’t deny that there was something about him that called to me on an emotional level, but I was terrified of it.
There were so many fears and doubts. I hardly ate that week because my stomach was always tied in knots. My anxiety was through the roof and I messed up more at my job that week than ever before. I made the mistake of not recognizing a pretty well-known actor and the guy flipped out on everyone in the office. Which led to Mr. Scott flipping out on me. I barely noticed, though. My mind was definitely somewhere else.
At the end of the week, Mandy came in and sat in front of me again, this time a lot less cheerful. She wiped at her eyes, even though there were no tears, and pouted until I asked her what was wrong.
“Well, you know how I told you about John obviously being depressed about our relationship ending?”
I’d been holding a paper coffee cup and when she mentioned his name, my fingers twitched and I ended up crushing the cup. Coffee went everywhere on my desk, and my lap. I jumped up and grabbed a roll of paper towels from the kitchen next to my office and rushed back in to clean it up. I couldn’t meet Mandy’s eyes as I blotted at my once white shirt.
“I remember.”
“I called him and we talked for a while. He had the nerve to tell me that the message wasn’t about me. He said he met someone else- and it was about her!”
I coughed and continued to work on my desk. My heart was racing. Did he mean me? “That’s uncomfortable.”
She scoffed. “It was embarrassing as hell. He said he met the little bitch right around the time we ended and she left him. It broke his heart, yada, yada, yada. I think he cheated on me.”
Mandy didn’t need me to look like I was actively listening to her, so she went on. “She left
him and they haven’t spoken since, but apparently, he’s hoping she comes back to him. He told me all of that like I was supposed to care. I’ll tell you one thing, Bunny, he was never that sentimental when he was with me. It’s such bullshit. What was so wrong with me that he didn’t feel that way about me?”
I tried to answer, but my tongue felt like it had swollen up to the size of a golf ball. John wanted me back.
“I’m attractive and I’m nice! I’m also a lot of fun! What does a guy like that not see in me? It’s infuriating. I have half a mind to out him. Wouldn’t that just serve him right? Having a crowd of reporters show up at his front door. He’d die.”
Irrational anger threatened to erupt out of me. I chomped down on my tongue and gripped the back of my chair.
“I’m better than that, though. Just like I’m sure I’m better than the woman he cheated on me with. It was probably some little backwoods hussy he found in Wyoming. A mountain-dwelling nobody whose uncle is also her brother.”
I slammed my hand down on my desk. “Mandy. This is a man you broke up with months ago. There’s no need to dwell on him. He’s clearly depressed enough, as it is. You’re better than this.”
Her eyes lit up, forever the self-help addict. “Oh, my gosh. You’re so right. It’s just so easy to get caught up in the negative. I just need to forget about all of this. Maybe I’ll burn his book to clean out my energy.”
I just wanted her out of my office. “That would really be good. Just don’t do it in here.”
She rolled her eyes and stood up. “Duh. I’ll see you later. Thanks, Bunny.”
After she left, I sat there, contemplating my next move. I couldn’t just ignore him. Not anymore. I had to make some sort of concrete decision. I also had to find a way to apologize to Mandy for what happened with John. Despite everything, I still felt bad for what I’d done.
I contemplated my life and kept coming up with the same answer. I hated my job and I hated living in LA. LA was nice, but it wasn’t for me. I had plenty of money saved up. I could take my time looking for a job in Wyoming and not have to rush into something I hated. Even if in the end I decided that I couldn’t be with John, I would be closer to Star and in a place I enjoyed living.
With that realization in my head, I walked into Mr. Scott’s office and tried to smile at him. I was beyond nervous, but I knew what I had to do.
“What is it, Bonnie?”
“I need to talk to you, Mr. Scott. About working here.”
He looked up from his cell phone and sighed. “Are you giving me two weeks to find someone else, at least?”
I nodded. “Yes, sir. I wouldn’t leave you empty handed.”
He barked out a rough laugh. “I’m never empty handed, Bailey. Alright. Two weeks it is. Have you told my daughter? She seems to like you. I’m sure she’ll be sad to see you go.”
I didn’t actually believe that. Mandy didn’t like anyone who didn’t get her more views on her social media sites. “I’ll email her. Thank you, sir.”
He waved me away. “I’ll contact HR and have them draw up paperwork and some sort of package.”
I turned to leave but he cleared his throat. “Yes, sir? Anything else?”
“Don’t think I’m going to expect any less of you for the next two weeks. You slack and you’re out of here, on your ass, with nothing but the trash bag you came to town with.”
It was an exaggeration. I’d come with suitcases. Instead of correcting him, I nodded and left.
Just two weeks. Two weeks until I had to make a final decision about what to do with John.
CHAPTER 14: John
“Jesus, John.” Alex was flat on his back, breathing heavily after a round of fighting. “You need to figure this shit out. I can’t keep fighting with you every day. I’m getting too old for this.”
“You’re younger than me.” I was on my back next to him, aching in places that I hadn’t ached in a while.
“I don’t fucking care. This is getting out of hand. Elizabeth is pissed at you. She’s already planning to slap the hell out of you the next time she sees you. If I come home exhausted from wrestling with you one more night, we’re both dead men. Her words.”
“You know what? I may consider putting my head on the chopping block for her.” I blew out a rough breath and sat up. “How the fuck did you manage this, Alex?”
He threw his arm over his face and grunted. “I didn’t beat the shit out of everyone constantly, that’s for sure.”
“I just want the incessant pain to go away. I keep hoping that one of these days, you’re going to hit me hard enough to make me forget. I should pick a fight with Matt. He’d probably fucking do it.”
“You’re never going to forget, asshole. She’s your mate. There is no forgetting. I’ll tell you one thing, though. This pain you’re feeling? She’s feeling it, too. She’ll come back. Or you’ll finally give in and go get her.”
I pulled myself to my feet and staggered for a few steps. We’d really let each other have it this time. “I’m sorry I keep doing this to you, brother. I just feel like I’m going crazy.”
“I get it. Why do you think I’m back here for more every day?”
I helped him up and then we both made our way to my truck. “I’ll figure it out. It’s got to hurt less eventually, right?”
Alex gave me a look that said that he doubted it. “Why don’t you come inside and have dinner with us? Everyone’s here.”
I looked up at the house and imagined sitting at the table with my four brothers, their mates and their children. No way. I looked away from Alex and shook my head. “Thanks for the offer. I’m heading home. A nice long swim in the lake sounds good right about now.”
He patted me on the shoulder. “Take care of yourself. Come on back tomorrow, too, if you need to. I’ll handle Elizabeth.”
I nodded and drove into town. I needed to grab something for dinner, so I stopped at the general store. I drew plenty of stares in my still healing state. I was sure I looked a lot like death warmed over, but I didn’t give a shit.
I grabbed a case of beer and a loaf of bread, resigning myself to a night of peanut butter sandwiches. I was just putting my stuff on the counter when I looked up and caught a glimpse of a tall strawberry blonde strolling past the store.
My stomach dropped into my boots. I felt light headed. It couldn’t be her.
“You going to pay for that?”
I looked back at the cashier and grunted. “I’ll be right back.”
I couldn’t not check it out. I had to be sure that it wasn’t her. I rushed out of the store and looked in the direction she’d gone. Nothing. It was like she’d vanished. It didn’t stop me from walking down the street, peering into stores and down alleys.
When I realized she wasn’t there, and probably never had been, I trudged back to the general store to paid for my things before heading home. My heart was heavier than ever. I was almost ready to check myself in somewhere because I felt a little bit like I was going insane.
I was doing the same old song and dance in my head, trying to think of something, anything, to lessen the pain. When I pulled into my driveway, there was already a truck parked there. I didn’t see anyone in it and there was no one on my front porch, but I got a strong whiff of wild cherries.
I dropped my beer and bread and rushed around the side of the house. There on the porch, sitting with her back to me, was Bunny. My heart stalled out and I was pretty sure I was going to have a heart attack and die right here in front of my mate.
“This is probably my favorite place in the entire world. You have the best view I’ve ever seen.” She stood up and turned to face me. Her eyes went wide and she touched her own face. “What happened?”
I couldn’t get the words to come out. I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn’t get anything out. I was choking at the worst possible moment.
She was stunning. Her hair was longer and she’d gotten a little bit of sun. Her toes were bare and she’d wrapped a bl
anket around her shoulders to keep out the evening chill.
“At the risk of making a fool out of myself, I’m just going to talk. You’re doing great at just listening, so far.” She hugged herself tighter. “There are things that I won’t negotiate on. I don’t want to get married again. I don’t want to feel trapped. I am going to work and I’m going to support myself. I’m not just some woman you can keep under your thumb and at your beck and call. I’m my own person and I want to be treated as an equal.
“No cheating or lying. No bossing me around. No pushing me around. I want the freedom to go and see my best friend, whenever I want. Essentially, I want to be free. But, I want you.”
She stopped and laughed. “Man, this is going to be awkward if you don’t want me, too. I guess I should’ve led with that question.”
I closed the gap between us and held her face in my hands pressing my lips against hers, letting her know how much I still wanted her. Her body fell against mine and I lost any sliver of chance I had at ever being okay without her.
“Whatever you want.”
She ran her hands through my longer hair and then across my full beard. “This has to go. It’s tickling me.”
I shrugged. “Fine. What else?”
She brushed her shaking fingers over my eyebrow. “No more fighting. Your poor face.”
“Done.”
“I missed you. It’s crazy. I don’t know you, but I missed you. Even right now, I don’t feel like you’re close enough.”
I caught the backs of her legs in my hands and lifted her into my arms. Her legs locked around my waist and I let my eyes drift closed at the sensation. “I missed you. More than I could ever explain.”
“Can you deal with my list?”
“Bunny, I can agree to anything as long as it includes you being here with me.”
She kissed me again. “I rented a house. I want to get to know you first, before we live under the same roof.”
Rancher Bear Complete Series: PLUS NEW BONUS BOOK: Rancher Bears' Merry Christmas Page 24