The Weirdest Noob

by Arthur Stone

  Having found a promising cul-de-sac, Ros got to work. He kept alternating between mining, hunting, and building a construction of sturdy rods and rat tails. He used the latter to tie the rods together, failing to come up with anything better. Fortunately, he had enough of this “construction material” piled up.

  He kept hunting until the evening, trying to target the largest rats, and checked the carcass for soul crystals every time with hope. Eventually, he resurrected a level three rodent. Not a level five rodent as he had hoped, but this was the best he could get so far. Unfortunately, his attempt to summon two mobs at once failed. It may have been altogether impossible, or simply the result of his being a noob. He asked Pup and Greedie a few cautious questions about necromancy, and learned that neither of them had an inkling of how necromancy (or anything associated with it) worked. He was therefore unlikely to find a mentor down here in the mines.

  Workers had no such skills—simply for want of necessity.

  * * *

  Ros missed the arrival of the high-level mob. He was chipping away at a copper vein, his Vigor nearly exhausted, when he heard the sound of cracking wood. As he turned around, he saw that the lattice he had put up in a narrow section of the gallery was being battered by a hideous creature resembling a beardless dwarf with clawed paws that wouldn’t have looked out of place on a muscled orc, and the jaws of a bulldog.

  “Wild Leprus. Aggression: high. Sociality: highest. Level: hidden. Skills: hidden. Stats: hidden.”

  The grotesquely large paws made easy work of the bunch of rat tails, and the beast began to crawl toward Ros through the breach in the lattice. Ros dashed to meet it and stuck a stone-sharpened stake into its shoulder with as much force as he could muster. The Leprus muttered something indistinct, and then tried to get at the attacker.

  “Get the bastard, Templeton!” Ros shouted as he struck the monster’s wrist with his pickaxe.

  “You hit the Wild Leprus for 6 damage. Critical hit: broken paw.”

  The lattice was destroyed completely, and the enraged Leprus beat off the swing of the pickaxe with its good paw, getting Ros with the return motion, which didn’t kill him or even get his shoulder slashed with the talons. He was just pushed aside.

  Or rather, thrown aside and against the wall of the gallery. Ros tried to turn around to face his attacker, but darkness fell before he could manage it.

  “The Wild Leprus hits you for 36 damage. The Wild Leprus kills you. You are resurrected at your current respawn point: miner settlement next to the Ravenas mine, Rallia Province. The current owner is the Sword Power guild. Attention: this is a dangerous zone. There is high likelihood of aggressive actions from monsters and players. It is not recommended to place your bind points in dangerous zones. Your summoned creature dies.”

  “That’s right, you gotta stay true to yourself,” remarked Greedie from his perch acidly.

  “Good evening to you, too. So, what about that sword?”

  “What about that ore?”

  “A hundred and twenty-six lumps.”

  “I ain’t impressed, for some reason.”

  “Now don’t you grumble. I’m not even bitter about you deceiving me.”

  “When did I deceive anyone?”

  “Fifty pelts for a dirt-cheap flask is a rip-off, is it not?”

  “Nope, that’s legit business,” answered Greedie earnestly, without a hint of irony.

  “Can these bastards be killed at all?”

  “Who do you mean?”

  “Well… it was a Wild Leprus this time.”

  “What level?”

  “I don’t know—I can’t see their levels.”

  “That’s because you’re a level zero noob. You should have dumped all your points into the Essence of Things—then, at least, you’d know who gave you that treatment. Hey, Mac, do you remember what levels local Lepruses usually have?”

  “I saw one that was over forty, way before your time,” someone from the gate shouted back.

  “A level forty Leprus will snuff you out with a single blow,” Greedie concluded.

  “It took this one two hits. The first one was very weak, though. How many hit points do they have?”

  “A couple of hundred, if it isn’t an elite critter.”

  “How many?!”

  “You heard me.”

  “I dealt mine eight points of damage with a stake—a record for me. And then another six with the pickaxe.”

  “They must have been crit hits—that’s a lot for a noob. Or the mob was on the low end.”

  “The stake hit wasn’t a crit. I must have just managed to drive it deep enough.”

  “You knocked one tenth off his HP. There was no point for you to try to fight back—it’s better to give up in such cases. Less painful, at least.”

  The hell I will, Ros thought to himself, then asked:

  “Could I gather some more wood?”

  “Are you trying to build a gallows in the faraway galleries or something?”

  “Hey, that’s a great idea! Would you happen to have some rope for it? Any old and useless thing would do.”

  “Rope costs money.”

  “Too tight, are you?”

  “No, I just I hate moochers.”

  “You think I’m a moocher? I’m merely a borrower, whereas you are my creditor—or investor, if you will.”

  “With a borrower like you, I won’t see any return on my investment. Get out of my sight, and make sure you fulfill your quota tomorrow or you’ll get no supper—we don’t feed freeloaders around here. And steer clear of the area where you’d met the Leprus. Those critters have a good memory—once they realize there’s game in a given spot, they’ll check it daily.”

  * * *

  Alas, Ros had no intention of mending his ways. Instead of spending the whole day tapping away with his pickaxe, he carried on what he started the previous day. This time, though, he altered the construction of the lattice, leaving a narrow gap in it so that the Leprus wouldn’t destroy the construction and proceed toward its quarry in an orderly way.

  The gap was rather narrow. If he met the same beast as the previous time, it would have to worm its way in with a lot of effort.

  The lower side of the gap had a surprise feature—a bunch of sharpened stakes. The Leprus would have to drag its bulk over them if his plan was to work.

  Toward the end of the day he started to work at a more relaxed pace, looking behind his shoulder constantly. He was afraid he’d be caught unawares again, and with his Vigor at the minimum to boot. It was always consumed at much more rapid a pace in battle than during mining.

  The Leprus came as expected—when it was nightfall outside, by Ros’ calculations. The beast was completely unintimidated by the lattice after yesterday’s encounter, and crawled into the gap without any second thoughts. The sharpened stakes got driven into the mob’s body, and it must have hurt—the beast jerked, roared, and kept looking at Ros with malice and avarice.

  Ros approached and took a good swing with a rather ugly weapon—a long stick with a huge rock with a cross-cutting hole attached to it. Ros had noticed it next to the entrance to the main tunnel the day before, and today he finally found a use for it.

  The impromptu hammer struck the beast on the neck. Apart from inflicting crushing damage, it also made the mob’s body jerk downward, driving the stakes deeper. The wounds were far from grave, but they were numerous; most importantly, now thoroughly stuck, the Leprus began to wiggle convulsively, shaking the entire construction in order to destroy it, no longer trying to push through.

  Bang! Ros hit the monster on the head with his second blow, shouting loudly at the same time:

  “Get him!”

  The rat was small, a level one weakling, and it would be silly to expect a lot from it. But it could still deal some minor damage, or at least draw the mob’s attention away from Ros.

  Third hit. Ros was hammering the body of the Leprus into the stakes like an ugly nail. System messages were a f
lurry of damage information and critical damage descriptions. Ros had no time or inclination to read them. He found himself in the role of the pug from the tale that didn’t only bark at its nemesis the elephant, but also had the audacity of attacking it in naïve hopes of killing it eventually. The heavy hammer kept swinging up toward the gallery’s ceiling and falling heavily on the creature’s head, neck, and shoulders. The Leprus bled from a dozen wounds, and half his snout was smashed, as well as an eye and an ear, but it kept pressing on.

  Ros felt his arms hang like two heavy ropes. This was the end. With his Vigor reaching zero, his exhaustion was complete.

  But wait!

  Ros pulled at his flask, drank thirstily, then threw it to the side without replacing the cap, picked up his heavy weapon and dealt the Leprus another blow, a record-breaking one this time—he couldn’t remember ever hitting quite as hard.

  The hammer had its uses, but it wasn’t without drawbacks. After the blow, the rock fell off the handle and rolled back, striking Ros on the ankle. Painfully. And now he had no weapon left except for the pickaxe with the pathetic damage it dealt.

  The beast’s onslaught finally made the lattice fall apart. The body of the Leprus was no longer supported by the construction, which drove the stakes even deeper into its body—deep enough for the sharp tips of some of the stakes to come out of the creature’s back. The mob tried to raise its body over the floor with its front paws, but then started trembling and fell, hanging lifelessly on the remains of the trap that had killed him. The numerous wounds had made their effect on the Leprus, bleeding it to death.

  Ros stood still, amazed by the sheer number of system messages.

  “Your trap hits the Wild Leprus for 5 damage. Critical hit: medium bleeding. You kill the Wild Leprus. XP received: 258. Points left until the next level: no data. Attention: you need to unlock your account to be able to raise your level. Your Summoning grows by 1. Current value: 2. Your Strength grows by 1. Current value: 11. Your Vigor grows by one. Current value: 9. Congratulations! You have destroyed a monster thirty or more levels above yours! Achievement earned: Crazy Loner. Achievement bonus: 1 undistributed base stat point. Bonus effect: permanent. Achievement unlocked: Giant Slayer. Kill 50 monsters whose level exceeds yours by thirty or more without any help to complete the achievement. Achievement bonus: random. Congratulations! You have destroyed a monster more than ten times your level! Achievement earned: Monster Scourge. Achievement bonus: 2 Luck points. Bonus effect: permanent. You will need a lot of Luck if you intend to repeat this feat. Achievement unlocked: Monster Terror. Kill 25 monsters whose level exceeds yours tenfold or more without any help to complete the achievement. Achievement bonus: 3 random secondary base stat points. Your trap has landed you a great catch. Auxiliary stats unlocked: Trap Mastery, Inventing, Carpentry, Hunting, and Sly Fox. Congratulations! You have unlocked 5 auxiliary stats at once after a single victory. Promotional bonus: 5 extra hit points, 5 extra magic energy points. Bonus effect: permanent. Rostendrix Poterentax, your deeds are worthy of a hero! You shall become one someday, if you go further down this road of glory! But beware! Underground monsters have been dealt a deathly affront. One of them was slain by a much weaker warrior, and they aren’t likely to forgive such an offense. Always watch your back!”

  Ros stood flabbergasted, still not quite believing the fight to be over, and failing to fully grasp the value of the avalanche of gifts and bonuses that he had received. He was still engrossed in battle mentally.

  Then he hit himself on the forehead with his fist.

  “Jackass! Nincompoop! Braindead idiot! Retarded moron!”

  He had a good reason to be ticked off. He had gotten so excited that he forgot the most important thing—to cast Soul Trap on the Leprus first thing. A roughly 25% chance of receiving the soul of such a monster could have been epic. He could have mopped up the smaller mobs easily, and even tried his luck against some of the larger beasts. Considering the experience and bonuses received for a single victory, he would have at least tried.

  But his grand plans fell through as a result of his forgetfulness.

  He’d have to fiddle with the sticks again in order to draw in another mob. The very thought of fighting such a creature again made Ros shiver. The summoned rat was too weak an accomplice in such matters—it would be enough for a Leprus to sneeze on it for the rodent to kick the bucket.

  The rat died right then, as if reading his mind.

  “Your summoned creature dies.”

  Ros didn’t even see what killed the rat. It may have read his mind indeed—or maybe the Leprus had managed to land a good hit in its agony, causing a bleeding. It didn’t matter. ‘Twas time to loot the carcass and make tracks. He remembered the warning at the end of the barrage of system messages. It may have been your typical scare tactic, but there might also be something to it. He was already accustomed to dying, but the last thing he wanted right then was more adventures. Some invisible power kept drawing him upward.

  Apart from his subconscious expectations, the slain Leprus did not yield any great treasure. Some fangs, some teeth, and a tongue that looked like the stuff of nightmares. Ros collected everything and headed for the exit.

  He was hunched as he went, looking over his shoulder constantly, but no one was following him, and there was nothing suspicious around. The mine seemed dead—the only sounds he could hear were his own footsteps and the occasional sound of dripping water.

  * * *

  Ros was circumspect as he left the crater, dashing around the corner as soon as he came out. He didn’t want Greedie to see him. The latter was sitting on his favored bench under the awning as usual, keeping the furnaces, the gates, and the entrance to the mine in his sight. But dwarves were substantially inferior to the rrokh in terms of night vision, so he shouldn’t have noticed him.

  The bastard must be waiting for Ros to respawn again.

  Well, let him sit there and wait, stewing in his guesses. Ros wouldn’t die tonight—he got out of the mine the proper way.

  A very naïve line of reasoning for someone who knew so little of his new world…

  Chapter 12

  His awakening was clearly premature. It was still dark outside the tiny window paned with thin shards of some semi-transparent mineral glued together. Morning was clearly a ways away, and the settlement was usually quiet as a tomb at night, with three or four guards awake in the whole place. Greedie might still be standing watch—he never seemed to log off, somehow.

  There came an unintelligible cry outside, followed by a bestial roar, followed by more cries, louder this time. There was a bright flash, blinding Ros for a couple of seconds. He arrived at the logical conclusion that the worst that could happen was death, which was hardly all that menacing. He cracked the door open and froze, stunned by what he was seeing.

  Night was no impediment to a rrokh’s eyes, and he could see virtually everything in detail. Well-familiar beasts were running up from the crater, trotting along the path: Lepruses. They varied in size, but few were smaller than the one killed in the mine earlier that day.

  Lepruses weren’t merely emerging from the crater in large numbers—they were spreading across the settlement, their every step causing some sort of damage. The awning where Greedie spent most of his days and nights lay torn down. The door of a nearby house was smashed open with a crack—some of the monsters must have sensed prey inside. He could hear the clangor of weapons by the gate—then something flashed again, but Ros could not clearly see what was going on from where he stood.

  A pack of Lepruses reached the respawn circle. The monsters lingered there a while, killing the unconscious dwarves and orcs repeatedly. The players died, got resurrected instantly in the regular manner, only to be killed again a moment later, leaving no possessions and no body behind.

  One of the Lepruses ran toward the door—the beast may have spotted Ros standing in the doorway, or maybe it had intended to check the building. Ros prepared for a quick death, but the monster t
urned away, having noticed some quarry it fancied more.

  A strange procession was coming from the direction of the gate—three tall and broad-shouldered warriors clad in resplendent armor from head to toe, followed by some thin and lanky fellow with a face of a dyed-in-the-wool narcissist scorning everyone around him, who, in turn, was followed by Greedie, barefoot and attired in long johns of dazzling white for whatever reason. He kept shouting something that sounded downright belligerent.

  And then the main source of the blood-curdling cries became obvious.

  Another figure clad in similar long johns became visible in the stone circle, right amid the partying Lepruses. Ros recognized the man as one of the guards that usually sat at the inner gate. The monsters killed him instantly; however, unlike the workers, he didn’t get resurrected at once, but kept lying there by the pole.

  In the meantime, a small party kept pressing toward the crater exit. Lone monsters and monster parties kept attacking them, only to swiftly fall under the swords or maces of the formidable-looking warriors.

  The thin fellow had a few surprises in him. Upon seeing all the fun that was taking place at the respawn circle, he gave a wave of the hand, which was holding a short staff. The top of the weapon disgorged a fireball that flew like a meteor and hit the ground next to the guard’s body.