Lady Justice and the Lottery

by Robert Thornhill

  “Do I have a choice?” I answered sarcastically.

  Since he was a regular at Amateur Night at the Comedy Club, he was immune to hecklers and sarcasm.

  “Do you know what toilet paper and the Star Ship Enterprise have in common?”

  “Not a clue.”

  “They both go to Uranus to wipe out the Kling-ons.”

  “Clever,” I said, opening the front door.

  “I have one,” the Professor called after me. “What did Spock find in Kirk’s toilet? The Captain’s Log!”

  As the door slowly closed, I saw the Professor and Jerry giving each other a high-five.

  When I reached the third floor, Maggie was waiting for me at the door.

  “Hurry in. I have some exciting news.”

  She gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek and led me to the couch.

  “You’ll never guess who called me today!”

  “Probably not, but I’ll bet you’re going to tell me.”

  “Remember reading about the two old guys that won the lottery?”

  “Yes, I remember, but watch who you’re calling old. They’re our age.”

  “Don’t be a poop. One of them called me and hired me to represent him as his buyer’s agent. Isn’t that fantastic?”

  Now she had my attention. I remembered something about the prize being around $240 million after taxes. “Wow! That is impressive. What kind of mansion is he looking for?”

  “That’s what’s odd,” she replied. “Right now, all he wants to buy is a city block full of old tear-down houses. He wants to build a ball field. I’m hoping the big stuff will come later. Now tell me about your day.”

  I told her about my undercover gig.

  Just an old married couple sharing the events of their day, not realizing that very soon fate would intervene to merge them into one.

  CHAPTER 5

  “Well, today is the day that you two will become millionaires,” Sol said. “Are you ready?”

  “The question is, Sol,” Morty replied, “are you ready? That Maggie Williams is a real fireball. She presented an offer to the city and we have that whole block under contract. If you’ve got your ducks in a row, I want to announce the new ball field at our press conference.”

  “I wondered why you guys opted for the press conference. In the beginning you wanted to remain anonymous.”

  “Like you said, Sol, that ship had sailed when the bimbo with the red hair gave our photo to the Kansas City Star. I figured we might as well get as much mileage out of this as possible. So are you ready?”

  “I’ve talked to our insurance department and I have a guy working on an irrevocable trust if that’s what you mean. The bigger question is who is going to look after the place. Like I said, if someone isn’t there, the druggies and street gangs will soon be running things.”

  “I think I have that covered. If I know my generation, we’ll have all the help we need. Do you realize that there are close to fifty million people sixty-five and older in this country and that number is growing every year? Soon, old timers like Earl and me will be 20% of the population, and if they’re anything like us, they’re none too happy with direction this country is headed. Plus they have time to kill and are looking for something meaningful to fill their days.”

  “I hope you’re right, Morty. How about you, Earl? Do you have any earth-shaking announcements planned for this evening?”

  “Nope. This is Morty’s big night. I’ll just be there to smile and get my check. I haven’t really decided what I want to do.”

  “Oh, by the way,” Morty said, “I’ve invited Maggie Williams to be our guest tonight. She’s a big part of this, and on top of that, she’s a real looker. Since my partner is such a putz, we need someone to class up the party.”

  “Thanks a lot, Morty.”

  “No problem, Earl. Just keepin’ it real!”

  “Is that really necessary?” Ox asked as the crime technician squirted lather on his chest.

  “No, I can just tape the wire to your hairy chest,” the tech replied, “but I think you’ll be sorry when I rip it off.”

  “Go ahead,” he sighed.

  Fortunately, I faced no such dilemma. My chest is as smooth as a baby’s butt. I used to think that was a bad thing, but I have found it’s sometimes an advantage in police work. Besides, Maggie likes it that way.

  We were being prepped for our meeting with the Star Trek burglar. An ad had appeared on Craig’s List offering three phasers for three hundred bucks each. We figured there was a good chance that this was our perp.

  “I can’t believe this guy is stupid enough to advertise stolen merchandise on Craig’s List,” Ox said.

  “Keep in mind,” I replied, “he’s a burglar, so he can’t be too bright in the first place.”

  At that moment, the captain entered the room. “You guys all set?”

  “Ready as we’ll ever be,” Ox replied.

  “Good! Let’s go over the details. You’ll both be in street clothing and wearing wires. No guns or badges. We don’t want to spook the guy. You have the list of serial numbers on the stolen phasers that the owner gave us. Memorize those numbers.”

  We both nodded.

  “If the numbers are a match, simply say, ‘These are exactly what we’ve been looking for’. That will be the signal for your backup to move in and make the arrest. Any questions?”

  “Looks pretty straight forward,” I replied.

  “Okay then,” the captain said, “let’s make the call.”

  He handed me a cell phone. “That’s a burner just in case the guy has caller ID.”

  I pulled up the listing on Craig’s List and dialed the number on the screen.

  “Yeah, whadda you want?”

  That wasn’t the greeting I had expected. The guy obviously wasn’t much of a salesman.

  “I --- uhhh --- was calling about the phasers you have advertised on Craig’s List. I’m a collector and I’m interested.”

  “Sold one. Only got two left.”

  “That’s perfect,” I replied. “I have a fellow collector that’s also interested. One for each of us.”

  “You got cash? I only take cash.”

  “I think that can be arranged. Are you at all negotiable on the price?”

  I thought the captain was going to have a cow.

  I put my hand over the mouthpiece and whispered. “I don’t want to seem too eager.”

  He nodded.

  “Nope! Either you want ‘em or you don’t. Lots of collectors out there.”

  “I’m very interested,” I replied. “Where can we meet?”

  “Ward Parkway Shopping Center parking lot. There’s a Salvation Army collection box in the far northeast corner of the lot. I’ll be there in an hour. Be on time. If you’re late, I’m out of there. And remember, cash only!”

  “We’ll be there,” I replied, and the line went dead.

  “Maybe I’ll take the guy a few tapes from my Tom Hopkins sales course,” I said. “He needs to polish his presentation.”

  “Yeah, a real charmer,” the captain replied. “Let’s go get the creep!”

  Ox and I pulled into the parking lot of the shopping center and spotted an old gray pick-up parked next to the Salvation Army collection box.

  “Right where he said he’d be,” Ox observed.

  I pulled up beside the old truck. A guy climbed out that looked like an extra from the Duck Dynasty TV show.

  He must have noticed the look of surprise on my face.

  “Somethin’ wrong?” he asked, narrowing his eyes.

  “Uhhh, no. Nothing wrong. You’re just different from the other collectors that I’ve met.”

  “Never said I was a collector.”

  “Uhhh, right. Do you have the phasers?”

  “Do you have the cash?”

  I pulled the wad of bills that the captain had given me from my pocket.

  He reached into the cab of the truck, grabbed the phasers and handed one to each of u
s.

  We examined them closely and tried to find the serial numbers without being too obvious.

  I found mine and it was a match. I turned to Ox, “What do you think, Irwin?”

  “They look good to me,” he replied.

  I turned back to the perp. “I think these are exactly what we’ve been looking for.”

  “Then hand over the dough.”

  I fumbled around, stalling for time. The perp and I saw the two unmarked cruisers heading our way at the same time.

  He realized immediately that he had been set up. “Cops! You’re stinkin’ cops!”

  He reached around his back and pulled out a knife that was big enough to skin a buffalo. We hadn’t exactly covered this contingency and I was hoping that Ox had a plan.

  He took a menacing step in our direction, but the cruisers were closing in fast. He must have decided that escape was better than revenge. He spat in our direction, turned and ran toward the houses across Ward Parkway.

  A third cruiser cut him off at the street and minutes later the guy was on the ground in cuffs.

  One of the officers from the first cruiser approached. “Nice work guys. We’ve got a tow truck on the way to haul off this piece of crap truck.”

  “What shall we do with the phasers?” I asked.

  “Just hang on to them. You can turn them in at the station when you turn in your wires.”

  Back at our car Ox turned to me. “Irwin? Really?”

  “Somehow ‘Ox’ didn’t seem to fit a Star Trek collector.”

  “You got that right.”

  I took a closer look at the phasers. “Holy cow! These look like the real thing. No wonder the owner paid over two hundred bucks.”

  I pulled the trigger and a piercing sound just like I’d remembered from the TV show erupted. A bright laser beam pierced through the growing darkness.

  “This is just too cool,” I said. “I really want one of these!”

  “Maybe Maggie will get you one for your birthday.”

  “Oh, Maggie! I almost forgot!” I looked at my watch. “This is her big night. She’s appearing with those two old guys that won the lottery. They’re getting their checks tonight. She was hoping I could stop by the Municipal Auditorium if we wound this thing up in time.”

  “Fine by me,” Ox replied. “Judy is on duty tonight too, so I don’t have anywhere I have to be.”

  “Good! Let’s go rub elbows with the rich and famous. Maybe some of it will rub off on us.”

  “Yeah, right!”

  Dougie Beemer and Richie Kemp headed for the maintenance room at the Municipal Auditorium.

  “Let’s stow these brooms and get backstage before the presentation starts,” Dougie said.

  “Are you sure this is going to work?” Richie asked apprehensively. “There’s an awful lot of security here tonight.”

  “We’re maintenance. We’re wearing uniforms. We’ve got badges,” Dougie replied. “No one’s going to pay any attention to us.”

  “Tell me again how we’re going to pull this off. I’m gettin’ the heebie-jeebies!”

  Dougie looked at his friend in exasperation. “It’s simple --- really. One of the old guys is going to be making a presentation. While he’s doing that we’ll slip his partner a note saying that he has an emergency phone call. When he comes backstage we’ll take him to the loading dock where we’ll have a car waiting. We’ll drive him to that old garage, tie him up and make the ransom call. Hell, they just won two hundred and forty million. They won’t even miss the measly million we’ll be asking.”

  “Wow! A million bucks!” Richie exclaimed. “How much is that for each of us?”

  “Half a million,” Dougie sighed, shaking his head.

  “I think we’re ready to go,” the lottery official announced to Earl, Morty and Maggie. “The mikes and cameras are all set up. There must be a couple of thousand people in the audience. This is a big deal for Kansas City. This is the biggest prize in lottery history. We’ll all go out. There are three chairs at the rear of the stage. Maggie, you’ll take one of them and stay in the background until Morty introduces you. We’ll do the presentation of the check first, then Morty will take the mike to announce his ball field. Earl and I will take the other two chairs during his presentation. Any questions?”

  Hearing none, he said, “Let’s do this!”

  The four of them took the stage and the audience rose and cheered Kansas City’s newest celebrities.

  The presentation of the check went without a hitch.

  Earl and the lottery official took their seats beside Maggie, and Morty began his presentation.

  “Ladies and gentlemen. I’m sure many of you are wondering what a seventy-year old bachelor is going to do with his share of two hundred and forty million dollars. I suppose that I could fritter it away on fast cars, fast women, fancy jewelry and trips to exotic places, but frankly, I just don’t give a rat’s patootie about all that stuff, so if any of you in the audience are purveyors of those things, you will be sorely disappointed.”

  A polite snicker rippled through the audience.

  “I have lived a full life and this old gray head is filled with precious memories of things that I have enjoyed through the years. Unfortunately, I have discovered that some of the things that brought me joy in my youth are apparently not available to the kids of today.

  “I clearly remember long summer days when my friends and I would gather in a ball field or vacant lot, choose up sides and play ball until it was too dark to see. No leagues, no fees, no umpires, no fancy uniforms, just kids, playing ball and having fun. My loving daughter has informed me that those days are gone forever. That, my friends, is not progress. It’s a tragedy, and I plan to do something about it!”

  The crowd responded with a round of applause.

  “I would like to introduce a new friend of mine, Maggie Williams, an agent with City Wide Realty. Stand up, Maggie.”

  Maggie stood and waved. The audience responded with polite applause.

  “With Maggie’s assistance, I have contracted with the City of Kansas City to buy an entire block of homes that were scheduled for demolition. We’re going to bulldoze those old derelicts and build a ball field!”

  This time the crowd stood and cheered.

  “I have made arrangements to build the field, place it in a trust and fund that trust with sufficient cash that ongoing maintenance can be paid from the annual interest. Kansas City Power & Light has agreed to supply electricity at no cost and the Kansas City Royals and Dave’s Sporting Goods are donating equipment for boys and girls whose families can’t afford it.

  “We are only lacking one thing to make this field of dreams a reality --- your time. My attorney tells me that in this day and age, such an enterprise would require a watchful eye, so tonight, I am making an appeal to the members of my generation --- to any of you that remember as I do, the joys of long summer days playing ball with your friends.

  “I know that you’re out there by the thousands, greeting folks at Wal-Mart, sacking groceries at Price Chopper or simply sitting at home wishing there was something worthwhile to do with the remaining years of your retirement. Well this is it!

  “I’m not talking about being a coach or being a grounds keeper. I’m talking about just being THERE, to keep a watchful eye on things, to lend an ear to a kid that wants to talk or to be a role model for a kid that has no dad.

  “If you think this is something worthwhile, I’ve set up a toll free number to call.”

  Maggie noticed that a tear was glistening on Earl’s cheek.

  Just as Morty was finishing up, a maintenance worker slipped Earl a note.

  “Anything wrong?” Maggie asked.

  “I hope not. The note says I have an important call waiting. Maybe I should check it out.”

  “I’ll go with you,” Maggie replied. “I need to use the ladies room and something tells me that the evening is far from over.”

  The two of them rose and followed the
man in the maintenance uniform.

  “This way,” Richie said, leading them down the corridor to a closed door. “The phone’s just through that door --- the ladies room too.”

  On the other side of the door, they were confronted by a man with a gun.

  “Richie! What’s the broad doing here?”

  “Sorry, Dougie. She said she had to pee. What was I supposed to do?”

  “Crap! We’ll just have to take her with us.”

  “Take us where?” Earl asked. “What is this?”

  “This, my rich old friend,” Dougie replied, “is a kidnapping for ransom. Just do as we tell you and no one will get hurt. Now get in the car, both of you!”

  As Maggie slipped into the back seat, she pressed the speed dial on her phone and Walt’s smiling face illuminated the screen.

  “Oh great,” Ox said, looking at the ‘Lot Full’ sign. We’ll probably have to park a half-mile away.

  Just then, my phone came to life. I flipped it open and saw Maggie’s face on the screen. “Hi Sweetie. We’re on our way.”

  Instead of a return greeting, I heard her muffled words. “What makes you think you can get away with a kidnapping. When we don’t return right away, they’ll come looking for us.”

  A voice that I didn’t recognize replied, “By that time we’ll be long gone. Now sit back and shut up!”

  “Did I just hear what I think I heard?” Ox asked.

  “It sure sounds like they’ve been taken hostage,” I replied.

  Maggie’s voice came through again. “When you get your money, I hope you buy a new car. This old green Ford Taurus is a piece of crap. It smells like French fries and stale beer!”

  “Look lady! I told you to shut up. Don’t make me come back there.”

  “You’ve got a brave little gal there,” Ox said.

  “Look,” I whispered. “Isn’t that a green Taurus coming out of that underground parking?”

  “Sure is. Let’s see where it goes”