Live for the Day

by Sarah Masters

  “Tired. Right.”

  He thought it best not to go down that road—of persuading Steven to go see his mom. Steven clearly wasn’t ready for that.

  “So,” Michael said. “This leg of yours. Needs a lot of massaging, does it?”

  He’d waited far too long to get his hands on Steven. His boldness just now came from years of keeping his feelings a secret. Plus, with Steven admitting he’d never kissed anyone—Michael had to take the lead if anything was going to happen between them now. Although Michael wasn’t exactly an expert, he reckoned he could steer them in the right direction, then they could discover things together.

  “In the morning and before bed, the nurse said.” Steven winced. “It gets pretty sore. The walk from town was a bit much. I haven’t really exercised it to that extent since I got hurt. It was broken in a couple of places in my shin. Didn’t set in the best of ways, either.”

  “Ouch.” Michael waited for more information. It didn’t come. “Uh, you want me to make us coffee?”

  He headed for the kitchen. He always made them coffee here, treating the place like his own. It was their ritual and besides, Michael needed something to do. Things weren’t quite the same—it could have been their admissions to one another or it could have been another type of elephant in the room. One that belonged back in the desert. Either way, the hulking presence was making him uncomfortable and he didn’t know how to get rid of it.

  In the kitchen, he waited for Steven to come in and give him his usual account of what he’d been up to since they’d last been together. Steven came in all right, but he didn’t spill the beans. He just stood there, butt against the counter, staring into space.

  That damn concern came back, flooding Michael’s body and mind. His hand shook as he spooned sugar into their cups.

  “Look, I realize you might not want to talk about it this time, but what’s up?” Michael placed a pod in the coffeemaker and set it to pour. “Just give me something, even a little bit, so I know I should back off with any questions. You’ve usually told me all about stuff by now. You haven’t even told me anything about Rory—and he’s one of your best buds—so what’s up with that?”

  Steven took a deep breath then turned his head to look at Michael. “I’m not sure I can go back there—figuratively and literally.”

  Michael’s eyes widened. “What? But that’s your life. It’s what you do. What you love…”

  Steven shifted from foot to foot. “I, uh… I haven’t been in a plane for weeks. I…um… I got shot down.”

  “Oh, fuck…”

  Alarm shoe-horned its way inside Michael, sending his legs wobbly, his stomach knotting. This was something he’d always dreaded, but so far Steven had been so lucky, managing to get out of every scrape, to always be on the fringes of danger, never right in it. He joked that Steven had an angel watching over him.

  “Why didn’t you…?” Michael snapped his mouth closed. Who the fuck was he to demand an answer to his so far unasked question? Why didn’t you write me and tell me?

  This wasn’t about him and his feelings. Steven obviously had his reasons for keeping this to himself.

  “I didn’t want you worrying.” Steven shrugged. “And the more time that passed, the more I couldn’t write. I wanted to blurt it all out—seriously, I did—but with you here and me over there… I knew you’d go nuts thinking about ‘what if?’ I was doing enough thinking about that for the both of us. No sense in you doing it too.” He shrugged again. “But I’m back now—for a couple of months—then I have to go in so they can assess me. I sorta went a bit stir crazy in the hospital. The plane going down… It was rough on me. I didn’t think… I mean, I thought I was mentally able to cope with that shit. Seems I wasn’t. That I’m not.”

  Steven not being in the Air Force? Unheard of. Not an option. That career was his everything. Steven was in the military for the pair of them, doing things Michael didn’t have the courage to do. It was all Steven wanted—right?

  Michael handed Steven a coffee. He busied himself setting his own to pour. Parked his ass against the counter too, and side by side, they stared at the opposite wall. The fridge gurgled then whirred. Something tinkled in the living room from a breeze that wafted through into the kitchen. The air seemed to pulse with unsaid words, with Steven’s memories and Michael’s need to fix everything so that Steven didn’t feel so shitty. And it was obvious he felt that way.

  “Did they offer you counseling?” Michael asked.

  “Yeah. I had some while in hospital. Made me feel a bit better. Got a lot of my feelings dealt with. I have to see the shrink in town while I’m on leave too.” Steven sipped, closing his eyes, as though the coffee was the best he’d tasted. “It was such a damn scary thing to happen.” He snapped his eyes open. “I keep seeing it in my head. Feeling how I felt when—”

  “Go on?”

  Steven set his cup on the counter. He sighed, the exhalation heavy and long. Words tumbled out of his mouth, which explained his experience in detail. Then, “On the roof, I thought I was going to die there. Of the heat, thirst or starvation. I was in the middle of nowhere, unsure whether I’d be saved—or killed by someone in the building. There are some pretty stark things that go through your mind, but the main one was whether I’d get to see you again.” He laughed quietly. “You’d think I’d be more scared about dying, right? Of the pain in my leg and wrist. But no, I wanted to see you. Be with you. I got scared in case that wouldn’t happen.” He picked at a hangnail. “So when I got off the bus and saw you in the café—you can see why I didn’t want to go to Mom’s straight away. And I had to let you know how I felt about you.” He turned to Michael. “Life really is too short, man. I promised myself in hospital that no matter what, I’d let you know and if you didn’t want anything to do with me afterward, well, at least I’d tried.”

  Michael couldn’t just stand there any longer. He grabbed Steven in a hug, holding him tight, burying his face in his neck. He pressed his body close, trying to embrace the fear inside Steven away. To let him know Michael wasn’t going any damn where.

  “Fuck, even if I wasn’t into you that way I’d still hang out with you,” Michael said, words muffled, his mouth touching Steven’s skin. “We’re so close—how the hell could I not be in your life? It’s always been me and you. Always will be.”

  He didn’t voice his fears about Steven returning to active duty. He couldn’t tell him that he was frequently in a state of anxiety while Steven was away, panic humming ominously in the recesses of his mind, in his body, which had him on edge, unable to get a good night’s sleep. His movements were jerky by day, as though tension pulled unseen strings attached to his arms and legs. Someone had asked him recently if he was on drugs because he twitched so bad.

  Steven’s arms around him felt so right. Yeah, they’d hugged before, but not like this. This was different, emotions lending their contact a fiercer edge. Michael experienced a second or two of frantic terror that if Steven went back, he wouldn’t ever come home again.

  “I dreamed of this in hospital.” Steven rubbed his cheek back and forth against Michael’s head. Held him closer. Tighter. “And I thought… I thought I’d never get to do it for real. That imagining was all I’d ever get.”

  “You can have more than this, if you want?”

  Michael held his breath. Even though he knew they were a proper couple now—and they were, weren’t they?—this was scary shit. Going from friends to something more was…yeah, like he’d thought, scary shit. They’d both wanted this, but to actually have it—it blew his mind. If he pinched himself, would he feel pain?

  “I want more but have no idea how to get it.” Steven gave Michael a squeeze. “Let me rephrase that. I know how to get it, but, like I told you, I’ve never done anything before. Sex stuff. It’s an exciting but frightening prospect, you know?” His laugh came out more like a wry huff. “Most people have kissed in their teens. Then there’s me…”

  “It’s not as da
unting as you think, trust me.” Although a part of Michael was glad he’d kissed someone before, he was sad his first attempt hadn’t been with Steven. Okay, he’d imagined he’d been kissing Steven at the time, but that wasn’t the same. “I’m a bit nervous myself, if that makes you feel better.”

  “Teach me?”

  Fuck, Steven had sounded so unsure, as if he thought Michael would refuse.

  “We can teach each other.” Michael lifted his head to look at Steven. The worry in his friend’s eyes just about did him in. “I’m hardly a fucking Casanova, man.”

  “Just do it.” Steven closed his eyes. He shook slightly, his breathing irregular. “Just kiss me.”

  Michael closed his eyes too. With instinct guiding him, he sought Steven’s mouth, finding it first time. He pressed their lips together, just giving a peck to ease Steven into it. He kissed his top lip, then the bottom, alternating between them until Steven’s breathing sounded more even. Running his hands up and down Steven’s back, he kissed some more, relief plowing through him as Steven relaxed. Steven’s mouth parted, and Michael tentatively licked the seam, lightly, no rushing.

  “Fuck…” Steven said, the word shaky.

  Michael slid his tongue inside, the tip meeting with Steven’s. It gave Michael a jolt, and his cock expanded, straining with his need. Shit, he just wanted to climb inside Steven and know all of him—his thoughts, his dreams, how he was feeling right now.

  Steven moved his tongue and it pushed Michael’s libido into want-you-so-much-it-hurts mode. He resisted going too fast and scaring Steven off, but Steven swirled his tongue over Michael’s, setting a new pace that had nothing to do with being scared and everything to do with desire. Jeez, they were really doing this. Kissing and touching and doing what lovers did. Getting hard and excited and wanting to fuck.

  A groan caught in Michael’s throat and he pressed himself closer, grinding his hard dick over Steven’s. Their kiss deepened—Steven was doing all the work there—and Michael let him, happy to have his mouth explored. Steven kept his hands still on Michael’s back, and Michael wondered if Steven was so caught up in kissing that he couldn’t do anything else at the same time. He knew how that felt. Being swept away by just kissing. He was feeling that way himself.

  To gently move things along, Michael slid his hands from Steven’s back to his chest then undid the top button of Steven’s shirt. He gyrated against him, his cock throbbing, balls rising. The excitement of what they were doing was bordering on too much to handle, all the years of wishing for this culminating inside him, creating a big bundle of need and want and I-think-I’m-going-to-come. Those emotions tangled together, setting butterflies off in his stomach and weakening his knees.

  This. This was exactly as he’d hoped it would be, him and Steven expressing themselves with no expectations, just the wonder of discovery and accepting each new movement, each new feeling as they presented themselves. A journey—a goddamn sexy journey—that could only get better the farther they traveled.

  A stutter of grunts and whimpers from Steven told Michael that they felt the same way—this was exhilarating, so thrilling, and altogether better than anything that could be imagined. Nothing beat the actual touch, the sensations of pleasure, and the ultimate need to be so close to Steven that they became one person.

  Steven broke the kiss, resting his cheek to Michael’s. “Fuck, I need… A minute. Just a minute. This is…” He let out a ragged breath, the heat of it curling around Michael’s ear. “This is overwhelming. I…”

  “I know. Fucking hell, I know.”

  Michael panted, trying to get himself under control. His dick hurt—he needed it out of his pants and into Steven’s hand or mouth or… Did he just ask for that? Or was he supposed to let things take their course? What if Steven didn’t know whether he should unzip Michael’s pants?

  Take the lead like you told yourself you were going to.

  Michael finished undoing the buttons on Steven’s shirt, all the while Steven trembling, his breaths juddering and hot. Michael took the shirt off, in no time running his hands across the naked skin, the heat of it sending shivers of lust all over his body.

  “Undo my pants,” Michael said. “I need you to touch me.”

  “Oh, God. Fucking hell, Michael… I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.”

  “You didn’t know how to kiss either but picked that up pretty damn quick.” The only way to get through this was to take command, that much was clear. “So get my dick out. I need to come.”

  Steven sucked in a sharp breath. “Jesus Christ.”

  He fumbled with the button of Michael’s pants, then drew the zipper down in jerky movements. The butterflies fluttered madly inside Michael, migrating to the end of his cock, which tingled and ached to the point he thought he’d shoot his load any second.

  Steven set Michael’s cock free, taking hold with a firm grip then rapidly jerking him off.

  “Oh shit,” Michael said. “That is fucking hot.”

  Chapter Four

  Steven slammed his mouth onto Michael’s, his heart rate speeding. This kissing business was easier than he’d thought it would be. And, man, his cock was so hard—harder than it had ever been when he’d jacked himself off. It had to be because of his body being all but fused with Michael’s, their closeness giving everything a more exciting edge.

  The weight of Michael’s cock in his hand was surreal. How often had he imagined it there? Too many times to count. And it was weird, he knew his dick was held there but had trouble processing it and accepting that what they were doing was real. No amount of daydreaming had prepared him for the tumult of emotions spiraling through him. His chest grew tight—as tight as his damn balls—and he had some idea of what it must be like to drown.

  Coming up for air, he snatched his mouth from Michael’s and thrust his hips forward. Shit, he wanted to rut, to get himself off by pressing his hard-on against Michael’s leg. Anything to have stimulation. “You said… You said you’d massage any part of me.”

  That had been his way of asking to be jerked off—he wasn’t as brave as Michael, couldn’t imagine saying it outright. Not yet. He pumped Michael’s cock faster, harder, hoping Michael got the gist of what he was after.

  “And I’ll stand by that,” Michael said. “But I need to get hold of you pretty quick because with you jacking me off like that? I’m not going to last long.”

  Michael freed Steven’s cock—blessed relief—and Steven stared down, watching how Michael’s cock fit in his hand. It was difficult to come to terms with the fact that his cock would fit in Michael’s hand any second—

  Now.

  “Christ. Almighty,” Steven managed before gritting his teeth at the near-painful spikes of pleasure that attacked his dick.

  The sight down there was awesome. Two hands curling around two cocks, working furiously. Their breaths and pants ensured that heat swarmed up between them, coating Steven’s face so that sweat popped out at his temples. Yeah, Michael had been right when he’d said this was hot. It was more than hot. Off-the-fucking-scale burning was what it was.

  “This is…” Michael shuddered, as though an intense wave of pleasure rolled through him. “Fuck, man, I’m going to come.”

  “Me too. Watch, Steven. Open your eyes and watch us come.”

  Where Michael got the courage to say that kind of thing Steven didn’t know, but man, he was glad Michael had it. Those words, what Michael had told him to do… So damn filthy. He’d never have looked if he hadn’t been given permission. The thought of doing what Michael had said had entered his own mind, but he’d resisted, thinking himself kinky for wanting to witness them jizzing.

  Steven glanced down again. While they jerked one another off, hands going so fast they appeared a blur, Steven’s balls throbbed. He was going to come any second, could feel it getting ready to jet up his dick and speed out.

  “Oh,” was all Steven got out.

  Extreme waves of ecstasy raided his cock and b
alls. His hips jerked, movements so sporadic it was as though his body didn’t belong to him. He let himself go, flew with the moment, and his spunk flew right with him, out of his cock and shooting upward. It fell, landing on the side of Michael’s hand, and fuck, Steven hadn’t seen anything so stunning in his whole life.

  “I’m…I’m going to blow too. Let my dick go.” Michael quickly pushed their cocks together then took hold of both, jamming his hands up then down.

  Another stream of cum left Steven at the same time Michael’s first jetted out. Cock against cock was heaven, the tight grip Michael had giving Steven the best jerking off of his life.

  “Oh, God,” Steven whispered. “I can’t stop coming. Ah, this…is…fucking…”

  He couldn’t finish. The power of his orgasm swept his mind of everything other than release. He had to snap his eyes shut—the intensity was too much, his eyelids too heavy. His balls emptied out string after string of jizz. He hung his head back, throat tight with suppressed emotion, and couldn’t tell Michael that he loved him now if he tried. But the words were there in his head—on his tongue too—waiting to be said when he’d come down from his high.

  Michael’s body spasmed and he grunted out a line of incoherent words. Steven peered through half-lidded eyes as the last ravages of his pleasure tingled in his dick and veins, lowering his head to see Michael watching him.

  “You look fucking hot when you come,” Michael said.

  Steven didn’t reply. He couldn’t. There were no words right now.

  “And that,” Michael went on, “was the best feeling when we were coming. Together, like it always will be.”

  With his faculties returning, Steven nodded. Out of breath, he said, “I love you. Really love you. And… I can’t go back. Not now.”

  Michael let their cocks go, leaning across the counter to rip off some paper towels. He cleaned them up, keeping his head down. “I love you too, goes without saying. But you might not have a choice on going back. You know how it works. You sign up for a certain amount of time. You have to go back—you still have time left to serve.” He tossed the towels aside then busied himself tucking Steven’s dick away, then his own. He kissed Steven gently—one soft peck—then drew back to gaze into his eyes.