by Kat Mizera
“It’s a big weekend. How could I not come? Especially since it was within driving distance.” His eyes twinkled as he said hello to Coach Keller and a couple of our teammates, who mostly ignored him.
“Hey, Mr. Graham.” Tate knew how I felt about my dad but was polite anyway, a testament to both his manners and our friendship.
“How’s it going, Adler?” Dad grinned, as if Tate was his new best friend.
Jesus, I didn’t think it was possible to like my dad any less than I already did, but apparently it was.
“Boys, I need you to check in and get ready for the meeting,” Coach Keller called out, eyeing me pointedly. I’d had a few run-ins with my father at games over the years and he knew it was never good when Dad showed up unannounced, so he was obviously running interference.
Most of the guys scattered and I cut a glance at Paxton, who was doing something on his phone.
“Can I sit in, Coach?” Dad asked him, his face as beguiling as a four-year-old asking if he could pet his puppy. “This is my last chance now that the boys are going pro.”
I grimaced, but kept my mouth shut, hoping Coach would turn him down, but he didn’t.
“That’s fine, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t interact at all. You’re just an observer.” Coach Keller was using his no-nonsense voice, the same one he’d used to tell me I needed to get my grades up or he’d bench me, and my dad was too self-absorbed to notice.
“Yes, sir. Absolutely. Quiet as a church mouse.”
“We’re meeting here in the lobby in thirty minutes.” Coach Keller turned and headed for the elevators.
Dad automatically started following us, slinging his duffel over his shoulder.
“Dad, we’re just going to drop our things off, freshen up, and come right back down,” I told him.
He shifted uncomfortably. “I thought maybe I could crash with you guys. The hotels are really expensive this weekend.”
I gritted my teeth to keep from saying something obnoxious, so Paxton jumped in. “Dad, they’re full-size beds. No way you’ll fit with either of us.”
“No problem at all. I already asked at the desk and they can send up a cot.”
I nearly cried in frustration but Paxton nodded. “Okay, that works, I guess. But you can’t watch TV all night, Dad. We have to rest.”
“Promise.” He held up a hand as if making some kind of oath.
Fuck.
So much for having my head on straight.
Despite our father being up our asses, Paxton and I had a great first game. With our usual connection stronger than ever, we scored a goal each and skated all over the other team. With one game down and one more to go to earn our spot in the finals, I felt good, but of course, my father had to shit all over my good mood.
“You could have scored at least twice more,” he said when we got back to the hotel. “You had so many opportunities… What were you thinking?”
“I was thinking about hanging on to the lead and not worrying about jacking up the score just so I could say I got another hat trick,” I replied.
“The Sidewinders are watching!” he snapped. “You need to shine out there.”
“We won,” I said dryly. “How much more do I need to shine?”
“All right, I need to get some rest,” Paxton interjected. “Let’s save that arguing for after the tournament, okay?”
Dad looked unhappy but merely grunted and turned on the TV.
“Dad, we can’t sleep with the TV on.”
“I can’t sleep without it.”
“Then you probably should have coughed up the money for your own room.”
We glared at each other.
“I’m still your father,” he growled. “You wouldn’t be on the verge of the big leagues if I hadn’t pushed you.”
“That has nothing to do with us needing our rest.”
“I’ll keep the volume low.”
“Dad, you promised.”
“It’s just a little TV. Jesus fucking Christ.”
“You’re an asshole, you know that?” I said, putting my hands on my hips.
“You watch how you talk to me, boy.”
I arched my brows. “Boy? Who are you calling boy?”
“Okay, knock it off.” Paxton stood between us. “Let’s not do this. Dad, the deal was no TV if you stayed with us.”
“You’re both a bunch of pussies,” he hissed. “How I raised—”
“Would you be talking like this if Mom was still alive?” I challenged.
He was momentarily startled into silence and then he went into the bathroom and shut the door behind him.
“Fuck.” I blew out a breath. “I need him out of here. Can we afford to get him his own room?”
“This place is sold out and I think most of the hotels around here are.”
“I’m going for a walk,” I said. “I can’t sit here and fight with him all night.”
I grabbed my wallet and room key and left, taking the stairs down to the first floor just to walk off a little nervous energy. Why did he have to show up? Wasn’t it enough to have not one but two sons going to the pros? Jesus, I’d happily send him money every month in exchange for him to just shut his mouth and stay away from me.
For the first time since my talk with Toli, I let my thoughts drift to Ellie. If things had been different, I’d be on the phone with her now, letting her calm my chaos. That was one of many things that had been special about what we’d had. And with each passing day, I missed it more and more.
“You have me and I have you,” she’d said.
I would’ve done almost anything just then to hear her voice telling me I had her and she had me. ‘Cause I needed her more than I’d ever thought possible.
Eye on the prize, I reminded myself as I walked outside. I’d allow myself a few minutes to miss Ellie, and then go back to focusing on hockey.
Dad continued to make a nuisance of himself but he turned off the TV and kept his mouth shut that night, if nothing else. Paxton had obviously had a talk with him, but I didn’t give a shit anymore. I’d been loath to articulate it, but deep down I was slowly but surely pushing my father out of my life. He was toxic and brought nothing to the table. I was grateful he’d given me life and helped me achieve my dream of playing professional hockey, but the trade-off was too much. My sanity was too important, and from an emotional perspective, he destroyed everything around him. I’d battled with the guilt of not “liking” my father for years, but I was done now.
I’d write him a check once in a while after I started getting paychecks from the Sidewinders, and hopefully that would be all he needed from me. I truly didn’t give a shit anymore. And once I’d made that decision, I played like a guy going to the pros. The final game was a blur of skating, shooting, and passing. My brother and I were a well-oiled machine when the stars were in alignment, and everything fell into place that game. Two goals and an assist later, we were headed to the Frozen Four. Now I just had to come up with a plan to talk Ellie into giving me another chance.
Something told me that was going to be way harder than a hockey championship.
32
Ellie
I did my best to take Renee’s advice, keeping my mind free of anything to do with Patrick, medical school, or even my ectopic pregnancy. Mostly I focused on the present, which was finishing this semester with good grades. Even though I wasn’t going to continue in the program, I wanted to make sure my grades reflected my overall work ethic so that when I decided which direction I was going, I had something impressive to show whatever academic institution I chose.
My mother was being surprisingly patient with me since I hadn’t yet accepted the offer to go to Harvard, especially after I told her my body needed two weeks to heal and rest. For some reason, that resonated with her, so our phone calls were lighthearted and more frequent than usual.
“You sound so sad,” she said about a week into my two-week timeline. “Are you sad about the baby?”
; “I’m sad about Patrick,” I admitted. “I miss him.”
“Have you heard from him?”
“Not since I told him I wasn’t ready for something as serious as the relationship we had.”
“It’s probably for the best, honey. If he’s going to Las Vegas and you’re going to Boston, how would you be together?”
“Mom, what happens if I don’t go to Boston?”
She didn’t reply for a long time. I mentally pictured her counting to a hundred or something, with my dad making a slashing motion with his hand to keep her from saying something to upset me.
“Mom?”
“I don’t know how to answer that,” she said. “This has always been the goal. You already tried deviating off course and look what happened. You could have been well into medical school by now, moving into the next phase of your life. I understand you needed to do something your way, explore something different, but you’ve done it. Why are you fighting this so hard, Ellie?”
Her words made me want to cry, something I’d vowed I wouldn’t do anymore. Why was this so complicated? I wasn’t ready to make a decision this big and it was like no one understood.
Well, Patrick did. He’d understood all my struggles and never pushed me to go one way or the other. He’d said it too, the night we’d broken up. He understood that my parents pushed me all the time and he refused to add to it. That was why he hadn’t asked me to go to Vegas with him. I’d been too hurt that night to really listen to what he was trying to tell me, and I’d done something rash. Breaking up with Patrick had been stupid. Really, really stupid. Just like when I’d chosen to get a doctorate in computer science.
“Mom, I’m not you,” I said softly. “I know your dreams were squashed by your unplanned pregnancy and marriage, but I’ve got to live my life, not yours. I don’t want to be a medical doctor.”
“You have the potential to do anything, Ellie. Absolutely anything—why not go for it?”
“I will. Once I decide exactly what I want.”
“I knew what I wanted at nineteen. Heck, I knew at seventeen.”
“And yet, you veered off course,” I said.
“Like you said, you’re not me and I don’t want you to be me. I want you to do all the things I didn’t get to do. I have so many regrets.”
“And I hate that for you,” I said sympathetically. “Truly. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m simply not ready to make any big decisions. I promised myself I’d take a couple of weeks to heal, both physically and emotionally, and during that time I’m not making any decisions beyond what to wear and what to eat every day. Medical school is too much of a time and financial commitment to be rash.”
“I suppose you’re right about that. I just don’t want you to miss the deadline. What are you going to do next year if you don’t go to Harvard?”
“I don’t know, but I’m working on it.”
“All right.” She seemed to want to say something else but then changed her mind. “Let’s talk soon, okay?”
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Though I’d been trying not to think about Patrick too much, I ran into him in the dining hall the following week. He was going in as I was coming out and we paused in the doorway. He was with his friends Tate and J.D., from the team, and they said a casual hello to me before continuing on their way.
We stood there for a minute and my tattered soul was momentarily soothed, as if his very presence made everything better.
“How are you?” Patrick asked after we’d stared at each other quietly a little too long.
“Better,” I replied. “The doctors said it would take four to six weeks to fully recover, so I’m getting there.”
“I’m glad.”
There was an awkward silence and I hated that it had come to this. “So you guys did amazing last weekend. Chastity, Dylan and I watched the game at Tito’s and you looked great. That goal in the second period was epic. You and Paxton do that psychic thing on the ice and it’s like watching magic.”
He smiled, though it was a little sad. “I’m trying to enjoy every minute left of playing with my brother because after this we’ll be playing against each other.”
“It’ll be an adjustment, but nothing will ever change the bond you have. Don’t forget that.”
“For sure.”
“Do you—” he began.
“I guess I—” I said at the same time.
We both stopped and he nodded at me. “You first.”
“I was just going to say I guess I need to go so I can study.”
“Oh. Yeah. I didn’t mean to hold you up.”
“What, um, what were you going to say?” I asked.
“Nothing.” He shrugged. “I’ll let you go.”
“Well, take care.” There didn’t seem to be anything else to say so I turned and headed out. As I walked away, it was like I’d left a piece of my soul behind, and it hurt just as much now as it had the night we’d broken up.
“You just let him go?” Chastity demanded that weekend when I told her about running into him. “Why didn’t you sit with him so you could talk?”
“And say what?” I asked.
“How about being honest with him?” she asked. “How about telling him how scared you are but that you love him and want to try to make it work? Or how about just saying you need him?”
I shook my head vehemently. “I can’t. It wouldn’t be fair. Plus, he doesn’t love me back.”
“You won’t know unless you try. What if he’s just trying to protect you? You said he didn’t want to push you in any direction because you didn’t need any more people telling you what to do—so what if that’s the real reason he let you go?”
“Well, that and the fact that you told him you needed him to,” Dylan interjected. He’d come into the kitchen to get a snack and obviously overheard our conversation.
“What do you mean?” I asked, glancing up at him.
“You said when he tried to work things out, you told him you were overwhelmed and weren’t ready for a serious relationship. What was he supposed to do? What else would any guy that cares about you do but let you go? You essentially told him that being together hurt you—and if he does love you, he’s never going to intentionally do something to hurt you.”
“But what if he doesn’t?” I whispered.
“Then you’ll be no worse off than you are now,” Dylan said amiably. “I mean, you’re not together, you’re miserable, and you still have no idea what you want to do academically. Seems to me it can’t be any worse, but it definitely could get better.”
“You’re so smart, honey,” Chastity said to him.
“I try.” He placed a soft kiss on her upturned face and then walked out of the room.
“He’s given you something to think about, huh?” Chastity’s face was full of sympathy.
“Is it always this hard?”
“Love or life?”
“Both?”
“Yes.”
We chuckled together.
On my way home, I called Renee. Her advice had been stellar when I’d asked her what to do and now I needed to run something by her.
“Ellie, hi!”
“Do you have a minute?”
“For you? Of course.”
“So…I need advice.”
“Shoot.”
“What do I do next? I did what you told me to do and took a little time to get my head on straight but I’m starting to realize that all that other stuff—school and my mom and my future career—don’t matter without Patrick. My life is an empty shell now that he’s gone.”
“Oh, honey.”
“I saw him earlier this week at the dining hall and for those brief moments where we talked, my life was full again. As soon as he walked away, I went from color back to black and white.”
“What do you need from me?”
“I need to know what to do. Like the next step. I’m still terrified, but he’s too impor
tant to walk away from. I realized that when I saw him the other night. I need him, Renee, and I don’t know how to make it happen.”
“That’s easy. You show up at the Frozen Four tournament next weekend and show him you’re there for him, even though you’re going through a rough patch. Even though you’re technically not together. You show him how you feel, how you’ll support him through thick and thin.”
“But then what? I don’t know where I’ll be going to school, and once I start a doctoral program, I can’t leave in the middle, so how will I support him when I can’t even support myself?”
“You figure it out together.”
“I don’t know how to do that. I’m scared…”
“I know, honey.” She paused. “What if I came too?”
“What? Came where?”
“To the tournament. It’s in Philly this year, right?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll book us a hotel room and meet you there. Can you drive to Philly by yourself?”
“Yes, I suppose.”
“You know what? Forget driving, why don’t you fly?”
“I can’t afford it.”
“I’ll buy your ticket and we’ll go together.”
“Oh, no, Renee, I couldn’t let you do that.”
“Sure you can.” She laughed gaily. “I love playing matchmaker and as the head coach’s wife, it’s my job to make sure all the WAGs are happy. In fact, I might round up a couple of the other girls to come too. Okay, I have to go. Lots of plans to make! I’ll text you in a little while with the details. Now go rest so you can build your strength back up.”
“Renee, are you—” I cut off because I was talking to myself; she’d hung up before I could say anything else.
Holy hell, what had I just agreed to? I took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
She’d told me to breathe and that was exactly what I was going to do. Right now, it was all I could do.