Drive Me Crazy

by Portia MacIntosh

  ‘Caroline – just,’ I reply. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘We need you to come in,’ she tells me.

  I glance at the time. It’s nearly the end of the working day and it’s Friday.

  ‘Erm, OK,’ I reply. ‘Right now?’

  ‘Right now,’ she replies, hanging up.

  I quickly use the bathroom, glancing in the mirror, fluffing up my hair and touching up my make-up before heading back out. In my ripped skinny jeans and my awkwardly low top, I’m not exactly dressed for the office, but I’m not technically supposed to be there, so they’ll have to take me as I am.

  I grab my handbag, hop into one of the taxis outside and soon enough I’m at Starr Haul HQ, making my way up the banana, heading for the office I share with Caroline.

  As I walk through the door I notice her sitting at her desk, but then I glance over at my desk and see that Stephanie – Will’s wife – is sitting there.

  ‘Caroline, can you go get us some tea, give us a moment?’ Stephanie asks her.

  Caroline nods and shuffles towards the door. As she passes me she looks me up and down, uttering something only loud enough for me to hear.

  ‘You look like a prostitute,’ she says.

  ‘You’re not the first person to say that,’ I call after her, giving no shits what she thinks, but Stephanie’s presence here has me worried sick. She never really visits the office.

  ‘Sit,’ she insists, nodding towards a chair that has been placed in front of my desk that isn’t usually there.

  As I sit down, I notice the pram in the corner of the room, with their new baby boy fast asleep in there. I’m assuming it’s a boy because of all the blue crap surrounding him.

  ‘I’m just going to blurt it out,’ she starts anxiously, taking a deep breath, composing herself. ‘I found out Will was cheating on me this morning. Pictures on his phone, so there’s no lying his way out of this one.’

  I stare at her, paralysed by fear, terrified by what she’s going to do. Suddenly, I don’t feel safe being in a room with her. I imagine trying to explain myself, only for her not to believe me and pour scalding hot tea over me while Caroline holds me down… I give myself a mental pinch and tell myself to calm down. I just need to explain, and maybe – hopefully – she’ll believe me.

  ‘Mrs Starr, I am so sorry,’ I start, unsure how on earth to make it sound as heartfelt as I mean it.

  ‘It’s not your fault,’ she says, wiping her tears away with the backs of her hands. ‘But obviously there’s a lot of fallout for the business, so we’re in crisis mode here. Will has gone AWOL, the chicken,’ she snaps. ‘So it’s all hands on deck, if you don’t mind.’

  ‘I…I didn’t think you’d want me to help,’ I stutter.

  ‘Of course I do,’ she insists. ‘I know it must be hard; I know that Will looked out for you – almost like a dad to you – this must surprise you.’

  I stare at her for a moment, confused. As I wrack my brains for any possible reason she could be so cool with me after I have wrecked her marriage, I realise something: I never had my photo taken with Will. Not even once.

  ‘You said you found photos,’ I push, inconsiderately.

  ‘Oh, yes,’ she says angrily. ‘Him and the slag in bed. She’s some young thing, cleans his office.’

  ‘Julie?’ I ask.

  ‘That’s the one,’ she replies. ‘Needless to say, I sacked her. I’ve stepped in while Will is off having his pathetic little meltdown – he’s probably with her. I’m on the board of directors and this company is my kids’ future. I’m not going to let it go to shit because he can’t keep his dick in his pants – again.’

  I had never imagined Stephanie to be the kind of lady who swears, but she’s only human, I suppose. All this time I was feeling like shit over how Will betrayed me, and here’s this poor woman with three kids to him who has been repeatedly cheated on and lied to by him. And not only has he done it before, but he’s been cheating on both of us with a third person as well. Julie the fucking cleaner, the one he would always complain about, the one he needed to keep having words with about the poor job she was doing… He’s a piece of shit. All this time I was worried about being the other woman and I wasn’t even that, I was the other other woman.

  ‘I am so so sorry,’ I tell her. ‘If there’s anything I can do…’

  ‘Thank you,’ she replies, her eyes filling up with tears again. She seems to be alternating between tears and fits of anger, and I don’t blame her at all. ‘No doubt he’ll surface tonight, in time for his fucking party.’

  ‘Party?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes, the big company party to celebrate the anniversary of him taking over, the egotistical twat.’

  ‘Oh,’ I reply. I’d forgotten about that. All employees are expected to attend. Well, all but Julie, I’d imagine.

  ‘So, Caroline will be back in a moment. She’s putting a damage-control plan in place – everyone is talking; it’s horrible.’

  ‘I can’t even begin to imagine,’ I tell her honestly.

  ‘I won’t be at the party tonight, but… I doubt she will, but if that slag turns up, will you call me, please?’

  ‘Sure,’ I reply.

  ‘I don’t see why I should let some opportunistic tart steal my husband – take my happy family away from me. I sure as hell don’t want him now, but she’s not having him. No way.’

  I nod my head as I grab my phone to text Danny, to remind him about the work party tonight.

  Danny: See you there. Wear the red dress. Xx

  Me: Will do. Lots to tell you… xx

  I stare at Stephanie for a moment and the hurt look on her face makes me feel sick – sick with myself. I may not have been knowingly sleeping with her husband, but I was sleeping with him, and I can’t help but feel bad. So technically it wasn’t me who ended their marriage, but what does it matter? Their marriage is ruined.

  As Stephanie rummages around, shuffling the paperwork in front of her, I notice the ring I found in Will’s pocket on her finger, confirming that the ring was never intended for me, and proving what a piece of shit Will really is. I feel like I’ve had a lucky escape, to make it out of such a horrible situation without having my heart broken or my reputation damaged.

  I don’t know if Julie, his other other woman, knew the real deal or if he lied to her too, but that girl’s reputation is trashed. She’s the girl who slept with her married boss and ended his marriage, just days after his wife gave birth. I can’t even imagine how things would be playing out for me right now if I had been her. I’m just glad I got out when I did. I never wanted to hurt anyone; I just wanted to be happy. Now I realise that I wasn’t happy at all, I can move on with my life. One thing I do know for sure is that I can’t wait to hang out with Danny tonight.

  Chapter 40

  We’re in the lavish reception room of one of the biggest hotels in Manchester, but despite the beautiful surroundings and the masses of guests dressed in their best, there’s an atmosphere. I’m guessing everyone knows, but no one seems to want to talk about it. No one but Danny and me that is.

  ‘That monumental twat,’ Danny says a little too loudly, causing the barman serving us to raise an eyebrow. ‘So we’re all here celebrating a man who we all know is a bastard?’

  ‘Pretty much,’ I reply, glancing around the room. There are yellow balloons everywhere, a big banner saying: ‘Keep up the good work, Will’ and tables of food all around us. Danny was delighted to learn it was a buffet set-up, and not a sit-down meal, and every so often we have to drag our conversation across the room so he can eat more. The food looks delicious, with different tables laid out with a variety of world foods. Everything is a miniature version of what it claims to be, which is why Danny reasons he’s eating twice as much. There’s canapés, burgers, pies, sandwiches, wraps and lots of Chinese and Indian stuff. There was talk of mini pizzas and, since Danny learned of this, I feel like he has constantly had one eye on the kitchen doors, like a dog keeping an eye out
for the neighbour’s cat, ready to pounce and devour it the second it rears its head.

  Danny takes his fork and stabs the balloon next to him, causing everyone to jump. It happens too quickly and there are too many balloons for anyone to notice where it came from.

  ‘He doesn’t deserve balloons,’ Danny reasons. ‘Oh, fun game, let’s see how many we can get rid of as the night goes on. It’ll be easy at first, too many to tell, but as they get less we risk getting caught. Deal?’

  ‘You’re on,’ I tell him, shaking his hand, only to find my own returned with ketchup on it. He’s like a big kid, and I love it.

  ‘Watch out, Nurse Ratched is on her way over,’ Danny warns me. I watch as Sweet Caroline heads over towards us. She’s wearing a big, frilly white dress, and I can see her eyeballing my own choice of attire. As per Danny’s instructions, I am wearing the red hooker-wear that I wore to Eros, and if Caroline thought I looked like a hooker in my jeans, then this is really going to upset her. She drops her handbag, then bends over to pick it up.

  ‘Danger pop,’ Danny whispers to me, stabbing another balloon, making everyone jump again.

  ‘What was that?’ Caroline asks, returning upright.

  ‘Nothing,’ I smile, stifling a laugh. ‘How are you, Caroline? You look lovely.’

  ‘As do you, dear,’ she replies. ‘I do hope you’re not cold.’

  ‘Well, you know, it is summer and I’m a big girl.’

  ‘You certainly are,’ she replies, pursing her lips with disapproval as she glares down at my chest. ‘Boss will be along in five minutes, just letting you know. Probably best we don’t mention helping Stephanie out after hours yesterday, lest we hurt his feelings.’

  ‘No, we wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings,’ Danny interrupts. Caroline shoots him a look before wandering off. ‘Who invited Miss Havisham?’

  ‘Oh, she goes all-out for parties, our Caroline.’

  ‘I wish she’d go all-outside, and stay there.’ He laughs, before his happy look dissolves into a more serious one. ‘You worried?’

  ‘I’m fine. It’s just weird. But I’ve got you.’ I squeeze his hand. ‘Couldn’t be happier.’

  ‘Good,’ he replies. ‘Because… Oh, oh, pizza.’

  Danny drops my hand like it’s a grenade and follows his nose in the direction of the Italian food.

  ‘Be right back,’ he calls. ‘I’ll bring you some, beautiful.’

  I laugh, climbing to my feet and smoothing out my dress. I’ll just pop to the bathroom and touch up my make-up because, it turns out, the more you wear, the more you have to keep applying.

  I walk through an archway into a large sitting room, where the doors to the toilets are situated either side. There is a line of sofas leading down the centre of the room, with gold-framed mirrors all over the walls reminding me of that horrifying scene with all the heads in Return To Oz.

  I nip into the loos, quickly but steadily apply more make-up, and heading back out to find Danny and my pizza, which, truth be told, I’m actually getting more and more excited about by the second. The few people sitting on the sofas before have vacated the room, making it even creepier than it was before. As I speed-walk towards the main room I literally bump into someone heading for the toilets at an equally speedy pace.

  ‘Will.’

  Will looks me up and down and I see a flicker of something in his eyes that makes me think he maybe didn’t recognise me at first.

  ‘Wow,’ he says, his eyes widening. ‘I mean…wow. You look so different.’

  ‘Good different?’ I ask, suddenly finding it hard to be angry with him although I’m not sure why, because I should hate his guts right now. And there I go again, seeking his approval.

  ‘Wow different,’ he says, staring at me for a moment, looking me up and down, taking in the new me.

  Will looks different too – wow different, but not good different. He looks pale and his eyes look dark, like he hasn’t been sleeping, like he’s been worrying. I always thought of Will as this strong, powerful man. Shut off from his emotions, business-minded – that old cliché. Turns out he’s human like the rest of us.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he blurts out, and while he sounds like he means it, it just doesn’t feel sincere. If he really was sorry, if I really mattered to him, then he wouldn’t have done this. As if lying to me about being separated from his wife wasn’t bad enough, – you could try to explain it away as cowardice, if maybe he was too scared to leave her but wanted to – but now that I know he was knocking off Julie too! Will just wants to have his cake (cupcakes, pastries, brownies – the whole damn bakery) and eat it.

  ‘It’s fine,’ I tell him. Not because it’s OK, but because I don’t care.

  ‘It’s good though, because now we can be together.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Things were messy before,’ he explains. ‘But now, everything is out in the open. Steph has kicked me out – we can be together.’

  For a moment, I just stare at this man in front of me, smiling widely at me, waiting for me to agree to ride off into the sunset with him.

  ‘It’s too late.’

  ‘It’s not too late,’ he insists. ‘It’s not like you’ve met someone else.’

  ‘I have actually,’ I tell him.

  ‘But it’s only been a week. Who could you have met?’

  I look down at my shoes and twist my heels awkwardly.

  ‘Danny,’ I admit.

  ‘The IT guy? No, no. He’s not right for you. And he won’t treat you right.’

  ‘He won’t cheat on me,’ I snap.

  ‘No, he’ll just leave you to go skiing in the Alps or on safari in Africa. Guys like that don’t stick around, Candice.’

  ‘Because you were in your marriage for the long haul.’

  ‘I suppose I deserved that, but everyone deserves a second chance. I gave you a second chance at work. Has he made a proper commitment to you? He hasn’t, has he?’

  I think for a moment, although about nothing in particular. My brain can’t process this right now. Will, sensing I need a little coercing, steps towards me, placing a hand on the small of my back, pulling me closer. With his free hand, he gently strokes my face with the backs of his fingers before pinching my cheek, like he always does. It feels familiar, and at first it feels good, but all it does is remind me of how bad things really were, and how terribly he treated me.

  I don’t know why, but I hesitate before pulling away. My brain is telling me to recoil in horror, but my body is lagging behind. I catch sight of someone in my peripheral vision and glance to the left, to see Danny watching us. He’s got two plates of pizza in his hand, which he places down on the nearest table before walking away.

  ‘Shit,’ I say, wiggling free from Will.

  ‘Wait,’ he insists, grabbing my arm to stop me from leaving.

  ‘Get off me,’ I demand. ‘I need to explain to him.’

  ‘We were happy before,’ Will says desperately.

  ‘No, we weren’t. I thought we were – I thought you were going to propose. How insane is that? I was deluded.’

  I snap my arm away from him and chase after Danny, catching up with him as he makes his way towards the exit.

  ‘Danny, wait,’ I call after him.

  Danny halts immediately, but doesn’t turn around.

  ‘What?’ he asks, and it breaks my heart to be truly in his bad books.

  ‘That wasn’t anything,’ I tell him truthfully.

  ‘It looked like something.’

  ‘Yes, the last desperate act of a very desperate man.’

  Danny turns around and looks at me, but then I notice his gaze travel to over my shoulder.

  ‘Oh look, it’s your shadow,’ he says angrily.

  I turn around and notice Will behind me.

  ‘Candice, we need to talk. It’s important,’ Will insists.

  ‘I have something important to talk to you about, actually,’ Danny says, marching over to Will. ‘I quit.’


  ‘You can’t just quit mid-job,’ Will insists. ‘That’s breach of contract.’

  ‘What are you going to do about it, old man?’ Danny asks him.

  ‘Look, OK, we all just need to calm down,’ I reason, noticing how tense thing are getting.

  ‘I might be older than you, but I’m better than you,’ Will tells Danny. ‘You’re just some jumped-up, pumped-up employee who thinks he’s “cool” because he’s got a stupid hairstyle and he goes to the gym. You have no idea what the real world is like, or what a proper, committed job is like. Most importantly, you can’t treat Candice how she deserves to be treated. You’re just not good enough, kid.’

  Danny doesn’t even take a second to absorb Will’s words, he just lashes out, punching him in the face so hard Will hits the floor.

  ‘My nose,’ Will shrieks, grabbing his face. ‘I think he broke my bloody nose.’

  Will has his hands to his face, but I can see blood escaping from the sides, dripping all over his white shirt. I grab a cloth from the table next to me and hold it over Will’s face for him.

  ‘Candy,’ Danny calls my name. ‘I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m going. Are you coming?’

  ‘Wait,’ I insist. ‘I can’t leave him like this.’

  ‘You really can,’ Danny replies, clearly annoyed that I’m helping Will at all.

  ‘You’ve caved his fucking nose into his fucking face,’ I snap. ‘I can’t just fucking leave him.’

  ‘Language, Candice,’ Will manages to tick me off, blood rushing into his mouth as he does so.

  ‘Oh, shut the fuck up, Will,’ I bark.

  ‘Going now,’ Danny warns me.

  ‘Can’t you just stay still for two seconds?’ I snap at Danny. ‘This is what you do when things get tough – you just piss off. I have a life; I can’t just run away because things are messy.’

  ‘He’ll never be dependable,’ Will chimes in. ‘You said as much before, that he hasn’t committed to you.’

  ‘You said that?’ Danny asks me.

  ‘No, I didn’t say that, but he asked me if you had and I just didn’t say that you had…and you haven’t,’ I remind him, because he hasn’t, but now probably isn’t the time or the place. But I do worry. What if I leave with him now and then he leaves me?