Always Remember

by Hestand, Rita

  "No child…I just need to rest a little more these days. I’m getting older in case you hadn’t noticed."

  Her mother’s voice sounded weaker, as though she had been crying.

  "I won’t always be able to handle this place you know."

  That sounded like a warning.

  "Yes ma’am."

  In truth, Josey had never contemplated the fact that her mother would ever stop handling the farm. She’d run the farm so long, it was hard to believe anyone else would know how.

  Her mother reached over and caressed her daughter’s cheek.

  "My sweet Josey, I’ve so neglected you. Forgive me, child. But your sister is so flamboyant she takes most of my strength."

  Josey looked up at her mother and a tear fell on her cheek. Guilt riddled, Josey had blamed her mother for spoiling Rose, but in truth, she had to handle her differently. Josey saw that now. Maybe she was growing up. "I love you Mama."

  "I know child. I’ve never had a minute’s worry with you." Her mother said with tears in her eyes. She squeezed her hand and lifted herself to a sitting position on the bed. She stared into Josey’s young face.

  "You might as well know…" Her mother seemed to lose her smile now. "I can’t keep the secret any longer. It's time I was tellin' it. I got a disease…the doc calls it a cancer. I don’t know much about these things, but he says it eats at you till you’re gone. He give me some medicine for the pain, and that helps, but in the end this cancer will win. Do you understand what I’m tellin’ you girl?"

  Josey’s eyes clouded, her hands shook. What was she saying? Her mother could not die.

  "Oh Mama, please don’t die on me." Josey wailed, kissing her mother’s hand.

  "I cain’t stop that girl. We all got to die. You gotta face that, the both of you. We all got our time coming. However, I can straighten some things out before I go. I’m glad you are here with me now so I can talk to you. I got a will writ and it’s with the lawyer in town. Mr. Lloyd. This farm is yours. All yours, with one condition. You’re to look after your sister."

  "Mine? But Mama, what about Rose? She’s the oldest."

  Her mother huffed and puffed for breath. Then trying to relax, she tried to smile into Josey’s young face. "Rose has disgraced me for the last time. She can’t help what she does, but she has caused me terrible worry for some time."

  Josey frowned, lacking the ability to understand how her mother could say such a thing, and yet spoil her the way she did.

  "Oh don't look at me so, girl. It’s true Josey…there’s things you don’t know. Things I ain't been able to talk about to nobody. But it's time for that too. Now I’ll admit, she made her bed and I reckon she’s gonna have to lie in it. She can live here with your permission, but it ain’t hers to do with as she pleases. I’m not that stupid. I know she’s been using that boy for her pleasures. I seen this comin’. He had an eye fer Rose all along, and Rose being Rose couldn’t turn him down. I knowed all along this would happen. I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to her about it. Or anyone for that matter.

  "‘Course that’s been the problem all along, I’ve been unable to talk about things. I should have found a way. But it ain’t somethin’ you know how to say to most folks. I reckon Hank’s growed into a man too, just like you’re growed into a woman. A mother isn’t blind, child. She knows most of these things. She don’t always know what to do about them, but she sees. I’ve known too long. And what’s she gonna do when Leroy comes home?"

  "Mama, I didn’t know…you knew," Josey wailed. "I would’ve done anything to keep you from worrying."

  "Oh honey, there is so much more to tell you. I don’t even know where to start. I’m not blind. Rose…has a problem. I’ve known that all along. I jest didn’t know how to take care of this kind of thing. It all started before you were born. You see child…it ain’t all her fault. Never has been. Not all of it at least."

  Josey bit her tongue to keep from saying anything.

  "I know that don't sound right to you, but it’s true. You see, Rose was violated as a child." Her eyes filled with tears.

  "Taken…but who…" Josey’s eyes widened with a new fear. Could she possibly mean what she thought? She grabbed her mouth and blushed. Dear God, poor Rose. Poor Mama. Josey looked at the woman who had suffered with this knowledge for so long.

  "What are you saying, Mama? What did you do…how did you find out." Josey questioned, her eyes growing wider by the moment, fear and anger stirring.

  Her mama hung her head in shame.

  "It was all such a nightmare. A nightmare, and I was a witness, but I couldn’t speak of it. You just don’t speak of such things. Even when you know you should. I never told nobody. I just couldn’t. And I couldn’t talk to her about what happened to her either as she got older. I was too proud and too ashamed for her. I should have spoken up. But I couldn’t bring myself to that point. It was wrong of me. Perhaps if I had spoken up, things would never have gotten to the point they are today."

  Mama had never shared anything so profound and Josey was there for her, and as she held her, she knew her mother was glad of the comfort.

  "Oh Mama…oh, poor, poor, Mama. It's okay, Mama. I think I understand what you are saying. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. Rose must of had some pull on men’s attention all her life, then. I never understood it till now…never."

  "Don't blame Rose. She was as innocent as you, before. I've wanted to talk to her …many times. Tried once, just couldn’t. Rose couldn’t help bein' Rose, you see. She didn’t know no better. She couldn’t even come to me and talk to me, she was too little."

  "Did you know the man?" Josey asked.

  "Oh yes, I knew him."

  But she didn’t reveal who to Josey, and Josey understood this. For Josey would have wanted to kill the man herself if she knew him.

  "I didn’t know how to tell her it was wrong what he done to her. I really didn’t know what to say to her. That’s my fault. I didn’t know. I was mortified." Her mother’s sadness spilled over like a bad storm. She sobbed for a long time, and gave off a mournful wail every now and then, from the memory Josey reckoned.

  "Oh Mama…" Josey held her close and wailed with her. "I am so sorry…for you…for Rose…for all of us."

  "Ignorance child. That's what caused all of this. I just didn’t know what to do. It isn’t something you speak of. I couldn't even tell your father. I couldn’t go to anyone and talk to them from the shame I felt. There was no family down here I could talk to. You see your father he was friends with the man. He wouldn't have believed it of him. Good friends. I'm not even sure your father would have believed me, had I told him. But how does a woman even tell that to her husband. Besides, he thought the world an all of the man. He’d been a friend of the family for years. But your father would have killed him dead if I'd told him and he believed me. Then where would we be? After that, I couldn’t touch your father without thinkin’ of that man touchin’ Rose… Your father and me grew apart after that, and he never knew why. We grew apart and he never understood. I even took a gun to the man’s head and told him if he ever touched Rose again, I’d kill him myself. He finally moved away, and I was happy. Lord, I was so happy. His folks said he died not long after, I thanked God." Ruby said, and then looked over to Josey.

  "Forgiving is hard, especially when it comes to doing wrong to your children."

  Her mother looked at her once more. "I guess I could have had him arrested. But the shame was just too much. I’d have had to blacken Rose’s name and she was just a wee one at the time. His folks and ours were friends for many years, but after that, I couldn’t bring myself to look at them. I don’t know if they ever knew. But, my own pride wouldn’t let me tell them. I was so ashamed and embarrassed I let my own child suffer. You see Josey, she didn’t know no better. How could she?"

  When Josey absorbed all this, and said nothing, her mother glanced at her. "You think I’m cruel?"

  'No, Mama. Never."

/>   "Thank God…If he’d have touched you, I would have killed him dead. A woman has to be fully growed to handle this kind of thing. It’s a heavy responsibility. Poor Rose. She was never the same child…again. All her sweetness seemed to vanish and even more so when I couldn’t talk to her. And I sensed she knew I knew. Sometimes, I'd see so many questions on her face, but my sin was not going to her and talking to her about what happened. I’d caught her with numerous boys as she grew up. But what could I do aside from run them off. She’d just find another."

  "How old was she, Mama, when you caught them…?" Josey asked, real tears falling down her cheeks now for her sister.

  "She was four."

  "Oh God, it is good that he’s dead," Josey cried out loud now. "Poor little Rose." Josey felt a new understanding was born. All those years of not understanding her sister and suddenly they'd been made right.

  Her mother shook her head and wailed aloud, this time weeping for the neglected child and for the abused child too.

  "So you see, Josey, that’s why I’ve favored her all these years. Or seemed to. I knowed she needed some kind of help, but I didn’t know where to turn. This just ain’t somethin’ you talk about, even in families. I had too much pride and that were a sin to have that much. I know that now. I should have at least talked to Rose, tried to explain. But I was afraid I’d shame her and make things worse. I didn't know how to talk to her about it. That's somethin' you are not supposed to know anything about until you marry. But then there was Rose…poor little darlin'."

  Josey nodded again. "I can understand that, and I’m glad you finally did talk to me. I mean, this explains so much. Thank you Mama for tellin' me. It helps me understand her a little better. It wasn't her fault."

  "No, it wasn't."

  Her mother sighed heavily and took Josey's hand and squeezed it.

  "I had the notion that if I taught her stuff that would take her mind off what she’d been through. It didn’t. He kept coming back after her. I got the shotgun after him once, but I missed. And she seemed to dwell on it, more aware of herself than a child has a right to be, and I couldn’t talk to her, so put the blame where it belongs, on me. I couldn’t correct the mistakes. Nothing took her mind off what happened. Things just got worse. That day I took a shot at him, he turned and saw me standin' in the doorway and he ran. So he knew I knew. She never played again like other children after he left. Too precocious, others would say about her. When she went to school, the teacher was constantly trying to keep her in line. I finally quit sending her.

  "I tried to keep her out of that dern barn and away from that kid, Hank. But she wouldn’t stay away. She thinks she’s got the wool pulled over my eyes. She doesn’t. I taught you both to have respect for the Lord and to try to abide by his commandments. Rose don’t listen. I think somehow, deep down, she knows that there was something very wrong with what happened and wonders why I have never spoke of it. I think she might even hold it against me. She’ll have a hard go. But sometimes, the hard times is when you learn the most. So don’t weaken around her Josey. Keep the land; work it, that's yours." Her mother sighed heavily. "I don’t want you to feel bad for her. Just take care of her the best you can. It’s all we can do now. Who knows…maybe she loves Hank. But we must always, always love her, Josey. It wasn't her fault. Her innocents were taken from her, and I couldn't put it back in her."

  "Oh Mama…I can’t bear this." Josey cried, laying her head against the bed and crying. Josey never considered herself weak, until now. Seeing her mother like this was too much. How strong she had been to keep this secret and the worry from her.

  "Sure you can, I raised you strong and good. I knowed that. You can handle anything now girl," her mother said. "I should have been harder on Rose, like I was you. But it’s too late now, the damage is done. I guess I felt so bad about what happened I tried to make up for everything."

  "Mama, I’m scared." Josey admitted. "If you couldn’t handle her, how can I?"

  "With love, child, with love. And a prayer would help. She cain’t help the way she is. Not now, it’s done too late. When somethin’ like that happens people change. Even little girls change. It's like eating a piece of that apple in the Garden of Eden."

  "I’m so afraid." Josey stood up now, and walked around the room. "I didn’t want to tell you, didn’t want to upset you. But I’m scared, Mama."

  "‘Bout what girl?"

  "The war, I hear the guns and they sound closer all the time." Josey wiped her face with her hand. "Pretty soon they’ll be right up in our yard. What will we do then? How do I handle that, Mama? Tell me, how do I handle that?"

  Her mother nodded. "I know Josey. That's the truth. I’ve been expecting things to happen, any time now. But you gotta stay strong and don’t show ‘em fear. If they come, we have to manage to get by, no matter what we have to do. Remember they can burn us out. They can run us off. But this is our land and we can rebuild. We need to stay alive, that’s what is important."

  "No matter what?"

  "No matter what."

  Chapter Four

  Rose begrudgingly went to the cornfield the next week. She hated working in the scorching sun all day, but she knew the work had to be done. She liked to get the chores done so she could frolic. However, she resigned herself to the work ahead of her, since her mother was sick and took to her bed part of the day. She had no idea what was wrong, and she was sure she didn’t want to know.

  Jacob was to help until she got ahead, and then plow down the cornfield. It would be a long day, Rose decided. Unless…

  Purposely Jacob chose the other side of the cornfield from her and Rose wasn't having any of that. Why was he avoiding her so? The fact that he tried to avoid her, hurt. He’d never done that before and it shocked her. They’d played many games in this cornfield. Why, she remembered the first time he kissed her. Naturally the kiss was almost an accident, but oh…what a lovely one. She smiled to herself. There was something so different about her feelings for Jacob, a deep dark secret she carried most of the time deep inside her. To love a Negro was unheard of. Perhaps the rich plantation owners could get away with stealing time with the Negress, but a girl lovin’ a Negro man it was scandalous.

  She quickly ran to the other side of the cornfield, spotted him and glared up at his big beautiful face. Jacob was a nice looking Negro and she couldn’t resist him. Nevertheless, Jacob ran away from her a lot lately. He knew what she was up to and he obviously wanted to stay away from her.But the bond they shared had only grown stronger through the years, and he couldn't and wouldn't escape her long.

  "Now you go on about your work, Missy. We got to get this field done before it dries up. Your ma says so. We’re the only ones that can get this done, too."

  "You don’t like me anymore Jacob?" She tempted him, walking around him as he worked hard to ignore her. When that didn't work, she rubbed against him with one leg.

  "Missy, you need to stop that…you know I like you. But there’s work to do. Besides, your ma is sick and we got to get this done for her." He said lowly so no one could hear but her. He was sweating now and that told Rose she was getting to him. She liked sweat on a man. In fact she was thinking how good it might be to lick the sweat from Jacob, slowly, one drop at a time. Her tongue shot out to lick her lips.

  "Then show me." she challenged.

  "Show you what? We need to get some work done…" He gave her a quick once over. She flushed, excited by the look in his eyes. She knew desire when she saw it and Jacob wanted her, even though he did his best to hide the fact, she knew him too well. She tingled from the thought. Beguiled from the first time he had touched her, she had just become a woman and was boasting of it. She saw how his eyes took her in differently after that. It was only a matter of time before they explored each other. And that coming together was so special she held it in her heart forever.

  It had been another hot and blistery day. She had her dress on, and was sent to the corn patch to help Jacob.

  H
e looked at her long and hard.

  "What you doin' out here, this early in the morning?"

  "I’m supposed to help you, today."

  He nodded, glancing at her up and down.

  "What are you lookin' at, Jacob?" She teased.

  "You, I’m lookin' at you, and you know it."

  He had been so bold then. And she enjoyed it.

  "Do you like what you see?" She teased and flashed her eyes at him.

  "Yes baby I do…"

  "You never called me baby before…why now?" She asked, licking her lips and standing provocatively in front of him. "I'm a fully growed woman now."

  Her legs were apart and the sun shone through her dress and he gasped, he could see she wore nothing under it.

  "'Cause I figure you are my baby." He smiled as he looked at her again. He licked his lips.

  "I got my monthly." She giggled.

  "I guess you think that makes you a woman now?"

  "Don't you?" She frowned.

  "I could make you a woman today…if you really want to be one." He said, his voice going low and husky.

  She threw back her head and laughed. "Then why don't you?" She flashed her eyes at him.

  "I ain't even kissed you yet." He said moving closer.

  "You been wantin' to a long time…" she cooed. "I see it in your eyes."

  "I shore have. Let's get some work done, and then we'll go over there to that shed and make love a while…" He smiled impishly.

  So they worked side by side, her rubbing up against him every now and then and him bending down to kiss her sweet young lips.

  Before long they were so tied in knots for each other he picked her up and carried her to the shed.

  "You don't think we need to work anymore?" She batted her eyes at him as he laid her down on the floor and and joined her.

  Without another word he took her in his arms and kissed her long and hard. "Oh Jacob, I've waited a long time for you to kiss and touch me."