Best Jerk

by Lulu Pratt

  I look up from the book and I can see that she’s actually truly serious about this.

  “We could take pictures of her at the park with a damn pony, and a cake, and it would mean something to her,” I counter.

  Lara sighs and looks over at Riley. “It’s not just about her, it’s about showing the people in the family who need to know that life is going on,” Lara says quietly.

  “Yeah, I can see a point in that,” I admit. My parents, and Nathan, amongst other people in the family, have all been anxious to reassure themselves that I’m doing okay, that Riley’s okay without Alexis, that Lara’s handling her new role as Riley’s adoptive mom. Nathan’s questions have gotten a little pointed whenever I drop Riley off with him, so Lara’s started being responsible for that task.

  “I just want everyone to kind of back off us a bit, and this is one of the better ways of doing that,” Lara says.

  I nod my agreement with that idea.

  “I’m just looking out for costs, the same way I did with Riley’s first birthday,” I say, giving Lara a weak smile. Lara looks away, not at Riley, but at the floor. She hadn’t been around for my daughter’s first birthday, and had only barely been around for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s amazing to me that all this has happened in less than a year, that this time, last year, Lara was still freezing me and Alexis and even Riley out.

  “In any case, it shouldn’t be that expensive,” Lara says finally.

  “Some of this looks like it’s on the pricy end,” I point out, flipping through the book again.

  “That’s just a ballpark, the actual party is going to be a lot smaller,” she tells me.

  I look through things in more detail. Obviously Lara has put a lot of thought into this, and I have to admit a big party, as long as we invite the right people, will put a lot of rumors and bullshit to rest. It may even be fun.

  “We just have to make sure that the people we invite to the party will all get along,” I say, halfway thinking out loud and halfway making a point to Lara. I look up from the binder she’s put together and see her nodding.

  “Yeah, that’s the biggest thing,” she agrees. She glances at Riley. “I don’t want anything to ruin her birthday if we can help it.”

  “Well, we know we have to invite all the grandparents,” I say. Lara makes a face but nods again, agreeing with me on that point. If either Nathan or my parents were left out of Riley’s birthday, it would cause even more drama. We can only hope that they’ll get along for the sake of their granddaughter.

  “We should invite some of your friends, yours and Alexis’,” Lara says. I raise an eyebrow.

  “But not any of yours?”

  Lara shrugs. “I don’t have all that many friends from high school that I’m still close with, or who still live in the area,” Lara says.

  “And those who are here and who you’re close with?” I ask.

  Lara blushes and looks away slightly.

  “They sided with me on the issue of you and Alexis,” she says quietly.

  “So probably not exactly the best people to bring to a party where we’re going to be playing parents, then,” I conclude.

  Lara smiles at me wryly. “Probably not,” she agrees.

  “Well, you should invite at least a few people from your life now, maybe some friends from work?” I don’t want to make the invitation list too heavy with people who are or were on “my” side, that will create completely the wrong vibe, and Nathan will take it wrong, I’m sure.

  “I can invite some people, and they’ll get Riley some great presents, I’m sure,” Lara says, grinning more genuinely.

  Riley gets bored with her toys and comes over to us, toddling in her slightly clumsy way. I ask her if she wants me to pick her up and she shakes her head.

  “Want juice!” she says.

  Immediately, Lara gets up to go to the fridge. She mixes half apple juice and half water in Riley’s sippy cup and hands it to her, and Riley drinks about third of it down all at once, taking the cup away from her mouth with a big gasp for breath and then a belch. Lara and I both laugh and Riley smiles, pleased that she has made us laugh. She then clambers her way onto Lara’s lap, holding her sippy cup in both hands and looking at both of us in turn.

  “Are you ready for your birthday, sweetie?” Lara pulls the binder from me and holds it so that Riley can see it.

  “What that?” Riley frowns in thought, and I remember she’s too young to really understand what a birthday is, even at two.

  “We’re celebrating you being born,” I tell her. Riley digests this for a few moments, frowning more deeply, and in that moment, she looks almost exactly like a tiny version of Alexis, complete with the little crease between her barely-there eyebrows and the puckering of her lips.

  “Mommy there?”

  If seeing Riley looking exactly like Alexis brought back my sense of guilt, her question reminds me even harder of my loss. As much as having sex with Lara a week ago soothed something in me, in the moment, it’s just made me feel the loss of my wife even more when I’m home alone.

  “No, sweetie. Mommy won’t be there,” Lara tells her gently. “Mommy is gone.”

  Riley considers this, and I have to wonder how long it will be before I can explain to her that her mother isn’t coming back in a way that she’ll actually understand it.

  “But Daddy will be there, and Aunt Lara, and your grandparents, and all our friends,” I tell her.

  “We should make sure to invite some people who’ve got kids Riley’s age,” Lara remarks.

  “I guess,” I say with a shrug. It wasn’t really a huge issue at Riley’s first birthday, but I can see where it would take some of the pressure off the adults.

  “She needs to start socializing,” Lara says. “I’ve been taking her to the park sometimes, but she can’t keep up with some of the bigger kids. Besides, she’s going to be starting preschool next year, right?”

  “Alexis and I were starting to talk about when she could start,” I say. I don’t mention that we hadn’t really come to a conclusion on that, we’d put it off until Riley would turn two.

  “I think if she’s ready at three, it’ll make it a bit easier on everyone,” Lara says.

  “We’ll talk about it,” I tell her. I want to get off the topic, but I can’t think of anything that we could possibly talk about that wouldn’t just end up reminding me again and again of the wife I’ve lost.

  “What do you want at your party, Riley-baby?” Lara turns my daughter’s attention back to the binder, and I watch her guide Riley through the different choices, pointing out pictures. Riley, of course, isn’t sure specifically what she wants, she doesn’t even really understand what her birthday is going to be. But she gets excited at pictures of face painting and ponies, butterflies and flowers, and Lara takes out a marker to make little squiggles next to what my daughter likes the best.

  Once Riley gets bored of this, and goes back to her toys, her sippy cup still firmly in her hands, I know I need to start getting us ready to leave. And we need to make at least one decision about the party.

  “How are we going to split the cost?” I look at Lara levelly and she shrugs.

  “I figured once we decide between us what budget we want to go with, we can split that in half,” she suggests. She hands me back the binder, flipped to the page that has the ballpark costs for each of the ideas she’s had.

  “I’ll think about it,” I tell her. I don’t even really know what Alexis spent on Riley’s first birthday. Alexis planned it almost completely without me, just telling me what part I would play. So many things in my life that Alexis just did and handled, without telling me about it, and now I’m running everything myself, trying to keep things half as organized as she did. Even months later, I feel like I’m treading water, Riley held in my arms, waiting for my feet to touch ground or someone to rescue us.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  LARA

  Riley is napping in my bedroom, and I’m putt
ing together dinner for her, myself and Ethan, who should be arriving to pick her up in less than an hour, while I’m making phone calls to different people we’ve sent invitations to, trying to see if everyone’s received theirs yet.

  We finally agreed on a ballpark budget, and on how we were going to split it, and what we were going to do for Riley’s second birthday. I’d taken on the job of taking care of the invitations, while Ethan insisted on calling the different contractors whose services we’re going to be using for the party — the face painter, the man with the pony, and a few others.

  “Hey, it’s Lara. Glad I could get a hold of you, Giselle. I was wondering if you’ve gotten your invitation to Riley’s second birthday party yet?”

  I haven’t spoken to Giselle in probably about three years. She was friends with Alexis, someone I knew from her circle but had never really been close to. Of course, she sided with my sister and with Ethan when the big drama exploded.

  “Hey, Lara. I just got it in the mail today! You and Ethan are throwing the party together?” I can hear the tone in Giselle’s voice, and I’m not sure if it’s because she doesn’t think that it’s right for Ethan and me to be working together, or perhaps something else.

  “Yeah, we figured it would be easiest that way,” I tell her.

  “Well, as long as it’s all right if I can bring Logan and Charlene, I’m happy to come,” Giselle says.

  I remember, fleetingly, that Giselle had twins sometime shortly after my sister gave birth. It had been in one of the phone calls Mom made to me, while I stayed away from my family.

  “Absolutely,” I tell her. It’ll be good to have some kids around who Riley can play with.

  “Are you planning anything in particular for the grownups? I could bring some wine with me,” Giselle says.

  I laugh. “I think I’ve got that covered. Not enough for anyone to get drunk, but some grown-up punch,” I say.

  “Good to know. I can tell you that everyone who’s going to be there with kids is going to need it, but then, you’re helping raise Riley now, right?”

  I nod, even though I know Giselle can’t see me, and stand up to stir the soup I’ve got going for dinner. It’s starting to get cooler, and I think it’s going to be a really cold winter this year, so soup and sandwiches sounded like a great meal for all of us.

  “Yeah, Alexis insisted on it in her will, so Ethan and I are working it out,” I say absently. I really just want to get off the phone and call the next person I need to check on, but I know that would be rude.

  “Must be stirring up a lot of feelings between the two of you… I mean… he did get with you first,” Giselle says. I stop in the middle of what I’m doing and stare at my phone for a moment.

  “I mean, we’re dealing with it,” I say once I have the ability to speak again.

  “It’d be easy for the two of you to get back together… I mean… you’re spending so much time with each other now… I guess,” Giselle points out.

  I thought I couldn’t be more stunned, but here I am.

  “I mean, we’re not planning on anything like that at all, we’re just kind of moving past our history and doing our best for Riley,” I say. I need to get Giselle off the phone quickly, and a knock at my door gives me the perfect excuse.

  “I just thought…. it would be good for everyone,” Giselle says, even as I start to try to get her off the phone.

  “Sorry, Giselle, that’s the door. It’s probably Ethan here to pick up Riley,” I tell her. “I need to make sure dinner’s done for all of us, too. But thanks! And send me the RSVP if you can.” I say goodbye and end the call, shoving my phone in my pocket to go get the door before Ethan can knock again and wake up Riley.

  “You look like you’re halfway out of your mind,” Ethan says as he comes in.

  “Sorry, just trying to do three things at once,” I tell him, turning back to the stove so he can’t tell how flustered I am. Surely Giselle is the only person in the world who thinks that Ethan and I have any shot of getting back together. Surely, she’s just being weird, or trying to dig for some good gossip.

  “I’ll go get Riley in a minute. Why don’t you sit down?” I stir the soup I’ve made and check on the sandwiches in their packets in the oven. I can’t help but feel a little guilty. Ethan and I did, after all, have sex. It’s the kind of thing that I should never have allowed to happen, and I’ve tried to steer clear of any kind of intimacy with him since then, even in my thoughts.

  Did Ethan tell anyone about it? Does Giselle know? Was that why she made that suggestion? I can’t believe that Ethan would go around talking about having sex with me. He wasn’t the type even when we were together, and I can’t imagine that he’d want to make himself look like he was getting over Alexis too quickly by admitting we’d hooked up. I’ll have to see if anyone else thinks that Ethan and I are in the process of getting back together.

  “I think everything’s just about done. Do you want a cup of coffee?” I turn off the oven and the stove and pull out the sandwiches to cool a bit before turning my attention onto Ethan, hopefully looking more composed.

  “Coffee would be great,” he says. I take a deep breath and try to focus on what’s going on around me, instead of Giselle.

  “I’ve been calling to make sure everyone’s getting their invitations,” I say absently, as I pour Ethan and myself both some coffee and get Riley’s dinnertime drink for her.

  “I actually booked the face painter and the pony guy during my break today,” Ethan tells me.

  I nod my appreciation. “So, this is coming together pretty well,” I say, finally sitting down. I need a few minutes to breathe before I deal with Riley and dinner.

  “What’s going on? You look like you’re just a couple of minutes away from panic,” Ethan says, looking me over.

  “Nothing big,” I say, shaking my head. I won’t — I can’t — tell him why I’m so on edge.

  “Just remember, it’s not going to ruin Riley’s life if her second birthday hits some snags,” Ethan tells me, grinning. He takes a sip of his coffee and rises to his feet.

  “She’s got another ten minutes or so on her nap,” I tell him.

  Ethan shrugs. “It won’t make a huge difference, besides, I can take ten minutes waking her up.” He leaves the room and I try to regain my composure, putting everything about what Giselle said out of my mind. There was some tiny part of my brain that heard her assertion that Ethan and I would get back together with a kind of joy. But that was the part of me that had never quite gotten over the breakup, that couldn’t stand the thought of being without him, surely. I can’t listen to that teeny part of myself.

  The much bigger part of me is glad that I laid down the boundary that I did after Ethan and I had sex. I need to keep my head clear. I need to keep my feelings what they should be, not just for Riley’s sake but for my own.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  ETHAN

  Lara and I are out to dinner. Nathan has Riley for the night, as part of my parents’ and his insistence that Lara and I both get an occasional break from minding Riley. The party is still two weeks away, but it’s more or less prepared. As prepared as it’s going to get, anyway, until the day of.

  “I’ve gotten just about all the RSVPs,” Lara says, taking a sip of her sangria. We’ve both, maybe without thinking about it, avoided drinking alcohol since the time we had sex. Neither of us was drunk that night, but there’s something about drinking that sort of lowers inhibitions, and I don’t think either one of us is anxious to repeat that.

  “All the stuff is booked. I think I’ve got the final order for the cake to send,” I say.

  Lara wanted to do the cake herself, but I talked her out of it, saying that I’d foot the bill for the whole thing if I had to. Alexis had insisted on making the cake for Riley’s first birthday. I can still remember, all too clearly, how stressed out it made her when she couldn’t get it perfect, and how many tears she cried over it until she got it as right as it could b
e. That’s not an experience I want to repeat, even if I have my doubts that Lara would get that stressed, or that upset.

  “What flavor did you end up choosing?”

  I grin. The cake is a little nod to Alexis, not much of one, but enough that people who know her well will appreciate it.

  “Strawberry-vanilla,” I say.

  Lara’s eyes widen, and I know she’s caught it, but I hope she’s okay with it.

  “I think that’s great,” she says.

  I’d tasted the sample cake at the bakery, a simple vanilla cake with buttercream and strawberry preserves, and it reminded me of the wedding cake that Alexis and I had had. It was simple, and it was delicious, and it had given me one of the first really pleasant reminders that I’d had of Alexis since the terrible night she’d passed.

  “It’ll be good to have a little… not a tribute, but at least something,” I say. I feel awkward about it. Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Lara sets aside her sangria and the waiter comes with our appetizer before she can say anything. We both thank the guy serving us, and Lara grabs a fried mushroom out of the basket.

  “That makes sense,” she says quietly.

  “If it bothers you, I can have them change it,” I say.

  Lara shakes her head.

  “No, I just wasn’t even thinking about it. People will think it’s weird if we don’t have any kind of reference to Alexis at the party,” Lara says.

  “Yeah,” I agree. I hadn’t even thought about that in the moment that I’d told the bakery what I wanted. I’d just wanted it, for my own reasons. I’d wanted something that I could have as a reminder of the mother to my daughter.

  “It should be a nice party,” Lara points out.

  I nod my agreement and pluck a fried pickle out of the appetizer basket, dip it in some horseradish ranch, and pop it in my mouth.

  “I don’t think Alexis could have planned anything better,” I suggest.

  Lara winces, it lasts less than a second, just long enough to make me wonder if I’ve imagined it, and then she smiles.